Title: Sanctuary
Characters: Kate, Jack, & Sawyer / Secondary: Sun, Jin, Juliet, Claire, & Aaron
Setting: Before the events of The Brig [s3 e19]
Category: Angst, Hurt/comfort
Summary: A moody Kate avoids Sawyer and thinks about Jack. When she bumps into the con man, they have an argument.
Rating: PG (I'm bad at rating... nothing naughty within)
Explanation: I wrote this in 2007 sometime before the end of Lost's 3rd season. I'm a Jater, but also realistic, so Sawyer is heavy in the fic. I never had anyone beta this for me so I don't know if I captured feelings and actions accurately. Also, I don't think I like the title. I just couldn't think of one that felt very appropriate. This was my attempt to dig into Kate's psyche because I find her so interesting. I don't know which Kate this is. Strong season 1 kate, or my attempt to follow along the writer's lead in season 3. So angsty triangle. I did my best :) I was trying to follow the storyline realistically for this. The only thing I'm not sure about is the crying.
Disclaimer: All rights reserved. I don't own Lost, ABC, or the characters. I only like to play with them. The fic however is my intellectual property and can not be taken or re-posted without my permission. Spoilers of course.
Kate reached out blindly for the water bottle resting somewhere beside her on the blanket. Her fingers curled around the damp plastic surface and she lifted it to her lips. Her mind only slightly registered the bottle's lightness because of her preoccupied thoughts. When only a swallow of warm water flowed over her tongue and the stream was interrupted, she sighed and sat up. She was feeling very thirsty but she didn't feel like leaving the privacy of her tarp shelter. The shade offered a cool spot out of the sun but the real truth was that she was avoiding Sawyer again.
Whenever her guilt and moodiness caught up with her, she was prone to hiding in her tent or walking down the beach to wallow in her thoughts. James was sometimes part of her mental and emotional turmoil, but more so it was Jack that consumed her today. However, thinking about Jack always led back to Sawyer in a vicious circle.
Kate pushed herself to her feet and swept the hanging tarp entrance of her tent to the side so she could step out into the sunlight. She held a hand up to her brow to block out the sharp bite of the light. Judging by the sky it was late in the day and dusk would be approaching soon. Knowing that made her stomach pang with hunger. It would soon be time to figure out what Dharma brand product to have for dinner. She was hungrier than usual because she had skipped lunch. Sun had found her and asked if she wanted to join Jin and herself for the meal. Though company probably would have flushed away her troubled thoughts, she wanted to spend the afternoon on her own. She immediately regretted the refusal when the Korean woman had smiled and walked away. Something was also on her friend's mind. The pair had a talent for reading one another's moods. The lunch was most likely an attempt by Sun to find out why Kate had been hiding in her tent for most of the day.
She walked the short distance in bare feet across the sand to the communal water trough. Around her, her fellow survivors were milling about their tasks, either fetching food, washing clothes or merely passing the time by talking to one another. The camp on the beach had begun to feel like a home to her, more than a real home she'd had during her life. She could remember being happy when she was younger and the hope of leaving her home town for a better a life was fresh and new. There had been many dreams, but very little chance at reaching them. When that reality had set in, she resigned herself to her fate. She would become nothing better than a white trash girl doomed to a waitressing job just like her mother.
Kate wondered if her mother was even still alive. When she last saw Diane, she'd been dieing of cancer. Even near death, her mother had been unwilling to forgive her for what she had done. She had hoped their last meeting would be a happier one. She realized bitterly that hoping for a happy ending had been stupid. Her life had never been anything spectacular. Why should she wish for happiness now? She'd created her own road of loneliness and discontent.
She came to the water trough, her face blank and devoid of her inner thoughts. Her hand dipped the water bottle down and she watched the clear liquid trickle into the plastic opening. Because she had been so lost in thought, she hadn't realized Jack was also fetching water. It took her a moment to fully realize his presence. When she did, her senses came alive. Her heart leapt, then fluttered and a nervous sensation twisted her stomach. His unique male scent floated to her nostrils, a mixture of the day's sweat and a recent attempt at washing it away. It wasn't altogether unpleasant for her.
Kate tried not to look at him, but her eyes couldn't resist glancing his way. They slid up the length of his muscular arm and landed on his stubbled visage. She was allowed a few blissful seconds of gazing at him before he decided to meet her look. Her lips tilted into a very soft smile. It was sad and almost non-existent. She wanted to be able to keep interacting with him, but she was far more afraid of pushing him even further away.
She instantly remembered the day they'd met and how he'd asked for her help with his injury. More memories followed, and though they were sad, they were enough to lift her spirits. Had she not kept control of herself, her mouth would have cracked into a large happy smile when she thought about their past flirtations. 'Don't grin like an idiot Kate. He'll run away even faster than usual.'
"Hey," she said, managing to keep her voice even.
"Hi, Kate," Jack replied with a polite smile in return. He looked away from her and Kate's smile vanished. Her lips pursed and she hid the hurt that burst within her like an explosion. She returned to watching the bottle slowly fill. Her happiness at seeing him deflated like a popped balloon and all she wanted was to run back to the sanctuary of her tent.
He finished his water gathering before she did and he offered another quick half smile before he retreated. Kate fought tears as she commanded herself to keep her eyes on the water bottle. She didn't want to look up again and see Jack returning to Juliet, grinning like he used to when they were still friends.
That thought stilled Kate completely. She risked looking up and to her relief didn't see Jack laughing with Juliet, but he had stopped to talk to Claire. She watched as the doctor bent over Aaorn, who was cradled in his mother's arms. Kate couldn't help a smile. Jack was so kind and willing to sacrifice himself for the camp. The others had been suspicious of his recent behavior, spending so much time with Juliet. Now she watched as he spoke to the young mother. That was proof to her that he hadn't changed. He was the same Jack that they had put their trust into since the crash.
But are we still friends?She asked herself. She had to admit to herself that she had strong romantic feelings for Jack. She had been attracted to him from day one and trusted him unconditionally. It was nice to think about being with Jack, loving him and having those feelings returned, but she had to be realistic. He was a good and righteous man, one she didn't deserve. She was a fugitive, a woman with a lot of hidden insecurities, and someone not destined for greatness. How could she maintain a relationship with a successful surgeon?
Were it not for the plane crash, she was sure she would never have met Jack, or anyone like him. Her life would never have guided her to someone like him… And even if it had, she knew she would have felt the same way. She wouldn't deserve something, or someone, so good.
On the Island however, she had held hope for something better. Jack had told her that everyone deserved a fresh start. There could have been a chance with him, but her demons had followed her. It was easy to tell yourself you had a fresh start, but actually living it was something else.
She'd slept with Sawyer and according to their 'guest', she'd broken Jack's heart. Had that meant he loved her? If Jack had returned her feelings, it was too late now. She'd ruined any chance of loving him by a moment of weakness. She'd given in to her lust. Not being with Jack was painful, but bearable. Loosing his friendship wasn't. The thought of never laughing with him again, or talking comfortably was agonizing. Part of her wished she would have tried harder to tell Jack about her feelings. Her fears had been too strong to suppress so saying nothing had been easier.
With the bottle full, Kate lifted her arm and trickles of water streamed down the limb. She brushed them away and twisted the cap closed. Without looking around, she began her return trek to her tent. She only took a few steps before she heard Sawyer calling her name. When she turned, he was jogging up to her with a bright smile.
Though she was brooding, she couldn't help the smile that sprang to her face initially. When she was with Sawyer, she pushed her guilt to the back of her mind. She knew she was using him for affection in certain ways and she felt badly about that. She didn't like to think that Sawyer wasn't as good a person as Jack was, but he wasn't out of her reach. He accepted her for who she was. Other than Tom, he was the only man to know her so fully. She and James, however, had so many commonalities that she knew she would never be pressed to change or become a better person as she would if she were with Jack.
As with the doctor, she was also guarded with the con man. She feared the intimacy that a true relationship might bring. For that reason, she was reluctant to utter the words 'I love you,' to either of them. Her true feelings rested with Jack, but she'd settled with Sawyer. She knew that wasn't fair for him and thinking about it killed her. There were times she knew James could see right through her. He knew she was in turmoil over Jack but he never said anything. She suspected he hoped that she would eventually let the doc go and dedicate herself fully to him. Maybe she would, she thought to herself, or maybe he would get tired of waiting and she'd be truly alone.
"Where've you been hiding today?" He asked her in his drawling, southern accent.
"I had a headache," she lied. "I was resting in my tent." Although she met his clear blue eyes with her own green ones as a way to avoid him picking up on her deceit, he knew her too well.
He nodded but didn't press her. "Well since you're feeling better now, would you like to join me for dinner? And maybe a little romance under the moonlight?" He gave her a knowing wink.
Kate gave a short, soft laugh and moved the top row of her teeth over her bottom lip. "Well, I'm still not feeling the greatest." She began to turn and walk. She figured he'd follow along behind her and he didn't disappoint her. He caught up to her and walked closely along side of her.
"Ok. Well then you get comfortable and I'll come to you." She glanced aside at him and he was flashing a sexy smile at her.
He certainly knows how to be charming, Kate thought. Had her mood not been so dour, she probably would have immediately taken his offer. Jack certainly wasn't rushing to impress her. She sighed softly and stopped near the entrance of her shelter and looked up at Sawyer. Her expression was polite and her smile smooth, just like someone who was trying to let a friend down gently. His own expression tightened and he felt a little bit of anger stirring inside of himself.
"I'd love to, James, but I just want to be alone right now. But I promise tomorrow we'll make the best breakfast this side of the Island has ever seen."
Sawyer was quiet for a moment and Kate could sense his displeasure. "Look, I know you've been avoiding me," He said in a slightly hushed tone. "But I don't think cutting yourself off is the best thing." He was treading as lightly as he could with her because he knew she could be prone to emotional moments. He wasn't always comfortable with it, or a crying woman and he usually became overly harsh.
Kate's face became stoney. "And you know what the best thing for me is?"
Sawyer groaned inwardly. The woman was too quick to go into a defensive mode, but he had to admit he could be the same way. "Well, no. But if you need to talk about something…"
"I really don't feel like talking," she said and turned her back on him so she could stalk up the beach. She knew he wouldn't appreciate the thoughts she'd been wallowing in all day and she didn't feel like lying to him anymore. She felt badly enough.
Sawyer reached out and caught her arm, stopping her. Her head twisted around and she glared at him angrily. She could tell he was also irritated, but he was keeping his temper under control. "I just want to be alone today!" she said a little too loudly. A few of their fellow survivors glanced their way. Sawyer looked at them uncomfortably.
Kate tugged hard and he released her from his grasp, but he didn't give up that easily. He chased after her as she ducked into the nearby tree line.
"Are you trying to piss me off?" Kate asked, her voice shivering a little. For the past few days tears had always been very close to the surface. They threatened to break free on a daily basis. She was already losing that battle. She stopped as water trickled from the corner of her eyes. She lifted a hand to her face to hide the evidence but she was sure Sawyer had already seen. He was very close again.
He came to a stop behind her. A silent moment passed before he spoke gently. He was trying really hard to be the person Kate needed him to be. "Freckles, I'm sorry. I was just worried about you." She didn't respond, but he could hear that her breathing was a little heavier and her back shuddered slightly. He knew she was struggling to keep herself from sobbing. He reached out a hand and put it carefully on her shoulder. When she didn't yell at him or run away, he became bolder. He slipped his arms around her and turned her against him so her face was against his chest.
Kate finally let herself go and she began to cry. Her tears soaked into his worn shirt and his body muffled her sobs. He held her until she quieted and her shivering stopped. He moved a hand upward to her head and threaded his fingers through her dark, curly locks. He stepped backwards so he could look down at her. "Better?"
Kate nodded silently at first, but then looked up at him with watery eyes. "Sorry, James," she murmured quietly. "I just didn't feel like having company. Maybe you're right. Being alone isn't helping."
He nodded and decided not to ask her why she hadn't wanted to see him. It would probably make him angry. He had a hunch, but as soon as the thought entered his mind, he felt jealousy rising. Instead of speaking he began to walk with her in the direction of his tent. She didn't object so he took that as a good sign.
"You can say as little or as much as you want, but I think we're both hungry," Sawyer said as they left the trees.
"Yeah, my stomach's growling," Kate replied evenly.
As Kate and Sawyer walked along, for the most part unnoticed by everyone else, Jack looked up. He watched the pair for a moment, his heart heavy in his chest. He noticed Kate's eyes looked puffy and for a moment wondered why she had been crying. He returned his attention to the blond doctor sitting on the sand beside him. He smiled at her, pretending that nothing was bothering him
Thank you for reading. I was not sure if the second character should have been Jack (she's thinking about him, but he isn't a big character in the story) or Sawyer (he has a bigger presence). Advice from you may help me edit it in the future.