Disclaimer— I do not own.
Just a small authors note— this is not a song fic. But I did however find this awesome song by evanescence while I was in the middle of writing this story and it totally explains how I want to portray Tony's loss. With all that said please read and enjoy.
I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.
I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).
I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
Chapter 1
Dream a dream
Tony sighed contentedly as he looked longingly at the scene that played out before him. It never failed every year he had the same dream, and he knew it was a dream because this is where he had last seen them. God he missed them so much. He knew that as soon as he decided to walk over to them he would wake up. It happened every time. And every time he still made the choice to do it. He just had to take that chance that maybe this time he would make it all the way over to them.
Tony arrived at work about three hours early that morning. He normally took the day off but this year for some reason he hadn't. So there he sat at five in the morning going though cold cases, and catching up on all of his paper work. He could feel the glare of his boss boring into the back of his head, but he steadfastly ignored it. He concentrated even harder on the papers in front of him. He really hoped his boss wouldn't be expecting an explanation, because he wasn't in the mood to give one. He sighed heavily and rubbed his tired eyes. He needed to go see the ophthalmologist, but he had been putting it off, he didn't want to admit that he might need glasses. Of course with all the hits to the head that he had taken in his lifetime he was slightly surprised that he hadn't needed them before now.
He sighed wearily again and tried to go back to concentrating on his work. He often came in early or worked late, when the office was quite and there was no one there to distract him, and when he didn't have to pretend, he didn't have to worry about making sure that his mask was solidly in place. After a few minutes though he gave up and laid his head down on his desk. He breathed deeply in and then released it slowly. He just couldn't bring himself to care the his boss was watching. He didn't expect it to happen but he actually managed to fall into a light doze.
He was grateful that his boss seemed content to leave him be. He knew that Gibbs' gut was probably giving him a grade a temper tantrum right now, but he was glad that even though he was probably chomping at the bit to come down and interrogate him he restrained himself probably realizing that coming right out and cornering him wasn't going to work this time.
Tony wasn't sure how long he had been asleep but if the kink in his neck was anything to go by, it had been a while. Tony carefully looked at his watch and saw to his surprise that he had slept a little over an hour, which was more than he had slept in the last week. He jumped when a large coffee was suddenly shoved under his nose. He leaned back in his chair and cried out, "Crap boss! Don't do that! One of these times I'm gonna have a heart attack. I'm not getting any younger yah know."
Gibbs smiled and said, "I'll keep that in mind Tony."
Tony cringed inwardly. If Gibbs was using his first name that meant that he was dying or he was gonna try and drag his deepest darkest secrets out of him again. In an attempt to head off his boss he said, "I'm really not in the mood to talk about it Gibbs."
Now it was Gibbs' turn to cringe, he knew how much it threw Tony for a loop when he was nice to him, but Gibbs wanted Tony to know that if he wanted to he could come and talk to him. He also noted the use of his name rather than the customary boss. Gibbs knew that trying to drag out whatever was eating at his senior field agent by cornering him wasn't going to work this time so wisely switching to Tony's sir name he said, "That's fine DiNozzo. But I am here when you are ready to talk about it."
Tony sighed and said, "Thanks Boss."
Gibbs just shook his head and then inspecting his agent a little more closely noticed the dark circles and heavy bags under his eyes. He also noticed his pasty skin and how his face looked a little more sunken in. Gibbs took a drink of coffee, then said, "You look like shit DiNozzo. When was the last time you had a proper meal?"
Gibbs felt his gut go into over time again while DiNozzo thought about the last time he had eaten properly. He sighed and said, "Never mind DiNozzo, if you have to think about it, it's been to long."
Tony sighed and said, "Yah I guess I have been a little off since that last op."
Gibbs almost choked on his coffee. If Tony was admitting that he wasn't doing well then there was definitely something wrong. Gibbs just stared at him then said, "Yah that was a bad one. Look I want you to go and get some real food, and then I want you to sleep some more." He looked at the clock and thought for a minute, "We still have two hours I want you to go and I don't want to see you back here before eight 'o-clock. Then I want you to go and see Ducky for a check up. Your due for one any ways."
Tony smiled, grateful that his boss was willing to let it go for now. He stood and stretched out all the kinks from his body and said, "Thanks Boss."
Gibbs nodded then said. "Tony if you want to talk I'm here."
Tony nodded and said, "I appreciate that boss. And maybe some day soon I can talk to you about it. Just not today."
Gibbs nodded. He could understand; he had more than his fair share of secrets. He sighed as he watched his agent disappear into the elevator. He had a feeling that today was gonna be another bad one.
This feeling of foreboding only intensified when the second elevator dinged and three men all dressed in black suits stepped off. Gibbs watched as Vance came out of his office and personally escorted them into a conference room.