To the Victor Go the Spoils
Disclaimer: I, obviously, don't own a crumb.
Notes: That's what reading too much Plato does to you. Feel free to mock or criticise me for this crap.
At first, Kaoru believed that Hikaru was the only one. The only one to want Haruhi; he believed that it was him whose heart had been conquered (it was Hikaru who blushed, trembled and mumbled like an idiot around Haruhi). As to himself, Kaoru believed that, though he admired and cherished her immensely, he wasn't attracted to Haruhi in that way (there was no reason for such; he was perfectly in control of his hormones and wasn't pathetic enough to fool in love with some cross-dressing girl). It couldn't be because it was confusing, conflicting and every other sort of thing that was counterproductive. (He couldn't be that foolish, could he?)
It would be truly idiotic to wreck his friendship with her, and stand in way of his brother's happiness. Hikaru was the one who needed her desperately. And even if he didn't, there was someone else in the way that Kaoru didn't wish to betray (Tamaki wasn't going to remain oblivious forever). No, he wasn't that foolish. He wasn't going to do anything stupid because he wasn't a dim-witted idiot
I will not fall for her, I will not. I'm not in love
But, against all odds, he was (in love). Time and time again, Kaoru began to realise little things about her; things that at first seemed insignificant, but gained more importance when the puzzle was put together (when he came to understand who Haruhi really was). He realised that Haruhi chewed on her lower lips when she was trying to concentrate, didn't fancy heights and was prone to get a tad bit angry when her father left the kitchen in a mess (he'd been an observer to an interesting outburst during a brief visit to her apartment). In short, he began to see her weaknesses, too.
Had he been Hikaru, he would have used those weaknesses against her, by taunting or simply teasing her…but he wasn't Hikaru. No, he was Kaoru and as Kaoru (himself) he only felt more drawn to her: all those little, embarrassing details made her attractive to him. Haruhi was Haruhi. And that was what Kaoru liked about her; only that it was a lie. He didn't merely like her. No, she meant more to him (so much more).
He was in love with her. It was that simple. And because he was in love, he didn't want to share her with anyone. Not with Hikaru or anyone else for that matter. Or so it should have been, if Kaoru had been selfish, possessive and more like his brother.
But because he loved her, he also didn't want her to suffer from his selfishness. He didn't want Hikaru to suffer. Hikaru needed her more than he did her. If Haruhi ever got involved with his twin, he wouldn't stand in the way.
So, he watched from the shadows, satisfied with loving her from afar. It didn't matter that his heart was breaking inside. That didn't matter at all (he was going to withstand because he wasn't egoistic. He really wasn't).
It didn't matter that he was lying to himself. And for a while, things didn't change.
Yet, one day things did change, just like that (most things change surprisingly, leaving us behind breathless and dazed. That's the cruel twist of fate).
Kaoru and Haruhi were surprised by rain. It wasn't really much, being only a drizzle. The rain fell in droplets, soaking both of them and making them laugh like little kids; it was as nothing matter anymore. It didn't matter that they were seventeen and going to graduate in roughly a year. Nothing mattered anymore.
So, Kaoru, pulled her against his body, and leant against a tree to protect her from the rain. It was already too late, though. Both of them were drenched wet; both of them were shivering with the feeling of slight coolness. It shouldn't have been anything special: they were friends caught up in a little rain and were hiding under a tree as means of shelter. It happened all the time.
But Kaoru couldn't help looking at Haruhi (he couldn't ignore how nice it felt to hold her like this).
Haruhi had never looked more beautiful in his eyes (droplets of rainwater were dripping, falling down her nose and wetting her lips). Kaoru couldn't really tell what grabbed control of him right there, and he would never be able to. Suddenly, like a demon possessed, he reached out to touch her face (he caressed her hair and traced a line down her cheek). Haruhi didn't slap his hand away, but looked at him questioningly.
But it wasn't a bemused or an anxious gaze; it was only a searching one, trying to find out what he was up to. And then, in the midst of all this madness, he kissed her. Kaoru didn't kiss her passionately or desperately (it was his first kiss and, consequently, his heart was thumping wildly in his chest), but earnestly and gently. He didn't know why he reacted like that (that was lie though, he knew that it was because he'd dreamt about this for a long time), but at that moment Kaoru really didn't have the mind to care. What he did care about, though, was that Haruhi's lips were soft and that her hands – those small, nimble hands – were driving through his hair and caressing his face. Kaoru felt a bit more daring and eased Haruhi's mouth open by licking her lips (he felt his cheeks light up at that, but continued to explore her mouth).
For a brief moment, he felt like a normal teenager enjoying intimacy with the girl he loved. There were no barriers. Hikaru be damned.
After the kiss ended, Haruhi didn't speak a word. Instead she merely raised her eyes to meet his, challenging him. Kaoru blushed, fumbling with his words and scratching his head (he was feeling stupid).
"Haruhi, I…" Kaoru started, only to find himself unable to continue.
"Why did you kiss me?" she asked in that pragmatically practical voice of hers, never breaking or altering in the slightest. Kaoru had to wonder whether there was anything that did affect her in some way (because this certainly didn't). She was frightening in that respect; he didn't know what she was thinking because nothing seemed to trouble her. Then again, her unfazed attitude was one of things he loved best about her. But at the moment, he didn't love it (he was scared and trembling like someone awaiting his execution).
Do you even care that we kissed?
"I…don't know," Kaoru answered, unable to look her into the eyes. He couldn't say the words. Not yet, not until he was absolutely sure. Not until he knew that Haruhi felt something (if she did, he would do anything for her. He only needed some kind of assurance).
"It was a mistake, Haruhi. A hormonal slip on my part, just forget it," he said.
Again, he was lying to himself (he hoped she'd see through the lie).
But she didn't: Haruhi accepted it and nodding, she turned away from him and didn't to anything to change his mind.
And he was too much of a coward to kiss her again.
Haruhi never addressed the kiss again and to Kaoru's relief they didn't have the chance to do it again. He had resumed watching her from afar, trying to push her into his brother's direction.
Still, sometimes he would recall the taste of her lips and observe Haruhi smile at her clients. He would remember what it had felt like to feel Haruhi's warm hands cling to his neck; he would vividly recall how her body had fitted against his own. It didn't end there (at night, he dreamt of kissing her everywhere).
But Kaoru remained silent. All throughout high school, he didn't say a word and never tried to get close to her again. So, days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Eventually, Kaoru woke up one day to find out that he was eighteen and about to graduate.
Their graduation ceremony wasn't anything spectacular. With the departure of Tamaki (who, in his obliviousness, never realised what he felt for her), the Host Club had lost its glamour and what had remained was a shade, a mere shadow of what had once been (they were like a formerly beautiful picture that was slowly fading and falling apart). But that didn't matter: Kaoru was happy to be at the side of his twin and the girl he liked. He was happy to see Hikaru grow closer to Haruhi, he was happy that Haruhi was allowing his brother to be close to her.
It didn't matter that a part of him was insanely jealous. It didn't matter that part of him was regretting. And Kaoru hated himself for that.
He could hear the creaks of the bed and the subdued moaning (they were fornicating). Kaoru knew it, though they were trying to be as silent as possible. With each creak of the bed, Kaoru felt himself tearing up inside (he had no right to be angry, but still his blood boiled and his heart jolted).
It was what he had wanted all along. Hikaru had finally got what he deserved: he had finally won the attentions of Haruhi. But still, Kaoru had not know that it would be that painful to hear them having sex (he had never pondered the possibility). It was painful to know that only a wall separated them; that behind that wall Hikaru was kissing and making love to Haruhi. No, Kaoru wasn't jealous: he couldn't be. On the contrary, he was happy for his brother
It wasn't as if he was jealous of his twin finally having lost his virginity. Kaoru had had sex before (it wasn't difficult for him to charm girls into bed). But, in retrospect, all those evenings spent in the arms of girls he didn't care about, had never satisfied him. Not fully because they hadn't been Haruhi.
But that was something Hikaru could never know be happy ignorant Hikaru, be happy.
"Kaoru, do you remember that one time? That kiss?" Haruhi asked, walking beside him.
"I do, but it's not of any importance."
"No, it isn't, but haven't you ever wondered? About what might have been, if we had…"
And for the first time since Kaoru had known Haruhi, she couldn't find the right words. For the first time, she was afraid of saying what was on her mind.
"—gotten together? That's a silly notion, Haruhi. You're engaged to him and in less than a week, you'll be married. Be happy and don't waste your thoughts on things that bear no meaning. It was only a kiss."
Please don't make this any harder than it already is. Don't make me regret, Haruhi. I'm doing this for your and his good. I'm not going to stand in the way. Not now or ever.
"You're right, Kaoru. Sorry for bringing it up. I must be getting cold feet because of the wedding," Haruhi answered, laughing a little. Her laugh was another slap in the face because it … (indicated that she didn't care, that she didn't give a damn about him. He was nothing, expendable).
"Just forget it. It's not important at all, "Kaoru said, mimicking cheerfulness and laughing right along with her.
It was frighteningly easy to laugh, even though he felt like tearing something to bits and pieces at the very moment. But he was too scared to tell her what he really felt like.
A week after that Haruhi married (she married in white, surrounded by rose bouquets, their friends and her gushing father). Strangely, she didn't look that beautiful to him on her wedding day. The long hair, make-up and long bride dress didn't suit her. She looked alien; it wasn't the Haruhi he knew (Hikaru was making sure that she was becoming more feminine, thus making her look like a doll). But that was lie; Kaoru had never seen her look more stunning (but he couldn't admit it because it made him seething with disappointment; something was mocking him, mocking his cowardice).
Foolish boy, you should have grasped the chance when you had it. Now, you're the fool, aren't you?
Kaoru pretended that he didn't mind seeing her in the arms of Hikaru; it didn't hurt him in the slightest. It didn't matter that Haruhi was never going to be his now; the fact that he'd blasted his chance was an insignificant fact (what had been, had been and nothing could be changed about that). It didn't matter that he was dying inside (he felt like someone was stabbing him with a sharp blade, stabbing and piercing him until he was going to die from blood loss).
No, he didn't care. He didn't love Haruhi, after all. He didn't care. But, in the end, it was too bad. It was too bad that all of this was a lie (a big, fat lie). But he wasn't going to mourn because it was lie he'd constructed himself (he had spun it around and around him like a web that slowly suffocating him to death).
(Deep down he was disappointed and asked himself what would have happened, if he had kissed her again. Part of him of wondered if, --provided he had kissed her again -- he would be the one holding and leading her out the church now. )
But that never happened. And Kaoru had to pretend (pretension is another thing humans are good at).
Kaoru should have been happy because Haruhi was happy: she didn't look crushed or regretful of anything (in the dreams that haunted him years after, she always looked nostalgic).
And like all self-sacrificing fools, he lived up to the lie (did he have another choice?).
FINIS