Disclaimer: none of these characters belong to me; they belong to Shoot the Moon Enterprises and Warner Bros to whom I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to take them out for a spin and bit of light humour.

A/N: This started life as a middle-of-the night joke about needing a story prompt to lure in the muse. I was given three in a matter of seconds and somehow, they all ended up getting used in the same story. Hope you enjoy!

Black Books, Dark Chocolate

"Francine, I am so sorry I have to do this, but…" Amanda really did look regretful but she had that determined look that Lee knew all too well. He hid a grin at the knowledge that there was no way Francine would know what it meant.

"Nooooo," whined Francine, lunging to the right in an attempt to get past Amanda who was standing between her and the door, hands on hips. Without a pause, Amanda's arm shot out sideways, sliding around Francine's waist and spinning her in place. Maintaining a firm grip on Francine's belt, Amanda hugged her close so that she could force her hand down the front of Francine's blouse and pull out the contraband which she tossed across the room to Lee, all in one fluid movement.

"Wow, that was amazing!" stated an astonished Lee as he dropped the box of drugged chocolates into an evidence bag. "You've really been working on your tactics in your training classes."

Amanda released a furious Francine. "Oh, that's not Agency training – that's just being a mom. Drunks aren't that much different from toddlers really," she answered. "You just gotta know how to use their momentum against them."

"A-MAN-DA!" Francine was swaying in place and stamping her foot, making her outrage clear. "Those were MINE! Beaman gave them to me because he knows they're my favorite!"

Amanda took her by the arm and led her back to the hospital bed. "Francine, those chocolates weren't from Efraim, they were sent by Andrei Zinoviev and they're full of triclozamepram. And now you need to get back in the bed, and wait for the nice doctor to come."

Francine flopped down on the bed, falling backwards with her arms akimbo. Just when Lee and Amanda had started to relax, thinking the drugs might finally be making her sleepy, she sat bolt upright and leaned forward confidingly. "Efraim brings me chocolate all the time, you know. He leaves them on my desk because I'm his favourite!" she said in a sing-song voice.

Lee and Amanda exchanged an amused look. Amanda sat down on the bed and took her hand and began rubbing it soothingly. "We know that."

"You do?" Francine's eyes were wide.

"Everybody knows that," interjected Lee helpfully.

"They do?" Francine sounded way more surprised than she should.

"Oh yeah," said Amanda cheerfully. "That's why they ended up on your desk. Fred just assumed they were for you."

"And they weren't?" Francine still seemed to be having trouble understanding what had happened.

"No, they were meant for me and Lee," Amanda explained guiltily. "We found the note afterward."

"Yeah," added Lee. "After you ate six of them in five minutes and got enough drugs to fell a moose."

"Lee!" scolded Amanda. "That's not helping!"

"What? It's not like she's going to remember it," he laughed.

"She might!"

Francine shook a finger at him – although she wasn't quite sure which of the two Lees she was mad at. "I'll remember! I have a memory like a steel trap!" she slurred.

"Oh really?" grinned Lee

"Yup really." She sat swaying for a minute, face screwed up in concentration before turning to Amanda. "Fr'instance – did I ever tell you about the time in Tibet when I got into a vodka drinking contest and Lee set the place on fire by mistake?"

Amanda looked over at Lee who just looked back in confusion. "Um, Francine? I think that's just a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, isn't it?"

Francine stared at her owlishly. "Huh. You might be right." She thought hard again. "Okay, did I tell you what I found out when we were calling those girls from Lee's black books? There was a girl named Brandy and she had a little crown beside her name – guess what he'd told her?"

Lee leapt forward and put his hand over her mouth. "That's okay, Francine. I'm sure Amanda believes you have a great memory!" he pulled his hand back with a yelp. "Ow! You bit me!"

Francine nodded with a look of satisfaction. "Yup." She turned to Amanda again. "So Brandy… or was it Kandee? Anyway…."

Fortunately for Lee, the doctor arrived just at that moment with a syringe full of antidote and before Francine could spill anything else, he'd ushered Lee and Amanda out of the room, telling them the medical staff would take it from here.

"Let me guess – Crown Prince?" said Amanda finally.

"Now that one was for a cover," explained Lee with a grin. "I had to tell her I was the long-lost grandson of Tsar Nicholas."

"Uh-huh," said Amanda with just the right amount of disbelief in her tone. "I'm sure Brandy-Kandee had a deep abiding interest in Russian history. But you know, I always wondered about those little cat symbols you had all through 1981 and now I'm afraid to ask."

Lee slipped his arm through hers and turned her towards the exit. "Ah, 1981. That would have been the lion tamer years…"

"Of course" chortled Amanda. "What else could it have been?"

Francine woke up in hospital the next morning with only the barest memory of what had happened to her the day before. She had a vague feeling she might have done or said something embarrassing. She began trying to piece it together but all she could remember for certain was that there had been a box of chocolates on her desk and… at the very thought, of chocolate, her stomach revolted and she raced for the bathroom, retching uncontrollably.

"Oh God," she muttered to herself. "Some days, it's not worth getting up in the morning."