Dating lesson 101 (Opening Omake)
Hi, it is nice to meet you.
Too bad that I don't really have the time for small chats. You see, I'm currently in a very precarious situation right now, so when you are reading this it would mean that I am probably dead by now…
Literally.
Well I know we barely know each other, but what can I say, it's easier to talk to a stranger. Before I continue, just a warning beforehand.
What you are about to read is something very mundane, dull and real. It does not contain sunshine and butterflies….. or rainbows. Liked I said read it at your own risk.
I know… I know… I'm losing some of you already, so let me just continue from where I was.
Hmm…
You're asking me why I would assume my death. Well, the truth is when I mean dying I don't really mean no longer living or brain-dead, nothing of that sort. Actually I'm feeling a little brain-dead by now, if you know what I mean. Who can stand a three hour meeting without making any noises or sound and just sit there sifting through thousands of papers!
Apparently I can, along with other six that are currently present in this room doing the same thing as I am.
You must be thinking, "what a brat I am, making a big deal out of little things", but hey I don't know you and you don't know me, so don't judge.
I will admit that I am exaggerating; I will even admit to the whole world that I'm an arrogant bitch and an egoistic bastard, but who cares, the world sucks anyway. Well the world doesn't suck entirely, but it was great for only a few moments. Like that time when I went skiing at Yellowstone, it was one of the best times I had in a long while.
Oh and not to forget when my darling and I went to Hokkaido in the summer. The lavender fields were amazing; it was one of the most beautiful sights ever. Oh..Oh.. and that time when we were at…..
What?
Huh?
Yeah, what about the lavender? Uh huh…Uh huh… Yesss… Who did I go with? Well I went with my darling of course. Who's my darling? My darling is K….
Hey! Aren't you asking too many questions! You nosy little thing! You're curious? Hah!… if you wanna know that badly find it out yourself! ….
….
….
….
Urgh! Fine, I will tell you just stop begging!
My darling is the most beautiful, gorgeous, attractive, brilliant, smart, artistic, sexy, huggable and kissable angel. The last two words are only meant for me to do!
Hmmm….Wanna see her picture?
There you go… This is my lovely wife, Kaioh Michiru. My one and only!
Hey!... What's with that look on your face! I warn you, you idiot, don't get any dirty thoughts, SHE's MINE!
But on a second thought, I can't really blame you, she's just too pretty for her own good, but still she's mine!
Hey! See it's your entire fault that I've side-tracked so much. What was I saying before…. Oh yeah the meeting that I'm stuck in. I can't wait to get out of here! Everyone gives me envious look whenever I tell them what my profession is, but let me tell you that's only what you see on the surface. In actual fact my job is time consuming and boring as hell.
What's my job you ask? I'm an editor. An executive editor for a travel magazine to be exact. Don't give me that face that says "I wanna have a job like yours"! See what I meant about all the envious looks I've been receiving. It's cool to tell someone you're an editor for a big publishing company, but like I said it's not always sunshine and butterflies. We have to work our ass off just to finalise one tiny, puny and short, freaking paragraph. Yes, one paragraph out of the whole magazine! Nevertheless, the pay is good, and like everyone says money makes the world goes around, or is it not.
Enough about all this ranting. I need to finish my job fast and when I mean fast it's like I have to finish it now. So stop bothering me! What am I rushing for? Don't make me roll my eyeball….. Why would I want to stay here for another second? It's like asking someone to stay in hell when he could gladly move onto heaven. Moreover, I have a dinner to attend, well more like a date. With who? My wife of course….. Stop asking the obvious questions. It makes me feel stupid when answering them.
More importantly, I can't be late. You see my wife as lovely as she can be, she is kinda strict when it comes to punctuality and some other stuff which I deem unimportant, but don't tell her that.
Wipe that smirk off your face before I rip your mouth off!
Now where was I…. Yeah, my wife is strict, very strict. What can I say, she was brought up in a proper family which teaches you how to drink and eat. It doesn't mean I wasn't brought up well, I know my manners and how to act appropriately at a given time, but I feel restricted and uneasy, like I can't be myself. So, I don't give a damn about manners and humility and the rest are all crap to me.
I feel that God is playing a cruel joke on me. He made me fall in love with my wife. Imagine a barbaric me falling in love with a proper lady like her. We belong in two different world; different universe. We are like heaven and hell. But still, I was weak to her and was defeated badly. I succumbed to her beauty. Shut up! I am not whipped! At least I have a beautiful wife to show off, what about you?!
Shit! I am late!
Stop following me! Are you a stalker or what!
What…..?! I am driving too fast? Heh….. My friend you haven't seen me drive fast. I have to make a quick stop.
What for?
To buy flowers of course!
Flowers for whom you're asking? My friend you really need to attend dating lessons.
I'm late, so imagine my wife waiting for me, puffing out her chubby little cheeks being mad at me. Therefore, it's always safe to get flowers if you know that you are in trouble. At least you have a chance to make her calm down.
I'm pretty good at this you say? Hey! I'm awesome at this okay!
Yeah yeah yeah…. I used to flirt around with lots of girls when I was younger, until I met her.
You're lucky today because I'm giving you a free lesson on how to make your pissed girlfriend or for my case is my wife, not piss at you anymore. Firstly, put on a guilty look. Try to make it cute. Okay now you exit the car with that look stuck on your face. Oh yeah, she is damn pissed off right now. I can see dark clouds roaming above her head. In this situation you must play along with her, meaning to go along with her emotions.
Try giving her a little small smile, like the ones little kids have when they got caught doing something they are not supposed to. Okay, her facial expression did not change. It's time to play the sympathy card. Move your hand forward and try to hold her hand. If she didn't pull away it means that she is not that piss after all, but of course she is still angry at you. Shower her hand with sweet little kisses; this will melt her down for sure. Next, apologise to her for being late and say that it was no excuse to be late even though you've been working your ass off since morning. Of course, try to put it in nicer words and remember to emphasise that you are late because of your work.
Wait…No.. no… you have to keep that guilty look stuck on your face. What do you mean that it's tiring! Do you want to have a girlfriend or not! Oh, did you see that, the clouds are disappearing one by one. Okay for the final push present her with the flower that you've just gotten. She will be extremely touched.
Ahhhh…. The smile. You know that you are out of trouble when she gives you that smile. The smile that brightens up your day after all the crap you have suffered at work for the whole day. Apologised once more and move in for a kiss on the lips.
There, a job well done I must say, officer.
Wait…. You don't deserve that from me. I'm the one who's doing all the hard work.
"Haruka, we should go darling. Before they cancel our reservations." My wife has a sexy voice doesn't she? Huh…. What… Oh yeah… I should reply her.
"Let's go. I'm starving. I think I can swallow a whole cow!" Ohhhh….and she has a cute giggle too. What's with the rolling of eyes? I know that you're jealous, but well what can I say, she's one in a universe.
Now shoo…. Now it's our alone time. Go buy yourself dinner and stop following me!