Can You Imagine?
Carlisle's POV
"How long?" My wife of twenty-five years demanded to know. "How long, Carlisle?"
"A few months," I whispered. I had never intended this...getting caught or the affair. I loved Esme. We had two, incredible children together. When I pictured my future, we were sitting on a swing, watching our grandkids running around our yard. I pictured us dying together because living without each other would be too painful. It was her. It had always been her.
Except when it was Heidi. The new, much younger nurse at the hospital.
At first, I never thought much of her. She was only a little bit older than our eldest son, Jasper. She'd just finished nursing school and had just moved to New York from somewhere in Texas. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was beautiful and I imagined guys were throwing themselves at her. But, I was married. She was just a pretty girl and there was no way in hell I'd even look at her that way.
And then I did.
We had been working on saving an eleven-year-old who was an innocent victim of a horrific accident. Her Mom just wanted to take her to get some ice cream when some drunk man ran in the middle of the road. The mother swerved to avoid hitting the man but ended wrapping her car around a pole. She died instantly, and the daughter was barely alive when the EMT's arrived.
We tried for hours to save her life, replenishing her blood supply and doing CPR until we were exhausted. I just wanted to save her because...she was so young and had her entire life in front of her. And...her poor father who was waiting for us to come and tell him his beautiful daughter was alive.
Life just wasn't that kind, though. And eventually, I had to call time of death.
"Time of death..." I trailed off as I look down at the little girl lying on the table. "Ten twenty-two p.m." I ripped my gloves off and ran from the room into the nearest bathroom. I was a doctor and had lost a handful of children before. It was an awful thing that came with being a doctor in a hospital. But this one...this little girl hit me hard and I just couldn't get a grip.
But I needed to get a grip. There was a man pacing around the waiting room for me to come and tell him what happened. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I took one last shaky breath and went out to where he was waiting with people I assumed to be his parents.
"How is she?" He jumped out of his seat and ran over to me. "How's my Maddie?"
"Sir, we...we did everything we could," I told him and he stepped away from me.
"Where is she?"
"Sir, the damage caused by the accident was just too severe," I whispered, barely able to look him in the eyes. "We tried everything, but we just couldn't bring her back. I'm so sorry."
"No," He cried as the couple who'd been sitting with him pulled him back to his chair. "NO!" He cried and I could feel my heart shattering for him.
I silently backed away from them and retreated to the nearby supply closet. I buried my face in my hands and started to cry for the things she'd never do. I didn't know what had come over me, but I couldn't help it.
I usually didn't get emotional about my patients not making it, but this kid just got to me. It brought back terrible memories of the time Esme and my youngest, Edward got into a fender bender when he was thirteen. It was nothing serious, and the worst that happened was Edward had a bit of whiplash. But, as I looked down at that little girl I couldn't help but remember that day. I couldn't help feel sorry for the father who'd lost his wife and child in one, swift movement.
For the family that had been broken.
My family was everything and I never wanted to know what kind of pain that poor father was in. It had to be unbearable and I felt as if I was partly responsible for it.
"You okay?" I heard Heidi's soft voice from behind me. I wiped my face and then turned around to face her. She was covered in the little girl's blood, and when I looked down at my white coat and light blue button down shirt, I realized I was also covered in her blood.
"Yeah," I lied. "We should get back to work," I tried pushing past her because I just needed to do something productive so I just felt a little bit useful.
"Carlisle?" She asked before reaching out and grabbing my arm. It was strange. She's never called me by my first name before. I cocked an eyebrow in confusion at her as she pulled me close to her and then ran her hands up my chest.
"Heidi, no," I argued. There were flashing red lights and loud sirens going off in my head. I needed to get out of this closet. "I'm married." And I was her boss.
"So?" She asked, pushing my coat off my shoulders. "I have a boyfriend. But that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun,"
"Heidi, I'm happily married," I told her as she began to unbutton my shirt. My breathing started to pick up as she continued to unbutton my shirt...I really needed to get out of there. Then, she reached down and cupped me through my pants and I hissed. It shouldn't have felt good, but damn did it feel good.
"Then why are you hard for another woman?" She asked as she gripped my shirt and pulled me closer to her. I pulled her scrubs off her body and told her to turn around. I couldn't look at her as we did this. I should have walked away at that moment, but she grabbed my dick and positioned it at her entrance. I growled as I entered her and shut my eyes. It was quick and dirty, but it didn't matter how fast we went.
I was a cheater.
I had never felt more like a pig than I did as I pulled my clothes back on. She promised she wouldn't tell anyone and I told her this was never going to happen again. After I was dressed, I bolted for the bathroom and threw up. I had just cheated on my beautiful, perfect wife. I had an amazing life and an amazing family. I had just broken that within a few minutes of pleasure. I knew better than to get sucked into what had happened, but my head just wasn't thinking.
That was no excuse though.
I went home and was thankful my wife were already asleep. I climbed into bed and turned away from Esme, unable to look at her. If I looked at her, I would start crying and then she'd wake up. I fell asleep and had nightmares all night of what I'd done. I promised that nothing like that was ever going to happen and I was going to be a better mad for Esme.
The next morning, I got up before Esme to go for a run to clear my head and when I got back, I could hear her in the kitchen. I ran upstairs to get showered and hoped she would be on her way out the door when I got out. I hated this. I didn't want to avoid her, but I couldn't risk blabbing about what happened. We'd always been honest with each other, but I couldn't tell her this.
It would break us.
But, she wasn't even dressed when I got out of the shower and she gave me a classic smile as I padded into the kitchen.
"Morning, honey," She smiled as I poured myself a cup of coffee.
"Morning," I avoided eye contact with her.
"You got home late last night," I froze, praying and hoping I didn't smell like Heidi.
"There was a bad accident that came in around nine," I explained. "And we lost the little girl and I just needed...time to clear my head before coming home."
"Awe, sweetie, I'm sure that was hard," She came over to me and ran her hands through my damp hair.
This was my second chance. I vowed to myself that I would never let Heidi get that close to me again.
We didn't stop though. At first, it would happen after a rough night in the ER and it always ended with me running to the bathroom to throw up. The guilt never was awful and I never stopped feeling guilty, but she was just so damn alluring. I turned into someone completely different when she was around me and I forgot about the ring on my left finger. I forgot about my vows for the time we were together, and then I remembered who I was when we were finished.
With my demanding job, my family never expected anything was going on. I was staying at the hospital with Heidi in my office, but they never guessed. I always just told them things were hectic and we were short staffed. That was true. We were short staffed...for about two weeks. Then they hired a new doctor and we were fully staffed again. But, my family didn't know that and I spent my nights, buried deep inside someone who wasn't my wife.
"A few months?" She yelled, picking up the coffee mug that was sitting on my desk. "You've been fucking another woman for a few months?" she screeched, throwing the mug at me.
"Esme..." My worst fear had come true that afternoon when Esme decided to surprise me with lunch. Heidi's schedule had been altered and we didn't work together at night anymore. She worked mornings and left only an hour after I got there. At first, I thought this was the sign we needed to stop what we were doing. And it worked for a while. But then, this afternoon, I found her sitting on my desk, and she was only in her underwear. I dropped the charts I was carrying and walked over to her.
"Fuck," I mumbled as she pushed my coat off my shoulders and I reached around to unclasp her bra.
I had forgotten to lock the door.
We hadn't gotten very far when Esme opened the door, but she wasn't dumb. My white coat was on the floor, my shirt was unbuttoned, and Heidi's legs were wrapped around my waist. Not to mention Heidi was practically naked.
We jumped apart so fast and Heidi looked absolutely mortified as she gathered her things and ran out of my office. I was pretty certain she had no idea that the person who just walked in on us was my wife.
"I think you should just sleep here tonight." She whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. I felt awful. She was in so much pain and I was the one to cause that pain. I had crushed her.
"Please, Esme." I pleaded, walking over to her and grabbing her hand. I couldn't lose her. I wouldn't make it without her.
"Don't fucking touch me!" She yelled, pulling back and turning away from me. "You promised me you'd never do what Marcus did to my sister." I cringed at the memory of when Claire came to our house in tears when she found out her fiance had been sleeping with their neighbor. "You made vows to me! We're married, Carlisle!"
"I know." I didn't know what to even say. I hated myself just as much as she did.
"Don't come home tonight." She shook her head, bending down and grabbing her purse from the ground. "Or tomorrow night."
"Esme," We needed to work things out.
"You know...just fucking don't come home at all." She cried as she ran out of the room.
I respected Esme's wishes. I stayed away from the house and stayed with my brother, Emmett and his wife. He never asked me questions, but he knew me well enough to know that it was bad. I felt bad. Growing up, Emmett and I told each other everything. I wanted to be able to talk to someone about this, but no matter who I'd tell, I was the asshole who cheated. I wouldn't get any sympathy and I didn't deserve it.
So, he just let me crash in his guestroom and we didn't talk much. I stayed at work a lot because that was better than sleeping in an empty bed at my brother's house. I didn't get much sleep, but I hadn't been sleeping well since the day Heidi and I found us in that closet.
Heidi transferred to the pediatric ward and I was grateful. I couldn't be around her anymore without wanting to strangle her and then kill myself. I hated her for throwing herself at me, but I hated myself more. I was a grown ass man, I should have been able to push her away and get out of that supply closet. I shouldn't have done what I did.
But I did and I was the only one responsible for that.
I was grateful when the holiday season started. I was welcome back to my house for Thanksgiving, but only because Esme didn't want to tell our sons that we were separated. Our kids were coming home and they would be staying with us for their short breaks, we didn't want to ruin their holiday by having to explain everything to them. I wished she'd talk to me, but I knew she was hurting. Each time she looked at me, her eyes welled up with tears.
I knew she needed time, but I wished she'd talk to me, but I knew she was hurting. Each time she looked at me, her eyes welled up with tears. We didn't spend much time in the same room for that matter, but it was kind of obvious something was different.
My boys weren't stupid. They knew something was wrong, but they were too scared to ask. So, they kept their mouths shut and thankfully Jasper's fiancé, Alice, was excellent at starting conversations. We didn't have to sit in awkward silence for four nights while they were home for the holiday. Once Edward was back at school and Jasper and Alice went home, I packed up my duffle bag and went back to live at Emmett's house.
The first week of December, though, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to figure out a way to get Esme to talk to me so I sent her flowers and a note begging her to meeting me at a couples therapist for a session. I knew there was a good chance she wouldn't come, but I had to do something. The last few weeks had been absolute hell and I needed to talk to her. When she was ten minutes late, I was sure she wasn't going to come. But, just as I was standing the leave the office, the door opened and Esme walked through the doors.
"You came." I breathed as she sat down on the far end of the couch I was sitting on.
"We have kids." She cried, refusing to look at me. "I'm here for them because it would kill them if we ended things. But I do not forgive you, Carlisle, and I don't think I ever will."
"I understand," I nodded sadly as the therapist opened her office door.
Esme and I went to couples therapy once a week until Christmas. It was the hardest thing we'd ever done. It was so emotional and painful to talk about, but we needed to do it. I was still staying with Emmett, but Esme allowed me to come home for the holidays.
This time, Esme let me sleep in the bed with her instead of on the floor like Thanksgiving. But, she'd put a wall of pillows down the middle, making sure we wouldn't even touch in our sleep.
Alice and Jasper announced that they had set their wedding day for the beginning of April. We all questioned them why so soon, and they told us they didn't want to wait anymore. They just wanted to start their lives together.
That's how I felt when I asked Esme to marry me.
"Dad, let's go to the batting cages," Edward said as he threw me my batting glove a few days after Christmas Day.
"The batting cages?" It was something we had always done together, but he stopped playing once he went to school.
"Yeah, why the hell not?" He shrugged. "I'll drive," He held up his keys and I agreed to go with him. I got changed and met him in his car and we headed across town to the batting cages.
It was a lot of fun to spend quality time like this with Edward again. We'd always been close, but it was different now that he was in college. He wasn't very far away, but his major was demanding and he didn't com home very often anymore because of it. Plus, he'd found himself a girlfriend almost immediately so a lot of his time was spent with her.
"So, what's the real reason you asked me to come with you to the batting cages?"
"Can't a father and son spend some time together?"
"We've been spending plenty of time together lately, Edward."
"What's going on with you and Mom?"
"Nothing, we're fine."
"Dad, I'm twenty-one years old," He reminded me. "You don't have to coddle me. I can handle it."
"We're just working through some things right now," That wasn't a lie. There was no way in hell I was going to tell him I cheated on his mother.
"You and Mom never fight."
"Edward, this isn't something you need to be worried about. We're going through a bit of a rough patch, but we're fine."
"Are you going to get a divorce?"
"What?"
"I know you've been living with Uncle Emmett," He sighed. "I went and spent the day with him a week ago and I saw your stuff in the guest room. Are you and Mom getting divorced?"
"No,"
"Then why are you living with Uncle Emmett?"
"I'll be home soon, son," I lied, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let him start thinking about his parent's marriage that was in serious trouble.
The rest of the month passed by quite pleasant. Since Edward was home for an entire month from NYU, I stayed at the house until the middle of January. Everything was still so fragile, but Edward being around was a good distraction. Emmett was still badgering me to tell him what happened, but I just couldn't. Even thinking about what I had done made me sick so saying it was just out of the question.
So, Esme and I continued couples therapy and we had actually started to make a little bit of progress.
But, February 7th, 2016, my worst nightmare came true. I was doing paperwork in my office when my pager went off ten times in a row. Each page read 911 and I knew it must have been bad if I had four nurses, two residents, and four attendings paging me at the same time. I threw my coat on and ran down to the ER.
"Carlisle," Peter, one of my favorite residents said as I approached the trauma room. He looked extremely pale, almost like he was going to be sick. He was a third-year resident, trauma shouldn't be bothering him like this.
"Peter, move please so I can get in the room." I tried pushing past him, but he kept getting in my way.
"I was told to keep you outside the room." He said, and when I looked down, his hands shaking. His gloves were covered in blood and when I looked in through the window, it was like a horror scene. My head of trauma, neuro attending, along with my cardio attending were working on what looked like a young man in his early twenties.
"Shit," I whispered. "Dr. Carter, as your boss, I am telling you to get the hell out of my way so I can tend to the patient who looks to be in very critical condition." I barked.
"You're not allowed to work on him!" He screamed as I heard the heart monitor change, I looked inside and was dreading the call to this poor man's family. He didn't look like he was going to make it.
"V-fib!" I heard the head of trauma yell. "Paddles!" He screamed and I tried to get past Peter again, but he wouldn't let me around him. I looked in the window and watched as they quickly worked to save the young man's life. As one of the nurses turned to hand Dr. Anderson the paddles, I could see the boys familiar scar on his side. It was shaped like the side of California. That was a scar my son had gotten when he lost his footing and fell down a hill while we were hiking when he was sixteen. A rock had sliced his side open and I had never seen such a unique scar before. It was a scar I'd never forget.
It was a scar I'd never forget.
My heart rate picked up as I shoved Peter to the side and ran into the trauma room.
"What the hell happened?" I squeaked and everyone's head turned to me.
"Get Dr. Cullen out of here!" Garrett yelled as he shocked my son's, heart.
My beautiful baby boy was laying bloody on the gurney as my staff tried saving his life. His entire body was covered in dark blood and he was still in V-fib. He was clinging to life right now and they were trying to tell me to get out of the room?
"Charge the paddles again!" I screeched, taking the paddles from Garrett and shoved him out of the way. I placed them on my son's chest and called clear. I shocked his heart. His heart came back for a few seconds, and then he went into V-fib again. "Charge!"
"Carlisle, give me the paddles back and let me do my job," Garrett said after I'd shocked him again. "You can't do this. You're too emotional to do what I am very capable of doing. He's in good hands. Let me do my job." I looked at him as tears started streaming down my cheeks.
"I want fucking updates," I growled, handing him back the paddles. "And no fucking residents or interns. I only want attendings working on my boy." My son needed the best of the best and there was no way in hell I was letting someone who barely knew how to draw blood work on him.
"Yes, sir." The head of neuro nodded, pushing the interns out the door. When I got back outside, one of my favorite nurses guided me to the waiting room as she'd been instructed to do and said that Esme and Jasper were on their way. I waited impatiently in the room until I heard my wife yelling from around the corner. I ran over to her and when she saw me, her eyes bugged out of her head.
"Is that his blood?" She cried as I wrapped my arms around her. I was so preoccupied, I didn't even realize that I was covered in my son's blood. There was so much blood. "What the hell happened?"
"I don't know." I shook my head. "I just got 911 pages and then they wouldn't tell me anything."
"Who's taking care of him?" She sobbed. "Is my baby alone? He must be so scared."
"Garrett is with him," I assured her. "And so is Felix and Jane."
"I need to see him." She cried, trying to push past me, but I stood in front of her. I was barely able to keep it together once I saw him, she couldn't see him like this. It was traumatizing. "Move, Carlisle. I need to be with my baby. I need to be with him."
"Esme, there isn't anything you can do," I whispered, knowing that it was true. "We need to let the doctor's do their job."
"I need to be with him, Carlisle," She repeated as I wrapped my arms around her. But she couldn't do anything.
Even a mother's love wasn't enough right now.
Jasper arrived a few seconds later with Alice in tow and demanded answers. When I told them I didn't have any, he pushed past me and went down to the hall where he was. He opened the door to the room where they were working on Edward, but I quickly pulled him out of there. He didn't need to see his baby brother like that.
We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity before Garrett finally came out.
He was also covered in my baby boy's blood.
"We..." He trailed off. I already knew what he was going to say, but he needed to tell us so it would be real. "We did...everything we could. I'm so sorry." He cried.
"What the fuck even happened, Garret?" I asked.
"Car accident." He said, looking at the ground. "Apparently Edward and his friend Tyler decided to take a joy ride after they'd been drinking." He explained. "Tyler was killed on impact. Carlisle, he wrapped his car around a pole."
"Who was driving?" I asked.
"Tyler was," He nodded. "The police are on their way to speak with you."
"My baby." Esme cried as she fell to the ground after she'd let things sink in a little bit. "Nooooooo!" She sobbed and I felt my whole world crumbling down. I knelt down and held her and for the first time in months, she let me hold her. Jasper disappeared somewhere and Alice had followed him. The two of us stayed sitting there for twenty minutes before Garrett came back, asking if we wanted to see Edward.
Everything that happened leading up to the funeral was a complete blur. I wasn't even sure how the funeral got planned because Esme and I were paralyzed and stayed in bed for the most part. It was as we were getting ready for the funeral that Jasper told us Alice and Emmett along with Rosalie did most of the planning.
I was extremely grateful for them and their willingness to do that for us.
It was a beautiful funeral service. All of Edward's friends from high school and college were in attendance, along with his current professors and old teachers. There were tons of flowers and everyone had kind words to say about my youngest son. I watched Bella, Edward's girlfriend of three years, standing over his casket and sobbing softly.
He had been planning to propose at the end of the school year.
After the funeral, Esme and I decided to move. We moved out of the bustling city to a small town up north. We slept in separate bedrooms, but she was letting me stay in the house. That was a big step for her. Even though things were still so fragile between each other, we needed each other.
It was much quieter outside of the city. I had almost forgotten what it was life outside of New York City we had been living there for so long. When I woke up, I could hear the birds chirping and there were no cars constantly driving past our house. On nights where I couldn't breathe anymore because the pain was just too bad, I went and walked up and down the street. Most nights at some point during my walk, I would burst into tears, remembering this was something I used to do with my boys when they were little.
We'd walk up and down the street while Esme cleaned because she told us she couldn't get anything done with us in the house.
Esme spent her days either laying in bed or planting her new garden. Gardening was something she'd always wanted to do, but because we lived in the city it wasn't really possible. Gardening seemed to be the only thing that brought her even the tiniest bit of joy.
She was completely destroyed, and so was I. But I was also really confused and kind of angry with him. I had always told them to call a cab if they were too drunk to drive, or even call me. Edward knew I'd be there in a heartbeat if he needed me and I could have saved him. If he would have called, I could have saved him.
One day when I came home from work, I found Esme sitting on the bench I built her for the garden. She was holding a single rose in her hand as she wept. I set my things down on the counter and walked over to her and sat down next to her. She continued to cry as I pulled her close to me and finally, after months, she let me hold her again. She cried on my shoulder and eventually dropped the rose to the dirt floor.
"I'm so sorry, Esme." I choked. "I never..."
"You said that already in therapy." She cried as she pushed me away. "You had sex with another woman. You broke us, Carlisle. I don't...I don't think we'll ever get back to the way we were."
"I don't deserve your forgiveness," I whispered. "Esme...if I could have saved him...Esme, I would trade my life with his in a second. If I could save him by dying...I would do it in a heartbeat." I told her, standing up. "I know we'll never be able to replace him, but I know you. I know you need time but...I know the woman I married, and I am still so in love with you."
"How can you be in love with me while you were having sex with her?"
"I'm flawed, Esme," I whispered. "I made a terrible...terrible decision and I know that I don't deserve you. But...please," I took a breath. "Please, don't give up on us."
"I'll never be able to trust you again."
"I know."
"We can't have a real marriage if I can't trust you, Carlisle." She told me, and her eyes filled with tears again as she stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. "I miss him so much, Carlisle," She changed the conversation.
"I do too." I nodded.
"I can't...I can't breathe." She cried as I stood up and went to stand next to her. I wanted to hold her again, but I didn't want to risk anything. "Everywhere I go... I see him. Carlisle, every time I look at Jasper I remember the son I lost and then I'm mad at Jasper for being alive," She told me. "What kind of mother gets mad at her son for being alive?"
"A grieving mother," I whispered. "It doesn't mean you want Jasper to die or that you don't love him anymore. It just means..." I trailed off. "We lost our boy. Our youngest. It's natural to miss him when you look at our other son."
"Edward wouldn't want us getting a divorce." She sobbed. "It would have destroyed him."
"It'll destroy Jasper," I told her. Edward would have been devastated if we ended up getting a divorce. But...he wasn't here anymore but Jasper was and we needed to focus on him as well. "Esme, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I'll never forgive myself and I'll spend the rest of our days trying to make it up to you." I whispered. "Please...please don't give up on us," I begged again.
"I've missed you." She sobbed as she hugged me and buried her face into my chest as I kissed the top of her head. "I missed you so much."
"I'm so sorry." I choked, unable to hold back my own tears anymore. "I'm so sorry," I repeated. I apologized for the pain I'd caused her by sleeping with Heidi. I apologized for not being able to save our son. I apologized for the unbearable pain she was going through.
Life went on. Our marriage still needed a lot of help, but we weren't going to let what happen completely ruin our family. We needed each other now more than ever and we were working things. It wasn't easy, but it felt wonderful to actually be speaking to each other again.
Alice and Jasper decided to have a private ceremony with just Esme and I, along with her parents in attendance. Jasper said he still wanted to be Alice's husband, but he couldn't do it without his little brother. He said he couldn't bare the thought of asking someone else to be his best man, and she didn't want him to have to. We set up a small alter in our garden and I watched as my oldest son married the love of his life.
I thanked God that I still had Jasper. I had worked in a hospital long enough to know that not every parent gets a second chance with one of their children. Some parents lose both of their kids in accidents like this and I was just so thankful we didn't have to know what it would be like to lose them both.
Esme and I were doing well in couples therapy. But, no matter how mud therapy we got, we'd never be able to heal. Even though our marriage could still be saved, part of us died the second Edward got in that car. We didn't give up on each other, knowing Edward wouldn't want us to give up. We continued to go to therapy and tried to get back to normal.
But, things would never be normal again.
We had to live with this unimaginable pain for the rest of our lives.
Author's Note: Yes, this is the same story but I just felt like I needed to add more detail and fix all the grammar issues. I wrote this really quickly the first time and wanted to put more time into it. I hope you liked this short little story. I was inspired by the lyrics to the song 'It's Quiet Uptown' from the musical of Hamilton. I have just been listening to it for days and really tried to imagine what it'd be like to lose a child. I hope you enjoyed this very sad, little story.