This is the first thing I've written in what feels like forever, it's just a practice piece really for a JP/C story I'm working on but I figured I'd post it anyway! Set the day after the episode in which Craig proposes to Sarah. Oneshot.

He experienced a strange sense of calm as he approached Craig's front door; no nerves or second thoughts and even the butterflies of excitement and anticipation he usually felt were oddly still. Such musings were still dominating his thoughts when the door swung open and a slender form appeared. Craig's face was a sea of conflicting emotions as he greeted his visitor and John Paul felt the need to try and decipher them before he spoke. He saw surprise, there was no doubt of that…and yet there was definite resignation too, as though he had known all along that he'd open the door to this boy at some point in the day. There was happiness…at least a small part of Craig was glad of his visitor, but there was something else something too. Something that at first John Paul couldn't quite put his finger on. Apprehension? No, too mild. And yet dread was too much. Perhaps simple fear just about covered it.

John Paul wondered briefly if this was what the older boy went through every time he visited, and smiled in spite of himself. Jesus, he thought, how exhausting.

The boys finally greeted each other with muttered 'Hello's and half -smiles that didn't quite reach their eyes as John Paul walked into Craig's home with renewed determination. 'Anyone else here?' he enquired lightly.

'Err no…they're all…I mean…yeah we're alone' Craig stumbled over his words, but his eyes took on a shade of tentative hope as he continued 'Did you want to…I mean…' he gestured quickly towards his bedroom.

John Paul let out a snort of laughter 'Yeah absolutely' he deadpanned 'Be a nice way to celebrate wouldn't it?...What with your engagement and all.' He shot a pointed look at Craig who slumped slightly against the wall and a heavy silence descended.

'About that…' Craig began, his quavering voice already betraying his barely contained emotion 'I'm so sorry John Paul, I just…'

'Don't be.' He cut in 'Sorry that is.' At Craig's mask of confusion he fell back onto the sofa and continued 'You just got engaged to your beautiful Girlfriend. You love her. She loves you. What's there to be sorry for?'

Craig sighed and shook his head 'Don't be like that John Paul'

'Like what?' He snapped, 'Those are the facts Craig. As far as every one knows…as far as they're ever going to know.' John Paul glanced quickly upwards, hoping, but never really believing that Craig would cut in and insist that he would go right this second and announce his feelings to the world. Predictably, he didn't.

Instead, but equally predictably, he got angry. It seemed to be his 'go-to' emotion these days. His family, Sarah, Spike and inevitably John Paul had all borne the brunt of it.

'Listen' he growled, banging his fist on the kitchen counter with frustration 'the only reason I asked Sarah to…'

'You know, it's not even really about that.' John Paul interrupted with quiet detachment, his eyes fixed to the floor.

'Well what the hell are you saying all this for then?!' Craig demanded. He paced impatiently across his living room, sighing intermittently if only to fill the quiet that now hung heavily in the air. He made as if to speak several times but each one came out as nothing more than a look. He shot looks of pleading, of exasperation, of irritation, even desperation, but none elicited a response and eventually he fell back defeated into a chair.

'Yesterday…' the younger boy began finally in little more than a whisper 'we were out by the water and you were upset, wound up, about Spike and I tried…I tried to touch you…just on the arm, because I wanted to comfort you… you know, just let you know I was there…and that I really wanted to take your pain away… ' his voice broke off and he suddenly became aware of a single tear rolling down his face. He fisted it away roughly and his voice became harsh 'You flinched Craig…pulled away…like I was dirty' he spat.

'You were ashamed. Disgusted even. And I realised then that I couldn't hack it…I won't be your dirty little secret…I just can't do it anymore…I can't …I need more' his voice tailed off and his head fell silently into his hands.

'John Paul...' Craig approached him tentatively; reaching out to lace their hands together 'Don't do this. I lo..'

'Don't you dare tell me you love me Craig' John Paul leapt from his seat in anger and swatted away the approaching hands. 'You don't have the first idea what love is' his eyes were cold and his voice dropped low as he walked over to Craig's cowering figure 'Easy to say though isn't it?' he whispered 'Just three little words…and when we're together, alone and you just want to reach out and touch me…' John Paul reached out and stroked his lover tenderly on the cheek as he drew his face closer and he dropped his voice to a murmur '…you want to keep me here, hold me, kiss me…when you know that I can make you feel like Sarah never could...'

'John Paul…please' Craig's voice cracked as he shuddered at the blonde boy's touch.

'Yeah' he finished quietly 'it's easy to say it then, when you know nobody will find out. But you know what?' John Paul fixed his eyes squarely on Craig's and grabbed him roughly by both shoulders 'It doesn't mean anything'.

At the last word he released Craig from his grip, pushing him back slightly and walking away. He couldn't bear to look at him. John Pauls's heart shattered from finally voicing what he'd always known but was too terrified to say aloud.

'It's not real Craig. It never will be. Not whilst we hide from the world.' He exhaled heavily and leant on the counter for support, trying to catch his breath, to give himself the strength to walk away. To stay away. But Craig wasn't going to make it that easy for him, he padded up behind John Paul and drew him gently round so they stood face to face.

'I can't lose you John Paul' Craig voice was firm but laced with desperation and he placed his hands gently on John Paul's hips.

John Paul nodded almost imperceptibly 'Yes you can.'

'It's over Craig. This…whatever this is…I don't know what the correct term is really… affair? No...' he shook his head and rung his hands; his tone conversational but his eyes distant, fixed on a point in the wall above Craig's head, on the doorway, on the sofa. Roaming around the room, resting anywhere except on the broken, tear stricken face in front of him 'No that sounds too sordid and it wasn't sordid…I can't say relationship either. It was never that was it?' the question was rhetorical and received no response as John Paul rambled on, hoping the even sounds of his own voice would calm the raging in his heart and steel his resolve 'Fling?...no sounds like something quick, fleeting…something painless' he muttered 'Us.' He concluded finally 'Whatever that means, whatever that entails. Us Craig. We're over. We have to be'

'But I do love you' Craig insisted 'Doesn't that count for anything?'

'Craig if you loved me, even a tiny bit…' John Paul began in frustration 'you would never have expected me to sit around for months watching you and Sarah kiss and be together and hold hands and do a million other things that crushed my heart time and time and time again until…until all that was left of me was an empty, broken shell and a mass of shards where my heart used to be.' He was shouting now but he didn't care, it would all be over soon and he needed to make him see.

'I don't know who I am anymore Craig' he persisted; quietly, urgently 'I've given you so much that I don't even recognise myself anymore, and what have I got to show for it eh?'

'You've got me.'

John Paul gave a short laugh 'Who are you kidding? I've never had you, not really. And in a month's time you'd be leaving anyway, this was never going to last.' He spoke gently but his eyes told of a firm resolve.

Tears ran freely down Craig's cheeks; all ability to form words seemed to have deserted him and he could do nothing but fix a look of desperation on the boy before him.

'I'm worth more than this' John Paul thrust his hands deep into his pockets and began to make his way towards the door 'I deserve better' he muttered.

'But you've said all this before John Paul!' Craig yelled 'You know you can't walk away from this, you've said it yourself you're trapped! And next time I come knocking on your door…'

John Paul's hand was resting on the door handle but he turned back for a final time 'You can't change my mind Craig.' A single tear slipped from his eye but his voice was calm 'It's too late. This isn't real…it never was.'

With that he bowed his head and pulled the door shut silently behind him, muffling the anguished cries that he knew would haunt his sleep in the days to come.

He wanted to turn back, burst through the door, pull his lover into the embrace that would both kill and sustain him simultaneously. But he forced his legs to keep walking; along the corridor, down the stairs, through the bar. His body shook less with every step and his breathing slowly regulated. Suddenly all his mind could focus on was his lungs as they breathed in and out; inhale...exhale…inhale. Something about the simplicity of the process that was keeping him alive made him feel human, as though he was finally in control and life was his own again.

It was over.

I was really angry with Craig when I wrote this but by the time I finished I couldn't resist writing a tiny snatch of a happy ending that could be tagged on the end, I think it might work better asi it is but I can post if anyone's interested!

Please Review :)