CONTRITION
"Why is it that we always have to feel sorry for what we say after we say it," Olivia Benson contemplated as she sat at the desk in her office. "I really should NOT have phrased it the way I did. It might have come across as self-righteous." She shook her head and sighed and put her face into her hands. She relived that moment and the words echoed in her own head in deafening decibels. He came by the office and asked her whether she wanted to go out for a drink, but also to check up on her attitude since their last conversation. She declined…yet again…and said that she just wanted to go straight home.
Barba walked toward and had asked her "Yea, okay; You're upset with me."
Olivia, keeping her head down and not looking at him with a degree of trepidation that she might be cajoled into saying yes from the lure of those big green sad eyes boring into her soul.
"No….No…I'm not," shaking her head and smiling.
"Disenchanted?" Barba inquired, still trying to surmise what Liv's feelings about their earlier conversation. Barba had this sweet way of tipping his head, half in a way of being conciliatory, the other remaining half, just out and out sexy.
Liv stood and thought pensively for a few moments, trying to find the right words to put to her sentiments. She then smiled and responded "We all have to answer to our own God," nodding her head affirmatively, and pressing her lips closed.
In his usual adroit manner of being able to answer to something in a heartbeat, Barba replied "Thank God mine is a bit more forgiving than yours." At that juncture, Dodds walked in telling them about the bombing at the restaurant and the five fatalities. If anything, news of that kind, brought a sudden and traumatic end to their conversation.
Life….Life is so fragile…precious…and you have to take in every moment that you can that is happy and joyful, and spend it with the people you love. You never know when, in one moment…one heartbeat, it can be taken away from you, just like that. So many years on the job, my God…she saw this every day. She experienced partners and subordinates risking their lives every day, some losing their lives in the line of duty. She herself faced sheer terror with situations with William Lewis, and the hostage situation with the family at the brownstone.
The one incredible joyous thing that changed her life and priorities was to be able to open the door of Noah's bedroom when she arrived home at night, and he would let out a soft little "Good Night Mommy." She would bend down, give him a kiss, stroke his hair, and rub his back until he drifted back to sleep. Just those moments right there, knowing that someone needed her….that meant everything to her and changed her world and her outlook on life, that the people in your life matter and everyone enters your life for a reason.
"So God, tell me, has Rafael Barba come into my life for a reason that you are not making me aware of? We can sit down, have dinner, we talk about cases until the cows come home. I listen to his problems, he listens to mine. We share the good, the bad, and the ugly about our lives." On the way home, she recalls all of these moments that she and Rafael Barba have shared. If they can talk so openly about the everyday trials and tribulations that effect their capacities, why can't they just….loosen up…and let themselves go there….to get - personal. She had no problem doing that with others. She's crossed that fragile threshold before by becoming emotionally and intimately involved with Haden - Cassidy - Tucker. She's been with all of those people, why can't she open her mind to the prospect of it being Barba?
Liv wondered how many serious relationships he's been in. She was aware of Yelina, he even had told her about that, so there were no secrets there. But were there others, and if so how many? Was there a crazy notion that after Yelina, there might have been no one else – special – until now. And was it…or could it…be her? Is it even a possibility? What has Liv concerned now is that she has turned him down a few times now. A guy can only take so much rejection before he goes off in a new direction, to find someone who will accept his offers. She has to find a way to get back on track; She has to find a way to be less reticent and put offish when he makes his overtures. Now, truly upset with herself "Well, Liv, now you have to fight your way back; Show your tender, warm, loving side that demonstrate with victims, and not Lieutenant Benson with all of the answers, with all of the arguments, bring down the gusto a few degrees that you fight with every day. Loosen up that heart of yours Olivia Margaret Benson, just for once, and you can get this right.
In a corner table for two at Coppelia's on West 14th Street, a man and a woman who have no one else in their lives at this moment - no one but each other - are bantering about what looks good on the menu, playfully arguing whether they should get the same thing, or order differently and share with each other. A wine steward is bringing a bottle of chardonnay to the table. Barba and Haley - that is rather, Rafael and Katrina – a guy and a gal on a typical Friday night, are playing a game of twenty questions about themselves, cajoling each other to answer truthfully, but most importantly, getting to know each other a little bit better.