Tortallan Weakest Link
By equinoX
Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters or anything from NBC's gameshow the Weakest Link. I am not Tamora Pierce or Anne. This has swearing and sexual humour so don't say I didn't warn you.
Author's Note: Flame me all you want, I don't care. If it makes you feel better, this is my first humour fic and I won't be posting more, unless this gets good reviews. You'll probably all hate me for what I'm gonna do to Daine and Alanna but you'll just have to read on to find out what.
~~equinoX~~
Anne: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, knights, squires, pages, commoners and royalty. You're watching Tortallan Broadcasting Corporation's hit game show The Weakest Link! I am Anne Robinson, your favourite and bitchiest old English asshole in the world! Aren't I modest?
Anyway. Here are the rules. There are 8 contestants trying to win 1 million golden nobles. But there's a catch. Only 1 will win. The other 7 will walk away with nothing - or get stabbed through the heart. Mwahahahaha! I love my job! Professonial bitch. And when you all lose, I can laugh in your slimy, little pathetic faces! Ahahaha! As I was saying, at the end of the each round, vote off who you think is the weakest link! Or whoever your ex-boyfriend slept with and you want revenge on. After each question answered correctly, your money increases The fastest way to win is to form a chain of 8 correct answers. But if you answer one wrong, the balance drops to zero and the chain is broken. And I can call you a whole lot of dirty names you'll swear you never thought could come out of the dirtiest Carthaki Renegade's mouth! Ohya, yell Bank and the money goes in your dirty sock under the bed, which means you can keep it. What the hell. There are more rules, but I forget 'em and if you don't know what they are, then you SUCK because it's time you came out of your little cave and worshipped me like the rest of my Tortallan minions - er, fans. Let's start by introducing our contestants.
Alanna: Yo! I'm the Lioness, and I smoke grass! So if you challenge me, I'll keep your slimy Scanran ass! Oh ya, I'm the first lady knight errant in all of Tortall. Hint, hint. This is a Kodak moment here. *cameras are heard going off* Also. I happen to have a new found passion for skateboarding.
George: Hi! I'm Baron George of Pirate's Swoop. Formerly, King of the Rogues of Corus! You've already met my lovely wife Alanna. We have 3, is that right hon? or is it 5 kids... Oh screw it. I can't remember all the little Mithros cursed bastard's names at the moment. In case you were wondering, I'm a sex slave for my wife. *starts humping the table like Britney Spears*
Ozorne: I am a Stormwing who temporarily returned from the dead to be on this show. I hate everything and everyone. Don't mess with me. Oh yes, I almost forget two eensie-weensie little tiny things you should know about me. 1) I hate Daine. She is an ugly little whore. Screw you sweetheart! and 2) I used to be Emperor Mage of Carthak before a messy little incident happened... But that's another story. Watch it this month on TMN.
Numair: Shut up, you one balled bastard. Yes, I know about how Daine never misses a shot when she wants to hit it badly. Anyway. I am Numair Salmalin. THE Best mage of all time. Daine's my sweetie. I love you sweetheart. More than any of my other "conquests".
Daine: Wazzzzaaapp! Hey, that hot dude I just gave a blowjob to was right! Those pills he called "LSD" are AmaZing!
Numair: What! Are you telling me you give blowjobs to guys you just meet on the streets of Corus!
Daine: Yeah. And I give lapdances and kinky sex. Grrrowhra! Come get me little sunbursts of supacharged chili peppa, uh huh. Oops. Did I just say that. Numy! I didn't mean it! These pills are influencing my mind. He did it! *points at Ozorne* He must be controlling my thoughts. I love you sweetie, and I would never try and hurt you in any way. *turns away and makes a disgusted face* By the way, I'm Veralidaine Sarrasri, Wild Mage. And when I say Wild, I mean Wild!
Numair: *sobbing* I thought we had something going on sweetie. How could you do this to me! And on TV!
Daine: It was an accident, gawdess! Did I say that?
Numair: You bitchy whore! I hate you! *runs off the stage yelling for Varice*
Anne: Well, well, well. I should have my own daytime talk show. I can really nose out a scandal. Anyway. Those are our contestants. And now there's only 7. I know! I know! That was only 5. Well go to hell everyone else, because I hate you!
Keladry: Excuse me lady. But I wouldn't insult the SECOND Lady Knight in all of Tortall. I am just as important as them! Girls are equal. Yadda Yadda Yadda!
Anne: Screw You.
*Keladry jumps onto the podium and uses her hidden glaive and Yamani training to hack Anne to pieces*
Keladry: Haahaahaa! That'll teach you to respect women's rights. You should anyway. You are one!
*Anne's lifeless body is surrounded by a cloud of Red magic. When the fog clears she's good as new and alive again*
Anne: Mwahaahaa! That's what you think dearie! You didn't expect the show not to have charms around me? That's how we stop crazed losers like yourself from attacking royalty like me.
Jon: You aren't royalty! I am! Jonathan of Conte, King of Tortall at your service. And if you don't let me win, I'll have you hanged for treason. *cracks up* Not really. But let me win anyway or I'll sic the palace guard on you.
*Kel is frozen in shock, but she finally is carried back to her seat by the show's security guards. If she were Jump her tail would be between her legs*
Thayet: Jonnie dear... Be nice to all our loyal subjects. Aren't they all so cute? Coochie-coo Tortallans. I'm Thayet, Queen of Tortall. Unlike you, sweetheart *glowers at Anne* I am a ROYAL Bitch! Don't cross me or else. *she growls menacingly*
Anne: Okay, okay. So we've introduced all of you stupid annoying fans to our stupid annoying contestants. More insults to come! After this commercial break!
By equinoX
Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters or anything from NBC's gameshow the Weakest Link. I am not Tamora Pierce or Anne. This has swearing and sexual humour so don't say I didn't warn you.
Author's Note: Flame me all you want, I don't care. If it makes you feel better, this is my first humour fic and I won't be posting more, unless this gets good reviews. You'll probably all hate me for what I'm gonna do to Daine and Alanna but you'll just have to read on to find out what.
~~equinoX~~
Anne: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, knights, squires, pages, commoners and royalty. You're watching Tortallan Broadcasting Corporation's hit game show The Weakest Link! I am Anne Robinson, your favourite and bitchiest old English asshole in the world! Aren't I modest?
Anyway. Here are the rules. There are 8 contestants trying to win 1 million golden nobles. But there's a catch. Only 1 will win. The other 7 will walk away with nothing - or get stabbed through the heart. Mwahahahaha! I love my job! Professonial bitch. And when you all lose, I can laugh in your slimy, little pathetic faces! Ahahaha! As I was saying, at the end of the each round, vote off who you think is the weakest link! Or whoever your ex-boyfriend slept with and you want revenge on. After each question answered correctly, your money increases The fastest way to win is to form a chain of 8 correct answers. But if you answer one wrong, the balance drops to zero and the chain is broken. And I can call you a whole lot of dirty names you'll swear you never thought could come out of the dirtiest Carthaki Renegade's mouth! Ohya, yell Bank and the money goes in your dirty sock under the bed, which means you can keep it. What the hell. There are more rules, but I forget 'em and if you don't know what they are, then you SUCK because it's time you came out of your little cave and worshipped me like the rest of my Tortallan minions - er, fans. Let's start by introducing our contestants.
Alanna: Yo! I'm the Lioness, and I smoke grass! So if you challenge me, I'll keep your slimy Scanran ass! Oh ya, I'm the first lady knight errant in all of Tortall. Hint, hint. This is a Kodak moment here. *cameras are heard going off* Also. I happen to have a new found passion for skateboarding.
George: Hi! I'm Baron George of Pirate's Swoop. Formerly, King of the Rogues of Corus! You've already met my lovely wife Alanna. We have 3, is that right hon? or is it 5 kids... Oh screw it. I can't remember all the little Mithros cursed bastard's names at the moment. In case you were wondering, I'm a sex slave for my wife. *starts humping the table like Britney Spears*
Ozorne: I am a Stormwing who temporarily returned from the dead to be on this show. I hate everything and everyone. Don't mess with me. Oh yes, I almost forget two eensie-weensie little tiny things you should know about me. 1) I hate Daine. She is an ugly little whore. Screw you sweetheart! and 2) I used to be Emperor Mage of Carthak before a messy little incident happened... But that's another story. Watch it this month on TMN.
Numair: Shut up, you one balled bastard. Yes, I know about how Daine never misses a shot when she wants to hit it badly. Anyway. I am Numair Salmalin. THE Best mage of all time. Daine's my sweetie. I love you sweetheart. More than any of my other "conquests".
Daine: Wazzzzaaapp! Hey, that hot dude I just gave a blowjob to was right! Those pills he called "LSD" are AmaZing!
Numair: What! Are you telling me you give blowjobs to guys you just meet on the streets of Corus!
Daine: Yeah. And I give lapdances and kinky sex. Grrrowhra! Come get me little sunbursts of supacharged chili peppa, uh huh. Oops. Did I just say that. Numy! I didn't mean it! These pills are influencing my mind. He did it! *points at Ozorne* He must be controlling my thoughts. I love you sweetie, and I would never try and hurt you in any way. *turns away and makes a disgusted face* By the way, I'm Veralidaine Sarrasri, Wild Mage. And when I say Wild, I mean Wild!
Numair: *sobbing* I thought we had something going on sweetie. How could you do this to me! And on TV!
Daine: It was an accident, gawdess! Did I say that?
Numair: You bitchy whore! I hate you! *runs off the stage yelling for Varice*
Anne: Well, well, well. I should have my own daytime talk show. I can really nose out a scandal. Anyway. Those are our contestants. And now there's only 7. I know! I know! That was only 5. Well go to hell everyone else, because I hate you!
Keladry: Excuse me lady. But I wouldn't insult the SECOND Lady Knight in all of Tortall. I am just as important as them! Girls are equal. Yadda Yadda Yadda!
Anne: Screw You.
*Keladry jumps onto the podium and uses her hidden glaive and Yamani training to hack Anne to pieces*
Keladry: Haahaahaa! That'll teach you to respect women's rights. You should anyway. You are one!
*Anne's lifeless body is surrounded by a cloud of Red magic. When the fog clears she's good as new and alive again*
Anne: Mwahaahaa! That's what you think dearie! You didn't expect the show not to have charms around me? That's how we stop crazed losers like yourself from attacking royalty like me.
Jon: You aren't royalty! I am! Jonathan of Conte, King of Tortall at your service. And if you don't let me win, I'll have you hanged for treason. *cracks up* Not really. But let me win anyway or I'll sic the palace guard on you.
*Kel is frozen in shock, but she finally is carried back to her seat by the show's security guards. If she were Jump her tail would be between her legs*
Thayet: Jonnie dear... Be nice to all our loyal subjects. Aren't they all so cute? Coochie-coo Tortallans. I'm Thayet, Queen of Tortall. Unlike you, sweetheart *glowers at Anne* I am a ROYAL Bitch! Don't cross me or else. *she growls menacingly*
Anne: Okay, okay. So we've introduced all of you stupid annoying fans to our stupid annoying contestants. More insults to come! After this commercial break!