fandom: sukisyo
title: blood in its see-through form
pairing: sora + ran
description - Who is really making late night visits to who?
(note: some spoilers past ep 7 of the anime.)
Disclaimer - Sukisyo / Sukina mono wa Suki dakara shouganai isn't mine. It is just a title that I'm growing to care about…
'Déjà vu' is by Dave Rodgers (initial d).
/"Save the future into the present
See my past feels in the distance
Try to guess now what's going on…"/
blood in its see-through form.
By miyamoto yui
"If only you were Ran all the time."
Ran this, Ran that.
He's more elegant because he can bluntly announce things and be accountable for them without the consequences meaning anything since he only comes out when he wants to. He's more alluring with those crimson plates which have to rival that of Yoru's insidious, vulturous, yet genuine mismatched eyes.
Simply speaking, he's more compliant.
As opposed to the person sleeping in the same room as you, Sora, Ran is far more the 'better' half of this body's mind, isn't he?
I turn to watch your sleeping face as the darkness of the room enraptures us with its cold loneliness, embracing us wholly with its seemingly tender caresses.
Isn't that what you're trying to tell me, right, Sora?
Quietly, I slip out of bed. Crazily, I consciously decide to kneel by your bedside. I clutch onto the edges so that I won't have to reach out to you.
But holding back is just painful, you idiot.
If it were Ran, you would open your eyes, wouldn't you? You would try to understand why Ran has come rather than turn him away with your hesitancy. Your words would come out more cautiously than recklessly because Ran is as delicate and as wild as the window you threw yourself off from.
Within its many colors, it shattered under the weight of your body.
As we-
As Ran-
No, as I-
I sigh.
Yoru would talk to me like an intelligent human being. He would try to find out the logic of my plans or the workings of my mind. However, he's only interested as to how it relates to _Ran, not me_.
I just carry the body that his beloved belongs in.
In other words, I am the shell that encloses, moderates, and holds back the person he longs to be with. Yoru can come out whenever he wants as long as Sora slips from consciousness when he temporarily wins the war over Sora's body.
His will to burst through and help Ran is extraordinary!
For that and other reasons, I envy Ran.
I really do.
Sometimes, I almost want to kill him because he grows inside of me with more people caring about how _he's_ doing than over my well-being.
And I can't kill myself.
This is me.
_I am the one that is here._
The iciness of the air slowly presses its fingers into my body, raping me of my own warmth against my wants, my will, my needs.
I close my eyes and bend my head forward as I try to keep back the tears that are pushing through the barriers of my mind, my heart, and my eyelids. My lip is quivering.
I wonder why I am always so weak. I wonder why I am always waiting with a hopeful heart that I will be found when I stand right in front of you, Sora.
When I open my eyes, your bed soaks up the water that falls out of my being in small, clear drops. It is blood in its complement, translucent color.
Blood in its see-through form.
It is then that the strong-willed, resilient Ran comes out. I watch him as he unhooks his tight fingers on your white, wrinkled sheets and covers your cheeks with fingertips as fiery as that of the color of his sharp and exquisite eyes. His body raises as his chin leans forward to pull you a bit forward and places his lips over yours.
I watch in horror at all the aftereffects of such an action.
I carefully eye all this in secret admiration of such a profound and complicated, yet naïve gesture.
Inside, I am dying little by little because I know why you said what you did.
I've always known why Ran is the one that everyone wants…
Why Yoru can put up with Sora's ignorance of his existence…
Why you do not hesitate to be worried when his troubled faces surfaces…
Why I've envied Ran even though we occupy the same body and are supposed to be one and the same…
But Ran came out of me in order to help me deal with life's harsh realities. And he's not taking over…
…shamefully, I let him come out.
Sometimes, I force him to.
When he pulls away from your face, you stir a bit, but you are still all over again. It is like it is _natural_ for you to feel like this. It is familiar and you do not feel threatened or have to put up all your defenses.
You actually like it.
He kisses you again with his tongue exploring your mouth.
Unconsciously, you respond.
It isn't Yoru. It's _you_, Sora.
You and you alone are reacting to Ran.
Halfway, when he's pulling his head away, it's me who's kissing you. My eyes open, alarmed with shock and self-pity.
You blink sleepily and then fall asleep all over again.
It doesn't matter what I do. You always leave me alone.
And I'm still waiting for you to find me inside of your heart, Sora.
When I take away my hands, you mumble, "Fujimori? Are you awake? What happened?"
"Nothing," I defensively mouth out before I could line the response with the sweetness I know I want to give. "I, uh, was going to ask you something, but then I forgot because I'm too sleepy."
Without opening your eyes, you perfectly grab a hold of my cheek and smile. You rub my tears away with your thumb.
I close my eyes to soak in your caring and loving touch.
I hate myself.
Sora, I hate myself for pinning all my paper-scrapped dreams on you.
"Sometimes…"
Your thumb gently rubs over my lips and I taste some of the salt.
"…I wish you would just honestly tell me what's on your mind."
Then, the hand falls and you're sleeping deeply all over again.
I get up and I walk towards the door. I close the door softly as I walk to the bathroom. My feet shuffle heavily.
As my heart hardens, not allowing any blood to come into its tightly constricted vessels, I whisper and admit in excruciating defeat,
"That's why you are so fond of Ran."
Is this what is called by 'no choice'? But aren't we given the right to choose to live by 'free will'?
So, why can't I be myself? When will I ever be complete again?
When will I not feel so dirty, abused, and used?
When will it ever stop crushing my dismantled body
or ever stop breaking my already smashed up heart
or ever stop the further dislocation of my fragmented mind?
But I used to be what Ran is now…
…Sunao just surfaced through in order to survive after you left me...
"…chan."
I can't even say the name I used to call you.
Whenever I do, I cry all over and over at the things I can't change.
And the things you don't want to remember.
If you don't remember,
I will really disappear.
That's why I hold onto Ran with all my might even though it hurts me to know you care about him more than me. But it is understandable.
That was the me of yesterday when we used to be together.
And this is the me that arose when you left.
I don't know who is who anymore and I can't ask you to save me. I'm too proud for that, and yet I still wish for you.
I go to the bathroom and I come back into the room.
Shakily, I push your bangs away and kiss your forehead like I used to.
Don't leave me alone again like you did.
But you are. First, it was your body when we were running away. And now, it is your mind that willingly rejects me.
Tears come back and I wipe them with the back of my hands, which are filled with irritation.
So before you leave me, I'm going to go away. I will make you dislike me so that I can tell myself I have a reason (if it can be called one without any logic behind it) to move on without you.
All in the name of 'experimentation, indifference, and denial'.
And it is in this moment that I know my eyes are turning to their true crimson, bloody color.
It isn't Ran watching you.
I say it's him whenever you look at him.
But I know better. I've known all along.
With the raindrops on my eyes, I am staring at you with all of my heart because I love you so much.
I want to become how I was then, but I know it's impossible now.
I want to be with you, but you are only conveniently choosing what you think you can handle.
I want to become a new person, but the person I've become is doing exactly the opposite of simple honesty or lies.
The raindrops fall onto your face.
I want to scream, but the quietness and tension fill up the space in between us.
In my head, I'm calling you by the intimate nickname I gave you so long ago.
I'm still calling and wishing for you to come back to me…
…because despite all this, I still believe in you.
I try to smile.
For now, I am comforted by this.
When I turn around, you grab my hand. Still sleeping, you hold onto it tightly and I break down all over again.
"You baka…"
I grin through my blurry tears.
I cover my mouth to laugh a little while holding onto all the aspirations I keep suppressed inside of me.
I'm now the one visiting you in the middle of the night. Isn't that funny?
Sorrowful yet so amusing at the same time…
It is because I know that if it's with you, I will be 'Ran'…
…even if I am unwanted yet determined,
dirty yet untainted,
weak yet groping for life…
…the person I am.
The person I should be.
The person that has always loved you.
I only come out because you exist here.
Only because you are here next to me…
…whether you notice me or not…
Owari.
-
Author's note: There is no logic to my insomnia. Things like this pop out of my head so suddenly, so I hope you enjoy the ride with me. ^_^
Love,
Yui
March 21, 2005, 5:13 AM