A/N: Wow, I've never written something so long before but I must say, it's one of my strongest pieces ever.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon or the lyrics later on in the story.
I never really like you, Trowa and I think you knew that right? You were always so quiet, too silent, too observant and too patient for my tastes. I think you understood my antipathy at your lack of sentiments since we were five years old. The kids gathered around me in our class because I was talkative, outgoing and as cheerful as the rays of the sun on a summer's evening. You on the other hand, stayed at the back of the class, silent and still like the moments at the end of a storm. You grew up with that behaviour and no matter how many times I asked you to join my group, you refused. I didn't care. Why should have I cared anyway?
You were good with your grades, the teachers loved you because you hardly uttered a word unless you were told to, your parents provided you with a rich and comfortable life and you were the top of the class in all fields of sport. I envied you, in fact I hated you because I wasn't the brightest kid in the classroom and my parents hated the fact that my grades got lower within every year and my demands raised higher. Tough still, my mother was best friends with your mom and do you know what she told her when we first went to your huge house? She told her that I should be more like you. This angered me to the point where I would wrap myself in my blankets in the stillness of the night( the part of the hours that reminded me of you.) and cry quietly, every tear representing my pain and anger of how my parents would switch me for you.
I don't think it bothered you. I could never read your thoughts because you masked them away. Sometimes I wondered if you were human, you never smiled or frowned or even laughed. The day you offered my parents that you would tutor me was possibly one of the worst days in my life. You called me stupid and mocked how I'll never get a place in College because I 'lacked a brain'. Did you not know how much that hurt me? Of course, why would you care? You were, oh so perfect with your excellent achievements, outstanding behaviour and compliant attitude so why should you care if a 'runt' like me has no intelligence but 'a motor-mouth that isn't articulate'?
As we grew older, I congregated a group of associates (I never like to call them friends. No one knew me well enough to have been called my friend. My only friends were the sailor scouts who understood me better than anyone else and accepted me for my faults.) and I planned to get revenge on you for being perfect. However my plans were thwarted because you, the perfect student, stopped attending school. Did you know how that was like a slap across my face? I plotted a bullying scheme so hard- Yes, me, I plotted it, the girl who had a squashed pumpkin for a brain- as you called me. Well this girl was capable of much more then you would ever dream of, which reminds me, did you ever dream? Or did your perfect parents lay out your path for you?
Your absences prolonged and by the time we were eleven, I was certain that you vanished off the face of the Earth. There were rumours going around. Some said you weren't as perfect as we thought but were secretly training to be a terrorist against the military bases that were occupied by Oz. Others said that you had childhood cancer and that was the reason you missed so many days from school. Why did I care about that? You ruined my intentions!
But at night, I realised that my body was overwhelmed by this emptiness, like the last page in a book that was torn out or like the story that didn't have an ending. I realised that I missed you. Your silence (Or more like your absence) created a void in my life, a sense of no fulfilment. I hated you so much that I missed you and not even my life as a sailor scout erased these thoughts from my head. In time, I learned to forget you, I wished you goodbye silently in my heart as I watched the stars fade away one by one. Sometimes I wondered if you were among the stars. I could have asked those entities myself but the only answer I would receive is silence, the same way you would answer back.
Life moves on Trowa and you always knew that I was one to run away from anything that reminded me of the past because when I saw you in that circus on my eighteenth birthday, I was frightened. Were you the Trowa, the perfect student, the child prodigy, that stood there amongst a group of gypsies that travelled on Earth to and fro? Were you the Trowa that ridiculed my failures and predicted that I would never get into college? Did you know how I felt that night? I was raging- pure rage, burning anger- anger equivalent to that of Mars because you know what? Unlike what you predicted, I did get into college. I may not have had the best of courses, since I was a part time model and studied Literature in university, but that was something wasn't it? At least I wasn't dressed as a sadistic clown, riding on a lion's back as if it was some kind of pretty pony and risked being stabbed by a woman who threw knives at you carelessly, right?
I plucked up the courage to approach you that night when the circus was over. You were wiping the make-up off your face when I entered your tent. At first, I noticed you looked at me surprised and asked me who I was.
"What's this? The perfect student lost his good memory? Maybe you have a squashed pumpkin for a brain," I scoffed. You merely stared at me for an era that would have slipped into eternity had my friend, Raye, not been looking for me.
"Go away, Mina," Was all you said. You turned the other way, washing your face and ignoring the fact that I was still there. I wanted to rush at you because I thought you would have changed because seven years of serving a circus would change anyone but no, you were still the silent one I knew back when we were five.
"I made it to college, you know?" I yelled, pain, anger and frustration took over me but I didn't know which emotion to express. I ignored Raye calling for me outside your tent. You just splashed another handful of water on your face, not looking at me or saying another word. Then you grabbed a towel from your closet and wiped the droplets off your face. I realised that your cheeks were gaunt; all the baby fat was completely gone, and your body was more toned then the scrawny kid I knew back then. You also towered over me- I barely reaching your shoulders at that moment and then...I felt small.
I felt like the little insecure kid again that was hated by her parents who wanted you instead of me. Seven years you had been missing but you grew tall and beautiful and here I was, small and stupid, like the past which I had tried so hard to escape. My emotions mingled together, forming too many flavours for a soup and I gave way. I knelt down and cried. You didn't care, like I expected you to. You just sorted out your clothes and brushed your hair, gazing in the mirror like a statue. Then you placed your comb on the counter and turned to me, arms crossed, emerald eyes looking anywhere but at me.
"Are you done?" you asked and I was sure that I would die from so much humiliation and pain.
"I hate you," I sobbed through gritted teeth.
"I know," you replied, pulling me up by the arm and throwing me out of the tent.
"Don't ever come back again."
I was heartbroken because I took heed of your advice and didn't come back. The sailor scouts noticed my odd behaviour no matter how many times I feigned a smile or laughter. Raye particularly was worried because I ate less and stopped socialising in nights clubs, which was one of my main hobbies. Serena thought that you were my boyfriend- oh the sheer horror, and that you dumped me. Lita was disgusted at how I would choose a circus clown over educated boys in college. Amy advised me that I should move on and forget you. How could they get the wrong idea? I never liked you, I despised you!
The rumours I had to bear with because of you. Raye told me this was my punishment for opting to be a popular girl in college because the whole campus seemingly knew that I talked to you. They would call me 'the clown's puppet' behind my back and I was so devastated. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl with dark shadows underneath her eyes and tired lines around her mouth. I dropped out of college because I couldn't face them. I was a coward, I know, but college reminded me of you and I just had to escape.
I made a living over the next couple of years in a bar and I signed a contract with a small company to provide back-up vocals for their leading band. In time I was recognised for my voice and another company asked me to work for them. For the first time in my life, I felt like a somebody. I felt talented and most importantly, I felt wanted for my talent and not my beauty. It was true that more men used me for my looks and dumped me straight after. Their behaviour made me wonder, what would have happened if we did end up dating? Did these thoughts ever cross your mind, Trowa? I think not...
Raye was a strong believer in fate. She believed that sometimes, destiny had everything planned out for us. I didn't believe her not until I saw a glimpse of you at my twenty-first party. There was confetti and colourful banners spread across the hotel banquet. Tables of every food imaginable lined around the many guests and then there were bullets, screams and blood. I wanted to transform into Sailor Venus but the enemies attacking were mobile suits and I didn't have a hideout. The sailor scouts were worried when Raye took a bullet to her chest and I thought that the ground was breaking apart from my feet. I held her in my arms, crying and begging her not to give up on life.
I would have died in the attack had that red Gundam suit not showed up. The metal plates on its chest opened like the wings on a bird and large bullets flew towards the assaulting mobile suits. I was still frightened as were the other sailor scouts who had transformed into their respective princesses. A door opened below the Gundam's chest and my eyes grew wider in surprise when I saw you run out to me.
"We have to take her to a hospital," you muttered, oblivious to the fact that you gave away your identity. You carried Raye and I followed you, struggling to keep up with your fast pace. I glanced back at the huge robot you were controlling as it vanished from sight.
"The rumours were true then? You're a terrorist?" I choked through tears. Why was I so hurt about this? Why did my heart ache as if poisonous tendrils were wrapped tightly around it? Was it because I knew that my image of a perfect you were false? Was it because you risked your life over a pointless war between Oz and the colonies? You never answered my question.
Raye breathed her last breath in your arms. She died before the doctors could have a chance to operate on her. I cried until tears were too tired to flow anymore. You watched me and a miracle happened. You stepped forward and embraced me, chin resting on my head, eyes focused in the distance. I think I embraced you back. The memory was too vague because there were a lot of things going through my head. My best friend died, my rival was a terrorist, Oz was an evil society, the colonies sucked and now I was in the arms of my rival.
I was exhausted that night and you carried me home, tucked me into bed. You even prepared a mug of hot chocolate for me, making sure that I would drink every last drop. My cheeks were dry from too much crying. My eyes were bloodshot and sore.
"I have to go," you said quietly and my heart skipped a beat. Before you could turn, I grabbed your wrist desperately.
"Don't go..." I whispered.
"I'm sorry," you replied without glancing at me and disappeared in the darkness.
Time moves on, even if we want to stay behind, wrapped around a capsule of the past. I lost Raye and I possibly lost you but now I was losing myself. I tried searching for you. I saw your Gundam on the news a few times, teamed with other four Gundams but I never saw you again, Trowa. Reluctantly, I followed time and managed to erase my thoughts of you because the possibilities of meeting you again were slim.
I got married with a famous film director at the age of twenty-three. It wasn't very successful because I was abused mentally and physically most of the time. We never had children and I fell into a state of depression. I wanted to end my life because there was nothing to live for. The sailor scouts had parted ways. After Raye's death, Serena didn't want to risk anyone else's life and suggested that we should all live in 'safe' places, away from anywhere Oz could target. What was so worse about my life was that I didn't have a shoulder to cry on or a hand to pick me back up if I tripped.
My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour two years after my marriage. It was doleful, no doubt but part of me was glad that I didn't have to endure his cruel behaviour and rape any longer. Our large house became empty aside from me and the servants and most days, I cried myself to sleep. The servants grew worried and called a doctor who diagnosed me with a severe case of depression. I was advised to take lithium.
I couldn't take life anymore and stood on the edge of a building one day. Closing my eyes, I spread my arms apart and jumped. I would have died but as if fate was mocking me, I ended up on a heap- it was you.
"What happened to you?" You asked; emerald eyes glazed with astonishment. I pleaded for you to kill me but you shook me and yelled at me to snap back into my senses. I think this was the first time I had seen you hurt and angry, the first time you actually used your facial muscles. My legs were still sore from the impact but I owed you my life.
"You're not supposed to be like this, Mina. You're supposed to be a happy person, living your dreams to the fullest. Didn't you know that I envied you for your optimism?" you whispered, eyes expressing so much emotion. I could have laughed if I wasn't in such a messed up state. You envied me? The great Trowa Barton envied me?
When I woke up the next day, I found you in my room, back in my large, empty house. You nursed me back to health over the next few weeks. We didn't speak much but through our eyes we said everything. You pulled me out from my vortex of gloom and vowed to be the hand to pick me back up. I recovered slowly but fully thanks to you and the hate I felt as a little kid subsided. It was replaced by this new feeling that made my heart beat at your every sight and my cheeks flush with a red glow. Was this love?
I threw away the book you were reading (which was about depression.) one day and leaned into your arms. Before I knew it, our lips were locked into a passionate kiss and through that, I saw many things. I saw a future, happiness, a family. I saw four kids, three boys and a girl who all resembled you. I saw us growing old together, hand in hand. I was your voice and you were my silence.
I broke away from our first kiss and your eyes were expressing a new emotion I hadn't seen before. It was desire. You placed your hand on the back of my head and the background grew smaller as you pulled me in for another kiss. Who would have guessed that my childhood rival, the kid I hated so much was now the man that I was deeply in love with?
You asked me to marry you that day. I said yes, tears were twinkling in my eyes.
We invited the sailor scouts and your friends that piloted other Gundam machines. It was a small wedding but I had never felt so joyous in a long time. When we exchanged vows, I felt like I was soaring. My soul was carried on a promising journey that would give me so much love and delight. We left an empty seat on the table in remembrance of Raye. Somehow, I felt like she was sitting there with us, sharing in our laughter, joy and fuming at Wufei's chauvinistic arguments with Hotaru. You grasped my hand when the others were busy eating and talking and gave me a small smile that meant the whole world to me.
"Hey, we should get a group picture!" Serena cried enthusiastically. She was on her fourth serving of cake. Darien agreed immediately and got the camera ready. We stood like one big messy family. You didn't smile and neither did your friend, Heero but your presence was comforting whenever I looked back on the large, framed picture.
It was during the night that Quatre called you and you said that you had to leave for a mission. I didn't want you to go because it was our wedding night.
"Don't leave me..." I pleaded, burying my head into your chest.
This time, you stayed and you loved me all night. I felt as if I've found a world that no one had ever been to. No one had ever loved me like you did that night and I felt like nothing was impossible now, especially with you by my side. You caressed my hair when dawn was approaching and I fell asleep in your arms. I think I saw an oath in the depths of your eyes, one that told me that you would be there for me till the end. I think I found a place somewhere between eternity and infinity inside your green realms. When I awoke, you weren't there; leaving a small note that told me you would return that evening.
I waited but Trowa, you didn't return...
Instead, a wounded Quatre Raberba Winner and Heero Yuy approached my doorsteps that evening with your marriage ring.
"We're sorry...We lost three soldiers today. Their Gundam suits crashed into the Pacific Ocean and my men couldn't track them in the depths..." Quatre told me. My happy world came crashing down. I slapped the Arab and bellowed that all of this was his fault. Trowa, I wanted to die once again. How could my life change so quickly from one moment? What happened to those visions I saw of us growing old together and raising four kids? Why did you leave me when I just started loving you?
I grew frail and weak over the next couple of weeks. Heero stayed at our house with Serena and Darien who attempted to look after me. They pronounced you dead but I didn't believe them. I vowed never to believe them and search for you till death did us apart. Did you know that you left me with hope when you disappeared? I was carrying your child...
But weeks turned into hopeless months and months turned into five years and all I could do was cry. Heero sat on the couch one day and listened to his favourite song by RED; 'Hymn for the Missing.' I lied on the couch opposite him, my memoires of you bled into sepia. Our baby, who was now four, looked just like you and I named him Trowa in your honour. I think you would have been happy to know that.
'Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go, I had to stay.
Now I'm reaching for you.
Will you wait will you wait?
Will I see you again?'
'Hymn For the Missing by RED'
The lyrics summed up my thoughts. You being missing had created that empty feeling, that void in my mind once again. Sometimes I believed that something or someone should have been there but never was. On our child's first birthday, I felt like Heero shouldn't have been the one to help him cut his cake and that empty vacuum forever stayed in my huge house. I closed my eyes and asked Heero to repeat the song, wishing so badly that you were beside me.
Heero took me to the beach that day, playing the role of the father for our child. I let him but he knew that he'd never replace you. I don't think he wanted to replace you either. I sat on the bench and watched our child and Heero build a castle. The stoic man tried his best to act playful. I never forgave him and Quatre for letting you go. I know you would want me to forgive them because the decision was yours in the first place.
Then I thought I saw a shadow of you move through the crowd. I ran after that shadow, praying that it was you. I bumped into many people on the way but I ignored their cries. I had to find you. I couldn't take it anymore. I was crumbling from the interior. The vision only led me to the precipice of a cliff. The wind blew vehemently in the summer breeze, my hair whipped around me. I cupped my hands over my mouth and screamed your name.
"Trowa!"
"Trowa!"
People passing by gave me arrogant looks and called me insane but I had to find you.
"Trowa!"
The only answer I received...Was silence.
Now at sixty-seven years of age, I still never gave up on finding you and I think I will continue searching until it is time to leave the earth. I conclude my story here, Trowa but that doesn't mean it's finished.
Memories of you are disappearing as the stars that fade away on the brink of dawn but I still search for your voice. Maybe out there, in the depths of the stars and in the stillness of eternity, you are searching for me too.