I am definitely more than a little obsessed with Taron Egerton's singing voice in the movie Sing and every time I heard him sing "The Way I Feel Inside" I kept imagining him singing it to Harry ) So, that was how this fic was born. I hope you enjoy it!
"Should I try to hide
The way I feel inside
My heart for you?
Would you say that you
Would try to love me too?"
Harry was asleep and yet he almost felt as if the words he was hearing were real enough that he could feel them vibrating in his bones and warming his heart. It had been so long ago since he'd felt words like that, spoken in such soft, warm tones…close to sleep he could almost believe that somewhere those were being spoken about him…TO him…..
"In your mind
Could you ever be
Really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I
Could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight"
Drifting off in a state of deepness…..of sleep and indulgence he knew that his mind wanted to say, "Say them…..please say it….." If Harry were fully conscious he would realize that he didn't know what he was saying; why would he say that he wanted to hear some musings of some distant spirit…..of some person who meant nothing to him…Only…..this time…..in this moment….he almost felt this was someone he DID know…..he felt he thought he knew that voice. Maybe it was a little deeper, a little more refined as he knew it but it still felt familiar…
As the voice spoke once more, he KNEW for certain that he did know that voice…..and he knew he wanted that voice to speak personally to him and be that one that was speaking to…..
"But 'til I can see
That you'd really care for me
I will dream
That someday you'll be
Really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I
Could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight
But 'til I can see
That you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside"
When Harry opened his eyes, he felt a jolt immediately hit his stomach; he wasn't sure what he thought he was expecting when his eyes were closed…..he wasn't sure who he thought that voice belonged to but it wasn't who he saw in the darkness of his hotel room. Sitting on the edge of his bed in the middle of the night, singing in the most angelic voice Harry had ever heard, was Eggsy. Harry was glad that he lay sideways; he could see Eggsy out of the corner of his eye but it was obvious that he hadn't noticed Harry. Without so much as a stammer, Eggsy repeated his song before laying a hand on Harry's shoulder. It had only lasted a second before Eggsy broke the contact and went back to his own bed as if nothing had ever happened, leaving Harry feeling warm, empty and confused all at the same time.
Harry lay still and quiet in the room until he could hear the steady sound of Eggsy's breathing that he knew signaled his sleeping state before he rolled over and watched the younger man sleeping in the darkness that his eyes were slowly adjusting to. Harry had shared a hotel room with Eggsy several times in the course of their work and nothing like this had ever happened.
That you know of…Harry felt the thought prod the back of his mind. No…..and of course this was the only time this ever happened. It HAD to be the only time because Harry could barely understand the meaning of this happening only once.
Harry spent what felt like hours tossing and turning, alternating between studying Eggsy with what felt like a crude interest and staring at the ceiling because he couldn't look at him while he tried to figure out what had happened and dismissing his feelings on the matter.
When Harry had been half asleep, when his mind had been unguarded, he had felt so…peaceful; there really wasn't any other word for it. It had been so long since he'd heard words that were that kind or a singing voice that sweet that the idea that it was directed at him made him feel sure that it was a dream.
But you knew the voice…the thought wouldn't stop needling him. A part of his mind was fully aware that Harry knew at once that it was Eggsy's voice, even if the other part of his mind wanted to deny it. To accept it meant that he wanted Eggsy to sing those words to him…..that he wanted those words to be directed at him….that he wanted Eggsy to mean what he was singing.
Why shouldn't you? After all, what other reason would Eggsy have for sitting on your bed in the middle of the night and singing a romantic song? Harry had to admit he was stumped at that thought; what reason was there for Eggsy to do that? None whatsoever…as for why he shouldn't want that, Harry had plenty of good reasons for. It was wrong, it was perverse….Eggsy was a man and a fellow Kingman, not to mention almost 30 years his junior. There was nothing about it that was right and yet…
And yet, Harry couldn't stop reliving the sensation of Eggsy's fingers resting on his shoulder and the sound of his song in his ears. After racing miles through his own mind, Harry finally drifted off to sleep once again.
…
Harry felt like he was going insane. The next morning, he had woken up feeling tired but relatively normal. It took less than a moment before the strangeness of the night was plunged to the forefront of his mind when he saw Eggsy sitting on the edge of his bed, freshly showered and shirtless, rubbing his hair with a towel.
"I thought you were going to sleep all day. Bought time you woke up, old man" Eggsy joked, giving him a wide smile before tossing the wet towel onto Harry's bed and going to his suit case to retrieve a shirt.
Harry felt like he was going to be ill; not only because he was more aware of Eggsy's bare chest than he should have been but because Eggsy was acting so…..normal. Eggsy was acting as though nothing had happened…..he was acting so very normal Harry felt like for a moment that the strange incident had never happened. Eggsy had even commented on his sleeping so long when the very reason that he hadn't slept as long as he should have was exactly because of Eggsy.
But of course, he wouldn't know that….his logical mind reminded him. Eggsy would have no idea that Harry had heard him last night and would have no reason to feel self-conscious. Maybe he'd done this before and so he felt normal about it. But if this was 'normal' what the hell did that mean?
Harry didn't realize that he was staring; he was so lost in thought, until Eggsy snapped him out of his thoughts. "I know I'm pretty dazzling, but you can't stare all day. We are going to be late for our debrief if you don't get up" Eggsy quipped.
He said it so care freely that Harry knew he didn't know how accurate his joke was or notice how saying it made Harry's cheeks flush.
….
Harry wanted to deny it but there really was no denying that he was off his game. His mind kept drifting during their meetings and he was slow and clumsy with everything he did all day. Eggsy kept asking him if anything was wrong but other than that he didn't seem to notice anything was strange. No matter what Harry did, he couldn't get his mind off what had happened last night and questioning why Eggsy would have sung to him the way that he did and he came to the logical conclusion that there wasn't a logical conclusion. The only reason he would sing such a romantic song to him were if he…..had FEELINGS for Harry and that thought alone made Harry's face turn red. He should NOT be having such thoughts about Eggsy nor should he even want to. Harry resolved to convince himself that the incident had never occurred and put it out of his mind.
That was until the end of the day when he and Eggsy were in the car on the way to a late dinner and Eggsy just had to start singing to the radio. It was THAT voice…it was so distinctly THAT voice that Harry could no longer delude himself in thinking that last night hadn't occurred. He felt hot and flustered and a bit ill…he tried to shake it off but he couldn't. He was acting like a he was a schoolboy with a crush again and that was simply not acceptable.
As soon as they arrived at the restaurant, Harry dove outside to get some air while a confused Eggsy went in to get a table. Harry paced up and down the street in the cool air hoping that eventually he would start to feel normal again but he didn't no matter how many times he went back and forth. No matter how many times he tried to push Eggsy out of his mind there he was again, crooning at him and touching his shoulder. He felt like a dirty old pervert and was sure everyone could see it even though he knew that was irrational.
When Harry finally got the nerve to go into the restaurant, he found Eggsy in a corner booth, a martini in front of him and one already in Harry's spot waiting on him. Harry felt very heavy and uncharacteristically sweaty as he plopped into the booth across from Eggsy, who was watching him with a careful eye.
"I know I keep asking if you're alright and you keep saying you are…but you sure don't look like it" Eggsy said, sipping his martini.
"I'm fine" Harry said, a little angrier than he meant to, as if it were Eggsy's fault he couldn't control his thoughts, "I'm just tired."
Eggsy shrugged, obviously catching Harry's hint that he didn't want to talk about whatever was bothering him. "Kick back, have a drink" Eggsy said, "It's not as good as yours but it'll do"
Harry took the martini and meant to sip it but once the glass was at his lips, he found himself downing it in one big gulp that warmed him up when he was already sweating. Eggsy gave a surprised smile at Harry's huge drink but didn't comment on it. Harry let his eyes roam across the restaurant and convinced himself not to order another martini. The last thing he needed right now was his inhibitions lowered….
"I know what you need" Eggsy said after a minute, snapping Harry out of his daze.
"What's that?" Harry said, his eyes still traveling around the room, trying to look anywhere but at Eggsy.
"You need a date"
Harry was so startled his head turned around toward Eggsy quick enough to give him whiplash. "What?" he asked, feeling another wave of flustered feelings coming over him. Was he that transparent? Harry felt a moment of panic seize him as he wondered if Eggsy was about to call him out.
Eggsy was smiling knowingly. "You need a date….a proper date with a woman" he said, grinning slyly. "You look all…hot and bothered…..for lack of a better term. I'm not trying to embarrass you but I could totally see you checking out that woman over by the bar"
Harry's confusion deepened; what woman? Harry couldn't recall letting his gaze land on anyone for more than two seconds. But Eggsy wasn't exactly wrong; he was apparently that transparent. He WAS all hot and bothered but Eggsy obviously was wrong about why. Harry should have been happy that Eggsy couldn't see what was really wrong; he shuddered to even think how mortifying that would be.
"Don't worry about me…..go on. Why don't you go buy her a drink?" Eggsy cheered him on. He was so encouraging and understanding that it made Harry sick. He didn't even want to analyze why he was so bothered by the simple idea of Eggsy's encouraging him to go chat up a woman. It was obvious to his subconscious why he was so bothered but he wasn't about to fully acknowledge it.
"No…..really. That isn't necessary" Harry said, trying to force a normal smile when he felt anything but normal. "I just want to have some dinner and go back to the hotel and get some rest."
Eggsy's smile fell for a moment and there was something in his eyes that Harry couldn't read. Eggsy looked away for a moment and when he met Harry's eyes again, whatever had been there was gone. He shrugged care freely, "Whatever" he said, taking another sip of his martini.
….
Harry took a cold shower when they got back to the hotel in an effort to calm himself down and hopefully sleep fine that night. If he was honest with himself, he was really still holding out hope, at least in the back of his mind, that last night's performance would be repeated. He still didn't understand it; his own feelings on the matter and Eggsy's intentions in doing it. He knew the only logical reason for Eggsy's song was because he meant the words behind it but at the same time he seemed completely content at dinner at the idea of paring Harry off for a one night stand. Harry resolved to say something….anything…..about the incident as he dried off and dressed in his pajamas. What, he didn't know, but he knew that he had to say something.
But he didn't get the chance. When Harry emerged from the bathroom he found all the lights in the room still on but Eggsy was fast asleep. He was laying on his side, facing Harry's bed, his arms and legs tucked in the fetal position, his face totally calm and relaxed. Harry felt something deep inside him stirring…..a warmth and calm that he couldn't explain. For a moment, Harry sat on the edge of Eggsy's bed next to him, willing himself to do something but he couldn't. He tried to sing like Eggsy had to him but the words wouldn't come. He tried to touch Eggsy, even to lay his hand on Eggsy's arm or shoulder but it felt wrong…..like he'd be violating him somehow and in that moment Eggsy looked so innocent and pure he couldn't imagine doing anything to taint him.
Feeling wrong about doing nothing but knowing he would also feel wrong about doing something, Harry turned out the lights and crawled into his own bed.
….
It took Harry forever to go to sleep. Despite his cold shower, he remained rattled. He forced himself to think of everything he could except Eggsy but that was just a lot of work and kept him awake. Making his mind stall to nothing, he could hear nothing in the silence but Eggsy's heavy breathing and focusing on that and that alone, he finally drifted off to sleep.
Harry knew he had it bad when he went to sleep; Eggsy's song met him in his dreams. In the darkness, in the warmth, he could feel himself stirring against the sheets moving toward the sound of the song almost as if it were real again…
And almost as he thought this, he knew it WAS real again. He felt that warm, heavy feeling that told him he was awake but just barely so and he heard Eggsy's voice crooning that same, vaguely romantic song to him in the darkness.
"Should I try to hide
The way I feel inside
My heart for you?
Would you say that you
Would try to love me too?"
Now Harry KNEW that there was no other reason for Eggsy to sing that song to him in the middle of the night other than he meant the words that he was saying. Harry felt like his heart was going to burst with warmth, a feeling he hadn't felt since he was young man. He was so consumed with happiness that he didn't even try to analyze that it. He felt so blissfully happy it made it nearly impossible for Harry to remain still and simply soak up the affection.
"In your mind
Could you ever be
Really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I
Could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight"
Say them…please say them…..Harry begged silently in his mind. The fact that this was exactly what he had said last night in mind was not lost on him; he'd meant them then without knowing why and he meant them now knowing why. He didn't know why his heart exploded with feeling for Eggsy but he could no longer deny that it did.
Harry was just about to speak, to call Eggsy out and try to voice his feelings somehow when Eggsy silenced him with his touch. Eggsy was singing still and yet there was the feel of his smooth, pure skin on Harry's head. Taking as deep a breath as he could and still appear asleep, Harry soaked in the feel of Eggsy's hand on his forehead, then raking through his hair, tousling it ever so gently as he continued to sing.
"But 'til I can see
That you'd really care for me
I will dream
That someday you'll be
Really close to me"
The words, combined with Eggsy's gentle, caring and so open touch, made Harry feel dizzy with affection and a need he couldn't voice. When Harry had been a child, he'd contracted a high fever that sent him into a delirium where he'd dreamed the most beautiful things; this was the only thing that he knew to compare this feeling to. Dreams of angels and fairies as a child were the only thing close to his imagining now he had the affection of such a young and beautiful boy….. And just like an illness, just like a delirium, Harry felt himself curling in delight at the touch and the words and speaking without meaning to.
"Eggsy…"
Though it was only one word, it was enough to break the spell. Harry hadn't meant to say it and as soon as he did he regretted it. He knew and felt at once that the moment had passed because of it.
As soon as Harry had spoken Eggsy's name, his song ceased and his touch vanished. Eggsy knew he had been caught and that was enough to change the whole dynamic of the room; Harry could feel even the air was tense. Harry had only enough time to open his eyes for a moment and see Eggsy before he disappeared.
Eggsy was sitting on the edge of Harry's bed, perched and alert. Harry was sure as he had sung his song he had been relaxed, calm and pensive; he wished he had seen it. For now, all Eggsy was was tense, frightened and on the alert. Harry could see his fear and uncertainty, etched painfully in his face, for all of a second before he took off running.
As Harry sat up in the dark of the hotel room, eyes wide and inquiring, he caught Eggsy's eyes for a fraction of a second before he took off. Harry wanted to say 'wait' or 'stop' but he felt his voice was frozen in his throat and he couldn't say anything before Eggsy was off and out of the room.