Discl.: I don't own anything related to the O.C.
not beta-read so all the mistakes are mine and the wrong use of English is to test you all, lol!
Torn
Another mouth to feed. Another crying problem to take care of. Another lousy excuse for continuous tardiness at work.
Dawn sighed and watched the small bundle of human being on the kitchen table, studied the tiny fingers, the blond, fine hair, the blue, piercing eyes staring right back at her.
She took out a cigarette and lit it with shaking hands. She couldn't deal with this right now, couldn't keep her thoughts together with everything that was going on. She had even been surprised about her own ability to find her house after the medication she had been filled up with at the hospital.
The baby sneezed and Dawn realised that the door was still open, a steady stream of wind blowing over the infant in the old, frayed car seat she had bought in a second hand shop when Trey was about to be born.
Impatiently walking over to the open door she banged it shut which resulted in a shocked gasp from the newborn boy, closely followed by the first sobs and finally a full blown screaming fit.
Once again she was amazed at how these tiny little lungs were already able to create such loud noise. Tears were streaming down the boy's face, his head turning red of the effort to express his discomfort without any words which he was not yet capable of forming.
Rushing over to his side Dawn picked up the comforter he had pushed off during his crying attack and covered him up. Tenderly stroking his soft hair, his small head, she ran her thumb over his soft cheek, before gently placing the soother at his lips, patiently waiting until he opened his mouth and sucked it in.
Watching the now quiet boy, Dawn again had this strange feeling that this baby was different to her first born. She couldn't put the finger on it, but the way he kept looking at her, the genuine look on the boy's tiny face, made her realise, that he was now, only a few hours on this earth, already the complete opposite to his brother. There was no screaming, no biting, no constant flow of tears rushing down his cheeks. Just the soft, blue eyes watching her every move.
Pacing through the small room with the old couch and the tiny TV set Dawn considered her options. She hadn't heard from Dan in weeks, he was probably planning his next "big thing". He would either call her from jail or from Vegas. The neighbours didn't know she was back from the hospital yet, so Trey was probably still busy torturing them.
What if she just left?
Left all this behind, took the baby with her and started over, someplace new, where nobody knew her and people would actually consider helping her without being aware of her background, her history?
Although she knew that the medication was partially responsible for her irrational and emotional state of thinking, she was convinced that with this baby, at a new place, everything could be different. With a baby boy to be responsible for she would quit smoking. And more importantly, drinking. Maybe she would even be able to sniff less coke, as she wouldn't have Trey or Dan around to watch him when she was high.
Dawn was desperate enough to try it. She had never bonded with Trey as the nurses had promised her at the hospital she would. The little bitch had been playing tricks on her, had tortured her, bitten her while she was breast feeding him. Now he was four and a total pain in the ass. Dawn had sure enjoyed the few days at the hospital where there had been no toddler around who hated her, only talked in screams and kicked everybody who came close to him or dared to touch him.
The mother of two sighed once again; the urge for a glass of liquor was increasing, promising her to calm her frayed nerves. She took the two steps over to the kitchen and stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray on the counter. Opening the first cabinet she discovered a long lost rum bottle for which she reached with a satisfied smile, filling herself a glass, lifting it to her lips before opening her mouth, taking a gulp and enjoying the liquid running down her dry throat.
Glancing over to her new baby boy she fought with herself. The peacefully sleeping infant promised to be different, to behave like an actual child. Dawn was sure he would respect her, help her and be there for her. But how could she know? Maybe he would turn out just like Trey, there was no such guarantee, especially not with the bad luck of the Atwood's in the game. Was she ready to start a new life on a feeling, an intuition that her new child could actually be better than all the messed up people she dealt with usually? Maybe all mothers believed that their children were destined for outstanding achievements when they gave birth to them, only to get disappointed somewhere on the way to adulthood. Glaring at the rum bottle in her hand she cursed her indecision, her fear of taking once again the wrong turn, making her life and the life of the newborn baby even more miserable than it already was.
"Fuck!"
The single word did not sum up all her frustration, her exhaustion after the hours in labour, the worrying as to whether the baby was alright and healthy, but it sure gave voice to her inner brokenness, her lack of mother instincts she blamed on the experiences of her own childhood. Cursing under her breath and hoping not to wake the sleeping baby up she strode over to the kitchen table, once again silently watching the peaceful boy.
He sure had the face of an angel, blond hair and blue eyes like she had, a soft mien, the smell of baby all newborns were carrying. Only looking at him reassured her, that if she were to leave now, if she were to turn her back on her husband who was MIA anyway and her first born son, Trey, whom she knew would survive anywhere, she would be able to turn her life around.
"Mum, mum, where is the baby?"
Slightly jumping Dawn turned around and recognised Trey standing in the doorway, equalling the shattering of all her dreams, her chance of ever leaving this life behind her. He was looking at her with curious, wide open eyes, his shirt in tatters, his face as dirty as his pants. When she didn't answer he crossed the room with as long steps his short legs allowed him to take before climbing up the closest chair and trewing a glance into the car seat on the table.
"That's my soother!"
"No Trey, that's his now!" Dawn hurried to yell, caught Trey as he was pulling the red soother out of the baby's mouth, reached for the kid's ear and tore him away from his brother, making him hop down the chair.
The realisation that there was no way back now, that she was stuck here with her two kids, no money and no husband slowly settled into her system and she decided right here and now to make the best of it.
Bending down, bringing their eyes into one line, Dawn told Trey:
"Listen Trey, there is one very important thing I want you to know."
Stopping Dawn made sure Trey paid attention to her, before she continued with a serious voice:
"Your little brother can't take care of himself. So it is your job to watch out for him. Always. Do you understand me?"
Trey nodded and stretched his arms to her, begging to be picked up. Dawn lifted him up, holding him close to his baby brother, letting the older boy study his new sibling. When Trey reached out to touch the tiny fingers the baby responded by clasping Trey's pinky. The elder boy turned around to his mother and startled her by explaining:
"I take care of him… forever"
Smiling at her two boys Dawn threw one last glance over to the rum bottle. Another mouth to feed. Another crying problem to take care of. But maybe also a new start, a second chance to be a good mother.
Holding Trey in her arms she softly told the baby:
"Welcome to the Atwood family, Ryan"
END