fandom - Gravitation
title - Messenger of Hades
rating - R
pairing - ryuichi x tohma
description – Ryuichi's feelings overwhelm Tohma until he breaks down his emotional defenses…
Disclaimer – Gravitation is by Murakami Maki-sama. I'm just a lover of this title!
Messenger of Hades
By miyamoto yui
"Hah…Hah…Ah~…"
My face contorted into a disgusted, yet confused expression as I listened for the muffled panting coming from one of the classrooms. I was perplexed since there wasn't supposed to be anyone in school at such a late hour. I had only stayed behind because our advisor was planning out lessons in his office while I was in the student council room finishing the paper work over the school festival activities.
I cleared my throat quietly as I walked through the hallway as if I hadn't heard anything, but at that random moment, like people attracted to watching dramas because of the perversity of viewing someone else's bedroom scenes for all the nation to see, my eyes were attracted to the classroom door that was slid open.
It was just a crack, but I stared at a man's naked back, which was sitting on a desk while these menacing, playful eyes stared right through me. I stood there mesmerized as the boy smiled while wrapping his arms around the half-clothed man.
His eyes were not leaving mine alone as he slightly turned his head to lick the man's ear.
"I can't hear you," the voice ordered in a low, yet sweet and demanding manner. As if it knew who exactly I was.
But who was this person?
I blinked my eyes indifferently even though, inwardly, I was shocked when I heard some mumbling. It was my advisor's voice!
"Let it go. Shout at me and don't hold back or I'll-" the voice immediately stopped as Minase-sensei shivered and moaned more.
"I don't like it when people aren't honest."
All the while, he was staring at me and saying all these things as if they were directed towards me. Somehow, I knew they were.
I tried to figure out who he was, but I couldn't the more I looked at him. My heart reacted as if it couldn't believe what was happening while my mind rationalized everything out as if to say, "Aren't you used to this?"
So, carefully, I closed the door and walked on calmly as if I had seen nothing. That was the best way for everything. It was none of my business anyway.
But for someone who didn't turn back, I did. When I was leaving the school entrance, I turned around to glance at the window where they were. And then, I realized that this was the first time we'd spoken to one another, face-to-face. Even if there were no real words exchanged.
The boy I had underestimated was actually someone to be very cautious of. There was more to Sakuma Ryuichi than I had predicted.
++/++/++/++
I saw him running around and we caught each other's eyes, but didn't say anything to one another. After all, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone because it was of no consequence to me, so I felt that he and I could have continued as we did.
Indifferent and uncaring to one another, that had been the unsaid contract we exchanged ever since we had been placed in the same classroom. It was ever since he came here as an exchange student from America, moving back and forth.
You wouldn't have known from that smiling face how excruciating that task alone was.
It was something that I wished I could possess, but he and I were the same in some sense. He and I were the heirs in our families and I was resigned to the fact that I would take over the family business in trading.
However, his bubbly nature made me have a headache every time I had to deal with him.
And so, I thought he'd really leave me alone about the incident. Being himself, I hadn't realized that he wouldn't let me take it that easily. Nor himself.
"Seguchi-sempai~!" He shouted as soon as we were let out for lunch. His voice pierced my ears and I winced at the call of my name. I wasn't used to the loudness. At home, my parents were always very soft-spoken and indescribably polite.
So polite that you wouldn't have thought I was their son…
"Yes?" I took out the bentou from my bag.
He took a hold of my wrist and pulled me away while I grabbed my bentou. "What the hell are you doing?!" I shouted, surprised at my own outburst.
His grip became even tighter as he laughed. He was stronger than I thought. "Let's eat together!"
I couldn't resist though. He had on that lonely, yet heartfelt smile that I found myself liking so much. It was something I was sure that no one else could see.
Most found him to be some kind of genki freak.
When we got to the rooftop, we leaned our backs on the side walls as the door closed. I looked up to the sky for a moment. I'd seen many things and had been around the world on trips, but it was something that, to me, felt like freedom itself.
"What did you want me here for?" I asked while turning my head to him and putting my business air on. I took out my chopsticks from their special case and ate while watching him.
"You think I want you here for a specific reason?" the serious Ryuichi questioned while taking a bite of his sandwich. Then, he blinked at me with not a clue in the world.
In our society, could someone have been preserved to be that innocent?
Immediately, he took my hand and took a bite of my lunch.
"Hey!" I shouted at him. "Why do you do things like that? Like calling me sempai when we're in the same class?"
He resumed eating his sandwich with both hands and looked up to the sky. As the sun shone on his face, I looked at him carefully. He looked tired, as if he hadn't had any sleep at all.
"You're my sempai in a lot of ways. That's why." He smiled with his teeth showing, immersing me in his own logic. "And I like the food you bring to class because I know you're the one who makes it."
"If you can answer that, then tell me why I'm here." I sighed and continued to eat. "Is it because-"
The low voice answered, "Don't misunderstand that."
He had stopped eating and stared at me the way he did the other night. I pretended to be unfazed as his eyes wouldn't look away. Not even for a second.
As I was putting my box down, he grabbed me.
"SAKUMA." I threatened with my tone as I looked down at where he was touching through my school uniform.
"Already aroused? You can try to hold your feelings, but your body will always react to whatever I do."
I laughed as I tilted my head and closed my eyes with my blank, teasing smile. "Just touching me won't do anything. Such an obvious place shows that you have no skill at all."
"You react, but you don't look at me as if you want me. That's why I asked you to hang with me today."
"I'm afraid I don't understand any of your reasoning." I motioned for something to drink and he gave me his water bottle.
While drinking it, he answered, "It's you I don't understand. Stop lying to yourself."
"Wha-"
"Let me take you to a place where no one can touch you. Only I can take you there."
Skeptically, I blurted out, almost taken in. "What can you possibly do?"
He then, let go of me and shook his head while caressing both of my cheeks and watching me with so many emotions. He grinned in a way I had never seen.
And my one weakness is that I can't look away from beautiful things.
"I can do anything."
At that moment, he shielded his face from me as he placed his cheek on my shoulder. He hugged me like a frightened little kid. As if we had known each other for years, he called me so familiarly. "Tohma, I want something beyond that."
He pointed to the sky.
I found myself understanding, though I couldn't say to him, "Me too."
++/++/++/++
We somehow met everyday for lunch through the rush of life. While I was doing my student council duties as well as going to cram school, and other things related to 'family', he was keeping up with classes, clubs, and his own family duties.
One day, while busy with committee meetings for the school festival, I was ultimately put in charge of the stage events being held in the middle of campus. I had gotten performers of all kinds, but there still wasn't an opening act that I felt suited the whole atmosphere. Everyone, of course, was competing for the position of ending act, which was supposed to be representative of the best.
I was stressing over this a bit because everyone was doing their damnest to suck up to me. And I was too well versed in such a field, especially with my position in society and being the son (in name). Besides, no one acknowledged what I was doing. They felt it was in my nature to be an organizer of anything.
I was just used to dealing with many, MANY types of people.
It was all a survival game, after all. I might as well control than be controlled.
Or so I thought.
You had to be selective, I later learned.
I walked up the steps towards the roof, but I stopped when I heard a sound and opened the door slowly so that he wouldn't know that I was there listening to him. Yes, my eyes were glued like that day we stared at one another. I knew it was him who was standing in front of me with his black uniform rumpled on the ground. The back of his white blouse was faced towards me as he held his hands out like an angel singing a hymn.
It was my ears that couldn't believe the incredible voice I was hearing. He sang, "Let me take you to a place where no one can touch you. Only I can take you there."
These words were lyrics to his own song?
I walked towards him and his back tensed up. He immediately stopped. "How long have you been standing there, Tohma?"
I found myself replying, "Not long enough."
He turned around and ran his fingers through his hair, chuckling. He ran up to me and glomped me as my lunch bag fell to the floor.
"Ow." We fell to the ground and I looked up to him as he stared down at me.
The voice I heard was no longer there.
And he was trying his best to avoid talking about it.
I just couldn't do that. I wasn't the type.
"Let's sing together."
I blinked at him. "What? Are you serious? And where did that come from all of a sudden?"
"It's a challenge for both of us, Tohma. I don't want to stay here anymore."
"You're not making sense anymore."
He was crying on me as I watched him. I patted his shoulder. I didn't know what else to do.
"I never make sense."
"Very true."
"You can sing solo at the festival," I suggest, not wanting to be dragged into this. I hated unnecessary attention, especially that of which had no purpose.
"It won't be the same." He leaned down and laid on top of me. "It won't come out right."
"Why me?" I asked as I wrapped my arm over his head while he cried onto my shoulder.
Again, I watched the sky and for a moment, time was going very slowly. It was much smaller than the hollowness I felt inside.
Filling me up with his emotions, I became aware of the ones that I forced myself to deaden in order to live and understand the world I was being swallowed up in. A world where money, title, name, reputation, and conduct were your reasons for existence.
Not yourself.
Somehow, I had always tried my best to push through, but it wouldn't let me no matter how much I tried. Always on my guard, I had to act like an adult at all times, forgetting my age and I soon didn't know what living meant at all.
It was just a series of motions where you were told what to do.
And I was on the point of almost succumbing towards this system's massive whim.
++/++/++/++
We had no sleep.
I gave into Ryuichi's request because as much as he was aggressive and friendly or manipulative and passionate, he never asked for anything outright. Like me, he always did everything by himself, but I wondered why was this any different.
We only had six days.
After all our obligations, at night, we practiced in a room I rented. I played on my synthesizer as he sang his songs. We collaborated on a new piece and practiced it for a few days before the event. It was last minute, which was something I disliked immensely, but it was working out.
When I had told my committee about the arrangement, there were some unhappy people. There were acts insisting they wanted to be last, but I made my decision for a five-person band named "Mikael". They had a sound that I enjoyed. The vocalist had a soft voice, but the rock songs complemented one another quite well. Maybe it was just a preference, but I was really picky about my music, which was why I was appointed to this position in the first place.
No one minded that Ryuichi was opening. In fact, they were surprised that I had even agreed to participate. It was 'not part of my stoic façade' to do such a thing. I told them to fuck off. (Well, in so many polite, double meaning words.) End of subject.
Two days before the event, someone knocked on one of the doors of the hotel ballroom I had rented that week. We were packing up to leave, so I took a hold of my bookbag while the staff was storing my synthesizer and Ryuichi's mic.
I opened the door with my aunt standing there in front of me. "I'm sorry to bother you, Touma-kun, but I wanted to ask you if you could take care of Suguru. I have to visit a friend and it's an emergency."
"I-"
She handed a bag and Suguru into my arms while Ryuichi watched the whole thing beside me. "You are the only one I can trust to do this and Suguru loves you. Please…"
I nodded while sighing. She was the only aunt I liked and I knew more than anyone how you couldn't trust anyone with anything…
She left in a hurry as Suguru the toddler pulled on my clothing with his small fingers. He patted my cheeks and leaned forward to kiss me on the lips. I sighed again. He was so adorable. But, such things not calculated into my plans were so troublesome.
Ryuichi poked him. "Hey!"
They got along great.
Instead of going home, I just checked into a suite upstairs and took care of Suguru. I was used to this type of thing, but Ryuichi wouldn't leave though.
"I know no one will notice if I'm not home, but won't your parents worry?"
"Eh…" His voice trailed off as he played with Suguru.
I ordered for food to be delivered and we ate. A maid from my house brought my clothes for the next day along with some things I asked for her to pick up.
As I was rocking Suguru to go to sleep, Ryuichi was holding onto the railings of the balcony. He asked me, "You actually have a good side. I thought you were the devil incarnate."
I didn't say anything.
When it was time to go to sleep, I made a barricade of pillows all on the king-sized bed so that Suguru would sleep in the middle of it. I was trying to push Ryuichi out, but he ended up carrying me over his shoulder and dropped me onto the bed. Thank goodness Suguru didn't wake up!
He slept behind me and held me close above the covers. I was too tired and comfortable to protest. He held on tightly and for the first time in my life, I smiled to myself when I fell asleep.
When had I gotten so used to him?
++/++/++/++
The night before the performance, I was thanking people for setting everything up. I took a last glance at everything we needed and was about to go home. But for some reason, I saw the piano in the music room and started to play. I was warming up before practicing with Ryuichi later on that night even though it was already late.
But when I left the music room, I saw it once more.
As I turned my head to the open classroom door, I saw a half-naked Ryuichi sitting on the desk with just his unbuttoned blouse and his legs spread out while grabbing the hair of Minase-sensei, whose back was towards me again.
He saw me, but he didn't smile. He wasn't shocked.
He had nothing to say and I didn't need an explanation.
What were we fighting for anyway? Certainly, it wasn't for each other…
I turned around and kept on walking.
What would I mean to someone like that anyway? And why would some brat be the object of my affection?
I walked out of the entrance and looked up to the dark, clear sky. I'd forgotten how to cry, but my body remembered all over again as a single tear fell down one side of my cheek to the ground.
I refused to acknowledge such a thing.
Nothing. This should have meant nothing.
But I knew, deep inside, my body was quivering like a child. I was left all over again to be by myself.
I didn't mean anything to you.
++/++/++/++
The festival was an organized chaos.
All the booths sponsored by their respective classrooms were doing well. Advertisements had done their job as people from all over came to enjoy the day with us. I was preparing for the stage performances and took an hour break, leaving everything behind to keep myself composed.
Ryuichi and I were both professionals with acting and getting things done. We could push our unwanted feelings aside, if needed, to give the best performance. That was how we were all our lives, so how could we act any differently?
I walked up all the way to the rooftop. By now, it had become some kind of refuge outside the dinner parties and inane conversations I didn't like wasting my time with. Here was somewhere I could go without expectations to live up to.
Not even my oppressive self.
But there he was singing again. His fingers were pressing onto his chest as he sang as softly as he could, but with an underlying intensity that only he could bring to such a delicate piece.
I stood there, but I didn't want to bring up anything.
"Whether or not you may believe me, that was our last meeting, Tohma." He opened his eyes and faced me as I stood before him.
"What you do is your business," I snapped.
He grabbed my collar. He shook me back and forth. "Nothing gets to you, huh?!"
"That's right. Everything is business to me. If you cut your emotions from transactions then-"
He punched me and sat on top of me while holding my collar again. He was already crying before me. "You…I didn't want to dirty you with this body so I went to that person even though I knew it was wrong."
A tear fell onto my cheek.
"There were many before him, but you…You! Ever since I heard you play the piano at a dinner party three years ago, I'd been looking for you. When you came to America, I was there at that recital. I listened to you play and I started to want to open my mouth to sing. Your playing was in my ears and I couldn't tune it out. I wanted to feel that way again, but no one would do. You haunted my dreams and I had to find you, even if it was like this."
Two more tears fell as he sobbed while placing his hands on my chest. Grabbing it tightly in desperation.
"Everyone wanted me to sing, but I couldn't. I didn't want to do it until I heard you play. So, I only think of you whenever I sing. But when you look at me so indifferently, TELL ME WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
I shook my head and smiled even though I was crying inside. Somehow, his words let out the pressures that I could never say.
This wasn't a smile I put on for show.
It was genuine and I could feel it.
I wiped his tears away with my thumb and scolded, "Baka. You were doing fine just being yourself."
I pulled him as he leaned down to kiss me.
When we went up on stage, many people were surprised that I even knew how to play the synthesizer. It was something I taught myself and was a hobby I never told anyone about, saying that piano lessons were always important. But people also had question marks on their faces as they stared at a boy wearing torn jeans and a tight tank top.
"Hello minna-san~! We're the first act, so I hope you'll enjoy us. I'm Sakuma Ryuichi and this is Seguchi Tohma~!"
People clapped, but he shouted, "I can't hear you! You have to show me you want to hear all of us here who want to perform for you!"
Ryuichi was amusing. It seemed second nature for him to do this.
No, actually, it was a part of him.
But when the song started, he tapped his foot while holding onto the mic stand with both of his hands. He closed his eyes and opened them again with that look that took my breath away.
From the looks on everyone's faces, they were charmed instantly into his spell. And I kept on playing even though he changed all the words to the song:
"I wait beyond the river,
Where the dismal darkness is my dwelling.
I cry out in shouts
And everyone is scared of me.
Death is not a place to go to,
So I'm all alone.
Let me take you to a place
where no one can touch you.
Only I can take you there.
Someone cross the river
to get to me
and I'll show you a world
that you've always longed for.
Scared to bleed,
we don't cry when we should
we lie to ourselves
saying everything's all right,
pretending to be strong.
Let me take you to a place
where no one can touch you.
Only I can take you there.
Someone cross the river
to get to me
and I'll show you a world
that you've always longed for.
Forget all your pretenses
and all you've ever known,
reach out to me through the bloody river.
Come to me-
Desecrate me, use me, whip me,
but never leave me.
I will take you by force.
You can never escape me."
At the end of the performance, it was already over. No one was able to top that. It made people envious with admiration.
When I watched him, I became sure of one thing. Later on, that night, when I kissed him in that hotel suite, I was tasting hope itself. I was willing to be a slave to such a person.
As he pressed me against the open window, he kept on whispering, "Just shout it all out. Let go of yourself."
Then, he pushed his lips onto mine again, pushing through with his tongue. He pulled away as he pressed me over and over onto the sliding door, dripping in our sweat and semen.
I held onto him as he kept on talking to me, telling me it was all right to let out my emotions. And I did as we both wished. I shouted with all my heart all the things I had kept inside.
It hurt so much from my body to my heart.
That night, he held my hand to his heart and with that, we somehow became indentured servants that didn't want freedom from one another…
And so, I made my own recording studio, showing my father that I would surpass him at the 'silly hobby' he used to make fun of me for. I got there by selling my soul to the Messenger of Hades.
Only this part of me would ever come out solely for him and no one else.
Even if I love someone else, it still won't be the same: Unconditional.
Free to abuse, full of extreme emotion…
Sadly, there will be unattainable expectations.
++/++/++/++
I thought of all this as Ryuichi told me he had fallen in love with Shuichi. Watching Shuichi practicing before the actual recording, he laughed while saying, ""I want to sing with him!"
He jumped up and down, but soon stopped as he quietly whispered with melancholy, "I'm stupid, aren't I? Always falling for people I can't have."
I chuckled, not letting on that I was eternally punished for doing the same for Eiri and especially with him. We loved challenges, but we hated defeat…
…never admitting to it.
It was funny though. He charmed everyone and somehow everyone would learn to enjoy his pushy ways, and you wanted to be special to him. You wanted it so much that you were blind.
Through the years, I realized that even if his feelings were strong, they weren't the way you wanted them to be towards you. You wanted to see what you wanted.
To seal everything into a deadlock, he meant whatever he said to you. And whatever he told you was true.
The sad thing was, he didn't do it on purpose.
You just gave your heart without knowing it.
That was his magic. Though you wanted to scream with all your anger, though you didn't want to lie to yourself, though you wanted someone to trust, his voice was what was in your head. His was the one that broke all your barriers even if no one knew what he truly looked like or acted, for he was different every moment we lived.
The more you wanted to let go, you knew you would get hurt.
But you just didn't know how to let go.
You didn't want to.
I touched his head and turned it around to face away from Shuichi. I rubbed his hair with my thumb as he put his head on my shoulder for a little while. This was all I could do for him.
Somehow, I was satisfied with this. Selfishly, I wanted him to eat my soul for as long as he could.
No matter what I do, I can no longer look up to the sky because my eyes are always focused on him. I am afraid of his departure from my side. My curious want became a bottomless need.
So, the sanctuary I looked for has turned into an asylum.
And I can't ever escape him.
There is no such thing as freedom after all.
Owari.
-
Author's note - Out of frustration, I suddenly wrote this fic. And I debated on how should I portray this. I would have been able to write from Ryuichi's POV and it would have been interesting to do this in 3rd person omniscient, but for some reason, I wanted Tohma's mind. I wanted you to feel someone thoroughly as I killed myself on paper. Today, I am my stoic self, so I hope my contained, unspeakable thoughts are not too confusing…
Today, Ryuichi is very different from how I've made his image to be in my fics. I was aiming for a difference in characterization for both of them and their power dynamics rather than presentation of text and style.
Took about six hours, but I think it came out well. ^_^ I hope you enjoyed it.
Love,
yui
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
8:32 PM