The April Fools Day Extravaganza!
A T2M Clan Authorfic
Authored by: Lucia I. L. Tanaka
Summary: You knew it was coming... This time with better pranks, more people, and more laughs (I hope)! Remember Clanmates, follow Talon's example and hit me back! I'll enjoy it!
Author Notes:
Lu: Yo, everyone!
Keno: Lord have mercy on your soul.
Lu: Oh shut up.
Keno: Shall we?
Lu: Yes. Let's. It's April 1st, baby! And the Evil Mastermind in me is lovin' it! Enjoy the torture!
~*~
A sudden hush befell the Clan when April First rolled around. It was a day they all dreaded. A sense of fear was installed into them since last year's attacks.
For those who don't know, My name is Lucia Iris Legaia Tanaka. Ms. Tanaka to most. I am the Deputy Head Female of the T2M Clan and the Terror of April. You probably haven't heard from me in a while. My apologies. But this isn't about my disappearance. This is about the return of the Kuromaru and the events that follow.
~*~
"KENOSHORO!" a deep, young voice yelled from the Desert Rose's bridge area. The worker muses flinched at their Captain's screaming. But they were used to it by now. When she was angry, Lucia Tanaka yelled. Lucia got angry often.
The treated oak door flew open and the three and a half foot tall cabbit rushed in, frantically pulling on his First Matesman coat on, a handsome red tunic with a orange jacket over top, and tying his head's hair, longer than normal, back at the same time.
"What could you possibly need at seven A.M!" The servant shrieked in annoyance.
"A good stiff drink and a Indiana Jones flick." the American joked, collapsing unceremoniously into her chair. "Harrison Ford was real hot."
Keno's mouth dropped. "You called me here in the ungodly hours of the morning to tell me about your weird hobbies?"
"No. But if I did go into detail about my hobbies, you'd need therapy."
"That's so reassuring from someone who could overthrow Russia."
"I can take Russia, no sweat. Now, my darling NYC. . . different story altogether." Lucia smiled at the thought of owning NYC and sighed happily.
"Lu..."
"Oh right!" she shook her head and straightened her captain's hat. "You ready?"
"For what?" Keno looked confused and irritated.
"What do you mean 'for what'? Don't you have a calendar?"
Keno blinked and furrowed his brow. A minute later his eyebrows rose a few centimeters. "April's here!"
"Fabulous deduction, Tracy. Now let's get started! Activate the monitoring terminals seven through thirteen. Activate the Anti-Psionic and Anti-Author fields. Get us cloaked and as far away for all T2M member locations as possible." Lucia cried out happily.
Kenoshoro dashed around the room activating things and changing the Desert Rose's course. "Aye, Captain! Who wakes up first?" he was standing, ready to focus the terminals on the early risers.
Lucia cackled with delight. "Our dear friend, the Shinimegami!"
Keno shook his head. "I hope you have adequate health insurance."
~
A loud alarm sounded sharply at 4:45 am. Outside her window was dark grey and murky, most unlike what people thought of California. Plumed stormy clouds hovered, threatening heavy rain.
Silver Raye Adams didn't care. The Shinimegami hated sunshine anyway. Hurt her keen eyes. She sat up, slamming a fist onto her radio that was daring to blare some peppy love ballad. If it wasn't Jpop, she didn't want to hear it.
She swung her feet over the bed's side and into a pair of penguin slippers before yawning and stretching long then going downstairs. Coffee sounded good at the moment.
No one was around, but the place was a mess. The night before was a huge party of watching the complete series of LCL on DVD. Pocky boxes were empty and the Ramayana was gone, with some glass marbles scattered around. Silver sighed, wishing she had a competent muse to help her clean up. She stepped over a pile of discarded manga books and shuffled into the kitchen.
As she heated up water for coffee, the doorbell rang. Silver groaned in annoyance before checking the peephole and opening the door.
"What?"
"Oh- um. Sorry. I'm from UPS and have a package for a "Silver R. Adams". Is she present?" the delivery man said with a practiced smile. When Silver nodded, he offered her a pen and the write off form before handing her the package and bidding her good bye.
Lifting the light box onto the kitchen counter and grabbing and xacto knife, she slit the tape gone and tore open the box, expecting some kind of new manga she bought on eBay.
"Nani?"
All there was inside was a half-sphere made of steel. She cautiously lifted it out. Who sent her this.... thing? Suddenly she remembered. She turned to her calendar ($25 at Otakon) and looked at the date in horror.
"This isn't happening...." she said in terror, grabbing the small item with a pair of tongs from the shelf. She held it arms length ahead of her, eyeing it fearfully and cursing herself for not being more careful. She set the thing on the window sill, planning to open the glass, punch out the screening and shove the whatever-it-was down a few stories.
Suddenly, the smooth top of the dome opened on it's own and Silver shrieked, looking around in panic. Where was the baseball bat? Not seeing her weapon, she touched the dome tentatively, trying to push it back closed. "Go away, you piece of kuso..."
"I'm sorry, Silver. I can't do that." it thing said in a metallic voice.
"Lucia Legaia Tanaka, don't you dare!" Silver yelled, pivoting at running full speed away, trying to get to her door to hide.
"Too slow."
A beam of white light, thin and opaque, shot over to the Californian. Her back arched in shock as a numbing sensation ran down her spine and through out all her nerve endings. Her eyes exploded with light and slid closed as her body fell to the floor.
The HAL dome [1] closed and shut down, folding completely down into a flat-ish lump on the sill.
'Ow.... I'll kill that youkai lolita.... Once I find out what she did.' Silver thought murderously as she sat up, gazing through squinted eyes. Oh Kami.... He body felt weird. And she was short (well, shorter than usual). She sighed and looked around. Wow, she was really, really short.
Not good.
Silver decided first things first; self-assessment. Not something she was looking forward to. She finally opened her eyes full.
Fur.
Furry, fluffy feet. Cream-colored, furry, fluffy.... cabbit feet.
'NOOO! She wouldn't dare!'
Silver scrambled onto her four paws and ran across the room. Where, where... Coffee table had glass! Glass + her = reflection!
The small authoress hopped up awkwardly, using the same basic motions Ryo-ohki used so often. She slid a little bit around on the slick surface before she got her equilibrium and was able to examine herself.
The cutest cabbit in the universe, no doubt. Tan feet, cream torso fur, a pink nose, and amber eyes. Her ears were tied back with a silk, pink ribbon. She was declawed in all four paws and had small teeth. Utterly harmless.
A cabbit scream of fury ripped through the air.
~***~
Lucia slumped over her chair in laughter at the sight over the "Shinimegami" as the most kawaii of anime creatures. Kenoshoro couldn't help but smile as he erased the HAL dome's files so no trace could be found of them.
"Genius! Absolute brill! One whole week as a harmless, glompable thing!" Lucia downed her drink, an Long Island iced tea and swiped at her wet eyes.
"Who's next, Captain?"
"Our newest addition." Lucia cracked her knuckles and grinned with a long forgotten maleficence.
"I thought you dropped the evil prodigy thing." Keno glared, seeing the new look in her eyes. "That's a lot of therapy for nothing."
"Shut up."
~***~
In a house tucked away in Florida...
"Ow, leg cramp!"
Avery Yunalesca, newest member of the T2M Clan sat up on her couch, holding her knee and hissing. Last time she'd fall asleep playing FFX.... well, that was a lie, but she'd damn well try not to either way.
Sitting up and pulling her leg out from under her, Avery ran a brush briefly through her hair before standing unsteadily. An early morning Ramune sounded good right now. She straightened her twisted clothes and licked her dry lips, off in another world.
Until she passed her window and let out a gasp.
Instead of sunny road with cars passing by she saw mountains. Mountains as far as the eye could see, it seemed. Mist hovered around and there were no tree to see.
Feeling lightheaded, she sat down again and pushed her head between her knees, waiting for the bells in her head to stop. When the spots before her eyes were gone, she stood again and opened her door.
"Jeebus!" she shrieked as the cold air hit her. She ran back inside, jumping into a nearby coat before venturing back out.
Desolation. Nothing at all but gray ridges. She looked at her feet with a sigh and blinked. A pebble road was clearly sat out for her. She followed it a ways as it bent around the house and to another road, leading down a rough road of the mountains. In front of the said road stood something Avery instantly hated.
A mountain donkey, complete with harness.
"LUCIA! Lucia Tanaka, I know you can hear me!" Avery yelled out, looking frantically around for a video camera feed. No way the Kuromaru would miss this...
And Avery was proven right. "Hello, Avy-chan. Such a beautiful local, ka?" Lucia said between laughs. Avery's face was priceless.
"I'm new! I've barely made an appearance in the clan and you prank me!?"
"Ummmm. Yeah, that's about right." Lucia said in a calm tone, ignoring Avery's ugly words in Al Bhed.
"So what do you want from me?!"
"Straight to the point, huh? Alright, Avery-darling. I've disabled your summons and magic. You have no communication with the others from my jamming equipment."
"My only way out is...."
"The donkey. Yes." Lucia laughed hard at the distraught look on the summoner's face. "His name is Max. Be nice to him."
The connection cut off to static before Avery could respond. She grabbed her summoner staff and twirled in, focusing.
~Elsewhere~
"Shiva, got any threes?" Bahamut said telepathically to the Ice Goddess.
"Go fish. Ohohoho!" Shiva laughed deeply and Bahamut grumbled about fire and ice and the result of him breathing on her before drawing a card.
"Ifrit, got any kings?" Valefor asked, wings waving slightly.
"ARGH! CHEATER!" Ifrit roared, grabbing the table which burned quickly in his claws.
~***~
"My dear Avy-chan..." Lucia sighed in mock-pity before turning to her servant.
"Who's next, Lucy?"
"The Baka Brit."
~***~
Samuel McShannock was training, as usual, in his AuthorSpace home. He ran the length of the virtual fight simulator, sword in his left hand and a revolver in his right. A rabid, untamed muse jumped out at him unexpectedly.
"Damn!" He jumped and rolled away, shooting it once then bringing his sword to stab it. Growling with frustration, Samuel hit a red panel on the wall and the training sim shut down. Why had that muse get loaded in?
He sat in front of the CPU and brought up the program. No record of a muse fighter.
"Oh well. I'll ask Lu for an explanation. She loves this tricky crap." he laced his finger behind his head, leaning back tiredly.
DING DONG!
"Who's here at this hour?" Samuel wondered, standing and jogging to the front door. He opened it without delay and his eyes widened.
"Hello, Mr. McShannock. We're here from AT&T, phone company." A man who looked just like a Matrix Agent said calmly, pulling out a sheet of paper.
"Wh-what's the problem?"
"The problem, Mr. McShannock, is that you have a bill over one point five million American dollars."
"Wh-wh-WHAT?! That's not possible!" Samuel staggered back, shocked.
"Well, is seems you placed a five-day long call to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Milliways. Taking into account the long distance and the change in the space-time field, it added up to several hundred dollars a second." One of the other 'agent' guys said.
"I don't have that kind of money."
"We know that, McShannock. So we're here for you."
Samuel's eyes widened again, "You're not bill collectors- you're bounty hunters!"
The trio of bounty hunters nodded before reaching behind them and pulling out three Sigs. Samuel yelped as if he'd been hit with a arrow of fire before running for his life.
~***~
"That was interesting...." Kenoshoro admitted, watching the screen as Samuel escaped his house, now on fire for some reason, and ran down the street. The agents were in close pursuit. "Where did it come from?"
"Something Ford Prefect did to try and bankrupt someone."
"Fucking weirdo."
"Next victim!" Lucia yelled, ignoring her cabbit-whatever hybrid of a first mate.
"Who, my lady?" he replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"My lesbian sister." Lucia laughed. "Oh how I do find the weirdos!"
~***~
Yet another alarm clock was destroyed when Nueva Yi Maxwell, one of the Ruling Triad of the Clan with the official title as the Head Female, slammed a clenched fist onto hers, rolling over to get a few more minutes...
'Why do I feel I'm forgetting something?' she wondered after a few minutes, turning onto her back and staring at the ceiling like the location of the Philosophers Stone[2] was there. Then it hit her.
"April's here! God bless you, Lucy-chan!" Nueva jumped up, pulling on a night robe and opening her bedroom door. How fun, to hear the accounts of her little brother getting hit by his lolita? Too much to pass up.
She froze as she passed her kitchen table. A remote she didn't recognize was haphazardly on the table. She picked it up, looked around for her roomie. Not here.... So out of curiosity, she hit the remote's on button.
"Heeeeeellllllloooo! How are we today?" a very cheerful voice called out. Nueva jumped in surprise, looking around. Silence.
"Hello?"
"Hello, hello, hello! And who might you be?" the voice replied in the same sunny tone.
"Erm. Nueva?" Nueva responded hesitantly, looking around for the sound source. "Who and where are you?"
"I'm your couch, but you can call me Eddie! I'll be your couch today!" a noise undoubtably from the vicinity of the couch chirped.
"You're...."
"Your couch, Eddie. Yep!"
"You can talk?"
"Of course. I'm a pleasant perso- I mean, inanimate object and now I serve you!"
"Great. Okidoki..." Nueva pointed the remote to the giggling piece of cloth and padding and hit the power button again.
"Who woke me up?!" a much more grumpy voice said. Nueva followed it to the kitchen and stared at her sink's faucet as in swore loudly. "Minding my own damn business and some Canadian idiot comes and does something stupid."
"Great.... " Nueva hissed, lightly setting the remote down and scratching the back of her neck in confusion. Lucia was obviously to blame, but that wasn't important. What mattered now was how to get rid of these strange personalities in her most used appliances.
"I'll get you for this, Lucia. I'll get you!"
"Stop yelling! I'm trying to sleep!"
~***~
"Wow. She took it well."
"Very. That's Nueva-dono for you." Lucia smiled proudly at the monitor, very pleased at Nueva's cool-headedness.
"And then there was one."
"Saved the best for last, huh?"
"No. Talon's lazy and gets up late when he's off school."
Kenoshoro promptly facefaulted.
~***~
He was gonna die!
No, his calmer side told him. Lucia would never kill him- well, unless he did something really, really stupid. Lucia loved him, he told himself. He'd live through this.
Significantly more at peace with the idea of opening his eyes and facing the terrible day, he did so. Andrew Joshua Talon sat up and looked quietly around his room. Nothing out of place yet. Throwing on a green long sleeved shirt and khaki jeans, he cautiously started sneaking around the house, SGC issue Zat Gun in hand and ready.
~
Lucia toppled off her chair watching Andrew walked around like he was 007. Rolling into closets, aiming around corners, using mirrors to enlighten his situation at doorways.
"Hey, Lu. You gotta hand it to him. The guys paranoid, but through." Keno smiled, raising an eyebrow and the American slammed open his front door after a girl scout rang the bell and sending her screaming by trying to zap her.
~
"Crap, I think she might have been an actual scout...." Andrew grumbled as he walked less erratically to the kitchen. He let out a gasp.
"GOT YOU!" Talon aimed and shot a paper bakery bag on the counter three times, causing it to evaporate and be gone. "I WIN! Whahaha!" Talon danced in place a bit and dropped his Zat on the sofa and grabbing his laptop. Might as well gloat at Lucia and ruin her fun.
He logged onto his hotmail account and looked at the inbox. One message.... was that junk mail? Well, if it got through his spam shield it deserved to be read, he decided and clicked.
"'The job of your dreams is here Andrew Talon!' Owner of Playboy, am I?" Talon flinched at the thought of the beating his lolita would give him if she heard that. "' Good pay, see the world, meet people of alien races, talk to facinating people, and explore the galaxy'? Doesn't sound too bad. 'Try us for one week, receive double pay in that time and decide if you want to be part of InterGalatic Flights'?!"
Talon's eyes glazed over as he imagine flying models, celebrities, and high class people around in a space ship. Spend time in the resorts of Pokitaru.... He eyes re-read the agreement. "'One week.'"
His sanity leaving him, he clicked the 'I agree' button.
He felt himself dematerialize instantly.
~
He opened his eyes and looked around. An executive's chair was just in front of him, past a grey desk. The chair was turned away and he could hear laughter.
"So she came through on our deal. I swear, she's either a devil or an angel..." A slimy voice said and Talon already didn't like his situation. Just the sound of this guy's voice sounded rude and wrong.
"Who are you and where the heck am I?" the miffed Coloradian demanded, pushing his glasses further up his nose.
"The name's Rockford Indigoi, job manager of InterGalatic Airlines. This is the Universe's Airport." the chair turned and a tall, gangly looking creature with scaley purple skin blinked his beady snake-like eyes at the author.
Talon gasped (that's happening a lot, ka?) at the location name. The Universe Airport was famous for being almost as impossible as Milliways. It was a huge airport run by an Infinite Improbability Drive so it was at any point in the cosmos at any one time but also no where at any time. Planes taking off from here were famous for flights less than an hour long, but it was expensive.
"And why am I here?" Talon finally asked.
The lizard-manager inhaled from his cigarette and blew the smoke at Talon, who's eyes watered. "You accept the agreement." As he spoke, electronic, steel braces snapped onto Andrew's wrists and ankles. "Your our new Lost Luggage Claim Man."
"NOOOOO!"
~
Clad in a bright orange, ugly, itchy uniform, Talon rubbed his enslavement braces as he put up with screaming babies, coke-totting punks, a few desperate salesmen, and many other wackos needing luggage/drugs.
After an hour, his head was pounding from getting yelled at by the ugliest female alien to live, he was sure with her wrinkled, sour-milk smelling, pea-soup green skin. He leaned forward on his little desk and closed his eyes. He'd go get some aspirin, but the cuffs on his ankles and wrists held him in his spot.
"Excuse me, sir-"
"Can I help you?" Talon snapped, looking up at a girl at 5'6, with sunglasses, a black trenchcoat hiding..... a.... silver shotgun..... and straight raven.... hair....
"Lucia! I'll kill you!" Talon dove forward, trying to grab the younger authoress. As his hand passed in front of the desk, he received a painful shock in his arm and recoiled, flinching.
"I'm sure." Lucia pulled off the sunglasses and looked very pleased. "I hope you enjoy this great job. Has damn good pay."
"No amount of pay can make this hellhole worthwhile." Talon growled back, glaring heavily.
"I suggest you get used to it. You're to stay here for a week, tomobito." Lucia rubbed a few specks of dirt off the sunglasses in a preoccupied manner. Slipping them back on, she leaned forward and grabbed Talon's collar, pulling him closer. "And you will not escape. Because you know I've prepared something much worse than this for cheaters. Got it?"
Talon gulped and nodded slowly, trying not to blink.
"Good boy." she released him and grinned, turning.
"Wa-wait! You're just gonna leave me here?" he whined pitifully. Lucia stopped and turned back to him.
"Yep." she kissed him lightly on the cheek before pivoting and swaggering out of the airport.
Talon groaned, frustrated at his current predicament. Murphy's Law struck again.
~***~
Lucia beamed back to the ship to see Lance, her partner in crime, waiting for her. "Very nice, Lu. I enjoyed helping out and watching." Lance said, slinging a friendly arm over the Italian's shoulder.
"I'm not done though, Lancey-boy." Lucia shrugged the arm off. Lance blinked in surprise.
"You're not?"
"Nope. KENOSHORO! Activate the final prank!"
A light flashed and faded away. Lucia turned to the her Mexican food-loving 'ally' and grinned. "What do you think?"
"Tahw fo kniht I od tahw?" He replied before freezing.... he spoke.... backwards.
"ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
~***~
Having dropped Lance off after shooting the raging Californian with several elephant tranquilizers, Lucia slumped into her seat, very pleased with herself. She sipped a Virgin Pina Colada and sighed dreamily.
"So what now, Captain Lu?" Keno asked, standing by her seat. Her eyes blearily opened and winked at the muse.
"Build a bomb shelter, of course." she declared before knocking back the drink and leaving the room in a sprint.
Kenoshoro shook his head in amusement, climbing into her vacated seat, knowing fully well she'd be running for her life for the next month. He smiled ruefully. "And may this live as the greatest April Fools Day Extravaganza to the human world."
(^.^) (^.^) (^.^)
A/Ns:
[1] HAL, for those of you who live under garden rocks, is the evil computer of Death from '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It is the original person/thing to say the well known lines: "What are you doing, Dave?" and "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that." He killed off people since her was the shipboard CPU. Scary, how much I like him, ka?
[2] The Philosophers Stone, for you HP fans, is actually a stone with the ability to turn any metal to gold. No, not just a plot device in a novel.
Response Fic Rules (Follow or Perish!)
1. No physically harming me in response. Be nice. Feel free to follow Talon's example last year and get me back though.
2. Only you can dispel your prank's effects. So no-one going and saying "I've banished all the clan's pranks! Take that Lu!" Nuh-uh.
3. If you don't like my rules, don't participate. If you do want to reply, follow my guidelines. No Mary-Sueing. You play my game, you play by my rules.
For the layman's term on what's happened to you, here's a guide:
Avery: House is transported to a remote mountainous region. All contacts are jammed. Only route of escape is a donkey and a winding road.
Samuel: Being hunted by potentially fatal and immortal tax collectors for not paying a phone bill.
Talon: One week working, by contract, as the Universe's Luggage Claim man. I do pity you.
Silver: A cute, adorable, helpless cabbit for a week! Yes; Cute. Adorable. Helpless. Everything you hate! ^.^
Nueva: Different personality to each of your main appliances.
Lance: Speaking backwards. It was that or take away your ability to say consonants!
Enjoy!
A T2M Clan Authorfic
Authored by: Lucia I. L. Tanaka
Summary: You knew it was coming... This time with better pranks, more people, and more laughs (I hope)! Remember Clanmates, follow Talon's example and hit me back! I'll enjoy it!
Author Notes:
Lu: Yo, everyone!
Keno: Lord have mercy on your soul.
Lu: Oh shut up.
Keno: Shall we?
Lu: Yes. Let's. It's April 1st, baby! And the Evil Mastermind in me is lovin' it! Enjoy the torture!
~*~
A sudden hush befell the Clan when April First rolled around. It was a day they all dreaded. A sense of fear was installed into them since last year's attacks.
For those who don't know, My name is Lucia Iris Legaia Tanaka. Ms. Tanaka to most. I am the Deputy Head Female of the T2M Clan and the Terror of April. You probably haven't heard from me in a while. My apologies. But this isn't about my disappearance. This is about the return of the Kuromaru and the events that follow.
~*~
"KENOSHORO!" a deep, young voice yelled from the Desert Rose's bridge area. The worker muses flinched at their Captain's screaming. But they were used to it by now. When she was angry, Lucia Tanaka yelled. Lucia got angry often.
The treated oak door flew open and the three and a half foot tall cabbit rushed in, frantically pulling on his First Matesman coat on, a handsome red tunic with a orange jacket over top, and tying his head's hair, longer than normal, back at the same time.
"What could you possibly need at seven A.M!" The servant shrieked in annoyance.
"A good stiff drink and a Indiana Jones flick." the American joked, collapsing unceremoniously into her chair. "Harrison Ford was real hot."
Keno's mouth dropped. "You called me here in the ungodly hours of the morning to tell me about your weird hobbies?"
"No. But if I did go into detail about my hobbies, you'd need therapy."
"That's so reassuring from someone who could overthrow Russia."
"I can take Russia, no sweat. Now, my darling NYC. . . different story altogether." Lucia smiled at the thought of owning NYC and sighed happily.
"Lu..."
"Oh right!" she shook her head and straightened her captain's hat. "You ready?"
"For what?" Keno looked confused and irritated.
"What do you mean 'for what'? Don't you have a calendar?"
Keno blinked and furrowed his brow. A minute later his eyebrows rose a few centimeters. "April's here!"
"Fabulous deduction, Tracy. Now let's get started! Activate the monitoring terminals seven through thirteen. Activate the Anti-Psionic and Anti-Author fields. Get us cloaked and as far away for all T2M member locations as possible." Lucia cried out happily.
Kenoshoro dashed around the room activating things and changing the Desert Rose's course. "Aye, Captain! Who wakes up first?" he was standing, ready to focus the terminals on the early risers.
Lucia cackled with delight. "Our dear friend, the Shinimegami!"
Keno shook his head. "I hope you have adequate health insurance."
~
A loud alarm sounded sharply at 4:45 am. Outside her window was dark grey and murky, most unlike what people thought of California. Plumed stormy clouds hovered, threatening heavy rain.
Silver Raye Adams didn't care. The Shinimegami hated sunshine anyway. Hurt her keen eyes. She sat up, slamming a fist onto her radio that was daring to blare some peppy love ballad. If it wasn't Jpop, she didn't want to hear it.
She swung her feet over the bed's side and into a pair of penguin slippers before yawning and stretching long then going downstairs. Coffee sounded good at the moment.
No one was around, but the place was a mess. The night before was a huge party of watching the complete series of LCL on DVD. Pocky boxes were empty and the Ramayana was gone, with some glass marbles scattered around. Silver sighed, wishing she had a competent muse to help her clean up. She stepped over a pile of discarded manga books and shuffled into the kitchen.
As she heated up water for coffee, the doorbell rang. Silver groaned in annoyance before checking the peephole and opening the door.
"What?"
"Oh- um. Sorry. I'm from UPS and have a package for a "Silver R. Adams". Is she present?" the delivery man said with a practiced smile. When Silver nodded, he offered her a pen and the write off form before handing her the package and bidding her good bye.
Lifting the light box onto the kitchen counter and grabbing and xacto knife, she slit the tape gone and tore open the box, expecting some kind of new manga she bought on eBay.
"Nani?"
All there was inside was a half-sphere made of steel. She cautiously lifted it out. Who sent her this.... thing? Suddenly she remembered. She turned to her calendar ($25 at Otakon) and looked at the date in horror.
"This isn't happening...." she said in terror, grabbing the small item with a pair of tongs from the shelf. She held it arms length ahead of her, eyeing it fearfully and cursing herself for not being more careful. She set the thing on the window sill, planning to open the glass, punch out the screening and shove the whatever-it-was down a few stories.
Suddenly, the smooth top of the dome opened on it's own and Silver shrieked, looking around in panic. Where was the baseball bat? Not seeing her weapon, she touched the dome tentatively, trying to push it back closed. "Go away, you piece of kuso..."
"I'm sorry, Silver. I can't do that." it thing said in a metallic voice.
"Lucia Legaia Tanaka, don't you dare!" Silver yelled, pivoting at running full speed away, trying to get to her door to hide.
"Too slow."
A beam of white light, thin and opaque, shot over to the Californian. Her back arched in shock as a numbing sensation ran down her spine and through out all her nerve endings. Her eyes exploded with light and slid closed as her body fell to the floor.
The HAL dome [1] closed and shut down, folding completely down into a flat-ish lump on the sill.
'Ow.... I'll kill that youkai lolita.... Once I find out what she did.' Silver thought murderously as she sat up, gazing through squinted eyes. Oh Kami.... He body felt weird. And she was short (well, shorter than usual). She sighed and looked around. Wow, she was really, really short.
Not good.
Silver decided first things first; self-assessment. Not something she was looking forward to. She finally opened her eyes full.
Fur.
Furry, fluffy feet. Cream-colored, furry, fluffy.... cabbit feet.
'NOOO! She wouldn't dare!'
Silver scrambled onto her four paws and ran across the room. Where, where... Coffee table had glass! Glass + her = reflection!
The small authoress hopped up awkwardly, using the same basic motions Ryo-ohki used so often. She slid a little bit around on the slick surface before she got her equilibrium and was able to examine herself.
The cutest cabbit in the universe, no doubt. Tan feet, cream torso fur, a pink nose, and amber eyes. Her ears were tied back with a silk, pink ribbon. She was declawed in all four paws and had small teeth. Utterly harmless.
A cabbit scream of fury ripped through the air.
~***~
Lucia slumped over her chair in laughter at the sight over the "Shinimegami" as the most kawaii of anime creatures. Kenoshoro couldn't help but smile as he erased the HAL dome's files so no trace could be found of them.
"Genius! Absolute brill! One whole week as a harmless, glompable thing!" Lucia downed her drink, an Long Island iced tea and swiped at her wet eyes.
"Who's next, Captain?"
"Our newest addition." Lucia cracked her knuckles and grinned with a long forgotten maleficence.
"I thought you dropped the evil prodigy thing." Keno glared, seeing the new look in her eyes. "That's a lot of therapy for nothing."
"Shut up."
~***~
In a house tucked away in Florida...
"Ow, leg cramp!"
Avery Yunalesca, newest member of the T2M Clan sat up on her couch, holding her knee and hissing. Last time she'd fall asleep playing FFX.... well, that was a lie, but she'd damn well try not to either way.
Sitting up and pulling her leg out from under her, Avery ran a brush briefly through her hair before standing unsteadily. An early morning Ramune sounded good right now. She straightened her twisted clothes and licked her dry lips, off in another world.
Until she passed her window and let out a gasp.
Instead of sunny road with cars passing by she saw mountains. Mountains as far as the eye could see, it seemed. Mist hovered around and there were no tree to see.
Feeling lightheaded, she sat down again and pushed her head between her knees, waiting for the bells in her head to stop. When the spots before her eyes were gone, she stood again and opened her door.
"Jeebus!" she shrieked as the cold air hit her. She ran back inside, jumping into a nearby coat before venturing back out.
Desolation. Nothing at all but gray ridges. She looked at her feet with a sigh and blinked. A pebble road was clearly sat out for her. She followed it a ways as it bent around the house and to another road, leading down a rough road of the mountains. In front of the said road stood something Avery instantly hated.
A mountain donkey, complete with harness.
"LUCIA! Lucia Tanaka, I know you can hear me!" Avery yelled out, looking frantically around for a video camera feed. No way the Kuromaru would miss this...
And Avery was proven right. "Hello, Avy-chan. Such a beautiful local, ka?" Lucia said between laughs. Avery's face was priceless.
"I'm new! I've barely made an appearance in the clan and you prank me!?"
"Ummmm. Yeah, that's about right." Lucia said in a calm tone, ignoring Avery's ugly words in Al Bhed.
"So what do you want from me?!"
"Straight to the point, huh? Alright, Avery-darling. I've disabled your summons and magic. You have no communication with the others from my jamming equipment."
"My only way out is...."
"The donkey. Yes." Lucia laughed hard at the distraught look on the summoner's face. "His name is Max. Be nice to him."
The connection cut off to static before Avery could respond. She grabbed her summoner staff and twirled in, focusing.
~Elsewhere~
"Shiva, got any threes?" Bahamut said telepathically to the Ice Goddess.
"Go fish. Ohohoho!" Shiva laughed deeply and Bahamut grumbled about fire and ice and the result of him breathing on her before drawing a card.
"Ifrit, got any kings?" Valefor asked, wings waving slightly.
"ARGH! CHEATER!" Ifrit roared, grabbing the table which burned quickly in his claws.
~***~
"My dear Avy-chan..." Lucia sighed in mock-pity before turning to her servant.
"Who's next, Lucy?"
"The Baka Brit."
~***~
Samuel McShannock was training, as usual, in his AuthorSpace home. He ran the length of the virtual fight simulator, sword in his left hand and a revolver in his right. A rabid, untamed muse jumped out at him unexpectedly.
"Damn!" He jumped and rolled away, shooting it once then bringing his sword to stab it. Growling with frustration, Samuel hit a red panel on the wall and the training sim shut down. Why had that muse get loaded in?
He sat in front of the CPU and brought up the program. No record of a muse fighter.
"Oh well. I'll ask Lu for an explanation. She loves this tricky crap." he laced his finger behind his head, leaning back tiredly.
DING DONG!
"Who's here at this hour?" Samuel wondered, standing and jogging to the front door. He opened it without delay and his eyes widened.
"Hello, Mr. McShannock. We're here from AT&T, phone company." A man who looked just like a Matrix Agent said calmly, pulling out a sheet of paper.
"Wh-what's the problem?"
"The problem, Mr. McShannock, is that you have a bill over one point five million American dollars."
"Wh-wh-WHAT?! That's not possible!" Samuel staggered back, shocked.
"Well, is seems you placed a five-day long call to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Milliways. Taking into account the long distance and the change in the space-time field, it added up to several hundred dollars a second." One of the other 'agent' guys said.
"I don't have that kind of money."
"We know that, McShannock. So we're here for you."
Samuel's eyes widened again, "You're not bill collectors- you're bounty hunters!"
The trio of bounty hunters nodded before reaching behind them and pulling out three Sigs. Samuel yelped as if he'd been hit with a arrow of fire before running for his life.
~***~
"That was interesting...." Kenoshoro admitted, watching the screen as Samuel escaped his house, now on fire for some reason, and ran down the street. The agents were in close pursuit. "Where did it come from?"
"Something Ford Prefect did to try and bankrupt someone."
"Fucking weirdo."
"Next victim!" Lucia yelled, ignoring her cabbit-whatever hybrid of a first mate.
"Who, my lady?" he replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"My lesbian sister." Lucia laughed. "Oh how I do find the weirdos!"
~***~
Yet another alarm clock was destroyed when Nueva Yi Maxwell, one of the Ruling Triad of the Clan with the official title as the Head Female, slammed a clenched fist onto hers, rolling over to get a few more minutes...
'Why do I feel I'm forgetting something?' she wondered after a few minutes, turning onto her back and staring at the ceiling like the location of the Philosophers Stone[2] was there. Then it hit her.
"April's here! God bless you, Lucy-chan!" Nueva jumped up, pulling on a night robe and opening her bedroom door. How fun, to hear the accounts of her little brother getting hit by his lolita? Too much to pass up.
She froze as she passed her kitchen table. A remote she didn't recognize was haphazardly on the table. She picked it up, looked around for her roomie. Not here.... So out of curiosity, she hit the remote's on button.
"Heeeeeellllllloooo! How are we today?" a very cheerful voice called out. Nueva jumped in surprise, looking around. Silence.
"Hello?"
"Hello, hello, hello! And who might you be?" the voice replied in the same sunny tone.
"Erm. Nueva?" Nueva responded hesitantly, looking around for the sound source. "Who and where are you?"
"I'm your couch, but you can call me Eddie! I'll be your couch today!" a noise undoubtably from the vicinity of the couch chirped.
"You're...."
"Your couch, Eddie. Yep!"
"You can talk?"
"Of course. I'm a pleasant perso- I mean, inanimate object and now I serve you!"
"Great. Okidoki..." Nueva pointed the remote to the giggling piece of cloth and padding and hit the power button again.
"Who woke me up?!" a much more grumpy voice said. Nueva followed it to the kitchen and stared at her sink's faucet as in swore loudly. "Minding my own damn business and some Canadian idiot comes and does something stupid."
"Great.... " Nueva hissed, lightly setting the remote down and scratching the back of her neck in confusion. Lucia was obviously to blame, but that wasn't important. What mattered now was how to get rid of these strange personalities in her most used appliances.
"I'll get you for this, Lucia. I'll get you!"
"Stop yelling! I'm trying to sleep!"
~***~
"Wow. She took it well."
"Very. That's Nueva-dono for you." Lucia smiled proudly at the monitor, very pleased at Nueva's cool-headedness.
"And then there was one."
"Saved the best for last, huh?"
"No. Talon's lazy and gets up late when he's off school."
Kenoshoro promptly facefaulted.
~***~
He was gonna die!
No, his calmer side told him. Lucia would never kill him- well, unless he did something really, really stupid. Lucia loved him, he told himself. He'd live through this.
Significantly more at peace with the idea of opening his eyes and facing the terrible day, he did so. Andrew Joshua Talon sat up and looked quietly around his room. Nothing out of place yet. Throwing on a green long sleeved shirt and khaki jeans, he cautiously started sneaking around the house, SGC issue Zat Gun in hand and ready.
~
Lucia toppled off her chair watching Andrew walked around like he was 007. Rolling into closets, aiming around corners, using mirrors to enlighten his situation at doorways.
"Hey, Lu. You gotta hand it to him. The guys paranoid, but through." Keno smiled, raising an eyebrow and the American slammed open his front door after a girl scout rang the bell and sending her screaming by trying to zap her.
~
"Crap, I think she might have been an actual scout...." Andrew grumbled as he walked less erratically to the kitchen. He let out a gasp.
"GOT YOU!" Talon aimed and shot a paper bakery bag on the counter three times, causing it to evaporate and be gone. "I WIN! Whahaha!" Talon danced in place a bit and dropped his Zat on the sofa and grabbing his laptop. Might as well gloat at Lucia and ruin her fun.
He logged onto his hotmail account and looked at the inbox. One message.... was that junk mail? Well, if it got through his spam shield it deserved to be read, he decided and clicked.
"'The job of your dreams is here Andrew Talon!' Owner of Playboy, am I?" Talon flinched at the thought of the beating his lolita would give him if she heard that. "' Good pay, see the world, meet people of alien races, talk to facinating people, and explore the galaxy'? Doesn't sound too bad. 'Try us for one week, receive double pay in that time and decide if you want to be part of InterGalatic Flights'?!"
Talon's eyes glazed over as he imagine flying models, celebrities, and high class people around in a space ship. Spend time in the resorts of Pokitaru.... He eyes re-read the agreement. "'One week.'"
His sanity leaving him, he clicked the 'I agree' button.
He felt himself dematerialize instantly.
~
He opened his eyes and looked around. An executive's chair was just in front of him, past a grey desk. The chair was turned away and he could hear laughter.
"So she came through on our deal. I swear, she's either a devil or an angel..." A slimy voice said and Talon already didn't like his situation. Just the sound of this guy's voice sounded rude and wrong.
"Who are you and where the heck am I?" the miffed Coloradian demanded, pushing his glasses further up his nose.
"The name's Rockford Indigoi, job manager of InterGalatic Airlines. This is the Universe's Airport." the chair turned and a tall, gangly looking creature with scaley purple skin blinked his beady snake-like eyes at the author.
Talon gasped (that's happening a lot, ka?) at the location name. The Universe Airport was famous for being almost as impossible as Milliways. It was a huge airport run by an Infinite Improbability Drive so it was at any point in the cosmos at any one time but also no where at any time. Planes taking off from here were famous for flights less than an hour long, but it was expensive.
"And why am I here?" Talon finally asked.
The lizard-manager inhaled from his cigarette and blew the smoke at Talon, who's eyes watered. "You accept the agreement." As he spoke, electronic, steel braces snapped onto Andrew's wrists and ankles. "Your our new Lost Luggage Claim Man."
"NOOOOO!"
~
Clad in a bright orange, ugly, itchy uniform, Talon rubbed his enslavement braces as he put up with screaming babies, coke-totting punks, a few desperate salesmen, and many other wackos needing luggage/drugs.
After an hour, his head was pounding from getting yelled at by the ugliest female alien to live, he was sure with her wrinkled, sour-milk smelling, pea-soup green skin. He leaned forward on his little desk and closed his eyes. He'd go get some aspirin, but the cuffs on his ankles and wrists held him in his spot.
"Excuse me, sir-"
"Can I help you?" Talon snapped, looking up at a girl at 5'6, with sunglasses, a black trenchcoat hiding..... a.... silver shotgun..... and straight raven.... hair....
"Lucia! I'll kill you!" Talon dove forward, trying to grab the younger authoress. As his hand passed in front of the desk, he received a painful shock in his arm and recoiled, flinching.
"I'm sure." Lucia pulled off the sunglasses and looked very pleased. "I hope you enjoy this great job. Has damn good pay."
"No amount of pay can make this hellhole worthwhile." Talon growled back, glaring heavily.
"I suggest you get used to it. You're to stay here for a week, tomobito." Lucia rubbed a few specks of dirt off the sunglasses in a preoccupied manner. Slipping them back on, she leaned forward and grabbed Talon's collar, pulling him closer. "And you will not escape. Because you know I've prepared something much worse than this for cheaters. Got it?"
Talon gulped and nodded slowly, trying not to blink.
"Good boy." she released him and grinned, turning.
"Wa-wait! You're just gonna leave me here?" he whined pitifully. Lucia stopped and turned back to him.
"Yep." she kissed him lightly on the cheek before pivoting and swaggering out of the airport.
Talon groaned, frustrated at his current predicament. Murphy's Law struck again.
~***~
Lucia beamed back to the ship to see Lance, her partner in crime, waiting for her. "Very nice, Lu. I enjoyed helping out and watching." Lance said, slinging a friendly arm over the Italian's shoulder.
"I'm not done though, Lancey-boy." Lucia shrugged the arm off. Lance blinked in surprise.
"You're not?"
"Nope. KENOSHORO! Activate the final prank!"
A light flashed and faded away. Lucia turned to the her Mexican food-loving 'ally' and grinned. "What do you think?"
"Tahw fo kniht I od tahw?" He replied before freezing.... he spoke.... backwards.
"ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
~***~
Having dropped Lance off after shooting the raging Californian with several elephant tranquilizers, Lucia slumped into her seat, very pleased with herself. She sipped a Virgin Pina Colada and sighed dreamily.
"So what now, Captain Lu?" Keno asked, standing by her seat. Her eyes blearily opened and winked at the muse.
"Build a bomb shelter, of course." she declared before knocking back the drink and leaving the room in a sprint.
Kenoshoro shook his head in amusement, climbing into her vacated seat, knowing fully well she'd be running for her life for the next month. He smiled ruefully. "And may this live as the greatest April Fools Day Extravaganza to the human world."
(^.^) (^.^) (^.^)
A/Ns:
[1] HAL, for those of you who live under garden rocks, is the evil computer of Death from '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It is the original person/thing to say the well known lines: "What are you doing, Dave?" and "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that." He killed off people since her was the shipboard CPU. Scary, how much I like him, ka?
[2] The Philosophers Stone, for you HP fans, is actually a stone with the ability to turn any metal to gold. No, not just a plot device in a novel.
Response Fic Rules (Follow or Perish!)
1. No physically harming me in response. Be nice. Feel free to follow Talon's example last year and get me back though.
2. Only you can dispel your prank's effects. So no-one going and saying "I've banished all the clan's pranks! Take that Lu!" Nuh-uh.
3. If you don't like my rules, don't participate. If you do want to reply, follow my guidelines. No Mary-Sueing. You play my game, you play by my rules.
For the layman's term on what's happened to you, here's a guide:
Avery: House is transported to a remote mountainous region. All contacts are jammed. Only route of escape is a donkey and a winding road.
Samuel: Being hunted by potentially fatal and immortal tax collectors for not paying a phone bill.
Talon: One week working, by contract, as the Universe's Luggage Claim man. I do pity you.
Silver: A cute, adorable, helpless cabbit for a week! Yes; Cute. Adorable. Helpless. Everything you hate! ^.^
Nueva: Different personality to each of your main appliances.
Lance: Speaking backwards. It was that or take away your ability to say consonants!
Enjoy!