the lock with no key

by Yui Miyamoto

An older Tatsuha tries to persist on trying to uncover the part of Ryuichi that even he can't seem to reach.

Fandom: Gravitation
Pairing: Ryuichi x Tatsuha
Title: the lock with no key.
Description - An older Tatsuha tries to persist on trying to uncover the part of Ryuichi that even he can't seem to reach.

Disclaimer - Gravitation isn't mine, but the poems/'songs' and Shinya are. ^_^

the lock with no key.
by miyamoto yui

And the song repeats once more.

The piano plays throughout our whole house as the song blasts through the walls, filling the air with bits of frosty melancholy. However, it is summer and the only illumination within the four-cornered living room is a single candle in the middle of the room.

A wind chime's erratic melody is harmonizing in and out with the piano.

He's lying on the floor in a fetal position, hugging Kumagorou while biting the bunny's pink ear at the same time. I know I should leave him alone when he says that he needs time to make music.
I also know that I shouldn't interrupt him when he's in a slump and immersing himself in his work room with the lyric papers scattered all over the table.

I go over and stand by the large table covered in loose leafs of white paper that have lines and stanzas written on them, but they're mixed in with blank papers and drawings, images he wants to put into words. I glance over at him as this five minute and four second song pushes deeper and deeper inside while the singer tries his best to sing out strongly with his soft, persuasive voice.
And yet, the papers don't slip to the ground and the singer is still stuck within the speakers, short of a concert performance in which he's still trying to reach out as far as his voice can carry into both of our hearts.

"It's always this song." I say to myself as I glance at my idol lying on the ground all curled up.
I still don't understand why it is always this song he comes back to after the millions he's listened to and the billions he's sung in so many different styles.

"I need the total feel, but I can't catch it," Ryuichi said to me before leaving the bedroom, inspired at the moment to make a song for his new album.

"The bed feels too wide without you there, you know," I want to complain as my eyes watch his scrunch up in contemplation or pain.

But I know better.
You don't interrupt Ryuichi while he's concentrating hard on his art piece.

And I wonder, does Eiri Ni-chan have this problem with Shuichi as well? If not worse?

But for Ryuichi, this is a place I can't ever reach no matter how much I try. I may know all his mannerisms until the kinds of words that can mark the difference between a mood swinging from depressed to happy or make him react adversely with critical, harsh eyes. He's never been violent with me, but that doesn't mean that he won't take it out on his music, or other important things.

/"You keep him balanced," K-san said with a gun pointed at me jokingly. "He never listens to anyone. Not even to me. Damn brat still drank juice when I told him not to..."
He scratched his head while we watched Ryuichi running all over the television studio he was going to perform for that day. He winked at me while throwing Kumagorou to me for safe keeping.
"Are you still bitter over that?" Ryuichi whizzed by while I placed the red lollipop into his mouth. "You. Eat this. Don't break anything or else."

He pouted as he blinked at K and at me. Then, his eyes changed slightly. He gave me a hard look. "Are you telling me what to do, Tatsuha?"
I shook my head as I sighed. I stepped closer and bit on his ear, "If you get hurt, who am I going to play with later?"
Immediately he stood there, fascinated with his lollipop.

K lifted up his gun into the air and laughed maniacally. "See?"

Later, Ryu licked that thing while singing to the camera with those dangerous eyes always glancing back at me. By the time it was over, he ran out of the stage and laughed while grabbing Kuma into his left arm and pulling my wrist with his right hand.
"Kuma and kuma!" He said down the hallway.
He closed the door behind him and said for Kuma to be good on the couch. He then pulled me into the small enclosure of the warm, clean bathroom, kissing my mouth while pushing his knee in between both of my legs.

I thought as his lips sucked on my left nipple, "I don't understand, K-san. It's hard not to get caught in his pace. And I want to be here..."

"Ryuichi..." I winced as I felt his tongue over my abdomen.

This wasn't his usual kiss, though. It tasted salty despite the sweetness of the cherry lollipop. He had remembered something while singing.../

That place I couldn't reach again.

And so, how can I just leave him here as he was reliving a sad memory that he can't even tell me no matter how honest we both are to each other?

I take off my pajama top and put it over him, but he turns to face me in order to grab my arm.
He's been awake all this time.

And all the while, he's been crying.

I kneel next to him as he stares at me.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.
I can deal with all the sides of Ryuichi except this one.

The lock with no key.

This is the one that lives in the past that I'm not a part of,
a part that I can't seem to save no matter how much I try.

/"Why are you always quiet when I ask you? Don't you trust me?"
"It isn't that, Tatsuha," he said while running his fingers through my hair while we stood in line at the amusement park waiting to get ice cream. "I'll tell you later. I promise."
"You always tell me that, but it's never the right time."
"These are things I don't like talking about."
"But I want to know more about you."
"Can't you just enjoy our moment now?"
"I've told you everything about me. This...isn't fair, Ryu~."
"There are things that are best kept under stitches, even if the wounds can always be unbound." His hand cupped over my chin. "Please don't ask me anymore."

I got out of the line.

"Why do you sometimes treat me like a little kid that doesn't know anything? Why does it always come back to our age difference and experiences?"
I turned around to leave him completely, but he told me, "It's because you'll understand that I'm scared."
"Why is that?"
"Because I don't trust myself with you."

At that moment, I faced him once more with tears in his eyes with the light coming through his sunglasses. His tight lips were unable to say another word.

And I went over and poked his forehead. "I trust you even if you don't trust yourself, kami-sama."
I kissed the mini Kumagorou dangling on his earring. Afterwards, I shook my head while clasping his hand onto mine, ignoring all the people staring at us.
We waited again in the line of crazy teenagers wanting ice cream in the dead of winter.

"Here," I said while holding the cone out to him as he sniffed and ate with a smile.
We alternated licking the Neopolitan special until there was nothing left./

He looks like a lost little kid as his fingers hold onto me even tighter with my dark green top spread over his unbuttoned shirt that had exposed his chest and waist. And then he blinks and the tears fall to the ground. I lean down to kiss the trails and taste them.
Ryu lets go of my arm. Both of his hands reach out to hold my face in between them.

"Sit down, Tatsu. Maybe you'll be able to help me this time," he tells me as his eyes subdue into something a little bit more mature and serious, but all together hazy.

"Close your eyes," he instructs while kneeling in back of me with his hands on my shoulders. "And don't say a word."
He waits until the song starts all over again.

"Fresh, wet,
dyed fingertips.
I lean forward to,
to kiss and
lick them clean.

The silence within my ears
ignores the entropy
of the screaming outside
our intertwined bodies.

You've already closed your eyes
and you shiver from side to side
while I watch you writhe
beneath my warm lips.

And yet, no matter how close you are,
you're so damn far away.

I'm losing you all over again."

He slides his hands gradually over my shoulders and onto my upper arms. His chin rests lightly on my right shoulder while singing the song softly into my ear with his own passive-aggressive style, different from Shinya's original version.
His hands rub gently onto both of my forearms and he places his palms over the top of my hands.

I feel the warmth on my back as he presses his chest against it while his voice becomes a little louder, blocking out even Shinya's voice. I become more aware of Ryu's new, yet strangely familiar voice pouring through my ears like water peacefully going down a waterfall in its soothing chaos.
His arms are over mine as if we're joined.

I feel pliable like clay, but with a definite shape in his mind. I'm a puppet that a carpenter has just created into life.

"There's nothing left, is there?
Your fingertips are growing blue
and you become pallid from
exhaustion.

You're still holding onto
my hand as I cry onto your face.
You're clinging onto
the metal in your fingers
and pushing the scar on my palm
further and further
while draining away."

Ryuichi motions for my hands to cross over and touch my neck. They uncross again while gradually going down my chest. I'm lost in his voice as he holds me tighter with my own hands pressed closely onto my stomach.
And that's where the left and right hands part. The left one goes further down and into my pajama bottoms while the right hand goes up my chest again. Our fingers are intertwined halfway while the tips touch my neck and go up my chin.

My body shivers from the cold of the sadness of the song and the alternating heat of both of our bodies.
As I'm about to say his name, as if timed, his index and middle finger touch my tongue.

"They say that you're no longer here,
but I'm holding onto you right now, aren't I?
You're just cold because I've
not closed the windows
and let the winter come in carelessly.

/Dead. This person is no more./
The silence becomes embedded,
self-imposed deafened state.

They say it's sick to make love
to a body that is no longer 'living',
but doesn't everyone

do that,
even if they won't admit it,

within the realm

of their memories?

They just don't understand about us.
"Forever" means "Eternity",
living or not,
rotting or immortal."

While the piano plays alone without Shinya's voice, Ryuichi narrates, "In high school, when my parents were fighting, my mom happened to grab the first thing she thought she could throw at my dad. She broke all my cds, especially the one that my dad had especially given to me.

'That singer,' she shouted, but I didn't understand anything of the implications.
Until now, I still don't.

All I knew was that she broke the only thing that I valued most. No matter how many times she said sorry and I told her I forgave her, there was a scar left behind.

While they fought, I played this song loudly. Thank goodness I had a copy of it on my ratty old tape player.
And I would sit against the wall ignoring them while thinking I wouldn't ever fall in love. It ruined you and the person you wanted to be.
I didn't want to become people like them that would learn to hate one another.

But all the while, here I was covering my hand with something as dirty as well...

After all, who could love you that much? We were deceiving ourselves, right? In any shape or form, or from whomever it came from, there was no one who could love you so much. No one except yourself, right?
Maybe I was no better always thinking I wanted to be saved. Then, after a while, I just picked myself up and moved on, pretending that I could do everything alone.
And here you come...

...and I always wonder, 'When will he feel like leaving?'"

"We're all the same.
Just some pretend to be better,
but they won't ever discover..."

I want to say something, but he's singing again while my face feels hotter against his body. My breathing becomes faster and faster and I want to shout at why he always thinks like this no matter what I've done.

I know words don't mean anything after a while. They don't need to be said when it's always felt.

I know he's scared of breaking because he always tells me, "You are everything."
But what do I do? My childish optimism is getting caught in the reality of his experiences.

You are everything to me too.

I lean my head back as a gasp escapes from my mouth when he takes his fingers away and kisses me at the end of the song. He pulls his head back to breathe, but I clasp our hands over his neck to kiss me again.

"...the truth I found
falling in love
meant giving away sanity
for a bloodied crystal."

"Ryu..."
And as the song plays again, my whole body tenses up while leaning even deeper onto his chest.

"But then, on a rainy day, on one of our anniversaries, you run after me. You grab me from behind and put in my hands the first press cd I'd wanted all this time. I didn't ever buy another copy because it was too painful.
"After we fought, this was what you got me. Even writing a note that says, 'To my Ryu~, don't worry about the things you do. I want to count beyond 520. You promised me. Love, Tatsu.'"

I try to smile as the sweat pours down my face while my breathing fluctuates the more you touch me. "Ah..."

"That's what I'm meshing in my head. Something so horrible has now become something very wonderful. And I want to capture that feeling..."
His tone becomes melodious and dark as it did whenever he sang his sorrowful ballads when he tells me, "...without you next to me. Foolish me."

I shout as he whispers ideas for song lyrics while fully undressing our clothes and pressing his emotions into me. I hold onto his fingers tighter, taking it all in...

Now, as I open my blurry eyes, I'm lying naked on the floor with our blanket over me. I turn over to see him hunch over his desk as he writes his entire song out with a smile on his face. As the sun shines into the living room, Shinya's melody "Necrophiliac" isn't playing anymore.
Ryuichi's instrumental for the demo is.

I want to call Ni-chan and ask him if Shuichi is working hard on the songs for this 180th 'singles' challenge they put up against one another. Still, Shuichi hasn't won after all these years. Yet, I know it's Ryu's dream to see Shu pass him.

"Always beat your personal best or kill yourself for not doing that simple thing," Ryu always says to me whenever I complain about school or when Shu's going through his mood swings over another fight with Eiri Ni-chan.

So, I smile watching him work so hard and I know, slowly, I'm one step closer to creating my own key to opening that special, dusty door that's been sealed for so long.

Later on, Ryu and I sneak into NG Records in the middle of the night while he sings the song, "Night in love with Day" to me:

"Reading and reading,
I tried to distract myself.
I walked and I sang,
thinking that if I could just
get past this feeling
then everything would be all right.
But the longer it settled,
the more it made me cry.

My feelings set before me
in words said by other people.
I kept on reading,
bitter at the reality
that fairytales could never repress.
There were all my fears
naked as my transparent self
before your eyes.

There is nothing I can do
because it is so scary
to think that someone would
accept and love you wholly.
I'm so scared of breaking
the only thing that seems
to give me everything
out of my selfishness,
and I become an idiot
wanting to give everything
because there isn't anything
good enough to convey
my gratefulness.

And I keep on reading our story
said with black ink
and white paper.
We keep on extending the chapters
and I know all I can do is cry
because I've never really cried
out of happiness before.
So afraid of losing it all,
there are times I can't face you
because I want to devour you,
keep you locked in a room
for no one else to see.

My feelings aren't coming through,
They're patterns, shapes, and colors now.
The only thing I can do
is hold you as tightly as I can
while breathing into your ear.
Melt me...

melt all the unbreakable ice
that's been collecting
here inside of me.

And tell me all your sadness,
the ones you keep behind that smiling face,
the body that you said was so tired
that all you looked forward to
was your bed.

I keep counting the weeks.
We will make it past 520 weeks...

may you not ever regret this.

I don't think I can ever love anyone after you,
no matter what I say to anyone.
I've said these words before
not knowing their true meaning,
and it is something I've to face.

I want to believe your words;
it is me that's untrustworthy.
I fear that you'll hate me one day and think,
"Why? Why did I go with such a person?"

The smile I can see in my head so clearly,
if it disappeared,
I'd hate myself
for locking you away
as I had always wanted.

For you aren't one to be kept contained.

You are the sunshine after all."

I smirk as you pin my wrists against one of the windows of the recording studio.

Shuichi's lost this round again...

I laugh and you find it all the more enjoyable to devour me.

Maybe that's why you accepted me without fully knowing why, Ryu.
I knew the only way to get to you was to let you have all of me...

...and I could re-stitch the wounds with my teeth.

For they weren't 'yours' or 'mine' anymore,
they became 'ours'.

Owari. / The End.
-
Author's note: Whoa, four hours on a fic that suddenly came to me because I said today was my 'day off from school'. I wanted to do a piece that was very sensual, yet tender but putting another perspective to the Tatsuha and Ryuichi relationship.

^_^ Well, I'm very happy with it and that's all I have to say today.

Love always,
yui

Sunday, May 8, 2005
2:29 AM