fandom - Haru wo daiteita
title - years of waiting.
rating - pg-13
pairing - yukihito x sawa
description – In the middle of the night, Sawa-san experiences insomnia due to his anxiety over Yukihito growing up so quickly…
Disclaimer – Haru wo daiteita doesn't belong to me.
When there's no exit
but the way to hell,
I've nothing more to give
than my soul.
When I first opened my eyes to the world
there you were,
no matter how much I doubted
that you
ever existed
and wrote and wrote
to make you mine.
years of waiting.
By miyamoto yui
I'm a liar.
That's such a strong statement for me of all people to say, but I know myself better than anyone. And therefore, I know exactly how to rephrase my words to become advantageous and disadvantageous in any given situation.
Though I may believe in what I say, I'm still acting in front of many people. I sometimes try to trick myself into thinking that I can solve things by writing them out into scenarios within my plots.
But I know very well, above everything, I have my human doubts.
As I pushed the sliding door of the beach house, I looked on towards the ocean. And then, I closed the door behind me.
Without makeup, I felt naked. There was nothing but the face that I'd been born with, but I felt it was born to the wrong person. I never thought I'd still feel this way about myself until now.
Everyday, I dealt with people trying to sell myself and my facial expressions with the confident attitude that I put up as a survival mechanism, but I knew there was a core of fear inside of me.
That one day, it will all be taken away, no matter what I do.
Though this may seem unreasonable since I've worked so hard, I know that is how life is.
I held onto the railing and looked at the sea coming back and forth. There was a fog in the middle of the night and so it was a little chilly. Being stubborn, I refused to go back in. My eyes tried to make sense of what appeared to stretch into forever.
The fog wants to take you away with the bubbles of the sea. It wants to imprison you in its frigid beauty.
Yes, it says in between the crashes, you cannot ever take things for granted.
So, as much as I believe in him, I know I've taken something away from him also. Maybe it's just the multiple paths of the world and 'the way things should be', but where is happiness taken and where does it sprout? It still is a vision with a foundation from what we've known. And to start from somewhere no one knows is extremely scary.
I've looked at myself in the mirror a million times and I change every second.
I gripped onto the railing more.
Maybe I was experiencing this anxiety because of that story about a dancer who still danced for 'no one'. She had multiple personalities since she couldn't handle the stress of losing the one she loved dearly.
The sad thing was that the person she loved the most didn't die at all, he just changed into someone she couldn't recognize. But in her head, she was still the ballet student waiting for him to come back to life from a hiking accident long ago.
It made me think of the days that I would look up to the moon while I was studying in college. It was those times in the middle of the night where no one would bother me and I just needed to breathe. But in this silence, I would think of all the confusion in my head, who I was, what I was going to do, and the things that I couldn't change.
With no one to talk to, I was extremely lonely.
Sometimes, I didn't even want myself.
I walked out into the beach and felt the sand under my feet. I squatted down and touched the surface of the water with my palms.
"You are growing older, but you don't know yet," I whispered to the wind, as if he's there listening to me.
When you're young, you think that a plan is all you need in order to succeed. But you still don't know what the meaning of success is to you. (That's assuming that you even know who you are at this particular time.) You think that you're able to make your mind because of your steadfast mentality, but when you're faced with many options, you become extremely perplexed on not only what you want, but the consequences of living with that decision.
You think that if love is everything, then everything else falls into place.
When you become older, you realize all the things that you have take care of. You think to the point that you don't want to take the next step because you know it won't always lead to something good, but it must be done.
You grow up once you figure out that there are a lot of things you have to accept without questioning them because life's fair in its own ironic way.
Yes, you. I know that if you see me crying right now, that that isn't necessary. But I know that even though I hold my head up when I'm with you, there is really nothing I can offer you but my feelings. I live from novel to novel and you have to deal with the fact that you can't live as normal teenagers do, though I've tried my best to provide what I can.
But there's only so much I can do.
I let you go and do as you please, but there's still that hesitation. And though I trust you, human nature is a hard thing to push against.
When you were a child, I used to ask you what you wanted to be. You'd never answer me, but hid behind your mother.
Am I doing the same thing now?
I got up and wiped the tears away with the back of my hands. My tears were mixed. At the thought of losing you, my heart ached because I was able to become the kind of person I wanted to become because of you. I was able to pursue what I wanted with you quietly being supportive and always being by my side.
At the thought of having you, I'd never known that this kind of happiness ever existed.
After seeing the things I have…
Lives taken away.
Lives pardoned.
Innocence and guilt-ridden souls.
I became disillusioned with the world because of these things. It was natural for my to become colored by unnecessary negativity.
"Why aren't you in bed?" you asked as you stood a few feet behind me.
I laughed and answered, "I thought of something to write about, but I had to touch the sea to give me the feel that I wanted."
"Then why aren't you facing me as you tell me this?"
"What are you saying, Yukihito? I'm just researching in the middle of the night. See how beautiful the fog is? As if it's going to steal your soul away?" I kept on staring at the breathtaking scene before me even though the cold started to make my own blood freeze in small increments.
"That's why I came to get you. I thought you might be taken away."
I tried to make light of the situation even though I was touched.
As I'm about to say something, he took me into his arms and carried me.
"I knew you were crying." He sighed.
"I-" I stammered, trying my best to find something to say.
He shook his head. "Don't even try."
I shut my mouth. For him to intimidate me was a turn on in the worst way, and it didn't help that he kept on holding onto me tighter.
But when we reached the beach house, he threw me onto the bed.
"Yukihito?" I blinked my eyes curiously and yet, I was allthemore shocked as he reached over for one of my business ties and tied it firmly over my wrists and the bedposts.
I raised an eyebrow.
It was thrilling, but dangerous at the same time.
He closed his eyes as if he were trying to contemplate his thoughts with an irritated expression all over his red face. He climbed onto the bed and sat over my thighs as he pulled on the tie of my robe. Then, he took off his white t-shirt over his head and stared at me.
His eyes had become more and more beautiful while pronouncing all his other physical features like his cheeks.
The person I had known was not as timid as he'd always been…
One of his fingers traced the outline of my face, from my forehead to my chin. "You always think of me. And though I appreciate it, your consideration sometimes hurts me."
"Whatever I've done, I didn't mean to," I replied, lost in the whole situation. "And to you, of all people in the world."
"How about if someone touches you here?" He brushed his index finger and thumb over my right nipple. Then, he leaned down to kiss it. "Intentionally or accidentally…"
My face was becoming more and more red, having to see him this way. My blood was already boiling…
"When you talk to so many people because you're famous, don't you think I feel anxious too? Don't you think I get jealous too when you're smiling and laughing for everyone?" His fingers pushed the sides of the robes to reveal my naked body before him. "Shouldn't I have the right to keep them for myself? There are times I want to be selfish too."
He sighed as he shook his head.
"There are many counts against my favor because I'm young, but there are also a lot of disadvantages." He slid his body down and his lips touched my stomach.
When he lifted his head, he then sat on my lap..
He leaned forward, but had tears in eyes. "Don't you know I fear the day you'll say, 'I don't need you anymore' or 'I don't love you anymore'? 'Because you're young, you'll want someone else, that's how it is and I understand.' Isn't that what you want to say to me? Is this the excuse you want to use in order to get rid of me?"
I started to cry all over again at seeing him in so much pain.
Then, he raised his voice. For the first time ever, he actually looked at me with the most resolute eyes I'd ever seen and his voice was forceful.
"I could say so many things, but this is what I'll say to you once and for all! 'You don't mean anything to me.' That is the one thing I most fear because I'm young and you want to protect me so much that sometimes I become so confused if you value me as your equal!"
His tears fell onto my chest, and they penetrated to every part of me.
"I do. That's why I think about you so much…"
As he leaned down to kiss me on the lips, I lifted up my head to meet him halfway. But as I did so, he purposely swayed to one side and bit on my ear. "Today, I will prove it to you."
And I couldn't help but smile happily at the innocence of a man who tried his best to control me with a threatening voice.
"What are you laughing at?" His face broke out into a grin. Then, he licked my lower lip.
I shook my head and looked up to him wanting so badly to touch him, but my hands were tied up. When I realized again and again that I couldn't reach out to him, the more he would touch the back of my neck or under my rib with his gentle fingers, tickling these places slowly.
"I want more…" I would beg as he kissed my mouth with an evil smile to tease me…
Yes, little by little, ever since I met you, you were coming to dominate over me. But see, you started backwards, my love.
You were eating out my heart and working your way to my skin.
By the time you did, I already gave you everything and wondered what else was there to give…
…never knowing that was all you wanted from me.
I hope never again to betray you
in the midst of all our
compassionate honesty.
As you licked my neck from my collarbone up to my chin, you untied the first knot attached to the bedpost. Then, you tried to untie me, but I shook my head.
As I put my wrists over my head and over yours, you stopped me. You took my hands into yours and kissed each of my fingers.
"You always thought these hands betrayed you.
You stole the lipstick and put it on your lips.
You held onto me thinking I didn't like your touch.
You gave up everything with these hands."
Then, he kissed my palms.
"But to me, you create such wonderful worlds with these pretty hands.
You brought me back to life and I was able to talk again because of them.
And all that time, even before we moved out…"
You stared straight into me and then silently pulled my wrapped wrists over your head. While sobbing, you leaned forward and whispered into my ear, directly into my heart,
"…you didn't know I wanted to be touched by these hands in every way unimaginable."
I closed my eyes and cried all over again, washing all my doubts away.
"So in the end, they didn't betray you at all. You kindheartedness and sincerity wouldn't let you live in any other way. And I wanted to experience that. That's why when I was little, I couldn't tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up. What I wanted most to become was embarrassing.
I wanted to be the most special to the person I thought was the coolest and strongest in the world."
I opened my eyes to kiss you once more until it hurt so much you couldn't breathe,
trying so hard to erase the years of waiting to be understood.
Owari. / The End.
-
Author's note – Expected something twisty? Well, once in a while, I just go for plain sap. Because I'm really moody this week, I thought I'd something that would make me smile.
Waffy, that was the aim. ^^v
I really like this couple and they actually caught my attention first when I watched the OVA (my first real exposure to Haru). ^^v
This is thanks to you, Aja-san and sweetie, for giving me Haru! XD (If I think of something more, I'll attempt an Iwaki and Katou fic!)
Love,
Yui
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
1:26 AM