A/N: This concept came to me a few days ago, and I have no clue where it came from. I am still not over how season 17 ended, and more particular, the relationship between them. It has changed so much, and I guess I wanted to explore their relationship if it had drastically changed, which it has in this story.
Title from the story is from the song Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars.
And fair warning, it is angst and not happy if you want fluff or romance.
I don't own Law and Order: SVU!
~ Poison & Wine~
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
She has changed, she is different.
Being different shouldn't present a problem. Everyone changes, especially with their jobs. And sixteen years with SVU has proven to make her life chaotic. But her renewed determination for justice stems solely from the events that transpired over the last year.
The squad has been dragging itself through case after case, one more horrible than the next. But their newest case, in particular, their newest suspect proves to be her most difficult challenge yet. Which is fine. She has faced many challenges in her life. But this one may be the end of her. It is the one that tests her patience.
She is just off. And this new situation is cracking her resolve.
Because this scenario she never dreamed of. They used to be on the same side, they used to fight the same battle. And now he has switched sides, and it causes her voice to falter each time she attempts to express his name. There is no point of return for them.
Although they were once loyal to each other in pursuit of justice, Rafael Barba is now a defense attorney. And it still pisses her off. The dynamics have shifted and he now uses his skills and resources to free the guilty and help them evade justice. Gone are the days of late night take out in their respective offices as they work on cases, strategize on how to put the guilty away. Those days have evaporated.
He is the defense attorney of their latest suspect, and it makes her indifferent as she stands before her squad, managing the aspects of the case. Her tone is disconcerted and her face slips into an expression of masked fury.
She thinks of him. How he'd pursue this case, but now she has to perceive how he'd defend this man. And so she thinks of him, and finds she thinks of him too long, unsure of what she feels exactly. Be it love or hate.
She is on the phone with Chief Dodds to brief him on the case. Her voice is professional, her demeanor calm as she provides him with a list of evidence. The case should be a slam dunk, but she feels it is not as easy as it seems.
And when her eyes shift to the squad room, and she sees him walking in, her disposition changes radically. Her hand clenches the phone, and she is unable to concentrate on Dodds. So she comes up with an excuse to update him later.
Her hands brace themselves on her desk. She feels like the enemy has just walked in and is becoming a distraction to her. Of course he exudes confidence and arrogance as he strides towards her office. He is every bit as impeccably dressed as he used to. She can only imagine his suits will be even more expensive as his salary will have increased drastically.
Her door swings open, and she puts on a stoic façade, never flinching when their eyes meet. She takes a breath and settles into her chair comfortably. She takes in his appearance. He looks stone cold with no real emotion on the surface and it pushes her buttons.
Two can play that game, she thinks.
''How is the other side treating you?'' she asks defensively. ''Playing the Joker in our little world of justice?'' she adds, cringing at her own movie reference. But in her eyes, he is truly transforming into a villain.
It is not like it was unexpected. Rita Calhoun had switched in her career as well. And now he is following the same path. She just never expected him to swing that way.
Barba has no difficulty deducing that she is holding a grudge. It is what he anticipated beforehand, and he knew she wouldn't hold back. It was in her nature after all. She fought for the underdog, and he once did the same. However, circumstances changed as did life.
He is not backing down from this fight. Or case. Whatever, he doesn't care. And he is sure, that Olivia isn't planning on backing out either. She is destructive in that sense. Stubborn and disastrous when it concerns the victims. He'd experienced it first hand when working on pointless cases with her.
''Just doing my job.'' he stresses.
She shrugs, somewhat disgusted at his uncaring tone. ''It seems you've become more popular than Buchanan and Calhoun. You're the next big bad defense attorney in New York. What a name to strive for.'' she tells him calmly, but her hands are clenched together tightly.
Despite the rising tension, he takes a step forward in approaching her desk. ''Do we have a problem, Liv?''
The urge to demand that he calls her Lieutenant or Benson is at the tip of her tongue, but she refrains from responding. She knows better than anyone he is challenging her, and she remains poker-faced. She will not break under the tension and pressure of his presence.
His lips turn into a small curve. ''I thought so.'' he says. ''I assume it's the superhero versus the villain now. Me being the villain.'' he points out laughingly.
''Really?'' she wonders aloud. ''Well, if this is how it's going to be, I'm fine with it.''
She says nothing else. Instead, she walks out of her office, him following her out. She shows him to his client and asks the detectives to give them the room together.
For a moment, she stares into the interrogation room as Barba makes himself comfortable. The emotion washing over her with that sight, sickens her. It is a mix of anger, longing, and so many other things she can't identify.
When she comes home late that night, she is exhausted and drained from energy. Fortunately, Lucy has put Noah to bed. She goes into his room, kisses his forehead, and then leaves him to sleep peacefully.
They day has been too long for her to handle. Dealing with Barba and pretending she didn't care was much more difficult than she wanted. Figuring out a way to keep their suspect in custody as they gathered more evidence before charging him, felt somewhat pathetic. But they needed more time as they prepared a solid case, and in that time she wanted to keep him off the streets.
She sits down on her couch with a glass of wine in her hand when the screen of her phone flashing gets her attention. She smiles at the caller ID, knowing he has received the news of what she pulled before leaving the office.
''Well well, if it isn't Mr. Joker.'' she greets a little to happily.
''Hello, Lieutenant.'' he smirks. ''That was a very unprofessional move from you, Benson. I didn't see that coming. Kudos to you my friend.''
She grins and takes a sip from her wine, enjoying her victory. She realizes it may only be for the night but she enjoys it nonetheless. ''Yeah, all those unpaid parking tickets were convenient, Barba.''
''Not for long. I promise you.''
She shifts on her couch and laughs. She then hangs up and puts the phone down, sitting back on her couch comfortably. She swears to take advantage of this one night, and to catch up on the sleep she has missed out on for so long.
Barba, of course, was right. He proves it when their suspect is walking the streets again two days later.
She knows he's not stupid. If anything he's the opposite. Besides, he knows how they operate, how they handle their cases. It gives him an advantage that the squad doesn't have.
Hours later, when they arrive at a new crime scene, identical to the previous one, she is enraged. She doesn't dare to believe that freeing the guilty and allowing them to terrorize others, is now what he does for a living.
As she stands in the middle of the apartment, facing the body a woman in her mid-twenties, she knows it truly is. This is what it has come down to. It appals her. Another life taken too soon. Another person sexually assaulted for no reason, other than lack of control. It is the daily truth she is faced with. In other words, it is her job. A job Barba used to make easier, and which he now complicates.
She turns to face Rollins and Carisi. ''I'm going to see Barba.'' she announces. ''Keep me updated.''
While she walks out of the apartment, ignoring those around her, and going into the direction of her case, she imagines what she wants to say to him. Could he live with the consequences of letting their suspect go? In her eyes he wasn't even a suspect anymore. DNA in the other case had matched the victim, he had no alibi, and several witnesses put him on the scene. And she was sure that the same would happen with this new case.
He sees her coming of course. The way she walks expresses determination and anger. Lots and lots of anger. That much he can detect.
He lifts his feet from his desk and puts down the file resting on his lap. He straightens himself in his chair and watches through his glass doors and she nears.
There is a mesmerizing fire in her eyes when she finally stands opposite of him, one hand on her hip. He matches her intense gaze and lets a grin cross his face.
He is getting to her. He can see it. He can feel it.
''I made you a promise, didn't I.'' he says rhetorically. He doesn't move, waiting for her to make a snappy comeback, but there is none. He sees her expression change into sadness.
He has seen this particular emotion on her face before. Too many times, he feels. He saw it shortly after she returned to duty after the Lewis ordeal. It is an expression she only bears when something is weighing heavily on her heart.
She stays silent, reaching for her phone and displaying a picture on her screen. She lays it down before him on the desk. ''Natalie Sanders, 26, raped and murdered by your client approximately eight hours ago.''
He swallows back the lump that has formed in his throat. A beautiful young woman with striking blue eyes and long brown hair stares back at him from the picture. He scrambles for words to express how truly sorry he is. But he looks up into Liv's eyes and knows nothing will be enough, so he says nothing instead.
Seconds later, he rises from his chair and walks around his desk to reach her. He is actually reaching out for her, but stops himself. It wouldn't do them any good after all.
He gazes down at his hands. ''I never wanted this.'' he admits with a soft voice.
''Neither did I.'' she croaks out in a mumbled tone.
His heart drops as he hands her back the phone, knowing that anger is not the right emotion in this particular situation. He knows she feels the same from her lack of passion and insults.
So he watches as she vanishes from his office without another word said.
As a new threat emerges into the lives of the SVU squad, Olivia has less time to focus on Barba and their complex relationship. A serial rapist has hit their radar with victims spreading across the country. It is now their mission to catch him. The number of victims is staggering and work on the case swallows up all the time that SVU has.
With a sketch of the perpetrator on every news channel for a week, they receive too many calls. Too many people are mistaken about the suspect. But one phone call is surprisingly accurate and has the squad scrambling for their weapons as they get ready to reach the location where their suspect has been seen.
It is a situation like any other. She has done this too many times to count. Sirens on and racing through traffic. Once upon a time, the thought of apprehending a suspect thrilled her. But even that has changed. Of course she still felt immense satisfaction when they arrested someone, but the actual joy she used to feel has certainly vanished. Even that simple aspect of her job has changed because she changed. Change. It sound ridiculous to her.
When the day reaches its inevitable end, she ends up in the squad's favorite bar on her own. All the others had gone home to catch up on sleep. But she is unable to rid herself of all that bothers her. It's almost like all her problems stick to her skin like sweat.
So she sits behind the bar with a glass of scotch in her hands. She drowns her sorrows in three more glasses, and her surroundings are slowly beginning to spin. Her eyes portray a hazy sight, but she can't bring herself to care.
She needs this. She deserves this. A moment alone with her problems, even though she's still running away from each of them.
''Lieutenant Benson.'' a familiar voice acknowledges from behind her. The figure leans next to her with his elbows on the bar.
She takes a sip from her scotch, needing it desperately in that moment. Of course her time alone would be spent with him. Just what she needs. ''Isn't there any other bar you can be at?'' she asks hastily.
He sees she's tipsy, clearly. Her cheeks are flushed as her hands are wrapped around a glass of alcohol. He ignores her current state, sits down, and gestures the bartender for a scotch as well. Just like her, he needs a breather from his life. But as he gazes at her, he realizes she is out for blood. She is staring at him with dead eyes, and it is not what he expects.
''Just need a drink, Liv.'' he responds in a distant tone.
She pushes herself away from the bar, needing to put a considerable distance between them for her own good. Because she is in the mood to punch him in the face. Her sudden attempt to move, though, pushes her off balance and she almost falls to the floor. She manages to keep herself standing by holding onto the bar. She slams a few bills onto the bar and intends to leave before either of them says something that can't be taken back.
She is in that mood after all, and she'd like to avoid carrying on the argument they've been having.
She is so focused on leaving the suffocating air of the bar that she continues to stumble toward the exit, almost falling down with each step she takes.
Barba watches her, his heart aching. He did this to her. To them. He knows that, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
He rises from his seat and rushes to catch up with her. ''Liv!'' he calls out.
She feels a hand coming to rest upon her shoulder, knowing exactly who it belongs to. She wants to whirl around and ask him to leave her be. But she can't for so many reasons.
Perhaps most things have changed. But not this. Not the feeling she gets when she's near him and forgets what he now represents.
She loses herself in his touch and stills her body. She hears his breathing beside her and for a moment she swears that nothing has changed. That they're still the same people who work side by side to pursue justice. It is who they are. No, it is who they were.
She reminds herself of that mere fact. He is different now, and so is she. Life is no longer as simple as it was before and they can't go back. Too much has happened, and he has done the one thing she never imagined.
''I'll never understand, Rafael.'' she says regretfully.
His hand slips from her shoulder and he's back in reality with her. How could he ever explain his choice? She's the most moral person he's ever known. She'll never understand. And it tears him apart. Just like the job once did.
Seeing pictures of bodies, all genders and ages, it did something to him. Hearing stories of rape and sexual assaults had stayed with him forever. The horror and tragedy that used to be his job was something he had to escape. And so he did. He became an attorney at a law firm, taking on criminal cases only in specific circumstances. Never did he want to have a client who was her suspect. It was his worst nightmare.
''I know.'' he admits.
She knows she has to get away from him. Seeing and being near him does her no good. Faking her emotions around him only makes matters worse, so she turns around to make her point.
She faces him, her eyes wandering along his exhausted features. In just a matter of days she had seen him more than she had in a year. Not since the day he broke her heart and left everything behind.
''I'm sorry.'' she apologizes. ''It's not my business anymore.'' she continues on, shocked at his lack of compassion and warmth.
He shakes his head at her. ''No need to apologize. I don't really care anymore.''
His words, his demeanor, feels like a punch to the face. She throws her hands up in the air in utter disbelief. ''Seriously, Barba?'' she asks in confusion. He used to be so different. So much kinder, so much better. ''You always cared. About our cases, about the squad. About everyone.'' she tells and she knows the tears are just below the surface. So she stops for a moment.
''It was the reason I wanted to be with you.'' she mumbles with a heavy heart. ''Despite all the terrible things we saw each day, you fought for the victims. You fought because you cared!'' she reminds him, hoping to appeal to a side of him that hasn't changed. She can't believe that the person standing before her was Rafael Barba. The person before her was only a shell of the man she once knew. ''How can you be this person?''
The words register with him, but he remains stoic. Giving into any old feelings would harm them both. ''I had to leave, Liv. I had to move on from that job and from you.'' he says harshly. ''After that case there was nothing left for us. So I had to start over.''
''What about me?''
The question hits him like a ton of bricks. The brokenness of her voice is palpable. He wishes more than anything he can erase her pain, but it is not within his power. He can't. It is too late.
''I believed were more than that, Barba. More than just friends, but you just walked out of my life without a word. Nothing! No explanation.'' she piles on, staring him straight in the eyes.
It feels like he has nothing more to say, to tell. Nothing will ever change this. He can't ever take it back, and most times he doesn't want to. Expect for now. In the moments when he sees her like this.
''I had to move on.'' he tells her again.
Olivia takes a step back, the alcohol rushing back to her. She shakes her head and looks to the ground for a moment and then back up at him. ''You're an ass.'' she finishes angrily and with that she whirls around and begins walking away from him.
The case goes to trial three weeks later with Cutter as the leading DA, another ADA being second chair. Olivia likes to think they have handed the prosecutors a bulletproof case but that remains to be seen, especially with Barba as the defense attorney.
Her eyes fly across the courtroom as he sits next to his client, exuding nothing but confidence and grace. She is so caught up in staring at him that she doesn't notice that the judge has called the court in session and the trial has officially started.
The opening statements are passionate and fire away at the opposing party. The words guilty and not guilty are used interchangeably. Cutter presents the jury with all the evidence in one clear picture, laying it out for them in a short but powerful opening statement.
Barba on the other hand appeals more to the emotional side of the jury members, hoping to depict the suspect as only a human being who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. His statement is dignified and he speaks with easy words, his demeanor relaxed and smooth all at the same time.
If it hadn't been her case, Olivia would've been convinced to give their suspect a chance. That is how convincingly Barba comes across. He is one hell of a lawyer. She's always known that and felt at peace when he was on their side. But now he is a danger to their case.
When she finally takes the stand to lay out the evidence, and her observations throughout the investigative process, she finds herself at odds. She fears what Barba will use against her, and on the other hand, she knows their case is strong. But her fear is the winning factor as she strides toward the witness box. He knows her deepest and darkest secrets. He is aware that she used excessive force with Lewis. He knows her too well for this to goes her way.
Cutter of course shares the same fear of not knowing what he will use to discredit the SVU squad.
He says her name in a professional manner, approaching her at the same time. Any conflicting feelings he had beforehand have faded into thin air the moment he stepped foot into the courtroom. It's not his job to be kind. It is only his job to do best on behalf of his client, and he knows it will come at a cost. He's always known that, but now the cost will be that much bigger.
She sees something in his eyes change. He's in his own world, the one place where he excels, and she has seen the type of damage he can do. She has been scrutinized by him before even when he was their ADA, and now it feels so much worse.
The first few questions only relate to the case, the evidence gathered and her part of the interrogation. It all goes smoothly and so far the evidence is more to their advantage than his.
But suddenly she feels it coming. His shoulders grow tense, and she realizes he has been building up his entire line of questioning to whatever he will say next. And the next sentence he produces, has her nauseous within seconds.
''Lieutenant Benson, is it correct you were suspended for excessive force?''
Cutter rises to his feet. ''Objection, your honor! Relevance?'' he says angrily, watching Olivia closely. He knows this is now taking a personal direction, not one he wants to let Barba venture into.
''The question speaks to the witnesses' reputation, your honor.'' Barba shoots back in defense. He knows Cutter will easily discredit his claims, but even the slightest bit of doubt regarding the NYPD's conduct could free his client, so he takes the shot without questioning it.
''It is not what you're making it out to be!'' Olivia interrupts.
''Yes or no answers only, please.'' he demands harshly.
She backs down for a moment, knowing this fight or whatever is happing between them should not be fought out in court. This is for another moment. So she sits back, trying to come to terms with the fact that she will have to take several hits.
''I will allow for this line of questioning.'' the judge rules.
Barba turns back to Olivia and he sees she is barely holding it together. Her hands are visibly shaking and she has them clenched together tightly to try to hide it, but she can't. Not from him anyway.
He stares into her eyes, and it feels like she is begging and pleading with him to stop. To not go where she knows he is taking this, and he feels his heart stop for just a moment. This is not what he wants. Hurting her can't happen, and he can't be the one doing this to her.
''Lieutenant,'' he begins, his voice faltering and he is beginning to lose his focus. He loses himself in her eyes, in the pain that is so visible there. It distracts him from his goal, from his job. ''during your time with William Lewis, did you…'' he stops there and can't find within himself to finish the sentence.
He turns to Cutter. ''Your witness!''
Olivia can finally breathe again when the air escapes her lungs quickly. Perhaps a part of Barba hadn't changed after all. What she had just seen was the person she used to care about. The man she knew as considerate, kind and passionate. She swears she saw that in him for just a moment again, but she knows it will never last.
It is still too late for him. For them too.
The jury comes back with a verdict quickly and much to the squad's relief their suspect is found guilty on all charges.
The happiness she feels subsides just as fast when she sees Barba walking out of the courtroom. She nods at the squad as if to say goodbye. She leaves the courtroom and walks out into the hallway.
Her eyes catch his, the green with flecks of gold, forcing her back to times when they used to be on the same side. When they used to fight the same battle. But he left. He left and changed sides. She now regards him as the enemy, in almost every sense of the word, even after this victory. He still represents everything she has fought against in her life.
She remains frozen in her tracks as he approaches her confidently and without question. ''I guess the villain lost this battle.'' she remarks since she has no clue where this moment is taking them.
Their last conversation reached dangerous territory, and she felt there was not much more for either of them left to express. It was over. In every sense. She just needed to come to terms with that.
He wears an expression that hints at minimal involvement, but his heart is saying something else entirely. It is telling him to lay it all out there, but he had tried and failed before. So there was nothing left for him to say, but one simple truth.
''I did love you.'' he bluntly reveals to her.
Even though it is the sentiment she ached to hear so many times before, the 'did' makes her heart break. The words don't hold much meaning to her in some unexplainable way. ''I loved you too.'' she says as her heart shatters at the past tense of her own words.
''You need to know…'' he says, but stops for just a moment to catch his breath. ''…I left for a reason, Liv.'' he whispers painfully.
She knows. He left because of her. Because of them. Because it was all too much. And now there's no returning to the old days.
To when everything was normal, so she will cling to those days when she has to face him, hoping it will become easier with time.
''I know.'' she agrees.
Years later, their worlds collide again. He sees her, but she doesn't see him.
He moves across the room slowly when he catches a glimpse of brown hair. At first he doesn't realize it is Olivia. But then she turns around and his breath hitches.
She looks so different. Her hair has grown longer with bangs framing her face and she looks stunning. She is different he sees that, but in the way he never expects. She is glowing and seems happy. She is on the arm of a man he's never met before, wearing a stunning black dress that reaches just above her knees and shows off her curves.
The moment catches him completely off guard. It is filled with wonder. He catches himself questioning how her life is now. If she is happy. If perhaps she has moved on, which from the look on her face she has.
And in the tiniest sliver of a moment, he catches himself hoping that out of nowhere she will walk through his office doors again one day, as if their years of silence have meant nothing, and never will.
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will