The New All-American Arrival
"Hey, Harry!"
Harry glanced up from the essay he was working on, only to see Ron beelining for him from the opposite end of the Gryffindor common room.
"Hi, Ron," he said, dipping his quill into the pot of ink. "What's the hurry?"
"OMG," Ron began.
Harry paused, not sure what to make of this. "Erm, Ron?" he said, "Did you just say 'OMG'?"
"Yes! OMG!" Ron said, looking extremely excited. "OMG, Harry, like, there's this new transfer student from America here, and she is soooo hot! And she just got put into Gryffindor! And I'm like, whoa. I don't know, man. Hot!"
Harry blinked. He took off his glasses, cleaned them on his robes, and replaced them. "Ron, what are you--"
Suddenly, Hermione came bursting through the portrait hole and raced across the common room. "Harry!" she squeaked, "Guess what!"
"What?" Harry asked, a little fearfully.
"Draco Malfoy just asked me out! We're totally dating!" Hermione gushed, turning pink.
"WHAT?"
"Harry!" Ron interrupted. "Look! It's ... HER."
Harry darted his eyes across the room to see a rather attractive girl walk in, her long blonde hair cascading down her back in ringlets like golden rays of silken sunshine. Her eyes were like the blue flames of a gas-powered stove, her lips as rosy as a baby's bottom, her cheek as creamy as a carton of low-calorie margarine.
"Isn't she beautiful?" Ron breathed. "Look at her. Man, does she ever have curves in all the right places!"
"I want to be like her. I want to BE her!" Hermione said. "I'm tired of this dull life of studying and reading. I want to make myself pretty for Drakie-baby."
The beautiful girl had caught Harry's eye, and began to slowly saunter over to the trio, her walk as graceful as a cat, her hips swaying and sashaying in such a captivating way that Ron's tongue lolled out of his mouth.
"Hello," she said, the corners of her perfectly plushed pink lips quirking up in a smile.
"Erm ..." Harry started.
"OH WOW, YOU'RE SO HOT," Ron yelped, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"My name is Serenity Aurora Borealis Gwyneth Greenleaf," she said, smiling serenely. "But please, call me Marissa."
"That's not even in your name," Harry pointed out.
"Oh, I think it's a great nickname!" Hermione said. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm dating Draco Malfoy, isn't he a dream?"
"You're dating that fox Draco??" Marissa squeaked. "NO WAY. Oh, he is SUCH a hottie!"
"I know! Please, call me Mya, all my friends do," Hermione said.
"No we don't!" Harry said, but Ron interrupted.
"Harry, please! Try not to make me and Mya look bad in front of Marissa, okay?" he hissed in Harry's ear. Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times, but was unable to get anything out.
"Oh my gosh, Marissa," Hermione was saying, "I need to look super hot for Draco, but I've been a loser bookworm my whole life and I have this horrible bushy hair, and no one EVER notices my curves, even though I THINK they're in all the right places. I mean, I don't have curves in my lymph nodes or anyplace weird like that."
"Oh, I can totally help you, Hermione," Marissa smiled broadly, showing off her perfect teeth that glittered white as the freshly fallen snow on a glistening mountain top. "Hermione Beauty Power, Make Up!" she shouted, pointing her wand.
"All right, what the HELL is that?" Harry said, feeling frustrated. "That's not even proper Latin!"
But the spell had hit Hermione with stunning accuracy, as Marissa was a super witch mage who had studied at the Salem Burnination Witches' Academy in Massachusetts (Ron explained all this in Harry's ear), and as Harry watched, Hermione began to spin and do seemingly random ballet moves under various technicolored lights and other special effects. When it was all over, Hermione was dressed in a tight leather outfit, complete with knee-high bright red vinyl boots and a glitzy chain belt. Her brown hair now sported gratuitous highlights in varying shades of golden honey copper bronze, and she even had on a hint of makeup in naturalistic tones.
"Wow!" Hermione said. "Now Draco will love me even more! He said the sex would only be good if I looked hotter and stopped being such a geek."
"You look good," Ron said, nodding. "Marissa, you're awesome!"
"You're totally awesome!"
"You're so--"
"STOP IT!" Harry yelled, flinging his quill across the table. Everyone turned to look at him, stunned. "Look, I don't know who you are and why you transferred from that ... whatever school you went to, but what the hell is going on here? What have you DONE to my friends? Ron, you're acting like a complete git! Hermione, you don't HAVE a nickname, and since WHEN have you been with Malfoy, of all people? Now honestly, someone ... please, tell me what on earth has gotten into all of you?"
Harry panted for a few moments before giving a loud sigh and flopping back down into his chair.
Ron grinned evilly at him. "Hermione?"
"April Fools!" Ron and Hermione chorused together, laughing.
"What?" Harry said.
"Oh, honestly, Harry," Hermione said, waving her hand. "You think I'd actually get anywhere NEAR that loathsome Malfoy, let alone date him?"
"And really, Harry, 'OMG' isn't even a proper word. I'm surprised you didn't catch on sooner," Ron chuckled.
The two friends laughed together, and Harry, feeling extraordinarily relieved, let a grin spread across his face. "But then," he said, pointing at Marissa, "Who are YOU?"
But Marissa's face seemed to be rounding out. Her long blonde hair was rapidly shortening, and her properly proportioned body quickly faded into that of ... Neville Longbottom's.
Neville grinned sheepishly and pointed at Ron and Hermione. "They made me do it!" he said, laughing.
"Not bad," Harry laughed. "I'm going to have to think of a way to get even with you now. Maybe I'll just make you write my essay for me, 'Mya'."
Hermione made a face. "I've already done four rolls of parchment on that. Besides, we plan to watch our backs very carefully around you for the next few days," she giggled.
"Speaking of watching backs, you don't look half bad in that, Hermione," Ron said, glancing Hermione's outfit up and down. "You know, maybe you shouldn't wait until next April to wear that outfit again."
Hermione rolled her eyes, but Harry thought he saw a slight blush spread across her cheeks. "Now then, Harry," she said, clearing her throat. "What was it you wanted help with?"
Harry grinned, opening up his textbook.
"Hey, Harry!"
Harry glanced up from the essay he was working on, only to see Ron beelining for him from the opposite end of the Gryffindor common room.
"Hi, Ron," he said, dipping his quill into the pot of ink. "What's the hurry?"
"OMG," Ron began.
Harry paused, not sure what to make of this. "Erm, Ron?" he said, "Did you just say 'OMG'?"
"Yes! OMG!" Ron said, looking extremely excited. "OMG, Harry, like, there's this new transfer student from America here, and she is soooo hot! And she just got put into Gryffindor! And I'm like, whoa. I don't know, man. Hot!"
Harry blinked. He took off his glasses, cleaned them on his robes, and replaced them. "Ron, what are you--"
Suddenly, Hermione came bursting through the portrait hole and raced across the common room. "Harry!" she squeaked, "Guess what!"
"What?" Harry asked, a little fearfully.
"Draco Malfoy just asked me out! We're totally dating!" Hermione gushed, turning pink.
"WHAT?"
"Harry!" Ron interrupted. "Look! It's ... HER."
Harry darted his eyes across the room to see a rather attractive girl walk in, her long blonde hair cascading down her back in ringlets like golden rays of silken sunshine. Her eyes were like the blue flames of a gas-powered stove, her lips as rosy as a baby's bottom, her cheek as creamy as a carton of low-calorie margarine.
"Isn't she beautiful?" Ron breathed. "Look at her. Man, does she ever have curves in all the right places!"
"I want to be like her. I want to BE her!" Hermione said. "I'm tired of this dull life of studying and reading. I want to make myself pretty for Drakie-baby."
The beautiful girl had caught Harry's eye, and began to slowly saunter over to the trio, her walk as graceful as a cat, her hips swaying and sashaying in such a captivating way that Ron's tongue lolled out of his mouth.
"Hello," she said, the corners of her perfectly plushed pink lips quirking up in a smile.
"Erm ..." Harry started.
"OH WOW, YOU'RE SO HOT," Ron yelped, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"My name is Serenity Aurora Borealis Gwyneth Greenleaf," she said, smiling serenely. "But please, call me Marissa."
"That's not even in your name," Harry pointed out.
"Oh, I think it's a great nickname!" Hermione said. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm dating Draco Malfoy, isn't he a dream?"
"You're dating that fox Draco??" Marissa squeaked. "NO WAY. Oh, he is SUCH a hottie!"
"I know! Please, call me Mya, all my friends do," Hermione said.
"No we don't!" Harry said, but Ron interrupted.
"Harry, please! Try not to make me and Mya look bad in front of Marissa, okay?" he hissed in Harry's ear. Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times, but was unable to get anything out.
"Oh my gosh, Marissa," Hermione was saying, "I need to look super hot for Draco, but I've been a loser bookworm my whole life and I have this horrible bushy hair, and no one EVER notices my curves, even though I THINK they're in all the right places. I mean, I don't have curves in my lymph nodes or anyplace weird like that."
"Oh, I can totally help you, Hermione," Marissa smiled broadly, showing off her perfect teeth that glittered white as the freshly fallen snow on a glistening mountain top. "Hermione Beauty Power, Make Up!" she shouted, pointing her wand.
"All right, what the HELL is that?" Harry said, feeling frustrated. "That's not even proper Latin!"
But the spell had hit Hermione with stunning accuracy, as Marissa was a super witch mage who had studied at the Salem Burnination Witches' Academy in Massachusetts (Ron explained all this in Harry's ear), and as Harry watched, Hermione began to spin and do seemingly random ballet moves under various technicolored lights and other special effects. When it was all over, Hermione was dressed in a tight leather outfit, complete with knee-high bright red vinyl boots and a glitzy chain belt. Her brown hair now sported gratuitous highlights in varying shades of golden honey copper bronze, and she even had on a hint of makeup in naturalistic tones.
"Wow!" Hermione said. "Now Draco will love me even more! He said the sex would only be good if I looked hotter and stopped being such a geek."
"You look good," Ron said, nodding. "Marissa, you're awesome!"
"You're totally awesome!"
"You're so--"
"STOP IT!" Harry yelled, flinging his quill across the table. Everyone turned to look at him, stunned. "Look, I don't know who you are and why you transferred from that ... whatever school you went to, but what the hell is going on here? What have you DONE to my friends? Ron, you're acting like a complete git! Hermione, you don't HAVE a nickname, and since WHEN have you been with Malfoy, of all people? Now honestly, someone ... please, tell me what on earth has gotten into all of you?"
Harry panted for a few moments before giving a loud sigh and flopping back down into his chair.
Ron grinned evilly at him. "Hermione?"
"April Fools!" Ron and Hermione chorused together, laughing.
"What?" Harry said.
"Oh, honestly, Harry," Hermione said, waving her hand. "You think I'd actually get anywhere NEAR that loathsome Malfoy, let alone date him?"
"And really, Harry, 'OMG' isn't even a proper word. I'm surprised you didn't catch on sooner," Ron chuckled.
The two friends laughed together, and Harry, feeling extraordinarily relieved, let a grin spread across his face. "But then," he said, pointing at Marissa, "Who are YOU?"
But Marissa's face seemed to be rounding out. Her long blonde hair was rapidly shortening, and her properly proportioned body quickly faded into that of ... Neville Longbottom's.
Neville grinned sheepishly and pointed at Ron and Hermione. "They made me do it!" he said, laughing.
"Not bad," Harry laughed. "I'm going to have to think of a way to get even with you now. Maybe I'll just make you write my essay for me, 'Mya'."
Hermione made a face. "I've already done four rolls of parchment on that. Besides, we plan to watch our backs very carefully around you for the next few days," she giggled.
"Speaking of watching backs, you don't look half bad in that, Hermione," Ron said, glancing Hermione's outfit up and down. "You know, maybe you shouldn't wait until next April to wear that outfit again."
Hermione rolled her eyes, but Harry thought he saw a slight blush spread across her cheeks. "Now then, Harry," she said, clearing her throat. "What was it you wanted help with?"
Harry grinned, opening up his textbook.