Mr. Better-Than-Nothing
Chapter One
Sami was relieved that the horrible nightmare at the circus was finally over. She felt almost detached from the world around her, like everything that had happened that night at the circus had happened to someone else. They had eventually managed to get the tiger under control and Tony was sent away in an ambulance. Will had gone home with Grandpa Shawn and she was back in her own apartment, in her own bed.
The soothing warmth of Lucas' skin lingered on her right arm which was grazing Lucas' left arm. Smiling softly, she realized how glad she was that Lucas had agreed to stay with her that night. She had said they needed to stop having 'sleep-overs' but after the night she had, Lucas' presence made her feel safe.
After everything that had happened, she should have been exhausted. Instead, she was wide-awake, completely caught up in her own thoughts. Lucas continued snoring loudly beside her as she thought about what had happened in the clown car. She had been inwardly kicking herself for almost giving away her true feelings. But she hadn't wanted to lose him and the words rushed out of her mouth without her getting the chance to think them through, something that happened a lot with her.
She thought about the night of her father's wedding. He had died after she told him that she hated him. That was one of her biggest regrets, that he died without knowing how much she really loved him. Even though it was morbid, she began thinking about how she would feel if Lucas died not knowing how she felt about him. Sure, she had tried to deny having feelings for him but eventually she couldn't lie to herself anymore. And the truth was, it was getting harder to lie to Lucas about it every day. But she really was in love with Lucas, even though she could never tell him that. She could never let him know how she felt because she was afraid of how he would respond.
Still, the killer had already attacked her once, in that dark alley and there was no reason why he wouldn't go after her again. There wasn't anything stopping the killer from going after Lucas either. Suddenly, the idea of something happening to one of them without Lucas knowing that she loved him seemed unbearable. Swallowing hard and bracing herself for the worst kind of reaction from him, she began shaking his shoulder lightly. He jerked awake and looked over at her.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, rubbing his eyes tiredly. She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak. But the words she wanted to say felt lodged in her throat. Lucas hadn't mentioned what had happened in the clown car yet and it almost seemed like he was afraid to bring it up.
"It's about what I said today in the clown car." she lowered her eyes, not wanting to see the expression on his face.
"You mean how you said that Will loved me and wouldn't be able to take it if he lost me?" Lucas played dumb, hoping she would drop it. There was no way he wanted to go into this with her, it was going to be way too hard for him to deal with.
"No, what I said before that." she whispered, "I meant what I said, Lucas. I do.... I..." the words were so hard to force out of her throat, knowing that if she said them and he didn't feel the same way, she would lose all her pride. But she had to say them, "I do love you."
Lucas stared at her in shock for a few minutes. He had never actually expected to hear her say those words and actually mean them but he had told himself that if she did say them, he would steel himself against the words. She didn't mean them, there was no way she could mean them. He knew her too well.
"No you don't." he said softly. Her eyes widened at his words and she felt her heart sinking at the expressionless look on his face. She didn't know what she had been expecting but she hadn't been expecting this.
"What do you mean?" she stuttered.
"You don't love me." he stated, as if he had never been more sure of something in his entire life, "You just think you do. But you can't love me, you never have."
"That's ridiculous." the backs of her eyelids stung with unshed tears, "Why would I tell you I loved you if I didn't?"
"Because you're lonely." he sighed, "I know you, Sami. You can't stand being alone. I was always here for you because I hate seeing you hurt and wanted to help in any way I could. But don't do this to yourself. Or to me. You're just grateful to me for helping you through everything that's going wrong in your life. Don't confuse that with something you're never going to be able to feel for me."
Sami eyed him carefully, trying to see if he meant everything he was saying or not. He was. He honestly believed everything he was saying. And underneath the expressionless mask, she could see hurt surfacing in his dark brown eyes.
"That's not true." she protested, "I do know what I'm feeling. I'm not confused and I can't believe you'd even suggest something like that!"
"You need someone in your life who's going to be there for you." Lucas responded, "Even if it's only me. But I was never your first choice. It was always Brandon, Austin, anyone but me. I'm sure I'm not even your second or third choice. I'm way down the list somewhere and I don't want to be with you just because you can't find someone better."
"You're a jerk, you know that?" she said, raising her voice slightly, "I told you I loved you, would it kill you to tell me how you feel about me? Even if you don't love me, I'd still like to know where I stand with you."
"I don't need to answer that because it doesn't matter." Lucas felt himself getting angry too, "All that matters is, I've always been a consolation prize. I was Carrie's consolation prize when she broke up with Austin and I was Nicole's consolation prize too. At least, my money was. I don't want to do that anymore. I can't take being another's woman's Mr. Better-Than-Nothing just because I'll never be anyone's Mr. Right."
She looked at him in disbelief. He actually thought he was a consolation prize to her. How could he think that? He was the prize, the only prize. There was no Brandon or Austin anymore, there was only him. And he had ruined her for any other guy she might come across. Because ever since the second time he had kissed her after Maggie's murder, she knew there was no way she would find two guys that could affect her like that with just one simple kiss. The touch of his lips on hers felt different, more real and more wonderful than anyone else's touch ever had.
He continued talking, "I'm not Austin. And I'm certainly not Brandon. But because they aren't here for you and I am, you're starting to tell yourself you're in love with me when you're not."
"I kissed you back." she whispered harshly, "Could you not tell how much I wanted you then, how much I still want you now? I need you, Lucas. You can't just sit here and tell me I don't know what I feel when I do."
"Sami, I care about you. I want to be your friend." he put one hand on her shoulder, "But that's all I'll ever be. I can't take advantage of you by being with you when I know deep down you just want someone, anyone. Not necessarily me, but it's all you can have because the men you really loved left you." she watched him pull himself off the bed and walk towards the door.
"What are you doing?" she tried to keep the panic from creeping out of her voice.
"I think it would be better if I stayed in my apartment tonight." he replied, "I don't think I should be here right now."
"I hate you." she spat out angrily before she realized what she was saying. As soon as she said it, her stomach churned with regret. The look on her face was enough to make her burst into tears. But she didn't, she had already lost enough pride tonight. Still, he looked so hurt that all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him. Then she would kiss him again and again until he was totally convinced that he was the only man in her life that she loved, the only one she would ever love.
"I knew that all along." he said softly and she heard the defeat in his voice, "Good-night, Sami." then he was gone. Sami couldn't contain the tears anyone and buried her face in her blankets. She rolled over, into the warm spot Lucas had left behind him. Why hadn't she ever seen how insecure he was before? All she knew was that she was going to do whatever she could to convince him that he wasn't her Mr. Better-Than-Nothing.
Lucas slumped against the door to Sami's apartment, still stung by Sami's last comment. He should have seen it coming after he had rejected her. But he had to do it, for both their sakes. He knew her better than anyone else did and he knew that she couldn't really love him. He had hurt her too many times for her to ever feel that way. He had been trying to make everything right between them again but a few nights of comforting her in her bed hardly made up for how he had worked with his mother to kill her. God knew he loved her. He loved her more than he loved anyone or anything else. That was why it cut him so deeply to know that she could never honestly return those feelings.