Disclaimer: I do not own NUMB3RS, nor do I own Deccatree. Sad truth.
A/N: This is my first NUMB3RS fic, so feedback is greatly appreciated. The song is 'Tonight' by Deccatree. If you get a chance, I highly recommend it.
Songfic.
Is it enough to make you whole
Is it enough to fill your soul
You've always had a simple kind of life
Don was broken inside. His recent cases had taken a heavy toll on his physical and mental well-being. Even in his most recent case about the plasma gun. It wouldn't have been a problem, but when David asked him for advice; it was as though his life had less and less meaning than he'd originally thought.
Everything he's done has somehow ended up as a backup for a plan he could never complete. He joined the FBI because he wasn't quite good enough to play in the majors. He was dating Robin because Terry had left. He was team leader because he couldn't run his own office and be close to his mother at the same time. He worked with Charlie at the FBI because they had never made it work before.
You see the good in all that's wrong
Find the beauty in everyone, but you
Never had that empathy because you're
All on your own
He's used to trying to see how people can do and justify these horrific things. The initial shock of realizing just how bad humanity is has worn off. Sometimes he even understands why – sometimes he can even justify the criminal's acts, and that's a sobering thought no amount of beer can chase away. He's scared – he's crossed the lines before, and every time it gets harder and harder to cross back. He has kept his worries to himself. He almost always had, and he probably always will from now on. The only person he felt he could tell left 5 years ago. He loved his family, but he would never burden them with the troubles of his job. They don't need the extra worries.
He's used to living life on his own, though. He resented it as a child, but recently Don realized that all that time when he grew up, he was just preparing himself for the present. After all those years, now he has mastered the art of pushing the thoughts that would drive him insane away until he forgot about them. It was just a coping mechanism that made life livable.
Whenever you feel tired
I'll come and find you
Whenever you're alone
I will be there
Whatever dreams at night, you don't have to cry
Cry tonight
He's started to doubt himself, to doubt his abilities, his judgment, his emotions. The last time he slipped up, he ended up in a hospital with a stab wound. The next time that happened, he didn't expect to be so lucky. Like he had told Liz, "When you open enough doors, the odds catch up with you." He was starting to get the niggling feeling that he had opened too many doors.
Not that he could tell anyone about it. His appointments with the shrink had been over a couple of years ago, and he'd never really felt comfortable there anyways. Though he was surrounded by friends and family, he was completely alone. The startling revelation terrified him. Even his mentor had left his life, by his bullet no less. But none of Don's memories of him were good anymore. Sure, he'd taught him everything he knew, but he was a dirty cop. It was too much to handle.
When he had gotten back to his apartment that night, he had cried himself to sleep for the first time.
It's enough to make you cold
Realize you're getting old
And you haven't found a place to spend your life
He's past his prime, he's not afraid to admit it. He's afraid to admit that he's turning into a broken wreck. However, he can't run from the truth anymore. It chills him to the bone.
His reflexes are slowing, his endurance is weakening. He wasn't kidding when he said he didn't know how much longer he should be in the field. Oh, he missed Terry so much. Terry would have understood what he was going through. Maybe it was because she was a profiler, but Don suspected that it was more because they'd known each other so long. He hadn't spoken to her at all since she had left. He thought it was because he resented her, ever so slightly. He hadn't wanted her to leave, she was his emotional support, his rock. Whenever he had needed her, she had been there for him. And he had been there for her.
Now, he realized that he had no idea what to do with the rest of his life. His job was taking a huge toll on him, and he realized now that he was Mr. No Commitments because he was still in love with another woman. A married woman. The way he saw it, things were going from bad to worse.
It's enough to make you ill
It's a tall and lonely hill
When you feel the need to cry I'll be right by your side
He was tired of trying to stand tall and strong on his own. He was tired of trying to hide the worst aspects of his job from his brother and father. He was tired of wanting things he could never get.
He wondered what would happen if he called her. Just to talk about his problems. He was sure she wouldn't mind. He could ask her what happened with her marriage, how was DC, what's her team like. He missed having her around – she was always so calm, so collected, yet so real.
Yes, he decided, he would call her. Just thinking about her made him feel better, and God knew he needed that.
Fin