The wind blew her hair gently across her shoulders catching her scent and blowing it over to his vicinity. The scent took over his personal breathing space and he regretted standing in that direction. She hadn't said a word for the past ten minutes as she stared out over the balcony. He waited and gave her some time, but he only had so much patience. She hadn't fidgeted around the balcony of her family's New York townhouse; she had stayed planted to the floor leaning on the rail overlooking the mayhem they called home. She never thought that she would be one of those girls who got caught in a situation she didn't know how to worm her way out of. She was always the one who could slither herself out of trouble, but this time it was different.
"Alex, you need to talk to me sometime." Nate finally decided that time was up. He stood waiting for her reply, but she still stood frozen like granite. He ran a hand through his short, curly hair breathing out slowly. Taking a few steps closer, he reached out to her. "I'm sorry, Allie, but I have to go. I didn't mean to tell you so late, but I just didn't know how to tell you. We were having so much fun; I didn't want to ruin it." Alex didn't move. She seemed like she hadn't heard what he said at all. The only thing that tipped him off that she wasn't completely petrified was the sight of her chest slowly rising and falling. "I mean, you had to have known that I wouldn't be able to stay forever."
Her breath caught in her throat before she spoke. Unhitching it, she slowly let out, "I know," she paused. She didn't know why she paused before saying what she said next. If it was for dramatic effect, she never really was one for the drama. She reasoned quickly that perhaps what she wanted to say made her seem vulnerable, something she didn't like being. "but I wish you would." Her fingers strained to peel themselves from around the rail. Pulling them closer, she flexed and wiggled her fingers to get the feeling back before dropping her hands by her sides. She backed up slowly from the edge desperately not wanting to see his face. She wasn't naive or stupid. She knew he would have to leave eventually. He was a rock star for goodness sake. She knew she couldn't keep him to herself for long. Of course, that wasn't even true either. When they spent time together, somehow there was always that creepy little fly on the wall watching their every move. At first, it freaked her out because she hadn't known any better. Alex Russo was not a super star. She was just some sassy girl from the city. It seems pretty cliche but the times that they had spent together that summer flashed in her mind.
"Hey, hey..." Nate grabbed hold of Alex's forearm as she walked quickly ahead of him. It was a dark night as the stars seemed to hide away. "What's up? Why are you walking so fast?" Alex looked around nervously, her eyes darting here and there before she sighed and relaxed. Looping her arm with his, she grabbed onto his arm tightly. Nate chuckled as he felt the pressure, "What are you doing?" Slapping his arm, she shushed him as she watched carefully for any movement around them as they walked down the dirty sidewalk.
"Alright, I can tell you now." Alex still held him close as she whispered her explanation. "I thought I saw some guy following us around." Taking a glance at Nate's face, she wanted to make sure he didn't think she was paranoid at heart. "Nate, I'm not crazy! I'm being completely serious. There was somebody following us with a camera. Listen, I know how this goes down. We look like two innocent kids just having some fun, so we look vulnerable. Then when we let our guards down doing whatever crazy thing teenagers do, they'll come and take advantage of that and mug us or something." Nate began to laugh. "No! Don't laugh!"
"Alex, it's okay. I'll be completely honest. I don't think we're in danger of being jumped by that guy who was following us."
"But Nate, I'm from the city so I know these things." Stubborn as always, Alex wouldn't let up on her theory.
"Okay, I have to tell you something, Alex." Nate stopped the both of them and squared his body with Alex's. "That man will not jump you. I will make sure of that. Besides, I'm here." Nate smirked and his chest puffed up. Inside, Alex was cracking up; but on the exterior, she faked a thankful smile. Remembering that she wasn't a middle school sappy girl, she pulled herself together and slapped his arm. His chest deflated and his smirk disappeared. "What was that for?"
"You were being cheesy, and it grossed me out." She said matter-of-factly. His pout that was slowly growing only made her retract her statement. "But... I guess that's the way I like you." Alex leaned in lightly laying her lips on his. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pulled her in closer. She ran her fingers through his hair as he intensified their kiss.
Alex took a seat once she felt the balcony chair behind her legs. Her eyes were set on the brick of the building next door unable or unwilling to look Nate in the eyes. He made her feel weak and vulnerable. Feeling his eyes probing her, she knew she'd break if she just caught a glimpse of those eyes. "Alex... I wish I could stay with you forever, but that's unrealistic, and you know that as much as I do." Nate, always the practical one, scooted in beside Alex on her chair though there was an empty one next to them. Not believing what she was feeling, she tried to hide her sadness with a tightening lip.
True, they had only been together for a few months; but somehow, Nate had always made the time seem important, and the shortest amount of time had become milestones in their relationship.
"Alex, what are you doing?" Walking into Alex's room, he hadn't expected her to have been decorating the room with confetti made of torn paper from her trash bin.
"Shh, Nate, shut up and help me." Nate shook his head determined not to budge until he got an explanation. "Fine." Alex sighed dropping pieces of torn up tissue paper falling beside her. "I wanted to surprise you. I... forget about it." Alex bent down to pick up the torn pieces on the floor.
Nate quickly stopped her and pulled her back up to the same eye level, "Alex, happy anniversary." Her eyes began to twinkle as she realized that he too thought that their week of being together was important and something to celebrate. She wasn't much of a sap; but when it came to Nate, everything changed and her tough facade turned into mush around him. Turns out she was soft at heart. He leaned in to give her a sweet kiss on the lips which she happily accepted.
The beginning of their relationship seemed like a fairytale. They hadn't gotten sick of each other, though they spent all of their waken moments together. Alex couldn't believe she was living one of those teen romance novels that Harper was always spewing about. She thought that she'd never get to have one of those kinds of relationships. A love like this is once in a lifetime. Sure, she thought that she was in love with Dean, her first serious boyfriend, when they were together. Then came Mason who she thought was the one. But Nate was of a completely different variety that she just couldn't group with her first two serious boy toys. Nate wasn't her boy toy. At first it might have seemed that way, but she came to realize that she was putty in his hands. Somehow, the control she thought she had over him didn't exist the way it existed in her mind. It turned out to be different than the other two boys because Nate was more. Nate and her had an equal relationship with feelings that flowed equally with a different affection than she had felt before.
"Nate, I want to go get some ice cream right now. Can you take me?" Sitting in her living room, Alex asked Nate from the love seat that she sat on. "Even better, can you get some for me and bring it back? Choco Choco Chip please." Nate sat and stared at her.
"Alex, I don't want to get you ice cream, as much as I like to do things for you. I want to go boating." His suggestion popped red flags in her mind telling her to say 'no'. She couldn't stop herself from thinking of the cons of going boating in the New York water. She loved her city; she just didn't know how clean the water was around here. What if they were to fall out of the boat, how deep would the water be? Anyway she sliced this request, the possibilities of injury and death were just too much. "It'll be fun, Alex. We'll get fresh air and spend time outside. It's summer." Just mentioning summer and outside made her think of how hot it would be if she spent the afternoon outside on a boat in the water. "C'mon, if you're scared of drowning, I promise you won't. I'm a really good swimmer." Drowning was bad; but, maybe since Nate was there... "We can bring a picnic basket and have a picnic on the water." Food's good. "Then, afterward, we can walk on the banks or something under the stars." The image flew into her mind. Every perfect romance deserved one of those nights.
At first, she was adamant about saying 'no'; but in the few minutes he used to elaborate their boating date, she slowly let go off her vehement dislike of the idea. "Under the stars?" Nate nodded his head. Alex grabbed his hand in her's entwining her fingers between his. "I guess I just can't say 'no' to that." Smiling sweetly, she leaned in to kiss his soft lips.
But of course, their relationship hadn't been all flowers and rainbows. They didn't fight often if at all except for once when it was extremely intense. As the thought crossed her mind, she couldn't recall why they had fought, just that it was emotionally wrenching when it happened.
"No, Nate! I don't understand why you think that is just so important. I might not be a 'rock star' but I know common sense, and that's not common sense." Alex stood up off of the couch from where they were sitting in her living room. Fuming with her anger, Alex tried to cool off before she became ugly. Frustration began to build in her body because Nate wouldn't see her side on the topic.
"Yeah, you're not there all of the time, so how would you know? You're just basing your thoughts off preconceived falsified notions. I'm there because it's my life. I know what goes on behind the scenes. I'm young but I'm not naive." Alex stopped in her tracks. She rewound the little tape recorder in her head to playback what Nate had just said. The blood in her body began to pound against their veins, rushing.
"I can't believe you just said that."
"Alex, you pretend like you know the politics of the music industry, but you don't. You don't know any of it. I've lived this. I've seen it all first hand. When someone is in the music industry, they have to be someone that they're not. Whether it be extreme or very little. It's kinda like don't put all of your bricks in one bag. You can't give all of yourself away."
"Nobody asks you to be anybody different! If you want to be the Nate I know, then you should be the Nate I know! Don't go off and pretend like you're someone else. Be yourself and get accepted that way. It's stupid that people change themselves to get accepted!"
"I don't know much about normal school life, but I'm pretty sure you change yourself to be liked too. Don't say 'no' because I know you do." A dagger had been stabbed in her heart. Alex always stood by being an individual. She didn't follow the crowd just to follow the crowd. She was a trendsetter. She was independent and not like those other girls who giggle something behind people's backs. Alex blocked him out. She wanted so badly to just take back what had transpired but if that was the way it was going to play out than it was for the better.
"I don't pretend to be anybody else. I am me. How dare you accuse me of being fake!" Angry tears began to fill her eyes. She took a sharp intake of breath trying to keep the tears from falling. "How about this... if you think I'm so fake, go date someone who's real. In fact, if you think I'm fake, good luck finding a girl who is real." Alex crossed her arms and put her weight on one leg waiting for him to leave but he wouldn't. He sat planted on the couch where the argument had started. "I said 'leave' Nate!" Her voice had escalated and cracked from emotion as tears slipped out of her eyes onto her cheeks.
A few moments of silence passed before Nate sighed and said anything else. "What kind of boyfriend would I be, if I left you here angry because of what I said?" He stood up and faced her. "I don't know if you'll forgive me as fast as I've forgiven you. If you are fake, then fake is what I want. I don't want anyone else." Alex fell into his open arms hiding her face in his chest, her tears staining his shirt. "I'm sorry, Allie. I didn't mean to make you cry."
Her tears let up after a few minutes. Her eyeliner and mascara were running everywhere and a stream of snot out of her nose. "Do you still want me now..." Her voice was small as she tried to hide her face, "...even though I look all gross and ghoulish?" Her tilted her head back and cupped her cheeks.
"I'm still going to want you when the sky is gray and your skin has started to sag." He gently laid a kiss on her lips. "I love you for you, Allie. I love all of you." He kissed her again and she slowly pulled back with wide-eyes.
"I love you too, Nate."
Saying 'I love you' to Nate wasn't the first time she had uttered the phrase to someone before. It was just infinitely more important when she declared it to Nate. She felt vulnerable admitting it to him. That was one thing that Nate made her feel often.
He straddled above her and held her close as their breaths became labored. She dove in for another round of open-mouth, tongue-wrestling kisses. His fingers making their way up her sides burned trails on her curves. She ran her hands through his curly short hair enjoying every single touch and feeling. She felt his hands stop right below her breasts. Pulling back, she looked up at him silently asking him why he stopped. He was a rock star. Rock stars had a reputation of being promiscuous. Assuming he had done this type of thing before, Alex questioned his hesitance with her. "Nate... what's wrong?"
Nate took his hands from her body, and he rolled onto his back. "Nothing." Sliding off the bed, he went on a scavenger hunt for his pulled off t-shirt. An incredulous look planted on Alex's face. She became angry that he could have sex with a bunch of other girls as soon as the first date and here with her, they've spent so much time together and said "I love you" and he's not having sex with her. Alex then understood. It was because every other girl he had been with was a gorgeous six-foot supermodel, insanely beautiful co-star, or those pretty singers that every girl wanted to be. Here, Alex was just an average girl with an average body. Nothing gorgeous about her. Suddenly self-conscious, she grabbed her shirt and pulled it back on quickly along with her skirt.
They spent the rest of the night watching TV in awkward silence. Alex didn't know how to break it or if she wanted to. It was around midnight and Alex's parents had long gone to bed. Nate checked his phone several times in the past couple of minutes. He slid his phone back in his pocket and got up. "I think I'm going to leave now." Alex remained silent and still. As he leaned over to give her a kiss, Alex shied away. Inside, Nate was hurt. How could he not be? His girlfriend just denied his attempt to kiss her. He straightened himself back up, "Alright, well bye then." Nate walked out of the door letting it slowly close behind him.
That night, Alex didn't pick up his call. She reasoned that she just wouldn't know what to say. She was mortified to have learned that he was hesitant in going all the way with her because she wasn't all that good-looking or good at sexual activity. She never thought of it before; but then again, the boys she had been with were lucky to have been with her. Now she was on a totally different level of boy. Nate was a rock star, a famous one at that. He had a reputation of being with pretty girls. Maybe that's why they spent a lot of time in her house or his apartment rather than outside where people could see them. It all made sense now. He didn't go all the way with her because she wasn't pretty enough, and he could just tell that she wasn't good in bed or a good kisser. If anything, the roles have flipped and Alex was lucky to be with Nate-a rock god.
The sun had yet to pour through her window when there was a knock at the door. As Alex sat up, Nate entered her room with a tray of food. "Good morning, sunshine. I thought my girl needed something special from me. Your parents let me in." Her parents were strict for the most part. He must have said something for them to let him in. A look of curiosity spread across her face soon taken by a smile from his explanation. "I promised I'd make them breakfast too." Nate placed the tray on her lap.
"Do you want some?" Nate shook his head. Alex grabbed the glass of orange juice and downed it hoping the acidity would overpower her morning breath. "I'll just wait to eat with my parents then." Before he could object, Alex placed the tray on her night stand and crawled over to Nate her fingers immediately going through his curly hair and her lips attaching themselves to his. His hands went to her waists to steady her as she wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer. Deepening the kiss, Alex pushed Nate's back to the bed and straddled him. Her lips trailed down to his neck where she began to leave her mark. Her hands played with the hem of his shirt. She pulled away for just enough seconds to get his shirt over his head. Her lips attacked his neck as her fingers roamed the ridges of his washboard abs. Her hands fell atop his belt buckle as she fumbled to loosen it. Before Alex could accomplish her goal, his hands grabbed her wrists to a halt. She pulled back far enough to see his eyes.
"Alex..."
She sighed rolling off of him. Crawling back to her pillows, Alex plopped onto her bed. She spoke her mind, "What's wrong?"
Nate slowly slid off of the bed and grabbed his shirt. "It's nothing, Alex." Alex shook her head in disbelief. He pulled his shirt on over his head covering up his flat stomach.
"Why won't you have sex with me?" She couldn't help being blunt. She really wanted to know. He began to straighten the wrinkles out on his shirt. "Every other guy I've been with couldn't wait to jump my bones, and here you can't even bare to see me with my shirt off."
"Ever thought that just maybe I'm not like every other guy you've been with? Besides, your parents and brothers are in the rooms around you. I'm not some horny dog." Finished straightening out the wrinkles of his shirt, Nate went to the mirror attached to Alex's dresser drawers and began to fix his hair.
Alex scoffed. "You're not a horny dog? I've seen the tabloids, Nate. You even have a rumored sex tape." She took a deep breath before continuing. "You've done it before. It's not like it's your first time so why are you so hesitant! This isn't your first rodeo!." Her emotions were revealed through her voice wavering from the threat of tears. She took care to be loud enough for Nate to hear but not too loud for her parents to hear.
It seemed as though instantly, Nate was directly in front of her his hands in fists on her bed on either side of her him leaning in with his face impossibly close to her's. "My first time didn't mean anything to me. All those other girls turned out to mean nothing to me." His voice was low. "Whenever I think of the first time with you, I get nervous. I get scared." He paused for a good second. "You actually mean something to me." He whispered against her. "I don't want to screw this up." Shivers ran up and down her spine with the touch of his hot breath against her skin.
She never remembered ever feeling this insecure ever but with Nate, she always felt insecure. Somewhere in her heart, she convinced herself that she was not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not smart enough to be with Nate. He was a rock star and she was, well, she was Alex.
"Nate?" The night wind blew breezily over her shoulders pushing her hair back as they sat on the balcony of his apartment. "It's gorgeous up here." He nodded his head in agreement as they stared out at the night lights shining brightly back at them. "As much as I like it here with you, why don't we ever go out there where the lights are?" Her eyes darted to see his expression after her question. He didn't exude any expression except for a serene one which had been there since they started watching the city. She lowered her voice mixing her words with the sounds of life beneath them. "Is it because you're embarrassed to be seen with me?" Alex thought of the countless times when Nate had the option of going out to dinner with her but opted for a quiet night in just to watch TV and have pizza. She gave him plenty of time to respond but a response didn't come. Her eyes went over the city again and she tears began to well up in her eyes. "I've got to go." She pushed herself up off of the chair that she sat on. As she walked away, she felt something holding her back. Her eyes followed the grip back to Nate's saddened eyes.
"Alex, I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. I want to spend every single second I have left of summer with you and only you. I don't want to have to deal with the paparazzi ruining our good time." He sighed realizing she need more reassurance. "I think you're gorgeous." He pulled her closer to him. "I think you're funny." He came closer to her. "I think you're smart." His hands held her's. "I think you're perfect." His lips gently found her's.
All of the perfect moments she had with him were slowly going to waste as she realized these moments meant nothing. These moments were to fade with age and she wouldn't be able to keep them as time went on. She refused to let a tear spill from her chocolate orbs. She refused to allow him to see how she was really feeling. The tear of her heart. That deep feeling in the pit of her chest that wouldn't stop even with command. She couldn't help it. Her heart was breaking more every single second she let the realization of him leaving set in. When she first got with Nate, she knew he was a rock star. She just thought it would be a fun fling, a summer thing. When they started getting serious, the looming fact that he'd be leaving at the end of summer didn't seem like it was coming any time soon. Then when the time came, it hit her like a train leaving her speechless. "We can still be friends, Alex." She couldn't believe he just uttered those words to her. Only sissy boys said that to girls they didn't have the guts to break up with. She looked up hoping all of her tears wouldn't fall out as one slowly rolled down her cheek. His gentle fingers flew to wipe away the tear. His arms wrapped around her holding her closely.
She slowly pushed him away. Her voice wavered with tears, "You always seem to know what to say, Nate, but this time, that's not what I want to hear." Another tear fell, she pushed back her hair tucking the bangs behind her ear. "I don't think I can be your friend, Nate." Her voice broke with emotion and the flood gates opened up.
"Why not?" His voice was laced with confusion and disappointment.
"Because," her voice was altered by her stuffy nose, "it'll hurt too much." He pulled her to his warm body and embraced her knowing this wasn't going to last much longer.