A/N: It's been a while... This story doesn't make sense and I'm sorry about that... Too tired to care. I hope you enjoy it anyways. :)

Mostly focuses on onesided Kyle x Stan, but also mentions Kyle x Kenny... POV Kyle.

tschüß!

Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. If life is truly worth the pain I experience each and every day... Why do I continue on? What's the point?

When I was young, there was no questions like this. Everything was so simple, so black and white... There were no shades of gray. It was as simple as, I like this, and I hate that. Now...

Now everything is a opaque blur.

I constantly am doubting my importance in life, for I will live, die, and be forgotten. As simple as that. No matter what I do or say, I will be erased in time. No one will remember the skinny Jewish kid from South Park. With these thoughts, my life shifts, and everything feels... wrong. Nothing is as it seems.

Why the hell do I exist?

At the age of eight I had my first love. I hadn't realized what is was at that point, just that I loved being by this person, loved the way they made me feel. The way they made me smile, when they looked at me like I was the most important person alive.

Stan was so amazing...

He never realized it, for he too was caught up in his own young affection. Yet, for him it was much more simple. It was normal, he recognized his feelings for Wendy, and he acted on them. Society accepted their innocent exchange.

For being as smart as I was, I didn't have a clue about my love. No... That's not true. I knew what these emotions coursing through me were, but I... refused to acknowledge them. Ignorance was a bliss, and I was only a child... Only a fucking child...

I could have never understood the agony of accepting the truth.

So I ignored the pain twisting inside my chest when they were together, and took it all in stride the best I could.

Stan and Wendy stayed together for five years, on and off, the innocence of childhood beginning to morph into something new...

Then it happened.

The world suddenly became a picture of black and white, of gray scales and hazy definitions. Rain poured down from heavens, the clouds wailing above all of us, never ending anguish.

Lighting flashed abruptly, bathing his cold skin in white light, his eyes staring unseeing above to those heavens. It was almost like God himself was mourning the death of a boy who left earth far too early, who had so much left in store for him.

Everyone came to his funeral, even people I hadn't even known lived in South Park. No one could resist his pull... So many cried over his body, but I simply sat in back, paralyzed seated next to Wendy.

I'd never seen Wendy as still before that day. She was a tornado of energy, but when they closed Stan's eyes forever...

I think Wendy was buried with him.

Just like I was.

I was no longer a child, though I suppose I never really had been. I could talk endlessly about how Stan's death has changed me...

No words can come close. I am dead.

Tears never flowed for him, because they would have been forced, fake. I can't cry for myself... Stan wouldn't have wanted me to. He would have wanted me to move on, to smile when I remember him, and live life to the fullest.

But how can you live if you have nothing to live for?

Kenny and Cartman stayed close to me... They thought they knew what Stan's death had done to me. They were worried what I would do if I were left alone.

If only they knew.

My love shattered my hopes and dreams at the age of thirteen, when he swept them away in eternal darkness. I used to love swimming, even considered trying to do it professionally in the future.

I fucking hate the sight of water now.

Kenny tried to help me return to normal, but what is normal anyways? Was I supposed to laugh and be crude, like the other boys my age? To smile and act like I knew the world wasn't an awful place? That I wasn't damned?

Because I was damned. My love was going to send me to hell. My religion states that being... that loving men is wrong. That I'm a sinner who will burn in the pits of hell.

I'm so confused. Maybe they're right. Yet, Kenny knows about my feelings for Stan, and he doesn't hate me. He tells me that it's okay, that it's natural. That I'm not awfully corrupt, not meant for hell.

My head hurts.

Cartman had finally started to be rude to me again. On the surface, it appears that things are returning to normality. We argue and punch, just like we used to.

Then we pause for a moment, almost as if we are waiting for Stan to try to break us apart, before we realize it's never going to happen. He's gone...

It's already been a year... I feel far too tired and lost to only be fourteen. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel my age again.

I highly doubt it.

Yet, I've been shocked about other things. I don't know when I became so vacant... or when Kenny became so observant. He knows when I begin to wallow in misery, even when I hide it so well behind charming guises of happiness. He gets this glimmer in his deep blue eyes when he notices things...

If I mention a thing about it, he simply laughs it off and teases me gently. I wonder if that is his mask... the jester's paint.

I know I should try to peel his off, just as he is slowly cracking mine. Yet, whenever I look into his face...

His eyes remind me of the lake.

...I wonder when everything will stop reminding me of Stan.

Everyone has forgotten or moved on. Even I have in my own way...

Stan will always be here with me, always hold a special part of my soul, and I'm alright with that. It means that I'll never be alone, not when he's watching over me.

I can look into water now and not shudder in fright. I've visited that fateful lake, hand in hand with Kenny, and I finally wept over Stan's drowning. Finally felt the weight release of my shoulders when I let Kenny in, let him help... Accepting everything I had been denying myself.

I've come to terms with who I am, and I'm proud to admit that. It took me two long years to accept myself, but with Kenny's help, what I'd never have thought possible is now my life. I can smile again...

I wish I never would have taken that for granted. You shouldn't either. When you are finished reading my story, you probably won't take much from it. Hell, I'm not that memorable of a person. But please, whoever you are, don't take laughter for granted. Each time you smile, every moment of happiness you feel, cherish it. You never know if you could lose it all.

Life will never be the same for me. Sadness is apart of me, but I'm lucky enough to have Kenny, who pushes back the tides of misery. He brings the laughter into my life, he is the reason I'm alive. I would be lost without him and his love.

So if you are every pondering your importance in life, wondering why you exist, listen to me carefully. You exist for those moments. For the happy ones, the sad ones, and everything in between. You exist for the people around you, whether you hate them, love them, or your feelings are so many shades of gray.

You exist for every laugh, tear, kiss, frown, scowl, grin, scream, whisper, wink, song, hug, touch, belch, and cough. You exist for all those strikingly blunt human moments, who show life in every way, no matter beautiful or ugly.

I can't believe I almost threw all of that away.