I need a remedy.
I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. Life was easier, if more non-existent, that way. I'd rather have the dull void and the inability to cry than the deep searing pain in the pit of my stomach and the runaway tears I'm not always in time to catch. I want to hate him, I ache to hate him. But I can't. Something just won't let me. After everything he put me through I should never want to see his face again, but deep down I know it's really the first thing I want to see when I wake up.
Sleeping is the hardest. I took for granted how nice it was to wake up with Mike's arm curled lazily around my frame. I miss lying in bed watching crappy TV and being able to feel the rise and fall of his chest as we stayed close. Sleeping alone is the worst.
Why did he have to say those things to me a few nights ago? For eight happy months I had blocked him out of my head. It was by far the worst break up I had ever been through. Sure he didn't actually cheat on me, but hooking up with Kelly only a week after stung just as much. I always said he paid her too much attention. Then when he was done with her and had moved onto Eve I had to start running into him again. They would have to send me back to Raw where my only choice was to integrate myself back into our old circle of friends. Friends who had dutifully been dividing their time between us so I didn't have to face him.
On the surface I was ready to be back. I had started seeing Cody. He was everything Mike wasn't...sweet, nice, caring, and forgiving. I knew I didn't love him, and I never would, but he was a nice distraction and was helping me to heal. Helping me until the first night I saw Mike again and I knew instantly I wasn't over him. The only fair thing to do was break it off with Cody. His heart was in it a lot more than mine; I could tell he wanted more. I just couldn't give him that. I never thought I could get back together with Mike; I was just being fair to Cody.
The other night changed everything. We were all out, the whole Raw crew. Mike was there...so was Eve. We talked a bit. I've never had anything against the girl. She soon had a problem with me though as Mike dodged her all night before pulling me into a corner of the airless nightclub. We chatted politely until he dropped the bombshell that he still loved me. I didn't expect it. My reaction was to cry. All the feelings I'd suppressed for the past 8 months welled up and I was in tears. I couldn't believe the gall he had. He had left me in pieces. I essentially had stopped being human. I'd built a wall up so thick that nobody could get to the real me. Those few words pierced my heavy armour the moment he said them. I was so angry. It got worse.
He continued talking, saying that the four years with me were the best of his life. That everything he had with Eve was cast by my shadow, that I was present in his thoughts every day. For some reason I was filled with empathy for Eve. I had been the woman once cast aside because of Mike's roving eye and inappropriate behaviour, I felt bad for anyone else he could make feel like he had made me feel. I talked him into breaking things off with Eve, and inside me a tiny flicker of hope began building that he had grown up and he wanted me back. He loved me, so what would be the problem right?
I went home alone that night while he went to break it off with Eve. Stupidly I let that flicker grow as I made my way home. I allowed myself to feel actual emotions since that rainy Sunday night when he broke me. I let myself into my hotel room. I took my time getting ready for my phone to beep. Sure enough it was him, but not what I wanted to read.
He explained through a serious of messages about how he did in fact still love me, but couldn't be with me. He had realised that instead rushing from relationship to relationship he needed to be by himself; minus me, in any capacity. He felt so remorseful about our break up and how badly he treated me that he could never run the risk of hurting me again by getting back together and then disappointing me. Little did he know he had simply just re-broken the tiny part of my heart that I'd managed to repair.
The next night I saw him he was drunk. He was very drunk and Eve was history. Now he was trying in vain to get the attention of one of the new NXT divas, proclaiming loudly that she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I caught Eve's eye and once again had empathy. He's said that to both of us obviously. I'd once believed him. I took a better look at the diva. She was the polar opposite of me in every way. I sighed. I was going to have to rebuild every wall even thicker. I was going to have to defend myself from his blind attacks.
I nearly went home with Wade Barrett that night. We had been talking. In my drunken haze I let him steal a few kisses. When he suggested leaving I came to my senses. I found Michelle and made my exit.
The next day I stayed in my pyjamas. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I let myself sob the tears of eight frustrating months. I really don't know where to go from here.