Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Quinn had begun to wonder if you ever ran out of tears.
She'd spent so much time crying the past few months that she was sure the rest of the school thought she was mentally unstable, and sometimes in the evenings as she sat on Puck's couch, absentmindedly watching him play Super Mario Brothers, she would cry when she realized how much she missed her own home. He would ask if she was okay, move up to the couch to sit beside her, put an arm around her shoulders, but everything about it felt hesitant. She knew that he felt awkward, that he really didn't know what to do, and when she plastered on a smile and assured him she was fine, he believed her.
Finn never did. He would always know when something was bothering her, and it was surprising that she'd gotten away with lying to him for so long. That lie had ripped her apart inside, and every time she tried to confess, she couldn't get the words to form. When she had packed her things and gotten into Finn's car that night at her house, staring blankly out the window, he laid his hand on top of hers in her lap and the tears started. Because she had been kicked out, because her life as she knew it was over, because he was all she had left and she was tangling him into this horrible lie.
At night in the Hudson house, when his mom was working, Finn would put in a movie and sit behind her on the couch, pulling her back to him. She felt safe, and if she started to cry for no reason at all (which she was doing often these days), he would press a kiss to her forehead, tighten his grip, and tell her everything would be okay when both of them know it wasn't. She believed him anyway.
She realized, sitting in Glee practice one day, that with the exception of his awkward attempt at comfort, Puck never touched her. What they were doing couldn't even be called dating, she just lived in his house because he felt obligated to take care of her, and she knew that when he had his phone out, he was never just texting Mike Chang. During a break in rehearsal, she pulled him aside, out into the hallway, and took a deep breath.
"Listen, Puck, I appreciate everything you've done for me. I know you want to be able to pay for doctor's visits and let me live with you and do the right thing, but we both know this isn't working. You know you don't love me, and I can't let you do all this. I can't drag anymore people down with me than I already have."
"Quinn, this is my kid."
"I know. But Puck, we're seventeen years old. We're not cut out to do this. That's why we decided to give her to a family who can take care of her, and we both know that me staying in your house isn't making anything better."
"I'm not going to let you do this alone."
"I won't be. I have ten other people in that room who are more than willing to help me, some of them a little too excitedly." Quinn smiled, remembering Kurt's offer last week to find her maternity clothes that were "baby-chic".
She took his hand in hers, "You've been so good about this, but I think I need to let you go."
He smiled gratefully, and she hadn't realized he was as scared about this as she was. "But Quinn…" he started, and she looked up at him.
"Can I…can I still be there when she's born?"
"Of course you can." She replied, smiling.
"And even though you won't be living with me, I want you to tell me if you need anything, okay? I can pay bills, I can run errands for you, and…that sort of stuff. I don't want this getting around or anything, but I really liked doing things for you."
She laughed. "I'll call you if I need anything."
They walked back into the choir room, and everyone was staring at them, wondering what had happened in the hall to make them both smile for a change. Thankfully, Mr. Schuester started rehearsal back up, getting them out of explaining.
During the song, she glanced over at Finn, and he smiled back at her. She felt ten times lighter, because even though they weren't back to where they had been, after all of the glares and hurt looks, a smile was a long, long way to have come.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
Three weeks had passed since she'd left Puck's house. She had pulled Rachel aside one day and pushed past her embarrassment as she asked to stay at her house until she could figure out something more permanent. Rachel had surprised her by pulling her into an excited hug, and starting to ramble off about her dads thought she was brave for doing what Quinn was doing and she couldn't wait to have extra time to practice their Glee music together after school. Quinn rolled her eyes but smiled anyway, and was thankful that Rachel didn't hold against her all the years she'd been so cruel to her.
She was sitting in the hallway, waiting for Rachel to finish a meeting with Mr. Schuester on the other side of the school about their set list for Regionals, when a familiar voice called out softly, "Hey."
She looked up to see Finn, his backpack slung over one shoulder, standing in front of her. He didn't look angry or betrayed or any of the other emotions he had directed at her for the month after he'd found out what she had done. He just smiled, simply, and waited for her to say something.
"Hi." She couldn't help the huge grin that came across her face when she saw him happy again, and was surprised when he sat down next to her.
"So…how are you?" he asked.
"I'm…I'm better. I'm living with Rachel." She said, laughing, and he laughed too, shaking his head,
"That's got to be interesting."
"She's been pretty great about it, actually, she asks me about eight million times a day if I'm okay and offers to burn me mix CDs that will give my life more zen or something."
After they laughed together for a moment, she turned to him, her smile starting to fade. "I miss laughing with you, Finn."
"I…miss you too."
"I know that what I did to you was horrible, and I know that you'll probably never forgive me. But Finn, I like who I am when I'm with you. I didn't have to pretend to be perfect; I didn't have to worry about you judging me, ever. You've done so much for me that I didn't deserve, and you have to know that I love you for that. I always will. And even though Puck is Drizzle's father, you were always her dad."
His mouth dropped open a little at the word "drizzle", and she realized that she'd let slip the name that she'd been calling their baby-her baby, really- in the confines of her own head.
"I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You deserve to be happy, and I'm sorry I brought you into all of this. But I needed to tell you how much I missed being around you. You always loved me the right way and I'm never going to forget that."
He didn't answer, only looked confused as he processed.
"I have to go find Rachel, I'll…I'll see you at Glee tomorrow?"
She turned to walk away, trying not to cry at the thought that she'd probably never get over Finn the way he had probably gotten over her. You've done enough of that lately, she chided herself, stop crying.
"Quinn, wait."
She turned back around to find him just steps behind her, and he reached out a hand to tentatively wipe away the stray tear that had made its way down.
"I forgave you a long time ago." He said, his hand brushing against hers as it dropped back to his side. "And I still love you just as much as I did, no matter how hard I tried to get over it."
She opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her. "You lied to me because you love me, and I think…I think that's a lie worth working out. I think that we're worth it."
"Finn…" she couldn't find the words to say, and she started to cry in earnest for the millionth time, trying to grasp the fact that he still accepted her after everything that had happened between them.
He pulled her into his arms then, her tears running onto his shirt, and when they pulled apart, she could only whisper, "Thank you."
"Let's go," he said, pulling at her hand, "We have to talk, and my mom's waiting in the car outside."
"But Rachel-" she started, glancing down the hall.
"Never had a meeting." He held up his cell phone, which had a text sent to Rachel reading, We're working it out. Thanks for waiting around.
She smiled at him and they headed to his car, his arm winding around her back like it used to.
"Will you still love me when we're in the delivery room and I almost break your hand?" she asked. It sounded like a joke, and it partially was, but it still held the little bit of worry that she hadn't interpreted things correctly. She'd somehow expected that he'd be there, that he would go with her even though Puck would be on her other side, and she worried that he would realize he was making a huge mistake.
He could sense that she was nervous and tightened his grip, answering, "Of course."
They were sitting in the backseat of the car together, like they did before either of them could drive. Like they did for the homecoming dance or going to the movies back in freshman year, when neither of them would have seen this coming. Before she knew that being herself was okay, and she would still have friends to show for it.
They still had a lot of ground to cover, and she knew it wouldn't be easy. But for now, his hand was in hers, and she felt something she hadn't felt in a very long time.
Home.
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.