Okay, get ready for the longest A/N ever. I could not possibly write something as amazing as I wish that I could, or anything to express certain feelings and emotions, but I try. There are certain feelings that I can't capture, but I convey them as best I can. The past seven months have been the best of my life, and I wish I could bottle all of those emotions into a story, just so I could share them, and finally express how amazing I feel, but I can't, and then, all that matters is that one person knows how amazing I feel, and I know she does.

This is a song fic, but it's not for the iPod challenge, because it's for Kelsey. I hope you like this story, baby. It's only for you. I wish we had more 'right beside you' time. But one day we will. And we won't have to text each other on dates. I promise.

I love you.

let me show you what I'm made of
good intentions are not enough
to get me through today and this life

It was the most infuriatingly beautiful feeling she had ever known. The only thing that had ever left her feeling so at peace, and yet so incredibly resentful of the world they lived in. It was a conditional acceptance on both of their parts, and yet she couldn't pretend to care. She would consider it her secret life, and it was so much better than her public one.

And yet, it still hurt. The feeling of being ostracized for something neither of them could change; the feeling of sitting right next to someone, and being forbidden to touch them. But it was far worse than that. Even though they were there, in the same room, they were hundred of miles apart. One wrong move, one wrong glance, and it would be over.

The pain of it all was incredible, yet the splendor of their secret was overwhelming.

we sleep underneath the same big sky at night
i dream the same dream we can fly

It would have been much easier, in an alternate universe, or an alternate time. Maybe fifty years from now, things wouldn't be like this. That was the thought she comforted herself with; maybe one day they wouldn't have to hide. It was a nice thought, and she entertained it sometimes, when her heart was heavy, and she felt so completely desolate.

There were times when she would have liked a hand to hold; times when she needed comforting in the physical form, and she couldn't have it. Each day seemed to be longer than the next, and most of the time, she felt as if she were going crazy for human contact by the time the bell rang. There were small things, too; things that seem so trivial and everyday to others, and yet to her, they were exceptional. Being able to hold hands during a movie at the cinema, a quick and yet meaningful kiss on the cheek when she felt like doing it, not when they had checked a hundred times to make sure no one was in the surrounding vicinity. There were things that she would have given anything to be able to do, yet knew she could not. She would watch the others in the hallway at school and envy them; not for what they had, because she had much better, but because they were not restricted to showing emotions and feeling in public.

Sometimes, the lack of utter privacy they had was worse than being apart from each other.

you can run from me
and you can hide from me
but I am right beside you
in this life

She would await that blessed sound each day; the chiming of those bells that had never really meant anything more to her than the fact that she would have the evening free, or at least as free as her mother deemed it to be. But now, those bells were a sweet release; the reminder that, if only for today, the lies were up.

The walk home was often agonizing. Her mind would spin with a happiness that only she knew. Her friends would chatter aimlessly about things she could only pretend to listen to, because her heart wasn't in the conversation. She had grown very well at faking her way through a conversation, and they always seemed satisfied with her answers.

They would walk her to her front door, and usually tried to stay around and chat. Amber would regard them kindly for a moment, but only for a moment. After that, she would make up an excuse, and let herself into her home.

It was only a matter of moments from that point.

let me tell you who you really are
you're my comfort, you're not a superstar
let me reach up and bring you back down to the ground
and give you everything you dream about

She would wait anxiously for that casual rap of fingertips against the front door, and then pull it open hurriedly. They knew to greet each other coldly on the doorstep, but soon the door was shut, and it was only them. This was where their love could reside; behind closed doors, and beneath whispers. It wasn't something that could be shouted from rooftops, or displayed on a sidewalk. But then again, neither of them really felt that it needed to be. What more was love than a divine, ultimate connection between two people? It didn't need publicity, or promotion. All it needed was this; this moment of freedom, and the knowledge that, even if only for a few moments, words and actions didn't require restriction.

i'll give you all the things that I never get
give you all I have and have no regrets
take you to the places that I've never been

It was something so small; they would sit quietly together on the couch for a moment, when she could tell the other girl had things on her mind. Sometimes they kissed, or even talked, but most days, it was like this. Side by side they sat, their knees touching, their fingers intertwining as they held on so desperately to each other, perhaps without even realizing it. It was moments like these, no matter how few and far between they were, that made all of the sadness, and the sometimes accompanying loneliness worth it.

Amber needed that; she needed this moment each day to get by. No matter if it was late at night, or early in the morning, it was something she could not live without. An empty house, a whispered sentiment, even the feeling of their fingertips pressed together, it was something she so desperately craved.

If often felt too surreal to be happening, and she sometimes found it difficult to look away from Shelley's face, but, when she managed to, she would study their hands. The way they fit so perfectly inside the other's, and the way Shelley's pretty fingernails rested lightly against the skin of Amber's fingers.

"I missed you today," Amber's voice escaped her in a whisper. It was not something she did consciously.

"I know," the redhead replied quietly after a moment, and whether she realized it or not, her fingers squeezed Amber's just slightly. "I'm with you now, Amber."

"Yes, I know," Amber nodded in quiet agreement, pressing her head lightly against the redhead's shoulder, letting her eyes study the way their fingers linked together in perfect formation. "And even when you're not, you always are."

forgive you all the things that you can't forget
take away your pain with my healing hands
wash away your sins and set your spirit free

Song: In This Life

Artist: Chantal Kreviazuk