Songfic to Forgive Me by Evanescence. DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS.
Snape's feelings about what he did to Lily and its consequences, just about his guilt over her death, really. It's pretty short and I'm sucky at descriptions, sooo, just read.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKRowling and the Lyrics are by Evanescence. Not mine. Don't sue; you won't be getting much.
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
Severus Snape gathered up his wand and all but ran from the lake at Hogwarts. He ran blindly, ignoring the stares and sniggers of those he passed until he found his way to a small hallway behind a tapestry that was crammed between two classrooms. There he collapsed to the ground, hot angry tears streaming down his face. He wasn't angry at the Marauders, though. Well, he was, but not nearly as mad at them as he was himself. He and Lily had something special. She had been his only true friend through all of these years, before Hogwarts he had always been there when she was confused, or afraid of the unfamiliarity of magic. At Hogwarts, when he needed someone to talk to and his parents were fighting, when the Marauders picked on him, when people made fun of him and wouldn't talk to the 'greasy potions-obsessed git,' Lily had always been there. And now he'd gone and destroyed everything. With one idiotic word. He knew what he had to do. He would apologise and talk to her, even if he had to sleep outside the Gryffindor Common room all night.
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
He knew the moment she had come out to finally talk to him that he was fighting a losing battle. She was fed up, and no matter what he said, no matter how much he tried to convince her of how much he cared for her, the wrong words always spilled from his mouth.
"No-listen, I didn't mean-"
"-to call me a Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth a Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"
He couldn't answer her. He wanted to say so many things, but before he could even pull his thoughts together, she was gone, back into the Gryffindor Common room. He sighed, looking at the spot where she had just been standing, and whispered to himself.
"Because I love you, Lily." But she would never hear those words. Not from him. In fact, she rather determinedly ignored Severus for the rest of the two years they schooled together. He had walked up to the Evans house on several occasions during breaks from school, but she never seemed to be home.
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
It was when Severus was in his seventh year that he finally lost all hope. Lily was happily the girlfriend of James bloody Potter and whenever Severus so much as said hello to Lily, he was greeted by a sneer from Potter and his friends, and complete ignorance from Lily, as though they had never met.
The day after he graduated Hogwarts, the Dark Mark was seared into his left arm, a permanent reminder of his mistake two years before. Here, he would prove his worth. There was no going back.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
Severus relayed the entirety of the prophecy he had heard to the Dark Lord, kneeling at his feet. Voldemort smiled, and it was a twisted terrible sight to behold on a face distorted by so much hate and evil. He was muttering to himself, and Severus listened, though he didn't dare look up.
"Born as the seventh month dies... why, that could be one of two children..." He continued to mutter to himself, before turning to Severus once again. "You have served me well, Snape. You shall be rewarded."
When Severus discovered who it was the Dark Lord intended on killing, he momentarily took leave of his senses. Without thinking of the consequences, he begged the Dark Lord to spare Lily. It wasn't until he saw the cold expression laced with disgust on the Dark Lord's face that he considered the consequences of his decision. Horrified, he braced himself for the punishment that was sure to come.
A moment passed and he opened his eyes, somewhat confused. The Dark Lord took a breath.
"Very well, Severus. The Dark Lord rewards his most loyal servants. So long as the girl is sensible, she has nothing to fear."
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.
Severus' feet made a muffled crunching sound as they landed on the cold November ground, strewn with withered leaves and a light layer of fresh snow. He made his way slowly but deliberately toward the place that he had been avoiding for weeks. He had the strange idea that if he didn't come here, if he didn't see it, than it hadn't really happened. Lily was just continuing to ignore him, of course. She couldn't be...
Her name was next to his. That damned boy who had stolen everything from him. His dignity, his only friend, the love of his life. How dare he make her fall in love with him? He had had everything. His parents adored him and so did everyone at school. Severus wouldn't be surprised if there was a picture of James Potter next to the word 'Popular' in the dictionary.
He hated him. He hated him for not saving Lily, he hated Dumbledore for not hiding them better, and he hated the Dark Lord for killing her after saying he would not. But mostly, he hated himself. Lily's death was a tragedy in which the cause could be traced back to one day, to one event. Hell, to one word. Mudblood.
And it was all his fault. Severus fell to his knees and laid his hands on the top of the freshly dug grave. He wiped the thin layer of snow off of the dirt and took a deep breath, imagining her beautiful face and vivid green eyes, now cold and lifeless beneath the ground. He conjured a dozen white lilies and set them carefully on the ground before getting back up again.
"Please," he whispered, "Forgive me, Lily."
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
It's funny, I'm a major Lily/James shipper, but I found Lily and Snape's relationship just so tragic that it inspired me to write some Snape/Lily ish stuff. There seems to be something off with this story to me, like I'm missing something, but I can't put my finger on it so I just posted it as is. I heard this song by Evanescence and it completely made me think of Snape and Lily.
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