Hello! This is my first time writing Furt, and my vision for post-Goodbye Hudmel bros angst.
Song lyrics are from Eve 6's new tune Lost and Found, which is fantastic. I do not own them. Or Glee things.
Smooches to my awesome beta profitina. :-*
Heaven can you hear me I am calling from a land line
I need a good connection I feel like I'm losing my mind
The day is just about to break
I think it's safe to say, so am I
That night, Finn can't sleep. Not only can't he sleep, he can't envision a universe in which he'll ever be able to sleep again. In the twelve hours since she left he's been wondering about what Rachel's doing, if she likes NYADA, and whether he made a complete and total mistake sending her away the way he did.
When he thinks his brain is going to implode, he gets out of bed. On his way out of his room he shuts off the TV, which has been on the DVD screensaver for something like 2 hours after he watched The Hangover and all of the special features.
He trudges downstairs to his father's chair, settling into it and taking the urn off the shelf.
The last time he talked to his dad like this he was a little kid, too young to understand the true implications. Now, he's supposedly an adult, something he'd always looked forward to on the assumption that things would make sense. But apparently, being a "grown up" just means being full of unanswered questions and even less sure of his purpose in life.
Still, his dad is basically the reason he started down this road, the reason he has an appointment at the U.S. military recruitment office in Defiance in only a few hours. So he figures he'll give it a go.
He starts from the beginning. The very beginning, of growing up under the guise of Christopher's legacy, how tough things were for them when he was younger, how he started high school with dreams of being popular, all the way through dating Quinn and joining glee and Baby-gate and Rachel. He talks for an hour – at least – about Rachel.
When the sun is just about coming up it hits him that he is talking to his father's remains in a fucking urn and if that is what is going to happen him he just can't do it.
He can't do it to Rachel. It's bad enough he sent her away to New York on her own and left their future completely up in the air. He can't go off and potentially get himself killed.
He can't do it to his mom, he thinks as well. When he'd told her he was going to enlist after all she simply got up from the table with tears in her eyes and shut herself inside her bedroom, too overwhelmed and weary to say anything.
Regardless of what he wants to prove, there has to be another way.
That's probably what his dad would want to tell him anyhow.
Can you bring my legs to walk even though they're shaking
Will you get my head to stop all the plans it's making
The clouds are just about to burst
I think it's safe to say, so am I
Alone in the house, Kurt sits at the breakfast table, staring straight ahead while his granola gets soggy. It's overcast outside, which matches his mood.
The past 48 hours feel like a dream. He hasn't quite processed the bittersweet joy of graduating from high school followed by the crippling disappointment of being rejected from NYADA and topped off with the guilt from his participation in a scheme to send his best friend away on the day she was supposed to marry his stepbrother.
His head feels strangely blank despite the turmoil. He's already thought over his options for the next year countless times. He could get a job and take voice/drama lessons to earn a little money and improve his chances of getting into NYADA (or some other performing arts college) for the following year. He could intern for his dad in Washington, or assist with the reelection campaign, exposing himself to another potential career and a world outside the performing arts. Or, he could go to New York and see what the city holds for him outside of NYADA.
Blaine had been very compassionate upon hearing the NYADA news. Unspoken went the "I told you so" about applying to other schools, and the statement of relief at the fact that they wouldn't be apart quite yet, if at all. Support had come in the form of quiet reassurances that he had time to regroup and options open to him and would definitely make the most of whatever path he chose. His dad and Carole had basically said the same thing, with the requisite concerned-parent undertone.
So why didn't he feel like doing anything about it?
Can you train my mouth to shut when I feel like talking
Get my ears to open up and let a little love in
Lately I'm a ticking bomb and so are you
and we are here together
Finn arrives home from Defiance in the late morning, finding his brother in the kitchen poking at a bowl of soggy grains.
"When do you ship out?" Kurt deadpans without looking at him.
Finn can't tell if he should find the mockery of military terms endearing or insulting. So he sticks to answering the question.
"I, uh, don't. I couldn't do it. I withdrew my application."
Kurt's exhale of relief is palpable, which is definitely endearing. But then the waify teen turns sarcastic again. "Well, look at us, a couple of wayward youths, with no plans or direction to speak of."
A wry, ironic smile creeps across Finn's face. "Yeah, well, at least you have Blaine."
Kurt rolls his eyes. "I hope you don't plan on playing that card too often because it's going to get old really fast."
"Kurt, I –
"No, Finn." His brother turns to him, face serious. "I won't sit here and listen to you whine about how you're here and Rachel's there and you're not together anymore. It was supposed to be your wedding day, for Gaga's sake!"
"I told you already, it was the only way to get her to go," he explained calmly.
Kurt dumps his granola into the trash, snickering as he places the bowl in the sink. "You can't honestly believe that. You could have discussed it like adults. And at any rate, it's no excuse for ignoring her calls."
Finn winces. "It's just… it's too hard. We've been through too much and she doesn't need me weighing her down. I need to figure out what I want and what I'm doing." He looks down. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"Yes, because clearly I've had no struggles with identity," Kurt scoffs, storing off to his room and slamming the door.
"Kurt! Kurt, I'm sorry!" All he hears in response is Kurt absently singing along with "Poker Face". "Dammit," he grumbles.
Reluctantly, Kurt emerges from his room for dinner.
The din of clinking knives and steady chewing is disrupted when Carole awkwardly drops her fork onto her plate.
"I'm sick of this!" she says, flustered.
The three men at the table all stare at her tentatively, their chewing slow and tentative as they wait for her to say something else.
After an endless few seconds, she turns to her husband. "When do you need to be back in Washington?
Burt is a deer in the headlights, still a little stunned by her mini-outburst. "Uh, not 'til Tuesday. Why?"
Carole exhales. "Because I can't take this any more, all this moping." She gestures towards the boys and then wipes her mouth, thinking for a minute. All three of them stare at her until her face perks up and she speaks again. "Let's go camping!"
Burt's face breaks out into a smile. "That's a great idea, honey. We've never really taken a family trip before."
"Dad?! Are you serious? I can't go camping!" Kurt is incredulous.
Finn smirks. "Relax, dude. When I was younger we used to go to Shawnee State Forest. There are bathrooms and a locker room for showering. You'll be able to keep up with your moisturizing routine."
Kurt doesn't look pleased, but he stays quiet.
For the first time all week, Finn's a little bit excited.
Can you set my heart to beat no matter what I'm feeling
Will you take the wheel and drive, for miles I've been dealing
The day is just about to break
I think it's safe to say, so am I
Kurt can't believe he got talked into this ridiculous family trip. And to make matters worse, he was assigned the first shift of driving. This wouldn't bother him so much if it wasn't 6 AM.
It also doesn't help that they're driving east, in the direction of New York and his failed – or temporarily suspended – dreams.
Something about the mostly-deserted highway is comforting, though. He rarely gets up this early, let alone sets out into the world, and the expanse of possibilities reminds him of his current predicament.
He notices that Finn is awake in the passenger seat next to him, staring forlornly out the window while their parents sleep in the backseat.
"Do you think maybe we're going about this all wrong?"
Finn looks confused. "Nah, man, I mean we looked up the directions last night and it's basically I-75 to Cinci and then—"
"No, Finn." Kurt can't even believe his brother sometimes. "What I mean is… maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I can't believe that you really wanted to go to Pace to study acting. And maybe I don't really belong at NYADA. It might not be so bad to explore what else is out there, without any… outside influences."
"Maybe," Finn sighs. "But… and I know you're sick of me saying it, as long as Rachel's in New York I'm always going to wonder if what I'm doing will get me there."
It's then that Kurt understands.
For the entire week Kurt had thought Finn was stupid and heartless for ambushing Rachel and sending her off on her own, but it might have been the most courageous and selfless act he'd ever seen. Regardless of how they got there, Finn and Rachel were dealing with some heavy circumstances. In the heat of their love they'd made promises to each other without thinking them through. At the time the idea made him cringe, not because they shouldn't be together but because they're too young for marriage, especially if following Rachel was going to amount to Finn's loss of independent identity.
By contrast, Kurt and Blaine had treaded carefully, expressing their commitment to one another without any overtures or rash decisions. And he feels fortunate that his relationship has been on more of an even keel. When they return from camping he'll go to Blaine's house and tell him about the trip and vent about whether he'll reapply to NYADA or try for some other schools. And maybe he and Blaine will wind up together in the end and maybe they won't, but in the meantime he can focus on what his next step is with his boyfriend's support and comfort. His dreams may be deferred or uncertain but his heart is intact.
Open the floodgates now, let the water come down
That night, Kurt and Carole retreat to the tent to sleep immediately after they finish dinner, citing exhaustion from the drive down and the family's afternoon hike.
Burt and Finn sit by the campfire in silence for a little while. Then, Burt peers in the tent window, studying his wife's sleeping form before reaching way down to the bottom of the cooler and pulling out two beers.
Finn grins when his stepfather passes him the can of Bud Light. It's a ritual they'd picked up when he turned 18. In response to Carole's objections that Burt was now a lawmaker and shouldn't be encouraging his kids to flout the legal drinking age, he said that there was nothing illegal about bonding with said kids by having one beer at home while watching a game. (If for some reason Kurt was home instead of out with Blaine, he partook in the tradition with a glass of his stepmother's chardonnay.)
"You know," Burt said slowly after they'd each had a few swigs, "the offer to run the tire shop is an open-ended thing. Something you could do now, in five years, or in twenty. No pressure."
"Thanks, Burt," Finn responded sincerely. "But I feel like I may belong somewhere else."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
Finn laughed sheepishly. "You were hoping I'd want to set off into the world without a clue as to what I'm doing?"
"Hey, sometimes 'having a clue' isn't part of the plan. Do you think I knew the first thing about what it means to be in Congress before I decided to run?"
"So you're saying I should just go to New York? Without a plan?" he asks, confused by his stepfather's vague analogy.
Burt takes a long pull from his beer and swallows evenly. "I'm saying that life is basically one set of uncertain circumstances after another, but that uncertainty isn't a reason to shy away from what you believe in. The sun's going to come up tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next, no matter what you decide to do. No sense waiting around for everything to magically fall into place before you make a plan out of whatever you've got."
Finn ponders Burt's words, smiling thoughtfully and taking another sip of beer.
Then they both turn back to the fire, watching it until it goes out.
The monster in the closet, when the lights turned on
Is just a jacket on a hanger and the fear is gone
And the world keeps turning, sun keeps burning
We are the lost and found,
Gonna make it through another day
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