Dear journal,
Expressing my emotions by word was always something I enjoyed. It was more personal than singing. With singing you always have the problem that the words aren't yours and even if you write it yourself, it would never be the same as written for yourself.
Always have I been able to tell my day in the form of words. Even in the deepest and darkest of days my expression through written words has been an easy task. However, today something has happened that isn't possible for me to find out what it is. I have feelings that I never had before. They are recognizable, but not this strong. And if it is what I think it is, is it even possible? Can I be in love?
Maybe I should begin from the beginning. It was a normal day, right after coming home I realized we had to do grocery's. After arguing with Cooper on who had to do it, and I was sure it was his turn to do it, going seemed a better idea than letting Cooper buy all the wrong stuff. My mood was getting worse by the second, as I found out my car was running out of gas. Too bad, this was as I was driving, with no gas station nearby. After pushing the car half a mile or so, and coming to the realization walking to the gas station to get gas and then come back also was an option, the gas station was, luckily, open. But my little adventure with the gas station wasn't were it happened. It wasn't were I met him.
Looking for some vegetables, I noticed him standing near the oranges. He looked happy, but somehow there was a cloud of sorrow hanging over him. The way he stood there reminded me of myself, trying to cover the pain I had in those awful times. Only, he was different. He had a glow of pride, something I never had. The boy seemed so genially happy about who he was, even though others weren't happy about it. To describe this by words or by song isn't possible. As my curiosity for him grew I knew this was my one, and probably only, chance to at least talk to him I thought of ways to confront him. My flirting qualities are far beyond bad and approaching someone in the midst of a grocery store isn't in my comfort zone. Still, there was something, something indescribable, that he had. Something that I was willing to have and something I wanted to know.
I approached him, mind on zero and determined to try and find out why he was so appealing to me. While I was just a few feet away from him, I got cold feet. My feelings have been wrong before, so why not now? Just before reaching him, I turned. He noticed me, his eyes following my move. Eyes bluer than the sky, drawing me into his soul. Again, feelings that are indescribable. But those eyes will be in my mind till the day I die. Not only a color, but the power they showed wanted me to be as close as those eyes as possible.
Deep down, I know I'll never see him again. And I know it is stupid. But these feelings are the thing I've heard about. These feelings are love. Call it faith, destiny, jumping teenage hormones or whatever you prefer. I know this is real, it is for me. And I also know it'll never happen again.
Maybe love isn't for me.
Blaine.