I said it, it had to be said, (Going off Script)

by SongBirdie

Or 4 conversations in Singled Out that could have gone a different way, and 1 that never happened at all, but should have. A 4&1 A.U. take on Singled Out. Written for the Fix it Challenge on NFA.

I said it, it had to be said (Going off script)

Disclaimer: I do not own or make any claim on NCIS; it is the property of its respective creators.

Bolded characters names are followed by direct quoted lines from the episode Singled Out, written by David J. North. I use lines from this episode purely for plot purposes, and make no claim on it.

Written for the Fix It challenge on NFA.

Summary: Or 4 conversations in Singled Out that could have gone a different way, and 1 that never happened at all, but should have. A 4&1 A.U. take on Singled Out. Written for the Fix it Challenge on NFA.

Rating: F15

Warnings: Characters being confronted on their actions, and some not responding to that nicely. I do not believe I was unfair to the characters, I tried to just take their words and actions one step farther, but if hearing that Gibbs isn't perfect, McGee can be snotty, Tony does have a limit, Jenny cares about her MCRT, and Ziva lashes out when upset, are not what you want to read, please hit the back button.

Also, some cursing and what may be considered hurtful words between characters follow below.

Timeline: This is a 4&1 A.U. one-shot about the episode Singled Out, 4x03.

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Conversation one

McGee: "Things change."

Tony: "Yes, I know. I used to be team leader, Pro-o-o-bie."

McGee: "Temporary team leader. And that was only because Gibbs quit."

Tony: "You don't think I rate my own team?"

McGee: "You wouldn't be here now if you did, would you, Dinozzo?"

His smile was something dark and painful. He leaned over McGee's desk and almost hissed, "You're absolutely right, Tim. I wouldn't be here if I did, and its' funny that in under 72 hours I'll be in Rota, Spain, the new Team Leader of their brand spanking new NCIS MCRT team. And you'll be Senior Field Agent to Gibbs. I wish you the best of luck, because you're in for hell." He leapt off the desk and strode for the stairs.

McGee scrambled to keep up with him. "Tony, come on! It was a joke, okay? This isn't funny!" McGee hurried to follow after him.

He could feel his feet pounding the stairs. It was better than McGee's face. Cynthia must have seen or heard him coming, because she waved him into the director's office. He could have sworn she grinned when he slammed the door in McGee's face, and locked it when he tried to get in. He turned around.

"You look angry." Her eyebrow was raised, but she didn't look overly surprised.

"Tony, come on, Gibbs wants to talk to you!" McGee's voice was muffled, but still audible through the thick door.

He tried to smile at her. "Is the job offer still open?"

She seemed to be trying to looking through him. "Yes."

"How soon can I accept?"

She seemed to decide she couldn't find out what she wanted to know sitting down, because she got up and walked over to him, and looked him straight in the eyes. He tried not to squint at her. She nodded and dragged him to the chair in front of her desk. He sat down when it was clear she wouldn't talk until he did.

She smiled at him. "You just did. Congratulations, Tony."

His phone rang. He was answering before he realized it, and "Tony, why did McGee call and say these lies about you leaving? Tony!" was being screamed in his ear. He slammed the cell shut.

He groaned. "I can't believe he called Abby."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I probably need to, before McGee tells the whole building, but we can't exactly force them to be quiet."

She smirked at him. "I'm the Director of a federal agency. Wanna bet?" She hit her intercom. "Cynthia? Can you have security take Agent McGee for a walk?"

"Yes, Director."

"Oh, and make sure they take his cell phone."

"I'll pass it on."

He gaped at her. "You're arresting McGee! How is that going to help?"

She raised her eyebrow at him. "I'm not arresting him; I'm putting him in timeout. That's what you do with children throwing tantrums. And you wanted to talk. I'd say we now have ten minutes to form an immediate emergency plan of offence."

As he looked at her devilish smile, and felt his own responding one, and heard McGee screaming at him as security took him for a 'walk,' he had no clue what he was getting himself into, here, in Rota, with his friends. But he had a feeling it was going to be an adventure of a lifetime.

Conversation Two

Jenny: "You should be proud of him."

Gibbs: "Dinozzo?"

Jenny: "When you left, there were some rocky moments. He really held the team together."

Gibbs: "That's what I trained him to do."

Jenny: "I just thought you should know he excelled at it."

Gibbs: "Then give him his own team, Jen."

Jenny: "You think he's ready?"

Gibbs: "I wouldn't have quit if he wasn't."

Jenny: "You should tell him that."

Gibbs: "Oh, trust me. When Dinozzo thinks he's ready for his own team, you'll know about it. Hell, the whole world will know about it."

Her anger at him, repressed and added onto for four very long months, simmered over. He had abandoned them, abandoned her, in the wake of a secret he kept all this time, and now he had the nerve to insult the man who had had to pick up the pieces of his mess! If she couldn't yell and scream at him like she wanted to, tell him how selfish he was, (how she'd worried every day while he was gone that he had choked to death on his own vomit in some hellish place, only God knows where; after drinking too much bourbon, and no one would know to call them, call her, to let them know he was dead, that anything could happen to him and she wouldn't know) couldn't tell him how he was to blame for Abby's tears, Ducky's quiet anger, Ziva's feelings of betrayal and abandonment, Tim's now cynical outlook on things, and darker, harder humor, and Tony struggling to serve too many Gods, while devastated and bitter he'd been left behind again, if she couldn't tell him how his leaving had broken something inside her, she could at least stand up for Tony at this moment.

"I do know, Agent Gibbs. The worldwide media must have missed the announcement, but I have no doubt Agent DiNozzo will make a fine Team Leader. He has for these past few months. And you'll have to excuse me if I take your insights under a bit more of a closer look than I usually do. You are basing them on outdated intel, after all."

His eyes zeroed in on her, that ridiculous moustache twitching from the force of his scowl. "Jen? What are you talking about?"

Oh, hell, Tony didn't want anyone to know. Damage control, Jen, quick! If it does come out, well, I'm sure I can make it work. Tony might even thank me for it, one day. Maybe; hopefully.

"I'm trying to tell you that the world didn't stop spinning while you were on your four month bender, Jethro. You were gone, and we had to adapt to that change. You can't just come back, reclaim your desk in a truly horrific fashion, and think that everyone will just fall in line and pretend these past four months never happened. Because they did."

"I don't hear anyone complaining, Director."

Great, now he's calling me by my title. And there's no way he can be that oblivious.

"Don't or won't, Agent Gibbs? Just because you refuse to see or acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't there-"

"Like what? Just what do you think I'm refusing to see, Jen?" He took a step toward her, and put finger quotes around refusing.

How dare he mock her, actual finger quotes, that man! Oh, he asked for it.

"Do you want the whole list, Jethro? You haven't done anything about Ducky's anger at you leaving, at you keepings the mother of all secrets, Tim's snideness toward Tony, his attitude problems, Abby's codependence on you, that when you left it was all we could do to keep her going, the fact she's still hurt and angry at you, but she's afraid if she lets you know you'll leave again, Ziva's abandonment issues that you stirred up causing her to revert back to her Mossod mode because she didn't want to be hurt again, and that meant she didn't trust Tony, her calling you for help with the FBI proves that, throwing Tony under the bus with an 'you'll do', expecting the team to respect him when it's clear you don't, reclaiming your leadership of the team without speaking to him, by moving his things back to his old desk, and not even saying thank you for the fact he held everyone together when they didn't make it easy, and when he was struggling himself. Those are just the main things I think you're refusing to deal with." At some point she had started shouting, and she was dangerously close to Gibbs now, only a step away, her face tilted up towards his.

He looked like he'd been forced to swallow a very tart lemon. His lips were pressed together, his moustache was twitching again, and his glare was at full force. She didn't give an inch, literally or figuratively.

"Until I hear any of those complaints, or others, from those people, I'd ask that you not tell me how to run my team, Director. Now, we're done here." He stepped around her and went for the door.

"You're going to lose them." Seeing that he'd stopped stomping toward the door, she continued. "As much as I know you hate talking about your feelings, admitting weakness, or God forbid, apologizing, if you don't do so now and instead refuse to deal with these issues, then you'll lose them, Gibbs. Maybe not this week, or this month, even this year, but one day something will cause them to snap that wouldn't have if you'd dealt with this now. And you'll have only yourself to blame. So fix this, Jethro."

The only sign that he'd heard her was the tightening of his shoulders. Otherwise, he gave no hint that he'd even been listening.

"Trust needs to be earned; you can't just expect it to be given. Only fools do that, and I know you're not in the habit of working with fools, Agent Gibbs." She stared straight at the back of his head, hoping some part of what she was saying was sinking into his thick skull.

His only reply was to wrench the door open, and slam it shut.

She sighed, and leaned against the wall. Well, that could have gone better. Still, it went much better than she thought saying those things ever would. And it could have been far worse. Speaking of, she needed to text Tony that Gibbs would be in a foul mood, thanks to their little chat. He didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of Gibbs' temper for something that was Jethro's problem, therefore Jethro's mess.

She shook her head, and straightened up. This agency wouldn't run itself. She'd just have to hope some of what she'd said to Jethro would sink in, and that he'd fix this mess. If not, and he messed it up, well, at least she had tried. Tony could go be Team Leader in Rota, and maybe she'd take a vacation. All this stress couldn't be good for her.

3. Conversation Three

Jenny: "These orders are for you."

Tony: "NCIS Rota, Spain?"

Jenny: "Your own team. Congratulations."

Tony: "Wow, uh… I don't know what to say."

Jenny: "Your performance these last four months has been exemplary. You've earned it."

Tony: "What about La Grenouille? That took months getting in."

Jenny: "You're not getting too involved, are you?"

Tony: "Only in the mission. If we put another agent undercover, La Grenouille will smell it."

Jenny: "So you're passing on a promotion that any other agent in this building would kill for all because you're worried about some long-shot mission? I don't think so."

Tony: "Okay. I'm worried about Jethro."

Jenny: "Jethro's fine."

Tony: "Then how do you explain that thing on his upper lip? He looks like Wilford Brimley, Junior."

Jenny: "So you're turning down a promotion because of a moustache?"

Tony: "His memory is still screwed up. He called Ziva "Kate" yesterday. I just want to make sure he's a hundred percent before I leave."

Jenny: "I see. And how long might that process take?"

Tony: "I don't know. Maybe … a few months?"

Jenny: "How does seventy-two hours sound?"

Tony: "Very fast."

Jenny: "It wasn't a question. I need an answer by the end of the week. Tony, if you pass this up, another opportunity like this might not come up for years."

At those words, something inside him snapped. Four months of frustration, of putting on a smile and a brave front when all he wanted to do was to curse Gibbs and scream his pain out, four months of being what his team needed, even if it wasn't who they wanted, wasn't what he wanted, four months of never being enough, no matter what he said or did. Four months of being compared to a man who willingly left them, a coward he thought was a hero. He thought if Gibbs came back he could ignore the fact he'll never forgive him for leaving them (him) when things got tough, like everyone else in his life has. He thought everything would be okay if he just came back. It's not. Gibbs can pretend he didn't abandon them all he wants, but he didn't go on a damn vacation. He's been left and abandoned enough times to know if someone plans to come back (to him). The day Gibbs told him "you'll do", he knew that he'd never see Gibbs again if the man had a say in it, that he'd fade away; never to return, unless they summoned him back. And at that point, he wasn't sure he'd answer their calls.

"Semper Fi." Always loyal. Never leave a man behind. He can't forgive Gibbs for the fact he willingly forgot his own life mottos (mottos he learned from him, adopted and adapted from him) and left a team of men (and women) behind. Can't forget the fact the Gibbs wasn't loyal, not to him, to Ziva, to Tim, to Abby, to Jenny, to Ducky, to Jimmy. Leaving his men behind is a disgrace to Shannon and their daughter's memory. He's sure they had been sick of Gibbs leaving them behind, too.

Did he really think he could just come back, and everything would be like it was? That they wouldn't have changed? The others may be happy to return to 'normal' to 'the way things should be.' Normal is what you make of it, as is the way things should be. Both are fluid things, changing with the time and place; rigid views and dreams have no place among them. He'd forgotten that, before Gibbs left. But he remembers it now. He's not sure the others have ever even thought about it. Ducky, probably, he's seen and done a lot, it would fit his world view. Maybe Ziva, but it's clear by the way she's acted lately she's chosen to forget it, and hold onto rigidity. With a life as turbulent as hers, he can understand. But just because he gets a part of it, (he doubts he'll ever figure out everything about anything with Ziva) doesn't make it hurt any less, doesn't make it okay. He'd thought she most of all would understand. Generals die, or retire. So many soldiers earn their rank by necessity, because their boss is dead, and they're the next in line. You don't see the other soldiers nit picking that man's orders, not if they want to live. Units have to be a team, or they'll destroy themselves from the inside out. He learned a lot these past six years. And he did attend a military boarding school.

But I won't be him. I can't go. Gibbs isn't right in the head. (Gibbs made his choice when he abandoned me) He needed to leave. (He was already on medical leave. He ran, like a coward. I stayed.) I had to. (I didn't have to do anything.) I heard her, an exemplary performance these last few months. (I held this team together with Caff!Pow's, head-slaps, jokes, and my own sheer frickn'will and stubbornness, and do they appreciate it, no!) They missed Gibbs. I missed Gibbs. (Gibbs left. I can't forgive him for that, and I'll never forget.) I could stay. (And hear more jokes about being childish and to get over it, because I'm such a bad leader and mister almighty has returned? Right) What would happen if I left? (Gibbs is a grown man. Ziva is a trained assassin. McGee has a nice, normal family. Abby will have Gibbs. Ducky would understand. Jimmy will leave here for better waters soon enough. They would be fine. ) And the undercover mission? (Isn't something I want to be a part of. Something about the whole thing is just, off. And Jeanne is a nice girl. I don't want to lie. Besides, if something is off with it, it would better that I'm not there to help it proceed.) I'd like to have my own team. (Mum always said one must know when to cut off the hand that feeds you before it strangles you. Which is still as weird and creepy as it was when I was a kid. Plus, she never took her own damn advice.) But her point still works. If I want to remember my time here positively and save the friendships I've made, I need to go. (I need to go for me. For them. Change is the only constant. Can't ever forget that.)

"Would you keep an eye on Gibbs for me, then? On them all? I won't put my life on hold for them, but I do want to know they're okay."

"I'll look after them personally. Are you accepting, then?"

(Change is the only constant. They'll be fine. I need to do this.)

"Yes. Tell me what's next, Jenny."

Conversation Four

Ziva: "Since when do we investigate stolen cars, Tony?"

Tony: "Since it belongs to a sailor and someone appears to have been slaughtered inside it."

Ziva: "So where's the body?"

Tony: "Well, that's kind of the reason we're here. Goes with the whole criminal investigative thing."

Ziva: "Oh, okay. I understand."

Tony: "Understand what?"

Ziva: "You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back."

Tony: "I do not!"

Ziva: "You have been whining like a little snitch all week!"

Tony: "The term is 'bitch.'"

Ziva: "I know. I was being polite."

Tony snorted. "Since when?"

Ziva glared at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

He turned toward her, his arms crossed over his chest, a frown on his face. "It means you've been nothing but rude, argumentative, unpleasant, and disrespectful to me ever since Gibbs left."

Ziva felt heat rise to her face, flushed as she was with indignation. "How dare you!"

Tony laughed at her, in her face. "How dare I? I think this talk is far overdue, don't you, Officer David?"

His voice sounded nothing like the person she had grown to consider a good friend, a best friend, her teammate. It reminded her of how he'd sounded when she'd first reported to NCIS for her assignment as liaison officer. Cold, disdainful, distrustful, each word aimed for maximum pain. Well, two could play that game.

"What's the matter, Tony? Can't handle a few jokes? You sure don't mind playing them."

He only raised an eyebrow. "Is that what they were? Jokes?"

She felt like shaking him. "Yes!"

"So you didn't mean them? And don't lie to me, Ziva."

She paused, realizing she couldn't honestly say she hadn't meant most of those things. She snapped her mouth shut.

He nodded. "That's what I thought."

Angry at him for making her talk about this, wanting it to just go away, she threw her hands up. "Well, just, grow a pair and forget about it, Tony! You are not Team Leader anymore, Gibbs is back, and things are back to normal."

He stepped back from her; leaving her feeling like something was wrong and she hated it. "But are they right?"

She growled at him. "If this is some kind of pride thing-"

He cut her off. "Why did you call Gibbs for help instead of me?"

She had not expected that, had hoped he would never ask. "What? Is that what this is about? Really, Tony-"

"I need to know why you didn't trust me, Ziva. It's not like I wouldn't have gone against the FBI for you. I did anyway, even when you cut me out. Why didn't you trust me? With the FBI, all those months as Team Leader? What was it?" The look on his face was painful to see, desperate, with anger and self-loathing mixed in.

She hated how the emotions in it made her feel. She hated that this man could turn her carefully controlled world upside down with a simple flash of his smile. All this rose up in her, and she lashed out.

"It should have been you! You should have been on that ship, not Gibbs! Everything would have been better for all of us if Gibbs had never stepped foot on that damned ship, and if you had died on it! I wish you had!"

The moment the words left her mouth, she felt like throwing up. She had thought those things fleetingly, in the dead of night, only a handful of times, after some very hard days during the past few months. She'd never meant them, and had always felt dirty, shamed to even think them right after they'd run through her mind. She couldn't believe she said it aloud.

Tony looked like she'd stabbed him, wrenched the blade in, and twisted. Tears were gathering in the corners of his eyes, his hands were fisted together so tightly they were white from the pressure, and she could see his nails cutting crescent circles into his palms.

She took a step toward him, but stopped when he flinched away. "Tony, I'm sor-"

He blinked his eyes, and she could see his face shutter, all the emotions bleed away as if they had never been there, and stared at something right next to her shoulder. "I can't grant your wish for my death, Officer David, but you won't have to worry about working with me again."

She felt something in her stomach tighten, and her heart started beating hard. "Tony, please-"

He still wouldn't look at her. "I'll call a cab to take me back to the Yard. You'll work with Gibbs for the rest of the case, and I'll work with McGee. Good luck, Officer David." He turned to walk away, but turned back, and she flinched at the emptiness she saw in his eyes. "I'd say it was a pleasure working with you these past few years, but you don't seem to feel the same. It was though, for a while." He smiled, and it was all sharp edges and no warmth, and walked away.

Ziva felt as though the bottom had dropped out of her world. She had, for all intent and purposes, gotten her wish. And she was left standing alone, watching him walk away, thinking to herself that she'd just ruined the best thing she'd ever had. And she hated herself for it.

Plus 1 conversation that never happened at all, but should have:

RING. RING. Tony jerked up, from a rather nice dream, and glared in the direction the noise was coming from. His clock said it was 3:00 in the morning, and he'd had a late night. RING. He grasped around his bedside table for his cell. It fell off, falling down somewhere. Throwing off his blankets, he cursed criminals who couldn't wait until it wasn't an ungodly hour to do their dastardly deeds; he got up to find it, hitting his head on his headboard. "Damn it!" Clearly, this was not going to be a good day. Finally finding his phone in between his comfy bed and bedside table, he picked up.

"Someone had better be dead." As soon as he said it, he felt like smacking the back of his head. Chances were, someone was.

"Not yet, DiNozzo. Did you forget Rule #3?"

He almost dropped the phone in shock. Gibbs! Gibbs was calling him, at 3:00 in the morning. If no one was dead, wait, he said not yet, does that mean someone's on their way to dying? Oh, god, the boss is dying!

"Where are you, Boss? What hospital? What did the doctors tell you it was-" Where the hell had he put his passport? How did his pants end up on that side of the room?

"DiNozzo-"

"Cause you should get a second opinion, I mean, you're in Mexico, the doctors here are way better-" He was balancing the phone between his head and shoulder, hopping on one foot, trying to put his shoes on.

"DiNozzo!"

"And Abby would kill me if you didn't, you can't die Gibbs-". No, he wasn't thinking about that, he wasn't. Abby! He had to call her. That'll be a horrible conversation. He should tell McGee first.

"I'm not dying, Tony!"

He stared at the phone. Shook it. Hoped to God he wasn't hearing things.

"You're not?"

"No, Tony," Gibbs sighed.

I will not strangle my phone, I will not strangle my phone, I cannot strangle Gibbs, he mentally chanted.

"Then why did you let me think you were?" He really hadn't meant to shout that.

"I didn't."

"Gibbs, it's 3:00 in the morning, you've just taken five years off my life, please get to the point." He was blaming the fact he actually said that on lack of sleep.

"I was calling to tell you that I'm staying in D.C. I'm not fit for retirement, apparently."

He had to be dreaming. He just had to be. Gibbs had refused to even consider coming back the two times he'd been dragged from his beach in Mexico to help, first Ziva, than Emily Fornell. And since he'd thought that Gibbs would have been back the first week, it really didn't surprise him he wanted back in the field. Gibbs was not the type to sit quietly and do nothing.

"You're coming back?" And he bothered to tell me! This wasn't Gibbsain behavior.

"Yes."

"And you want to be Team Lead again?" Please say yes, please say yes, he chanted silently.

"Yep." It took all his restraint not to do a jig right there on his cluttered floor. Yes, he was done! No more having to be in charge, no more comforting Abby, no more arguing with Ziva, but he'd still tell McGee to speak English. Gibbs was back!

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear that, Boss." He felt like the smile was going to crack his face, it was so wide.

"Good to hear, DiNozzo."

"There's something I want to tell you, Tony." The smile dropped away. Was Gibbs mad at him? He'd done the best he could these last few months, but he knew he'd made mistakes. Even Gibbs does, some part of his mind whispered. He decided to ignore that idea for now.

"Boss?"

"Thank you. You did a real good job these past few months." How many times had he wanted to hear Gibbs tell him that these last four months? If he was dreaming, he didn't want to wake up.

"And I'm sorry." He actually did drop the phone then.

"Sorry, Boss."

"Don't apologize, it's a-"

"sign of weakness, right, Boss."

"You deserved more than a 'you'll do.' You've gone above and beyond for the team since I was hurt. I'm proud of you. And it's not weakness between friends."

He was pretty sure a lightning bolt could strike him right now, and he wouldn't care. He could die happy.

"That doesn't mean I'll be going easy on you at work."

"Of course not, Boss. This will be our little secret."

"Good."

"Right."

"Get some sleep, DiNozzo. Got a long day tomorrow."

"Night, Boss."

"Night."

He set the phone down, and flopped onto his bed. He was still wearing one shoe and his jacket, but he didn't care. Gibbs was proud of him. Gibbs thanked him. Gibbs was coming back! It was going to be a great day.

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July 30th, 2012