His Mother's Eyes
This fic takes place during Harry and the gang's third year when Remus is teaching at Hogwarts.
The words in bold are the song lyrics.
Remus Lupin, professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, shut the door to his office heavily and walked over to the window. He gripped the smooth slab stones of the sill and stared into the drizzle of the storm. It seemed to be slowing down now, the great claps of thunder and the cracks of lightening had quieted and only the soft sounds of slight rain could be heard. Today had been an especially difficult day, the full moon was drawing near, the Slytherins seemed to be hell bent on making his life especially difficult and the constant reminder of James and Lily's deaths in the form of the ex-convict that escaped form Azkaban who was otherwise known as his ex-best friend Sirius Black.
All of Sirius's attempts of get into the castle, to get at Harry, his own godson, were a constant reminder that he, Remus, was the last of the Marauders. He was alone, without any of the men who had become his brothers over the years. He could remember better times in and out of Hogwarts. He could remember Sirius, in his better days, riding that stupid motorbike all over the skies, Peter finally making his first anamagi transformation, James ruffling up his hair to make Lily glance in his direction with a smile instead of a scowl of disapproval and Lily…Remus could see her sheet of scarlet hair hanging over her face and then with a flip of her head, she looked into his own eyes with her's. Remus's breath caught in his throat as the memories emerald orbs flashed, bringing back all of the feelings that he had buried for his best friend's true love came bubbling up to the surface.
Strangely quiet but now the storm
Simply rests to strike again
Standing, waiting, I think of her
I think of her
Severus Snape, professor of Potions at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, slammed the dungeon door of his office. The gust of wind created by the force of him shutting the door picked up many of the piles of paper that were stacked all over his desk and sent them flying all over the room. With curses flying out of his mouth, Severus threw his cloak and wand on his chair and set to gathering up the mess he had just made.
A soft knock broke him away from the gathering of his papers, "What," he barked.
"Professor Snape, I just came by to drop off my essay on…," the black haired, green eyed boy trailed off when he saw the look on his potions professor's face, "Umm…yeah, so here's my essay…"
But Severus cut Harry off before he could finish, "Do you realize that this paper was due ten minutes ago…"
Harry interrupted, "You weren't here when I came to drop it off earlier."
"As I was saying," Severus continued, "that's ten points for the tardiness of your work and another ten points for your disrespect. Now get out of my office!"
Harry opened his mouth as if to argue with his professor but the look that Severus gave him seemed to stop him. He turned around and walked to the door. As he turned the door knob, Harry turned and looked back at Severus and then he scurried out of the dungeon.
Severus went back to gathering his papers but now all that he could see were those green eyes, the eyes of Lily Evans Potter. Seeing that boy every day was the most difficult thing that he had ever encountered. If the boy simply had James's eyes, Severus would have had no problem just hating the boy but, he didn't. No, Harry had Lily's eyes and Severus couldn't hate those eyes. Every time Harry looked at Severus, he would see Lily and his heart would swell with that forgotten, or tried to be forgotten, feeling. Even after the boy would leave, Severus would still feel that elated feeling before it was punctured and he was brought to the cold reality of how his life really was.
Strange this Harry, he leaves the room
Yet remains, he lingers on
Something stirs me to think of her
I think of her
Remus Lupin had been in love with Lily Evans Potter for as long as he cared to remember. Since the first time he fixed his eyes on the fiery little slip of the girl, he lost whatever choice he had in loving someone. Once her jade green eyes locked on his own azure ones, Remus was lost to the mercy of the beautiful flower. She was his angel. At any given moment, over the course of those first years, a simple smile from her lips could brighten any situation for him. Despite the obvious fact that she did not share his sentiments, despite the pain it gave him to see her in love with his best friend, a world without her smile would have been unbearable.
And then the unthinkable happened, Remus's angel was taken from him. In an instant, Remus lost three brothers and the one person who kept the light in his life. Whereas, when they were in school, Lily's smile and flashing eyes could warm Remus's heart in an instant, after her murder those eyes haunted him, taunting him at every turn in life. Instead of rescuing him from his depression, those emerald eyes threw him further down a path he was very close to never turning back from. Remus had to make a decision, he had to decide whether he was going to let Lily and her eyes kill him or let Lily rest in peace and live to help the son she had left behind. Remus chose life and Harry.
For twelve years Remus forced his memories of his green eyed siren down and away from his consciousness. The only time he was visited by the memory of his lost love was the few and far between dream. Remus, by day, was now a responsible, caring professor at the leading magical school in the world, with no hint of a lost love. Before coming to Hogwarts, Lily was carefully concealed far beneath Remus's surface but the first time he saw Harry, all of Lily and her allure tumbled back to the foreground. Now, she wasn't just haunting his dreams but Remus saw her every day, every time Harry turned his mother's green eyes on Remus.
From death she casts her spell
All night we hear her sighs
And now a boy has come
Who has her eyes
Severus dumped the armful of recovered papers back on his desk, trying to erase the memory of those eyes out of his brain. He brushed a stray lock of black hair out of his eyes and fumbled in his drawer for a spare quill.
"Damn it," he exclaimed as a loud snap emanated from the drawer. He grabbed the feathery end of the quill and pulled it from the drawer. The quill was completely broken in half.
Uttering another string of curses he slammed the drawer shut, threw the quill in the garbage rather violently and stalked into his adjoining private chambers. There he began to tear apart the entire room under the supposed pretext of finding his new package of quills. Severus knew that the lack of quills wasn't what was making him angry but he wasn't going to admit that to himself or anyone else, for that matter. He didn't want to accept that a glance from those big green eyes could have reduced him to a puddle and every time he saw them looking out of Harry's head he simply wanted to curl up and cry until there were no tears left in him.
Standing in the middle of his, now very chaotic room, he let out a huge sigh and flopped onto his bed. Laying there for a few minutes, he silently cursed his ever present weakness that had haunted him for years. He sat up suddenly and stalked over to his bureau, opened the drawer, rifled through his socks and underwear and finally pulled out a yellowed sheet of newspaper. Quietly and gingerly, he unfolded the first crease in the paper and smoothed it apprehensively. Then, he unfolded the second crease and looked at the article he was now holding in his hand. He let the breath that he hadn't know he was holding out with a great whoosh and frowned at the "lovely" couple smiling and waving up at him. He frowned at the newly married Mr. and Mrs. James Potter. He watched the two newlyweds in their young love. He watched Lily run her hands through James's every messy hair. He watched James wrap his arms around Lily's shoulder and kiss her on the top of the head. He watched Lily's red hair ripple and fall into her pretty face. He raised his hand to touch the picture but before he could reach it James lazily ran his hand up her cheek and brushed the stray hair out of her face.
"Stupid git," Severus yelled, crumpled up the paper, and threw it to the farthest corner of his room. James had always been there first, a step ahead and a step better than Severus. It had never bothered, OK well that's not quite true, so very much that James had gotten everything until James got the girl. James had gotten the girl, the one thing that Severus wanted more than anything. James got everything, he got the looks, the fame, and the girl. James got the looks from her eyes, the smiles from her lips, the embraces from her arms and the words of love from her heart. Lily had made James happy. Lily had never even noticed Severus or his love for her. James took of that from Severus. James reduced Severus's contact with Lily to glances from her emerald orbs, those orbs she had handed down to her son.
He has her eyes
The boy has Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that saw James happy long ago
Those eyes that gave him life
And hope I've never known
How can I see the boy
And miss those emerald eyes
Remus watched the rain turn from drizzle back to a full blown storm. As the lightening split the sky in half, Remus tried to erase the vision of those green eyes from his sight. Remus jumped when a huge thunderclap roared over the heavens and yet it did nothing to distract him from Lily's eyes. He pulled away from the window and turned to the rest of his office but everywhere he looked, memories of Lily rose unbidden. Unable to handle it anymore, Remus whisked out of the room and began to pace the halls of the castle.
Remus had no set destination in his wanderings but it was no surprise when he found himself at the entrance to Gryffindor tower.
"Professor Lupin? If you're looking for a student, they aren't her. They've all gone down to supper," the fat lady told Remus with a hint of question in her voice.
"No that's alright, just doing a bit of reminiscing. Fortuna Major," Remus uttered wearily and watched the portrait swing open to reveal the cozy, scarlet room.
Remus ducked his head and forced his way through the narrow opening to step foot in the common room. He stood for a moment at the entrance and surveyed the room he hadn't set foot in in over fifteen years. To his surprise, not much had changed, there was still the same oversized red, velvet chairs and sofa, there were still a few tables where some of the student s had left their half finished homework, and there was still the warm fire crackling cheerily. Remus made his way to what used to be his favorite chair in the shadows next to the fire, and sat down heavily, burying his face in his hands. No matter how hard he had tried to force the memories away, here in the place that had been their home for seven years, they came flooding to the forefront.
"James! James, stop it! Where are we going anyway," Remus jumped as he heard the voice that he hadn't heard for thirteen years, the voice that he loved most of all. He looked up to see a seventeen year old James Potter leading an equally as young Lily Evans from the staircase from the girl's dormitories with his hand over her eyes. She let out a peal of laughter and pried James's hands from her face, "what is all of the secrecy James? Even Sirius wouldn't tell me what this is all about," she said sticking her hands on her hips.
In an instant, Remus knew what moment he was watching and looked around for a second before he saw what he was looking for. In another chair hidden by the shadows, he saw himself at seventeen, trying desperately to make himself invisible. He remembered the overwhelming feelings that this moment had brought upon. This was the night that James had proposed to Lily.
"Oh, you know full well I'm not going to tell you anything Miss Evans. I don't want to spoil the surprise," James said with joy in his eyes and voice. He then took her hand again and gently lead her to the portrait hole. James went out first and Lily made to follow him but before she herself exited, she turned and looked eerily in the direction that the young Remus was trying so desperately to conceal himself and with a twinkle in her eye, she gave a small lopsided smile and disappeared thought the portrait hole.
He has her eyes
The boy has Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that closed and left me all alone
Those eyes I feel will never let me go
How can I see this boy who has her emerald eyes
Almost instantaneously, Severus had to escape. He had to escape the look from those eyes and knowing that there was a shadow of those eyes in his own chambers, he had to escape, he had to run away. He hurried out of his chambers, through his office, and out into the drafty lower levels of Hogwarts.
Severus's hope that his memories would be left with the crumpled piece of newsprint in the corner of his room was, as he discovered, a futile one. As it seemed, Lily was determined to haunt him at every turn today. Everywhere he wandered, he was bombarded by the memories and shadows of the spirited red head. Before long, he was feeling rather faint with the overwhelming rush of emotions that was haunting him. He hurried to the nearest window, throwing it open and sticking his head out into the cold wind and rain.
After a few minutes of the cold weather, Severus drew himself back into the castle. He the turned his back to the cold stones and slid to the floor settling himself on the chilly slabs. He buried his face in his hands and drew his knees to his chest. All that he had accomplished from sticking his head out the window was a very wet head and severely chattering teeth. That was most certainly not enough to quell the hot emotions bubbling to Severus's icy surface.
Severus sat there for an indeterminable amount of time, wrestling with himself, trying to get a hold of the things that had broken out of his emotional grasp. But Severus was startled out of his reverie by the sounds of voices. He leapt to his feet quickly, rearranging his robes, making sure what ever student was approaching would not see him in the embarrassing state of disarray. Severus was severely startled when, not a current student of Hogwarts came around the corner but, two students of Hogwarts past. Around that corner cane the person that Severus despised most in the world and the person that Severus love most in the world. James came around the corner leading Lily by the hand urging her to hurry.
"Honestly James, I don't know what is so important that we have to be out after hours. We should be setting an example for the younger students. We are Head Boy and Girl, after all," Lily's words were those of annoyance but the twinkle in her eyes showed her excitement at the surprise waiting for her.
"Don't worry Lily. We won't get in trouble, I've cleared it with Professor Dumbledore," James turned and gave Lily a quick hug and kissed her on the tip of her nose before taking her hand and leading her further down the corridor. Lily let out a soft giggle and allowed herself to be pulled away. But as they neared the next corner, she turned her eyes and peer down the way they had just come. Obviously seeing nothing she let a small smile of embarrassment trace across her face and followed her boyfriend around the corner. At the other end of the hall, a young Severus let out a sigh and shuffled in the opposite direction.
In Lily's eyes a haven
This castle seemed to be
And James, her bravest knight became
His lady fair was she
The older Remus watched the younger version of himself as he seemed to wrestle with something that was deeply paining him. After a few minutes, the younger Remus stood, gathered his things, and slowly made his way to the boy's staircase and slowly shuffled away. He felt a hot wash of emotions crash over him, the ones that the young Remus had just been wrestling with. He had just watched Lily and James leave the common room on the night that James had proposed to her. He had seen the night when he had truly lost Lily and the hope for her love forever. After that night, she and James had become completely inseparable, and so very much in love.
He has her eyes
He has my Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that love my brother-never me
Those eyes that never saw me
Never knew I longed
To hold her close
To live at last in Lily's eyes
Severus let out a bitter laugh as he was the young version of himself shuffle down the hall. How could he have competed with James Potter? How he could have competed with the handsome, popular, perfect Potter? He had been a quiet, greasy, sallow-faced Slytherin, obsessed with the dark arts and potion making. How could his dark, unappealing personage compare with the golden boy of Gryffindor? No, he hadn't stood a chance with the perfect creature that was Lily Evans Potter.
Imagine me a lover
Remus remembered how desperately he had wanted to stand up that night and yell how much he loved her. He wanted so badly to tell her that she was his star, she was his angel, she was his life blood and she would never had known it. But he couldn't, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to ruin the rest of the life he had. He couldn't ruin the happiness that James and Lily shared. So he never told her, not on that night, not ever. Not matter how the sparkle in her eyes called to him, no matter how much he wanted the smile to mean something, he knew what she never saw him that night or ever, for as long as she was living.
I longed for the day
She'd turn and see me standing there
Would God had let her stay
Severus stood in that hallway for longer than he dared to admit to himself. He stood there until her heard the thunder of the feet of students returning to their common rooms from dinner. Severus again straightened his wrinkled robes and began to walk back the way he came, back to his own damp quarters.
Unfortunately for the potions professor, as he turned the corner, a student ploughed straight into him. His annoyance was doubled by the hellish day he had just experienced and he looked down livid, ready to skin the child alive. But upon looking down, he saw the green eyes that had been haunting him all day.
Harry stepped back, obviously horrified at what he had just done and stuttered, "I'm sorry Professor Snape. I didn't mean to… I'm very sorry."
Normally Severus would have ranted and railed and taken a considerable amount of house points but this time he only saw those eyes looking up at him. He looked into those eyes and saw Lily asking him to forgive her son. He saw her and with a swish of his robes walked silently past the rather confused Harry.
Remus sat before the fire in the Gryffindor tower for a long time. He sat there as the ghosts of the past visited him over and over. So absorbed in these long buried friends was he, he didn't notice the sound of the portrait creaking open. He didn't notice that he wasn't alone in the room until he felt a hand on his shoulder and someone spoke to him.
"Professor Lupin? Are you alright," Harry asked his tired looking teacher.
"Hmmm? Oh Harry! Hello there. Yes, I was just doing a bit of thinking. I always did my best thinking here," Remus said with a tired smile as he rose to leave the room, "goodnight."
"Goodnight Professor," Harry returned with curiosity in his large, green eyes.
Remus was stepping through the portrait hole when he turned back to the boy, "Your mother would have been very proud of you Harry," and saw those piercing green eyes glow with pride. He nodded to the boy and pushed the memory of his mother's eyes glowing like that over the tiny baby the boy had once been.
He has her eyes
He has his mother's emerald eyes
Two Hogwarts professors walked wearily into their respective rooms. Remus leaned up against the door and shut it tightly. Severus slammed it and stalked over to the balled up paper in the corner. Remus walked over the bed and slumped onto it. Severus picked up the ball and smoothed it out so the picture was visible again. Remus opened the drawer of the bedside table and withdrew a gold framed photograph. Severus looked down at the laughing woman, and despite his efforts a smile crept across his face. Remus turned the frame over and was greeted by the sight of four young men and a beautiful young woman and a slow grin swept across his face. In both of these pictures, Lily was laughing and grinning. In both of these pictures Lily's eyes were sparkling like the emeralds they were so often compared to . The two men looking at these pictures stared in to those eyes and fell in love all over again. They fell in love with Lily as her eyes shone up at them.
Those eyes that first they loved so
How could
They then forget
That once they wished
To be alive and whole
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes
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