SOOBERNATRAL
"Wendigo! Wendigo! It's into the Woods We Go!"
Summary: Still upset over his smurfy girlfriend's Jess' suicide … uh... yeah... a depressed Sam just wants to jack it to Naruto with the sound muted, but with dashing determined Dean distressed dover dheir dad's - whoa, that was rough - they decide to follow Jon's chicken scratch coordinates.
Featuring: A monster, some victims, and Samuel L. Rudolph the Muthafukin' Reindeer! Stuff HAPPENS. Enjoy!
Blackwater Ridge
Lost Creek, Colorado
EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Two tents are set up near a fire ring. Giggity. Crickets chirp. Miley twerks. And the world keeps spinning.
Inside one tent, two YOUNG MEN, BRAD and GARY, are playing head-to-head handheld video games.
BRAD
Dude, you're cheating!
GARY
No, you just suck.
BRAD
Your Charizard is level 700!
GARY
Get him Charizard! What? Stop disobeying me!
BRAD
You have three gym badges.
GARY
Charizard jut flipped me off and flew away!
BRAD
Woo-hoo! I win by forfeit.
Something growls outside. Good thing the guys are wearing hot sauce flavored undies.
In the other tent, a third YOUNG MAN, TOM COLLINS, records a video message on his cell phone. Shockingly, he's not using his phone to take dick pics.
TOM
Ash and Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley—last survivor of The Nostromo—signing off… I mean, hey Haley, day six, we're still out near Blackwater Ridge.
Something dark flicks behind the tent wall behind TOM, too fast to be identifiable as more than 'something dark'; the screen on TOM's phone, displaying the video as TOM records it, caught it.
TOM
We're fine, keeping safe, so don't worry, okay? Talk to you tomorrow. Or will I?
TOM stops recording and sends the message cause phones can tell you the time, marry you, perform open heart surgery, take you forward in time to battle some fugly Morlocks, and negotiate with SkyNet. They can also make something known as "calls". Granddad, what's that?
BRAD closes his game system and tosses it aside faster than someone caught holding a Zune. Unclean!
GARY stares at his system for a moment, then turns to look at BRAD, who is getting up and unzipping the tent. A metaphor, perhaps?
GARY
Hey, where ya goin'? I challenge you to a duel!
BRAD
Who the fuck are you, Seto Kaiba? I'll be back. Nature calls and I have to accept the charges.
BRAD goes outside and zips up the tent behind him. A metaphor, perhaps?
Mr. Kripke, are you trying to seduce me?
Yes Ma'am, I am.
BRAD goes to stand against the tree to relieve himself. And that, folks is how wee-wees work. But you don't have to take my word for it!
The fire crackles but doesn't snap or pop.
Something snaps a stick.
BRAD looks towards the sound and sees the trees rustling. BRAD shakes his head and returns his attention downward, then looks up sharply. Something growls.
And Brad's like "Cookie Monster? Is that you?"
But Cookie Monster doesn't respond cause he's not on this show. Sorry, dude. You're a long way from Sesame Street.
Inside TOM's tent, TOM, who is reading Sixty-Nine Shades of Pink Joseph Campbell's The Hero With A Thousand Faces, hears BRAD scream.
Tom's like "Hah! Big Foot's totally watching you masturbate!"
Inside GARY's tent, GARY hears the same and rolls over like a human centipede without the barfing.
GARY
Brad? You… You dead?
TOM sits up. That Puff the Magic Dragon, Fist of the North Star, and My Little Pony slash fic'll have to wait.
TOM
Gary, what's goin' on? Did you guys cross the streams?
GARY opens the tent and sticks his head out to look around. Turtle! Turtle!
He sees nothing. Growling. He looks up. Something pulls GARY out of the tent. He screams cause this is an unexpected occurrence.
TOM turns out the lantern he had on cause wendigos apparently only have light snacks before bed.
Shadows move very quickly around the outside of TOM's tent. Quicksilver? Sonic the Hedgehog? The Flash? Now what the hell would any of those guys be doing out here? No, no. This don't add up at all!
TOM looks around, his eyes following the shadows and growling. But it's okay, cause everyone know that you can't shit or piss your pants if you're not wearing any. Jus somethin' to think about.
Silence falls. But not Darkness, cause that would be a movie about a fucked up tooth fairy.
Something slashes open TOM's tent. TOM screams. Because Tara Reid could use more make-up maybe?
HOTEL
Palo Remember the Alamo Alto, Californ-I-A
SAM watches Naruto Shippuden with the sound muted. The guy looks rough. Hasn't shaved. In his undies. Hubba chubba wubba!
DEAN the DEANY DEANSTER enters with a bag of burgers and some beer. I can't tell if that's the most awesome breakfast or the saddest. Maybe if they added some pie or cake I'd be down.
DEAN
Up and at 'em, Sammy. Let's get a move on.
DEAN takes a burger out of the bag for himself then tosses the bag to SAM. SAM doesn't even respond.
DEAN
Damn it, Sam. You gotta snap out of it!
SAM
Leave me alone, man. I just wanna watch this with the sound muted and jack it to it.
DEAN
Thank God for brain bleach.
DEAN pops open a beer and takes a swig.
DEAN
Think fast!
In a moment of poor judgment, DEAN tosses a bottle of beer at SAM. It shatters the TV screen.
SAM
Hole in one. Nice going, jerk!
DEAN
Better luck next time, butterfingered bitch.
SAM laughs. Dr. Phil is pleased.
DEAN
I know how you feel, man. But you just gotta press on. We got work to do, remember?
SAM
I thought we got fired from Chip N' Dales?
DEAN
No, you got axed. I'm still Mr. Friday Night Delight.
DEAN begins a strip tease, but realizes his brother doesn't pay for that kind of entertainment and stops. No freebies.
SAM finally opens the bag and takes out a burger.
SAM
Gross, Dean.
DEAN
You're the one on a date with Rosie Palms. Cartoons, really?
SAM
You're one to talk. What about your Asian Looney Toons?
DEAN
It's called anime and it's an art form. MOTHERFUCKER!
DEAN throws his beer out the window. It hits some guy driving an ambulance and he crashes into a tree, but since he's not important, we don't see him again.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Birds chirp. SAM, wearing a suit and tie and carrying a bouquet of various flowers excluding roses, walks through an otherwise deserted cemetery.
And Resso the Creepy Slightly Psychic Grave Digger is like "Get used to it, buddy boy. You'll be going on a lot of dates with your future ex(pired) girlfriends here. On the bright side, at least you always know where they are." Then he recedes back into the farthest corners of the mind. Waiting. Forever waiting. In the Twilight Zone.
SAM sighs and stops next to a gravestone. It reads "JESSICA LEE MOORE", "Beloved Daughter", "January 24th 1984 – November 2nd 2005. She tried, but that boy has one cursed cock. Your Ad Here! Call 666. Ask for Crowley".
There is a small picture of a grinning JESS set into the stone above her name, a black-and-white picture of her leaning against the stone between a white teddy bear and a wooden box with a crucifix leaning on the picture, a small American (fuck yeah!) flag next to the box, and three candles standing on the gravestone; one is of the Virgin de Guadalupe. And one is not. This is a strange riddle.
SAM
I, uh... Oops? Uh-oh Spaghettio? You always said roses were, were lame, so I brought you, uh...
SAM looks at the picture set into the gravestone, then looks away, choking back tears and a foot long. He steps closer to the gravestone.
SAM
Jess...oh God...
SAM kneels to set down the flowers.
SAM
I should have protected you. I should have told you the truth. And played the lottery. And apologized to that wang cursing Gypsy whose car I dented. And at some point called child services. But damn if Dean wasn't a good little cook.
SAM leans the flowers in front of the crucifix. An arm covered in dirt shoots out of the ground and grabs SAM by the wrist.
Oh, and Sam? He's like "Sometimes they come back again! But wait… Oh shit, buddy. Is this a pet cemetery?! Rick! Darryl! Michonne! Save me!"
And Jess pops out of the ground like a woodchuck who just sat ass first in a volcano.
And Zombie/Ghost/Generally Not Alive Anymore!Jess is like "Samuel Jacob Jiggleheimer Smith Winchester – How many times have I told you not to leave the toilet seat up?!"
And Sam be like "THAT'S what you're mad about? Jess, you're… I… You died, baby. You dead."
And Would Be Bride of Aw Shucky!Jess is like "Oh, I know. And you're next."
MORGANA FREEMAN
I'd like to tell you Jess was just kidding and she and Sam hugged and kissed despite the smell and the resident maggots. That those two lovebirds that seemed so right for each other danced all night to Michael Jackson's Thriller. But that – That my dears, would be a lie.
Cause Jess yanked her arm off and did proceed to beat the hell out of Sam with it. It was actually pretty funny. Unless you were Sam. (-_-)
And iZomb!Jess was like "Batter up! Swing batter, batter!"
And Sam's head was like "No! Wait! I'm not a baseball!"
INT. IMPALA – DAY
SAM jerks awake. Make of that what you will.
He's riding shotgun next to DEAN unless some weird Inception shit is going on.
SAM blinks and rubs his eyes. Engage! DEAN looks over, concerned.
DEAN
You okay?
SAM
Yeah, I'm fine.
DEAN
Another nightmare? Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?
SAM
(frowns)
That only works when I do it.
DEAN
You wanna drive for a while? I think there was something in that gas station saki. I'm seeing weird references out the corner of my eyes, man!
The Impala drives over a bridge. Godzilla is celebrating in the background.
SAM
Dean, your whole life you never once asked me that. Not even that time when I was out of my mind on Novocain questioning whether or not this was real life. Well? Is it?!
DEAN
Calm down. Just thought you might want to. The Nazi Teletubbies have disappeared. Never mind.
SAM
Look, man, you're worried about me.
SAM plays with his hair. Is it on?
SAM
I get it, and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay.
DEAN
Mm-hm.
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
Mmm.
SAM
Hmm.
DEAN
Yep.
SAM
Hahn!
SAM grabs a map. If he sticks a pin in it is that considered hoodoovoodoo?
SAM
All right, where are we?
DEAN
We are just outside of Grand Junction.
SAM
(singing)
What's its function?
DEAN
(singing)
Making tampons to help with periods.
SAM
Let's… uh… just listen to the radio for awhile.
Al Green's Let's Stay Together plays.
SAM gets into it. REALLY into it.
SAM
Hold me, Dean.
DEAN
Fuck no!
SAM
Preaaaaaase?
DEAN
Dude, fuckin' stop it!
DEAN shuts the radio off cause it is too early in the morning for that kind of thing.
SAM folds down the map, which is of Colorado and has a large red X labeled 35-111.
SAM
You know what?
DEAN
What?
SAM
My ass. Hahaha!
DEAN
Cute.
SAM
Maybe we shouldn't have left Stanford so soon.
DEAN
Sam, we dug around there for a week. We came up with nothing. The gold rush is over. And if you wanna find the thing that killed Jessica—
SAM
We gotta find Dad first. Follow that alcohol truck!
And they do, but it turns out it was just Bo and Luke Duke getting one over on ol' Boss Hogg. After downing some moonshine, the boys decide to pit the Impala against the General Lee in a less than legal race on a deserted stretch of road.
The Impala and General Lee were neck in neck. Then out of nowhere, Vin Diesel zooms past them cause he's Vin Diesel and it don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile or that you're not in this episode - winning is wining.
Vin is all "Later, bitches."
And Dean? He's like "SONOFABITCH!"
DEAN
Dad will have answers. He'll know what to do. After 500 beers, he'll figure something out.
SAM
It's weird, man. These coordinates he left us. This Blackwater Ridge.
DEAN
What about it? It a sausage fest?
SAM
There's nothing there. It's just woods. Not even James Woods.
SAM folds and eats the map cause he needs his vitamins or something.
SAM
Why is he sending us to the middle of nowhere? Oh shite… Are we Hansel and Gretel to him?
DEAN
You're a total Gretel. Dude! Do you think they'll be a house made of candy? And a witch? A hot witch like "I Dream of Jeannie"?
SAM
Thank God for brain bleach.
SAM chugs some paint thinner like a chug-a-luggin' son of a gun. Someone's gonna have a tummy ache.
EXT. RANGER STATION – DAY
The Impala is parked next to a sign that says "RANGER STATION Lost Creek Trail, Lost Creek National Forest" to LOST CREEK COLORADO National Forest. Don't Feed the Pic-a-nic Bears. For the Love of Everything That is Holy, Do NOT Feed the Pic-a-nic Bears!"
SAM (voiceover)
So Blackwater Ridge is pretty remote.
INT. RANGER STATION – DAY
SAM looks at a 3D map of the national forest, paying particular attention to the ridge labeled "BLACKWATER RIDGE". It's no Oregon Trail, Duck Hunt, or Angry Birds, but it'll do, piggy. It'll do. DEAN looks at the decorations cause technology is not his friend cept when it is. See, once upon a time there was this guy named Craig. He had a list. And if you were naughty… Let's just say a lot of people are in jail right now.
SAM
It's cut off by these canyons here, rough terrain, dense forest, abandoned silver and gold mines all over the place. Gold I tell ya! Gooooooooooooooold!
SAM does a jumbo jig cause he got the fever.
DEAN
Dude, check out the size of this freaking bear.
SAM looks over. DEAN is looking at a framed photo of a man standing behind a much larger bear named Yogi. There is murder in his eyes, Ranger Rick. You've been warned.
SAM
And a dozen or more grizzlies in the area. It's no nature hike, that's for sure.
Crickets chirp. Miley twerks. And the world keeps spinning.
A forest ranger, RANGER WILKINSON, sneaks up behind them like a creep; when he speaks, DEAN and SAM whip around, startled.
RANGER
You boys aren't planning on going out near Blackwater Ridge by any chance?
SAM
Oh, no, sir, we're environmental study majors from UC Boulder, just working on a paper.
SAM laughs a little. DEAN grins and raises a fist.
DEAN
Recycle, man.
RANGER
Bull.
BOO-BOO
Shit!
SAM's eyes flick to DEAN, who doesn't move. Is Sam part Gorgon?
RANGER
You're friends with that Haley Scomet girl, right?
DEAN considers. Racking his fracking brain. Is she hot with an extra "T" or just daylight pretty?
DEAN
Yes. Yes, we are, Ranger—
DEAN checks the RANGER's nametag. It's like Psych without all the bullshit. And pineapples.
DEAN
Wilkinson.
RANGER
Well I will tell you exactly what we told her. Her brother filled out a backcountry permit saying he wouldn't be back from Blackwater until the twenty-fourth, so it's not exactly a missing persons now, is it? I need to know because I'm incompetent.
DEAN shakes his head but there's still some sand in his ear. That's the last time he has sex on the beach. With a mermaid. While Captain Hook watches.
RANGER
You tell that girl to quit worrying, I'm sure her brother's just dead. I mean in some one's freezer. I mean fine. Yes, that's the word. Being alive is hard.
SAM
Uh… yeah.
DEAN
Well that Haley girl's quite a pistol, huh?
RANGER
That is putting it mildly.
DEAN
Actually you know what would help is if I could show her a copy of that backcountry permit. You know, so she could see her brother's return date.
The RANGER eyes DEAN. DEAN raises his eyebrows. Which is the equivalent to a Jedi mind trick, so the Ranger totally agrees.
EXT. RANGER STATION – DAY
DEAN and SAM leave the stranger danger ranger station. DEAN is holding a piece of paper and laughing. Got that fool's number, did ya? Alas, Dean will never call. He never does.
SAM
What, are you cruising for a hookup or something?
DEAN
What do you meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean? See, I can do it.
SAM
Ugh. The coordinates point to Blackwater Ridge, so what are we waiting for? Let's just go find Dad. I mean, why even talk to this girl?
DEAN and SAM stop on opposite sides of the Impala. Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's get it on!
DEAN
I don't know, maybe we should know what we're walking into before we actually walk into it?
A pause. That sounds an awful lot like research… Since when have they – Oh, right.
SAM
What?
DEAN
Since when are you all shoot first ask questions later, anyway?
SAM
Since now.
SAM turns away; the sound of the car door opening is heard. Unless you're deaf.
EXT. COLLINS HOUSE – DAY
DEAN and SAM are standing at the door to a house. The door opens to reveal HALEY COLLINS.
DEAN
You must be Haley Collins. I'm Dean, this is Sam, we're, ah, we're rangers with the Park Service. Ranger Wilkinson sent us over. He wanted us to ask a few questions about your brother Tommy. I hear he's a bit of a black sheep.
HALEY
Lemme see some ID. I serve alcohol. You better be twenty-one or over.
DEAN pulls out a fake ID with the name 'Samuel Cole' and holds it up against the screen. The screen twists and shouts, then smokes a cigar and drinks a brandy.
HALEY looks at it, then at DEAN, who smiles. HALEY opens the door cause it's f'in' DEAN.
HALEY
Come on in hot guys who could be vampires.
HALEY turns to lead DEAN and SAM into the kitchen, where BEN COLLINS is sitting at the table on a laptop.
And Ben is like "Faa-awk! Nobody wants my garage full of unsold Zunes!"
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
SAM
So if Tommy's not due back for a while, how do you know something's wrong?
HALEY comes back into the room with a bowl she places on the table.
HALEY
He checks in every day by cell. He emails, photos, stupid little Jackass type videos—we haven't heard anything in over three days now. That's more than two!
SAM
Well, maybe he can't get cell reception in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
HALEY
He's got a satellite phone, too.
DEAN
Could it be he's just having fun and forgot to check in?
BEN
He wouldn't do that.
DEAN eyes BEN. BEN looks away. Stupid sexy Dean! HALEY puts more food on the table cause today they dine in Hell!
HALEY
Our parents are gone. It's just my two brothers and me. We all keep pretty close tabs on each other. Just me and myyyyyy brother. Sitcom now please?
SAM
Can I see the pictures he sent you?
HALEY
Yeah.
On a laptop, HALEY pulls up pictures.
HALEY
That's Tommy.
HALEY clicks twice and another picture comes up, then the still frame opening the latest video. What, no selfie?
TOM
I'm so scared right now! Oh shit!
WENDIGO
Wendi's hungry for some long pig, baby!
TOM
Run!
WENDIGO
Wendi's right behind you, baby!
TOM
It's coming!
WENDIGO
Wendi's coming to eat that skin, baby!
The video shuts off, cause Wendi is camera shy. You eat some campers from a certain Crystal Lake and it goes straight to your thighs.
DEAN
Well, we'll find your brother. We're heading out to Blackwater Ridge first thing. But first I gotta piss.
HALEY
Then maybe I'll see you there. Look, I can't sit around here anymore. So I hired a guy. I'm heading out in the morning, and I'm gonna find Tommy myself.
DEAN
I think I know how you feel.
SAM
Hey, do you mind forwarding these to me? I yank it to some pretty weird stuff.
HALEY
Uh… Sure.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Someone breaks a game of pool. A waitress goes past carrying beer. SAM and DEAN sit down at a table. Just like Cheers.
SAM
So, Blackwater Ridge doesn't get a lot of traffic. Local campers, mostly. But still, this past April, two hikers went missing out there. They were never found.
SAM opens Jon's journal.
DEAN
Any before that?
SAM pulls out newspaper articles to show DEAN.
SAM
Yeah, in 1982, eight different people all vanished in the same year. Authorities said it was a grizzly attack. F**king Goldilocks trying to frame a bear brotha.
They discover there have been lots of attacks, but only one person has survived.
SHAW HOUSE
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
An OLD MAN, MR. SHAW, talks to SAM and DEAN while leading them inside his house. SHAW has a cigarette in his mouth cause he's cool.
SHAW
Look, ranger, I don't know why you're asking me about this. It's public record. I was a kid. My parents got mauled by a—
SAM
Wookie? That's what attacked them?
SHAW takes a puff of his cigarette, takes it out, and nods.
DEAN
The other people that went missing that year, those bear attacks too?
A pause. You could hear a pin drop. But a pin wasn't dropped, so you don't.
DEAN
What about all the people that went missing this year? Same thing?
A pause. You could hear a tree fall nearby, but a tree doesn't so you don't. Unless you're some sort of Superman.
DEAN
We knew what we were dealing with, we might be able to stop it.
SHAW
I seriously doubt that. Anyways, I don't see what difference it would make.
SHAW sits down cause he's old and that's what chairs are for.
SHAW
You wouldn't believe me. Nobody ever did.
SAM
Mr. Shaw, what did you see? With your eyes?
SHAW
Nothing. It moved too fast to see. It hid too well. I heard it, though. A roar. Like...no man or animal I ever heard.
SAM
It came at night?
SHAW nods. Hi-yo!
SAM
Got inside your tent?
And Dean is thinking "Is that a metaphor?"
SHAW
It got inside our cabin. I was sleeping in front of the fireplace covered in gasoline when it came in. It didn't smash a window or break the door. It unlocked it. Do you know of a bear that could do something like that?
BOO-BOO
(playing the piano while making an omelet)
Nope.
SHAW
I didn't even wake up till I heard my parents screaming.
SAM
It killed them?
SHAW
Dragged them off into the night. No shirt, no shoes, no small intestines.
SHAW shakes his head, but there's still some sand in his ear. That's the last time he pretends to be a mermaid and makes love on the beach to some young guy he just met while some pirate watches.
SHAW
Why it left me alive...been asking myself that ever since.
A pause. SHAW's hands go to his collar. You could hear glass break, but it doesn't, so you don't.
SHAW
Did leave me this, though.
SHAW opens his collar to reveal three long scars. Claw marks. SAM and DEAN look at them. When Wolverine says he has a headache and no spooning, he means it.
SHAW
There's something evil in those woods. It was some sort of a demon.
SAM N' DEAN
A demon? Bitch, please!
INT. MOTEL – NIGHT
DEAN and SAM walk the length of a corridor with rooms on either side. Aww…
DEAN
Spirits and demons don't have to unlock doors. If they want inside, they just go through the walls. Like Sarah Silverman. My nemesis.
SARAH SILVERMAN
I'll get you, my Deany! And your little Sam too!
DEAN
Try it, you Jewitch!
Sarah Silverman disappears… For now.
SAM
So it's probably something else, something corporeal.
DEAN
Corporeal? Excuse me, professor.
SAM
Shut up. So what do you think?
DEAN
The claws, the speed that it moves...could be a skinwalker, maybe a black dog. Whatever we're talking about, we're talking about a creature, and it's corporeal. Which means we can kill it. Is it odd that I have a hard on?
SAM
Maybe.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
DEAN opens the trunk of the Impala, then the weapons box, and props it open with a shotgun. He puts some guns in a duffel bag. SAM leans in cause he wants his face blown off. YOLO!
SAM
We cannot let that Haley girl go out there.
DEAN
Oh yeah? What are we gonna tell her? That she can't go into the woods because of a big scary monster?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN looks at SAM.
DEAN
Her brother's missing, Sam. She's not gonna just sit this out. Now we go with her, we protect her, and we keep our eyes peeled for our fuzzy predator friend. Right, Chris Hansen?
CHRIS HANSEN
Damn straight, Dean. Did you bring the cookies?
DEAN
Shee-it. Who do you think baked those bad boys?
EXT. FOREST – DAY
A MAN, ROY, who may or may not be the illegitimate son of Crocodile Dundee, talks to HALEY (who is wearing shorts but not booty shorts, so it's okay) and BEN while checking a shotgun. They're all carrying full backpacks.
ROY
I'll tell you again, I don't think Ben should come.
HALEY
Roy—
ROY
Look, you're paying me good money to keep everybody safe. I think Ben's safest at home with all the booze and sharp objects.
The Impala pulls up. ROY, HALEY, and BEN stare cause damn, look at Baby! HALEY shakes her head. SAM and DEAN get out of the car. SAM opens the back door of the Impala and pulls out the duffel bag.
DEAN
You guys got room for two more?
Surprisingly no porno music plays.
HALEY
Wait, you want to come with us?
ROY
Who are these guys?
HALEY
Apparently this is all the park service could muster up for the search and rescue.
SAM heads past everyone cause he is too cool for lines.
ROY
You're rangers?
DEAN
That's right.
DEAN flashes his Power Morpher, but doesn't transform into his ranger gear cause it would take too long, expose his identity, and with a face like that, you really gonna cover it up with a helmet?
HALEY
And you're hiking out in biker boots and jeans?
DEAN looks down at himself. Hell yeah personified.
DEAN
Well, sweetheart, I don't do shorts. Except if I ever go undercover as a gym teacher, but what are the odds, huh?
INT. MINE – DAY
A mine shaft lets in light. TOM and GARY are hanging by their wrists from the ceiling cause JIGSAW has run out of ideas.
There are assorted corpses with them. Growling. GARY spots a tall skinny shape and starts yelling cause no matter how hot a model is, there's good naked and bad naked.
TOMMY does his best to turn away and does close his eyes tightly as GARY yells.
EXT. FOREST – DAY
The group hikes through the forest, ROY in the lead, then DEAN, HALEY, BEN, and SAM bringing up the rear cause SAM got caught breaking in the line. Lame!
DEAN
Roy, you said you did a little hunting.
ROY
Yeah, more than a little.
DEAN
Uh-huh. What kind of furry critters do you hunt?
ROY
Mostly buck, sometimes bear. Sometimes man. Have you heard of the Bend-
DEAN
Tell me, uh, Bambi or Yogi ever hunt you back? Hahn!
ROY grabs DEAN. SAM looks on. Is this five-way happening?!
DEAN
Whatcha doing, Roy?
ROY grabs a stick and pokes the bear trap DEAN had almost stepped in. HALEY looks annoyed cause she's a gurl.
ROY
You should watch where you're stepping. Ranger.
ROY drops the stick and retakes the lead.
DEAN
It's a bear trap.
Says Captain Obvious.
They hike on. HALEY catches up to DEAN. Wouldn't you?
HALEY
You didn't pack any provisions. You guys are carrying a duffel bag. You're not rangers.
HALEY grabs DEAN's arm.
HALEY
So who the hell are you? Are you Batman?
BEN goes past HALEY and DEAN. SAM looks at DEAN, who indicates with his expression that SAM's to go on by; SAM obeys.
And Christian Grey is like "Good. Good, Sam. Have a sugar cube."
DEAN
Sam and I are brothers, and we're looking for our father. He might be here, we don't know. I just figured that you and me, we're in the same boat. The Titanic!
HALEY
Nooooooo!
DEAN
Just kidding. So you gonna let me paint you? Titties and all?
HALEY
Why … didn't you just tell me that from the start?
DEAN
I'm telling you now. 'sides, it's probably the most honest I've ever been with a woman. ...ever. So we okay?
A pause. Just a pause.
HALEY
Yeah, okay.
DEAN
And what do you mean I didn't pack provisions?
DEAN pulls out a big bag of peanut M&Ms and sticks his hand in the bag as he hikes on. HALEY waits a moment, then follows.
LATER
EXT. FOREST – DAY
ROY leads the way, followed by SAM, BEN, HALEY, and DEAN. It's like the Banana Splits but not.
ROY
This is it. Blackwater Ridge.
It's as anticlimactic as it sounds.
No island mythology, hatches, polar bears, or weird smoke monsters in sight. At least not in THIS epi.
SAM heads past ROY.
SAM
What coordinates are we at, Roy the Human GPS.
ROY pulls out his GPS, which reads N 35o 45.383, W 111o 00.55. Ew.
ROY
Thirty-five and minus one-eleven.
DEAN comes up to SAM. They listen with their ears. The bastiches!
DEAN
You hear that?
SAM
Yeah. Not even crickets.
DEAN
And when crickets ain't chirpin', Miley's not tw-
ROY
I'm gonna go take a look around.
SAM
You shouldn't go off by yourself.
ROY
That's sweet. Don't worry about me. I can hold my own.
SAM
Looks like this five-way just became a crowd.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Later, the Scooby-ish Gang find Haley's brother's campsite.
The tents are torn open and bloody and all the supplies are scattered.
Ass, blood, and guts everywhere.
ROY
Looks like a grisly grizzly.
YOGI
(washing blood off his paws)
Yep, looks that way to me.
HALEY takes off her backpack and goes through the campsite.
HALEY
Tommy!
SAM
Shh.
HALEY
Tommy!
SAM
Shh-hh-hh!
HALEY
Why?
SAM
Something might still be out there. Plus you might cause an avalanche … Somehow.
The bros deduce that they're dealing with a wendigo. Holy cheese balls.
DEAN takes out his pistol.
DEAN
Well then this is useless unless you need to make a withdrawal from a bank.
SAM
All right, listen up, it's time to go. Things have gotten...more complicated.
HALEY
What?
ROY
Kid, don't worry. Whatever's out there, I think I can handle it.
SAM
It's not me I'm worried about. If you shoot this thing, you're just gonna make it mad. We have to leave. Now. A Lord of he Rings marathon is just about to start!
ROY
One, you're talking nonsense. Two, you're in no position to give anybody orders.
DEAN
Three, relax.
SAM
We never should have let you come out here in the first place, all right? I'm trying to protect you.
ROY steps right into SAM's space. It's not hot.
ROY
You protect me? I was hunting these woods when your mommy was still kissing you good night.
And Samuel L. Rudolph the Muthafukin' Reindeer is like "He told you, muthafuka!"
SAM
Yeah? It's a damn near perfect hunter. It's smarter than you, and it's gonna hunt you down and eat you alive unless we get your stupid sorry ass out of here. So there.
DEAN lightly claps.
DEAN
Woo. Go Sammy.
ROY laughs via his functioning vocal cords.
ROY
You know you're crazy, right?
SAM
Yeah? You ever hunt a wen—
HALEY
Stop. Stop it. Everybody just stop. Look. Tommy might still be alive. And I'm not leaving here without him.
A long pause. I think I just heard the ocean.
DEAN
It's getting late. This thing is a good hunter in the day, but an unbelievable hunter at night. We'll never beat it, not in the dark. We need to settle in and protect ourselves. All in favor of covering ourselves in hot sauce and getting wasted?
The group has built a campfire, and DEAN draws something in the dirt around the campsite while HALEY pokes at the fire.
And she's like "Take that, fire! Don't make me water-board you!"
HALEY
One more time, that's—
DEAN
Anasazi symbols. It's for protection. The wendigo can't cross over them.
ROY laughs, gun over his shoulder cause he likes shooting stuff that he'll later mount on his wall.
DEAN
Nobody likes a skeptic, Roy. You wanna tell me what's going on in that freaky head of yours, Sam?
SAM
I'm fine, Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean.
DEAN
No, you're not fine. You're like a powder keg, man, it's not like you. I'm supposed to be the belligerent one, remember? Me Solo, you Jane. I mean, Luke Skywalker.
A pause. Is that Cthulhu?
SAM
Dad's not here. I mean, that much we know for sure, right? He would have left us a message, a sign, right?
DEAN
Yeah, you're probably right. Tell you the truth, I don't think Dad's ever been to Lost Creek. Outstanding warrants and all.
SAM
Then let's get these people back to town and let's hit the road. Go find Dad. I mean, why are we still even here?
DEAN
This is why.
DEAN comes around to SAM's front and holds up Jon's journal.
DEAN
This book. This is Dad's single most valuable possession—everything he knows about every evil thing is in here. And he's passed it on to us. I think he wants us to pick up where he left off. You know, saving people, hunting things. The family business. Damn that felt good. I'm hard. Are you hard?
SAM shakes his head. Maybe it's all in the inflection.
SAM
That makes no sense. Why doesn't he just—call us? Why doesn't he—tell us what he wants, tell us where he is? Gawd!
DEAN
I dunno. But the way I see it, Dad's giving us a job to do, and I intend to do it. Giant kegs don't fill themselves!
SAM
Dean...no. I gotta find Dad. I gotta find Jessica's killer. It's the only thing I can think about. That and the dinner scene from Troll was Joshua thinking pissing on hospitality like that?
SOMEONE, presumably the WENDIGO
Help me! Please! I'm not a scary monster throwing its voice just to gobble you up like chunky beef stew!
DEAN stands and readies his gun.
WENDIGO
Help, baby!
SAM shines a flashlight about.
DEAN
He's trying to draw us out. Just stay cool, stay put.
ROY
Inside the magic circle?
WENDIGO
Help! Help me!
Growling.
ROY points his gun at the sound. Die sound die!
ROY
Okay, that's no grizzly. That's no Wookie. Hell, that's no moon!
HALEY
It's okay, Ben. You'll be all right, I promise.
Something rushes past. HALEY shrieks.
SAM
It's here. Sick 'em, boy!
ROY shoots at the rustling, then again but the damn rustling is STILL ALIVE!
ROY
I hit it!
ROY goes to die see what he hit.
DEAN
Roy, no! Roy!
DEAN turns to HALEY and BEN.
DEAN
Don't move.
HALEY's holding a stick, burning at one end, as a weapon. No, really.
DEAN and SAM run after soon to be dead ROY.
ROY
It's over here! It's in the tree! It's a predator! Get to da choppa!
The WENDIGO reaches down from the tree and snaps ROY's neck, baby.
Later, SAM shows the wendigo page of John's journal to HALEY and BEN.
SAM
'Wendigo' is a Cree Indian word. It means 'evil that devours'.
DEAN
They're hundreds of years old. Each one was once a man. Sometimes an Indian, or other times a frontiersman or a miner or hunter.
HALEY
How's a man turn into one of those things?
DEAN
Haaaahnnn?
DEAN picks a couple things up off the ground.
DEAN
Well, it's always the same. During some harsh winter a guy finds himself starving, cut off from supplies or help. Becomes a cannibal to survive, eating other members of his tribe or camp.
BEN
(remembering he exists)
Like the Donner Party.
DEAN
(looking around)
The fuck said that?
SAM
Cultures all over the world believe that eating human flesh gives a person certain abilities. Speed, strength, immortality, zombie type casting
DEAN
If you eat enough of it, over years, you become this less than human thing. You're always hungry. Like cows. If they had a chance they'd eat you and every-fawkin-body you care about.
HALEY
So if that's true, how can Tommy still be alive?
SAM
Haaaaaaaaaahn?
DEAN
You're not gonna like it.
DEAN glances at SAM, then back to HALEY.
HALEY
Tell me.
DEAN
More than anything, a wendigo knows how to last long winters without food. It hibernates for years at a time, but when it's awake it keeps its victims alive. It, uh, it stores them, so it can feed whenever it wants. If your brother's alive, it's keeping him somewhere dark, hidden, and safe. Like a Pez dispenser smuggled out of Cuba.
HALEY
And then how do we stop it?
DEAN holds up the can of lighter fluid, the beer bottle, and the white cloth he'd picked up. Hell yeah, let's make this documentary!
EXT. FOREST – DAY
DEAN leads the way through the woods, Molotov cocktail in hand. HALEY follows, then BEN, then SAM. They pass trees with claw marks and blood. What, no smiley faces? No Joanie hearts Chachi?
EXT. FOREST – DAY, LATER
SAM is leading the group now. F**k lines!
SAM
Dean.
DEAN
What is it?
SAM and DEAN look around at the trees. There are bloody claw marks and broken branches everywhere. Damn teenagers and their wild parties.
SAM
You know, I was thinking, those claw prints, so clear and distinct. They were almost too easy to follow.
Growling. SAM and DEAN whip around. Trees rustle, baby.
HALEY is standing under a tree. Blood drips on her shirt. She notices and looks up, then leaps out of the way; ROY's corpse lands where she'd stood. He died how he lived. What? No he didn't!
DEAN examines ROY as SAM goes over to HALEY.
SAM
You okay? You got it?
DEAN
His neck's broke. But I'm gonna rule his cause of death as half-eaten missing organs. Because you tend to need those.
SAM helps HALEY up. More growling. Those fan girls are rabid.
DEAN
Okay, run, run, run, run, go, go, go!
Everybody takes off.
WENDIGO
You gotta move faster than that, baby!
BEN falls cause he is essentially useless and should have stayed home and SAM hurries back to help him up, dividing the group two and two.
DEAN and HALEY stop short: the wendigo is in front of them. HALEY screams.
WENDIGO
Wendi used to wear a halter top, but it made Wendi look fat. Do you think Wendi's fat, baby?
Unfortunately, Dean's Molotov cocktail has been broken. Sweet Christmas, Batman!
Can the Dynamic Duo defeat the wacky wendigo? Stay tuned. Same time, same channel, same … oh, right.
BEN
If it keeps its victims alive, why would it kill Roy?
SAM
Honestly? I think because Roy shot at it, pissed it off.
BEN finds a trail of peanut M&Ms and picks one up.
BEN
They went this way.
SAM catches up to BEN, who hands over the M&M. SAM laughs.
SAM
It's better than breadcrumbs.
SAM tosses the M&M away. F**k you, chocolate!
SAM and BEN follow the trail. They come to a mine entrance marked with a sign that says WARNING! DANGER! DO NOT ENTER EXTREMELY TOXIC MATERIAL.
And despite a warning from Citizen Toxie, SAM looks at BEN, shrugs, and goes inside. BEN follows. Above the entrance is a larger sign that says KEEP OUT NO ADMITTANCE.
INT. MINE – DAY
SAM shines the flashlight ahead of them. Growling; SAM shuts off the light and pulls BEN against the wall.
The WENDIGO comes towards them, baby. SAM covers BEN's mouth before he can scream. The WENDIGO takes a different tunnel at the crossing, baby.
SAM and BEN keep going. The floorboards creak and BEN and SAM fall through the floor; they land in a pile of bones. There is another pile nearby of skulls. BEN spots them and leaps backward cause now he is Spider-Man.
SAM
Hey, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
BEN
Dude, I'm just about useless and even I know it's not okay.
SAM rolls his eyes. His hair is getting too long for this shit.
SAM and BEN look up; DEAN and HALEY are hanging by their wrists from the ceiling cause the wendigo has learned not to trust the honor system.
SAM runs to DEAN, BEN to HALEY.
SAM
Dean!
DEAN
Sam!
SAM
Dean!
DEAN
Sam!
SAM
Dean!
DEAN
Sa—
HALEY
Enough already!
SAM
Hey, you okay?
DEAN
Yeah. Now that you're here.
SAM blushes.
SAM cuts DEAN down and BEN takes care of HALEY. They help them over to an empty patch of floor and get them sat down.
Haley cuts her brother Tommy down, cause he's not having fun, then Pyromaniac!Dean picks up the flare guns cause the wendigo is smart enough to steal their supplies but not enough to destroy them, baby.
SAM grins. DEAN laughs and twirls the guns.
And Samuel L. Rudolph the Muthafukin' Reindeer is like "Shoot. Hand me one. I see that wendigo and it's BOOM! Happy birthday, muthafuka!"
But Sam and Dean don't trust just any talking reindeer with a flare gun and Samuel L. Rudolph the Muthafukin' Reindeer gets pissed and flies away cause he can do that, muthafuka!
They head down a tunnel, DEAN and SAM in the lead with the flare guns and HALEY and BEN supporting TOM, who is limping cause he tried to be outshine Johnny Knoxville.
Growling, baby.
DEAN
Looks like someone's home for supper.
HALEY
We'll never outrun it. Quick, let's challenge it to a three-legged race!
DEAN looks back at the others.
DEAN
You thinking what I'm thinking?
SAM
(singing)
No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
DEAN
(singing)
So you're not thinking what I'm thinking?
SAM
(singing)
No, cause you're thinking I'm thinking what you're thinking!
DEAN
All right, listen to me. Stay with Sam. He's gonna get you out of here.
HALEY
What are you gonna do?
DEAN winks and starts walking and yelling cause he has a death wish. Or he likes his chances. Maybe both?
DEAN
Chow time, you freaky bastard! Yeah, that's right, bring it on, baby, I taste good.
WENDIGO
Stay here! Wendi coming to get some of the Ackles ass, baby!
It is so on!
SAM
All right, come on! Hurry!
The Collinseseseseseses follow SAM down the tunnel singing "Wendigo! Wendigo! It's into the woods we go! We've only got some knives and Dean is fighting for our lives! Wendigo! Wendigo! Wendigo!"
INT. MINE – DAY
DEAN
Hey, you want some white meat, bitch! I'm right here!
WENDIGO
Yeah, you already know Wendi want some of that skin, baby! Come here!
INT. MINE – DAY
SAM, HALEY, BEN, and TOM hurry down a tunnel.
Growling. SAM points the gun at it, then lowers the gun and turns to the Collinseseseseseseses.
SAM
Get him outta here.
HALEY
Sam, no. Wee oh wee!
SAM
Go! Go! Go! Nnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg!
BEN
Come on, Haley!
HALEY and BEN help TOM along the mine tunnel.
SAM holds the flare gun ready to shoot, looking down the tunnel cause he's oh so cute. Go Sammy! Go Sammy! It's ya birthday! It's ya birthday! Not really! Not really! Party anyway! Party anyway!
SAM
Come on. Come on. Don't make me bust out the robot.
Growling. SAM turns: the WENDIGO is right in his face, baby! SAM shoots and misses, then runs after the Collinseseseses?.
HALEY
Sam!
SAM
Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry.
They run to the end of the tunnel, the WENDIGO right behind, baby.
SAM
Get behind me. I'll use my body as a shield. Force field activate! Oh boy…
SAM is large enough to hide all three Collinses. Is that a metaphor?
The WENDIGO approaches, taking its time. Baby.
DEAN comes up behind the WENDIGO.
DEAN
Hey!
The WENDIGO turns. DEAN shoots it in the stomach.
WENDIGO
Why you gotta do me like this, baby?!
DEAN
You know why!
The flare goes off and the WENDIGO goes up in flames.
DEAN
Not bad, huh?
SAM grins cause what else are you gonna do when you piss your pants?
EXT. RANGER STATION – NIGHT
An ambulance loads up TOM. Two POLICE OFFICERS interviews BEN but fall asleep cause he kid is just so boring.
SAM stands behind BEN. YOGI and BOO-BOO stand behind SAM. Will they get away with the perfect crime? Did they binge watch Dexter for nothing?
OFFICER
And the bear came back again after you yelled at it? And stole its honey? And made rugs out of its cubs?
BEN
That's when it circled the campsite. I mean, this grizzly must have weighed eight hundred, nine hundred pounds.
OFFICER
All right, we'll go after it first thing.
Yeah right.
HALEY talks to DEAN; both have already been patched up.
HALEY
So I don't know how to thank you.
DEAN smirks lasciviously. HALEY smiles despite herself. Cause it's f'in' DEAN!
HALEY
Must you cheapen the moment?
DEAN
Yeah. F yeah.
A PARAMEDIC comes up to HALEY.
PARAMEDIC
You riding with your brother?
HALEY
Yeah. Regular yeah.
The PARAMEDIC heads back to the ambulance. HALEY turns to BEN.
HALEY
You're still here? Let's go.
SAM and BEN nod at each other. HALEY kisses DEAN on the cheek. No, not THAT one.
HALEY
I hope you find your alcoholic father.
HALEY and BEN head for the ambulance.
HALEY
Thanks, Sam.
HALEY and BEN climb in the ambulance with TOM, who is shirtless and bandaged. Will he ever been rid of the Hulk?
SAM sits on the Impala's hood with DEAN. Story time!
Noises of the ambulance driving away, sirens on.
DEAN
Sam, you know we're gonna find Dad, right?
SAM
Yeah, I know. But in the meantime? I'm driving.
DEAN tosses SAM the keys.
SAM and DEAN get in the car, slamming the doors almost in sync.
The car starts and drives off because it's awesome like that.
EXT. ROAD – DAY
The Impala drives along.
"Naruto Shippuden theme song" plays