I watched Deadpool 2 today, and I just had to write a scene with Xander and Deadpool. This one-shot contains DEFINITE spoilers about the movie, so I wouldn't read it if you hate spoilers.
This would occur a few years after season 7 of BTVS.
Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Deadpool or any of the related characters. This story has strong language that I normally NEVER use, but I thought it was appropriate since it's a Deadpool story.
Misery Loves Company
Wade Wilson, known to some as Deadpool, dragged his miserable, smelly hide home. What kind of friend was Weasel to run him out of the bar? Sure, he'd been drinking non-stop for three days, but it was the only thing he had left. Vanessa was dead, and it was his fault. Killing people for money was dangerous work, and he should've done more to keep Vanessa safe. Hell, everyone at Weasel's bar knew who he was and what he did. They knew how much Vanessa meant to him. Unlike some masked heroes, he didn't really have a secret identity. Wolverine didn't either, so why should he?
Now, though, he wished that he hadn't been such a loud mouth. He did drag himself home and fall into bed. Eventually, daylight protruded on the dream he was having of Vanessa. It wasn't a bad thing, however, since every time he closed his eyes, he saw her smile. Then he saw her die. If only he hadn't been so quick to dodge the bullet, it would've hit him and not her. Then she'd still be here since a bullet wouldn't have hurt him at all.
How could he have been so stupid, so selfish?
"What the hell is that smell?" he said as he sat up in bed. He sniffed and realized he was smelling himself.
"Damn," he mumbled. He went to his shower and got in, not really caring as much as wanting to get rid of the stink. Habit had him grabbing his normal body wash and spread it all over. Then he saw her shampoo and opened it up. He sniffed it and smelled her—it was like she was there with him. Closing his eyes, he imagined having her there with him. More than once, she'd surprised him by joining him in the shower. He'd wash her long, luxurious locks, and then she'd get down on her knees and give him a nice morning blow job.
"God, I loved her," he said. She was the perfect woman—so much better than he ever deserved. She loved him through cancer. Then she loved him through his horrible burn scars. They might've been a real-life example of Beauty and the Beast, but she was no proper princess. It had been her beauty he noticed first, but it was her filthy mouth that hooked him.
She was his perfect match in every way—not even minding his new job as a masked anti-hero. He loved killing sex slavers and pedophiles almost as much as he loved annoying Colossus.
After he had a shower, hunger drove him out of his house and to a nearby diner. He sat at the counter and ordered a coffee, ignoring the looks of pity people gave him at his appearance.
"Don't you just hate those looks," a voice said.
He looked up and saw a guy with an eye patch. The man smiled at him.
"What?" Wade asked, not really following the man's words.
"I said don't you hate those looks?" the man repeated.
"What looks?" Wade asked as he picked up his coffee.
"Pity," the man said with an easy smile.
Wade shrugged, not caring. "I don't give a fuck," he said.
"I don't anymore either," the man said. "But it used to piss me off."
"A lot of things piss me off," Wade admitted. He told the server what he wanted.
"I used to be like that," the man said. "I was the world's butt-monkey. The Zeppo. The one most likely to screw things up."
"Sounds like we might've been separated at birth," Wade said. "Except I was the hotter and smarter brother."
The man laughed, not offended. "I'm Xander," the man said, holding out his hand to Wade.
Wade couldn't remember the last time anyone had ever offered to shake his hand, so he took the man's hand in his and shook it. "Wade Wilson," he said.
"Good to meet you," Xander said. "It's nice to see a guy not care what people think. It took me a long time to become indifferent."
"I only ever cared what one person thought about me, and she's dead," Wade said grimly. His food arrived, and he began shoveling it in.
"Yea," Xander said. "The woman I last loved died, too. It sucks."
"Mine died from a bullet meant for me," Wade said.
"Mine died taking a blow meant for a total dweeb," Xander said.
Wade glared, hating to lose. "I used to be pretty," he said.
"I used to have two eyes," Xander said with a smirk.
"I had cancer," Wade said.
"My entire town fell into a giant sinkhole," Xander replied.
"Sunnydale?" Wade asked.
Xander nodded. "Yep," he said.
"I volunteered for experimental cancer treatments only to find out it was a lie," Wade shared. "It was a ruse to activate a mutant gene. They burned my cells by depriving me of oxygen—a total torture fest."
"That's why you're all burned up?" Xander asked, grimacing. "That sucks."
"Yea. Most painful day of my life until four days ago," he said glumly.
"I'm sorry, man," Xander said. "I know it might not see like it right now, but things will get better."
"They can't get any worse," Wade mumbled.
Xander lifted up his eyepatch, revealing his scars and empty eye-socket. "I had my eye gauged out by an insane priest, who was trying to murder my best friend," he shared.
Wade made a gagging noise. "Dude, I'm trying to eat!" he said.
Xander grinned, putting the patch back. "Does that mean I win?" he asked.
"I didn't realize it was a competition," Wade said, lying.
"Hey, misery loves company, right?" Xander asked.
"So they say," Wade said. He ate his breakfast, not speaking anymore.
Xander let him finish his breakfast in peace. Then he asked, "So, Wade, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a trained assassin with mutant powers," Wade said easily. "I can't be killed."
"That sounds exciting," Xander said. "What do you assassinate?"
"Oh, you know. Dirtbags, murderers, slave traders—I may be a killer, but I have a soul, you know—standards," Wade said with a smirk. "What about you?"
"I kill soulless demons. The occasional vampire or two," Xander said with a wink, let the guy think he was joking. "I also train slayers to kill them."
"Cool," Wade said, smiling for the first time. "Call me if you need a killer that can't be killed to kill one of those soulless demons." He reached in his jeans and handed Xander his card.
Xander read it and grinned. "Deadpool?"
"That's my superhero name," Wade said proudly. "They had a pool going on when I'd be dead at my buddy's bar. I liked the name. It just fit. You know?"
"I guess," Xander said, giving him a puzzled look. Was this guy for real? He was hard to read, and Xander was known as the One Who Sees.
"Thanks for making me not want to find out if I could survive getting blown up or not," Wade said, throwing money on the counter for the server.
"Here's the thing," Xander said, feeling a need to reach out in case the man was for real. "No matter how bad things get, there's always someone out there that could use some help. Or there's demons that need killing."
Wade assumed his continuous use of demon was a metaphor and slapped on the shoulder before walking away. "I'll remember that," he said. Then he left the diner, alone with his grief once more.
*****A Week Later*****
Wade was feeling pretty good after Cable went back in time and saved his life. He even got Colossus to say the F word. Best of all, he'd died and seen Vanessa once more. One day, he would be with her again. Knowing that made life bearable again.
His apartment was blown up, so he was crashing at the X-Men mansion even though he knew very well he wasn't cut out to be an X-Men. Colossus was such a cute puppy, but Wade couldn't not kill bad guys. Some men just needed to be put down.
His phone rang. "Who do you need me to kill?" he asked as he answered.
"Funny you should ask," the caller said.
"Who is this?" Wade asked.
"This is Xander. You gave me your card at breakfast last week," Xander said.
"You promised to call me in the morning and never did. I cried for days," Wade said with a dramatic sigh.
"I've always been a tease," Xander said, not missing a beat. "But I actually thought you could help me out with something. See, I run this small school for girls."
"Seriously? I'm at a school for mutants, and they're super lame," Wade said as Colossus frowned at him.
"Who are you talking to?" Colossus asked.
"My favorite whore," Wade said with a grin. "I was trying to find you a date."
He snickered at Colossus' expression.
"Wade?" Xander said.
"I'm here," he replied.
"I'd love to meet whoever you're ragging on sometime, but right now, I have a real problem that you might be able to help me with," Xander said.
"What is it?"
"Were you serious about being a mutant that can't be killed?" Xander asked.
"Pretty much. My body heals everything now. Cancer. Bullet wounds. I even grew back my hand once," he shared. "Recently, I survived a dismemberment and being ripped into two pieces."
Xander was silent as he took in those disturbing images. "Well, then my job should be a piece of cake," he said. He gave Wade an address to come to.
An hour later, Dopinder drove him to the address. "This place is almost as big as the X-Men's place," Dopinder said.
"I'll call you. Thanks," Wade said. He was dressed in his Deadpool suit.
When he walked to the door and rang the doorbell, a young girl answered it. "Hi," he said.
The girl's eyes widened, and she kicked him in the balls. "Intruder!" she yelled.
Wade was bent over, pain shooting in his groin. "I rang the damn bell!" he insisted.
"Zoe, who is it?" Xander asked as he came into the hall.
"Some freak with swords and a scary mask! It's not Halloween, Xander!" Zoe exclaimed.
"It's me!" Wade insisted.
"Wade?" Xander asked.
"Deadpool," he replied.
Xander grinned. "Wow! That's some look!" he said. "Zoe, this is not an intruder. This is the guy who's going to help us with our fire demon problem."
"Oh," Zoe said. "Sorry."
"Is that your sister?" Wade said as he straightened.
"No. One of the girls I train," he said.
"So you weren't kidding about teaching slayers?" Wade asked.
"No more than you were kidding about being a mutant, I hope," he said.
"I'm a real mutant. I tried being an X-Men-in-training, but then I killed two pedophiles abusing mutant kids, and Colossus let me get sent to the ice-box," Wade said.
"What's that?" Xander asked.
"Mutant prison," he replied. "I met the Juggernaut. That was pretty cool. Well, he did rip me in two, so maybe not so cool. You should never meet your heroes—it can be massively disappointing."
Xander couldn't see his face, so he didn't know how serious Wade was being. Before he could reply, one of the girls called out, "Xander they're here."
"Show time," Xander said. "Okay, here's the run down. My slayers are kind of like mutants except it's not science but magic that gives them their powers. My best friend is a very powerful witch, who is constantly being challenged by every magic user around. Lately, they've been breaching our defenses here by sending these fire demons."
"Seriously? That's a thing?" Wade asked, impressed.
"Yep," Xander said. "Normally, Willow would take care of this, but she's in England dealing with an apocalypse. The New York house was supposed to be like my retirement. All the superheroes in the area was supposed to make this an easy job. We shut down the hellmouth in Cleveland just last year, and I wanted to take it easy. The new girls that are recently called are here, so they aren't very experienced yet. When they turn sixteen, they get sent to Buffy to do serious slaying. This nice easy job, however, is not so easy lately."
"Nothing is ever easy," Wade said, finding his new friend interesting. Of course, he wasn't really buying the hellmouth-magic bit, thinking it was another way to describe mutants.
He followed Xander out the back door. There were about a dozen young women armed with swords facing a very large creature that was on fire.
"Wow! You weren't kidding!" Wade exclaimed.
"Girls, stay back. Mr. Wilson is going to use his sword to kill it," Xander announced.
"Is it a magic sword?" Zoe asked.
"No," Wade said. He pulled out both of his swords and grinned. "I just have a gift."
Xander stood with the girls and watched as Wade charged the fire demon, dodging more than one fire ball. Then he jumped closer and the demon caught him on fire.
"Aaahh!" Wade screamed. "That hurts, mother fucker!" He jumped up and swung his sword at the creature's neck, hoping it would cut through. It did.
The creature's flames went out as it topped over, its head rolling.
Xander grinned as they watched a now mostly naked Wade face them, looking triumphant. "He's flame proof!" Xander told the girls, who cheered.
"That's so cool!" one of them said.
"My superhero costume is toast!" Wade complained. Half his face mask was burned off.
"We don't fight humans, so you don't need it here anyway," Xander said. "Thanks for your help."
"I'll send you my bill," Wade said as he took off the rest of his mask and grinned.
"Dude, your face is all burned up!" Zoe exclaimed in horror.
"Nah, that's his normal face," Xander said with a smirk.
The girls looked at Xander aghast. "Xander, that's not nice!" Tasha said.
Wade laughed, feeling good. First, he saved Russell, died, and saw Vanessa. Now he was fighting fire demons or mutants—he wasn't sure he believed Xander. Either way, he felt important again.
"Why don't you girls work on disposal while I get Wade some clothes?" Xander said.
The girls nodded and moved to do his bidding.
"So, you have your own harem? Cool," Wade said with a smug grin.
"Hardly," Xander said. "I corral super powered teenage girls. It's not sexy."
"I've had some experience with a moody super powered teenage girl, so I can sympathize," he said, thinking of Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
"How would you like a job?" Xander asked. "Nothing too serious. You could live here and help us out on occasion."
"I don't think I'm really suitable to be around children since I'm not exactly PG," Wade said with a snicker.
"Who is?" Xander said. "They fight demons in a supernatural battle. They can handle an R-rated anti-hero with delusions of grandeur."
"Hey, I'm not delusional! I am a total badass!" Wade protested. "You are, though, if you think demons are real."
"They are," Xander said. "You just beheaded one."
Wade smirked. "It was a mutant with fire powers," he replied. "Not impressed. I know one teenage boy who can do that."
"Well, then, living here and helping us out should make you feel right at home," Xander said, not going to argue with the truth that would be apparent soon enough.
"Xander!" Zoe called out. "Tell Trisha to not throw fucking demon heads at me!"
"Trisha, don't throw fucking demon heads at Zoe!" Xander called back.
Wade grinned. It definitely wasn't the X-Men mansion. Maybe, it could be fun.
For a while.
"Okay, Xander, I'll give this place a try!" he told him.
Xander slapped him on the back. "Great. I'll take you to the graveyard tonight and show you how to stake a vampire!" he said.
"Huh?" Wade asked. When Xander looked smug, he began to wonder if he agreed to move in too soon.
What the hell. He only lived once. Unless of course, you knew someone with technology from the future that could go back in time and change your future.
That, though, is a story for another day.
*****The End*****
I just thought this was a fun idea. Thanks for reading. Reviews are much appreciated.