My name is Dezbe. I am going to be twenty years old pretty soon, and I think that's great. I've been living at the Citadel my whole entire life. Well, at least that's what I'm told. My dad, Elder Lyons, doesn't really tell me much. I stopped asking a while ago, I felt I was getting on his nerves. My sister, Sara, she doesn't like me much. She's about ten years older than me, and we look nothing alike. I have this feeling we might have different moms, but I don't know.
You see, a while ago, months now, I got hit in the head really bad. At least, that's what Vargas tells me. I was doing something foolish, toying with guns when I have no idea how to shoot at all, and one ricocheted and hit me in the temple. I have the scar to prove that, too. That's all anyone tells me about it though, really. My frontal lobe or something was damaged, and I can't recall anything from then. I can't even remember any of my birthdays. It just makes my head hurt to try.
It bums me out, too. Because I don't know who I am. Sure, Vargas, Sara, John, and Gunny all tell me who I am, but really I don't know. I know my name, I know the day, the year, and that the outside world is really dangerous. Dad trains soldiers, Brotherhood of Steel Knights, to help fight evils in the Capital Wasteland. I've never been allowed outside the Citadel, dad thinks it'll be too horrible for me to see. He lets Sara go, though, and that sure pisses me off.
I try not to let dad see I'm upset about that, though. The last time I tried to let him let me go out with some of the Knights, he got really mad and yelled at me. He said he almost lost me once and he wasn't going to risk losing me again. I guess that means I'm the favorite daughter. Still, it must be really, really cool to see it all. I can see the monument if I climb high enough, but that's about it. I want to actually see the things called Super Mutants, and I want to shoot at the 'giant bugs', and I want to go and have wild adventures. Dad won't let me though, but one day I'll get out of here.
I also don't remember where I got all my scars. When I woke up, and they told me I was okay to go off in the Citadel on my own, the first thing I did was shower. When I took off the clothes dad gave me, all I saw was scars. There's this really big one that twists down my back and around my ribs. I have no idea where that came from. I also have muscle showing on my wrist, and on my collarbone. When I asked dad about all this, he said I was a very reckless child. I may not know much about medical things, but I do know pink scars are fresh scars. The one on my head, and the ones on my arm, and my back, are pink. They did not happen when I was little.
Either way, there's a lot of holes in my life that I just gave up on discovering. Dad gets really mad when I ask, and everyone else seems to play dumb. I figure I'm safe here though, I have good food and water at my dispense, and people are generally nice. Why would I want to leave it? Whenever Sara comes back it looks like she's seen hell and the Devil himself. Usually she's limping, and really hungry, too. It doesn't seem like something I'd like.
I like to spend my times in my room, reading a book, or just walking around and watching everyone train. I'm the only one who can sleep in and not train. Sometimes the Knights get mad, but they never get mad at me. They just say how it's not fair and eventually I'm going to have to 'grow up'. I wonder sometimes, why they get so mad, but when I try to remember it hurts. Like there's this big pain blocker in my head, preventing me from actually remembering.
Yet there's something I do remember. I remembered it when I was reading a book about the planets and stars. I didn't tell anyone though, I don't know why. I feel like…like it's something personal. Like I have to keep it to myself because if anyone else knows they'll take it away, or something. You see I was reading about an old half-planet, Pluto. I guess it's not a planet now, says the book, but it's still called a 'dwarf planet' because it can't just be a rock. It has a moon, too. That's what I remembered. The moon's name. The second I read that Pluto had a moon half its size, the name jumped at me. Charon. Sure, it's probably nothing important, but I remembered it. I just pass it off as nothing. I probably read the book before, and just reminded myself. But still, I remembered something, and I felt so proud.
Right now though, I'm watching Gunny train new members how to use Power Armor. He won't teach me, though. Even though we're secretly dating, he won't show me how. He says since my dad didn't say it was okay, he wasn't going to risk it. Sometimes he lets me put on his helmet, and he laughs when I fall over. I laugh, too.
"Hey there."
He says, walking up to me and taking off his helmet. I smiled at him, and brush my hair behind my ear.
"Hi."
"Want to go down and get some food? Sara's taking out another crew, so we'll have the place to ourselves if you want to talk."
I nod, still smiling. I try to get any information out of Gunny that I can. It's really hard though, especially if I'm doing something he really likes when I ask. Like if I ask when he sees me in my underwear, it's like he's trying not to tell me, rather than just fighting to urge to have sex with me. I won't let him have sex with me, though. Not until he tells dad and marries me.
"I have some questions I want to ask, if that's okay."
Gunny laughs and kisses my cheek quickly. We can't be seen doing anything, or else someone will tell dad, and then Gunny and I will be in trouble.
"You always have questions."
"You never answer them."
Sometimes, I feel really angry. I don't know why, but I do. I can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth they're so mean, and I never mean them but still. It's just like I become this whole different person. Someone I don't know and don't like very much. It gets really scary, because sometimes I think I hear someone talking to me, but I'm alone in the room. I don't want to ask any of the doctors here, though. They might think I'm crazy.
"Yes I do, I answer them all the time."
Gunny walks down the B Ring with me, the halls are empty. Usually there's people, but when Sara heads out everyone goes with her. I really wish I could go, I do. Just once. Maybe soon I'll ask dad again, when he's in his room and all alone. If I just tell him how badly I want to see everything, maybe he'll understand. Gunny stops at a Nuka-Cola machine and takes two out. He hands me one, and I crack it open.
All the food has some radiation to it. Everyone around here is use to it, and takes Rad-X before or after they eat, but not me. I pretend to. Truth is, I don't feel like taking it. Whenever I eat or drink anything irradiated, I feel warm inside. Comfortably warm, and stronger, too. Why would you want to get rid of that? Of course, that's another thing I don't tell anybody.
"Yeah but you never give me the full answer."
"Dez, you've been awake how long now? You have got to just accept it, and try to be happy."
We walk into the cafeteria, and like I said, no one is here. I sit down and Gunny goes over to get some Sugar Bombs and milk. He knows it's my favorite.
"But I can't. It's my life, and I don't remember anything from it."
"Me telling you over and over again won't make you remember."
I sigh, and play with a spoon in front of me.
"I know but…I guess I just like hearing it."
"Well, what do you want to know tonight?"
It is night. Well, evening, really. I get excited. When Gunny falls asleep, I'm going to sneak up to the roof and look at the Capital Wasteland. It's the only time I can see it, and it's beautiful.
"Uhm…I don't know, actually."
It seems like everything I want to know has already been answered. Who was I, what was I like, how did it all happen, just seem like pointless questions. I already know, they've told me over and over again, and usually they won't tell me anything more. Gunny lets out a chuckle, bringing over the two bowls of cereal and setting one in front of me. He sits down in his Power Armor, and I can tell he's tired.
"Well, that's different. Usually you're bursting with questions."
I shrugged, and ate some of the food. I saw Gunny pop in a Rad-X, and tried not to roll my eyes. He's right, though. Usually I am bugging him or anyone else who'll listen with questions and whatnot. Lately, though, I haven't been feeling like myself. Sure, I have no idea who 'myself' is right now, but I've just been feeling a bit off. A big chunk of my life, actually my whole life, is missing. It's lost inside my mind and I can't bring it back up. I don't know who I really am, and it makes me angry. I don't know why, but it's that same anger I talked about before. It makes me someone…someone I don't want to get to know.
"Yeah, I guess."
"What's wrong, Dez? You really seem off."
I push the bowl away from me, sighing.
"I'm not really hungry…"
Gunny's eyes meet mine, and I try to smile, but I can't.
"You want to get out of here, don't you?"
My eyes light up, and I look at him. Leaning over the table, I grab his arm.
"Gunny, what's it like out there? Tell me, please?"
Gunny sighs. No one ever tells me what it looks like out there. Just what's dangerous and why I shouldn't leave. No one ever lets me ever glance outside the gates. I swear they make sure I'm inside before opening them.
"Well…it's big."
"Yeah…and?"
"And desolate. The city is in ruins, hell the whole world is, but it's a sight let me tell you. Aside from the ghouls and Super Mutants, out there isn't that bad. It's big, wide, and outside of the city it's open for miles and miles. There's a few towns settled here and there, but nothing big."
Wow, a whole entire place, a whole world, I've never seen before.
"Are there people?"
"Sure there's people. Hell there's tons of people, but you have to be careful of which ones you talk to. Some of them are mean sons of bitches, other's are beggars, and some are nice civilians."
It sounds wonderful. Sure, it's all blown up, but still. It sounds like I could meet so many people, learn so many things. I took my hand off of Gunny's arm and sighed.
"I'd give anything to see that…"
"Hey now, you best not be gettin' any ideas. Hell your father would kill me in an instant if he found out I told you all that."
I looked at him, my fingers running through my hair. I like the feel of that, I don't know why. I like feeling something tugging at my hair, it makes me feel comforted. Gunny doesn't do it, even though I've asked. I guess he thinks its gross or something. I don't know.
"Why does he want me here, anyways? I mean, what's the big deal if I leave or not?"
Gunny shifted. He suddenly tensed up and stared off into space for a minute, his eyes glazing over. He never did that before, but then again I never asked him that before.
"Well…you see…have you asked him?"
I nodded, playing with some of my hair.
"Right erm…well, it's because you're his youngest daughter. He doesn't…want anyone…anything to take you away from him."
He said 'daughter' like it was strained. Like he was keeping something secret. He also said 'anyone'. Who out there would take me away from here? I'd come back, I just want to see what it's like.
"But I'd come back. And who would take me from here, anyways? My family is here, I wouldn't abandon my family."
Gunny seemed hurt that I didn't mention him in that equation. To be honest, I don't really have very strong emotions for him. I mean, it's nice he likes me and thinks I'm pretty, but that's it. I'd kiss him, but I won't sleep with him. I just feel…like it isn't right. It makes me uncomfortable to be around him sometimes, like someone's watching me and yelling at me for it. It's probably because my dad would freak.
"I think you should talk to your father about it."
"Gunny he won't talk to me about it. He just gets mad and storms off, it's annoying."
Gunny chuckled, leaning back in the chair.
"You're gonna give Old Man Lyons a heart attack, Dez."
Dezbe Lyons. For some reason it doesn't fit. It doesn't work. It makes me insides turn and quake, I don't like it.
"Yeah well…I just want to get out of here. I mean, if someone just taught me how to defend myself, I'm sure I'd be fine."
"It's not that simple, Dez."
I got angry. I felt it coming and I can't stop it. It just rises up inside, and makes me this person I'm totally not. Standing up, I glared at Gunny, angry.
"Fine. Whatever."
I turned and stormed off. He didn't chase me, Gunny never chases nobody, and I'm no exception. I stormed down the hall, pushing past the stupid Scribes in their stupid robes. Sometimes I feel so trapped here, like the walls are closing in on me. When all the running room you have is a quarter in the middle of the building, you tend to feel cooped up. Sure, I've never been outside these walls but I just feel it. I just feel all this energy and turmoil inside me that tells me to go, run, see it all. It's like a dictatorship here in the Citadel. My father and Rothchild command everything, every fucking goddamn thing, and it's insane.
Getting up to the roof isn't easy, but it seems it when you're angry. I climbed a set of stairs, and passed an open room full of sleeping Initiates. They sleep outside, to be a night watch almost. Grabbing a piece of rock, I pull myself up the wall with ease. Since the first time I tried this, I've surprised myself. It seems so easy, and it seems like lifting my own weight isn't a problem. My body just seems to know where to go and where to step, without me having to tell it anything.
I get to the top and look out. The Washington Monument is big, but I know it's far away. I can never see what's really out there. Outside of the old shadows of the city, there's nothing. It's just black, and at night you can't see very far out. In the day, I'm sure you can see for miles and miles, but I'm not allowed up here in the day. I'm supposed to stay inside, where no one but the Brotherhood can talk to me. It's like I'm some sort of important science project or something. Everyone wants to keep prying eyes away.
I look down at my left wrist. It's a reflex I've had since…well since I can remember really. At random times, I find myself looking down at it, for no reason. Nothings there, it's just an arm, but still I do it. I don't know why, maybe it's a nervous twitch. I look down to see nothing, sigh, and look away. Maybe I used to have a watch, and checked the time a lot. Either way, it gets annoying. No one asks about it, but it annoys me.
Looking out at the blackness, I feel a cool breeze against the back of my outfit. I feel sad sometimes, like now. At first I thought it was because I couldn't remember, but now I'm thinking it's something more. It's like…there's something bigger, something I'm missing. I don't know what it is, but it must have been important. It must have been…maybe a pet? Maybe I had a dog, or a Yao Guai, and something happened to it. It's the kind of miss that has something to do with something living. I don't feel alone in this world with all these other people around me so much, but I feel lonely.