The idea for this story came to me late at night while I was studying for finals but also watching The Walking Dead—meaning that I was just watching the Walking Dead—and the graphic Rosita and Abraham scene came on. And suddenly I was like, what's the most ridiculous thing Eugene has done to watch someone else have sex? Scaled a building? Fought an alligator? Sold his soul? Maybe! So this ridiculous fic was born. WARNING: there is no conceivable plot to this fic aside from Eugene telling raunchy stories and getting in trouble. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads, follows, favorites, and reviews!
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"That's it! I can't take this anymore!" Glenn shouted, stomping down the hall in only his underwear, pulling Eugene along by the collar of his shirt.
"What's going on out here?" Rick hissed, poking his head out from the door to his room. Judith's startled cries erupted from behind him. His eyes widened seeing Glenn in his tighty whities; he coughed and looked away uncomfortably.
Glenn was too angry to feel embarrassed. "He was doing it again, Rick."
The leader sighed heavily and rubbed at the space between his eyes. "Eugene, we've talked about this..."
"No more talk!" Glenn cried, dragging Eugene behind him down the stairs.
Rick groaned, not wanting to deal with this issue again. He looked back at his screaming baby, who was being consoled by Carl, and back at the stairs, weighing which option was less obnoxious. After another wave of baby Judith's howls, Rick sighed resentfully.
"Glenn, wait," he called wearily, following him down the stairs.
At this point, many other members of the group came out of their rooms, rubbing their eyes and mumbling irritably.
Sasha cracked her knuckles. "Whoever woke me up, please step forward to receive your reward."
Tyreese nudged her shoulder and said, "Yeah, you really can't afford to miss your beauty sleep."
"Shut up," Sasha snapped. Tyreese chuckled in response.
"What's going on?" Carl asked, confused and sleepy, rocking his crying sister in his arms.
Maggie stepped out of her room, furiously trying to smooth down her hair and straighten her shirt. She was glaring daggers and replied, "Eugene was watching Glenn and I again."
She stomped ahead of them, presumably following her husband, and the others filed behind her excitedly, not wanting to miss any of the drama.
Glenn was shouting outside, Eugene still in his clutches, and Rick was holding his head as if the headache within would explode.
"I am going to hit you so hard, not even the walkers are gonna want to eat you!" Glenn yelled. Eugene looked more or less unconcerned, having gone through this argument several times before and coming out of it relatively unscathed.
"Glenn," Rick said, trying to use his reasoning voice, "Let's just go back inside and talk."
"No Rick!" Glenn cried passionately, "Not this time! He needs to pay!" Maggie nodded furiously, and the crowd followed the exchange with wide eyes.
Rick thought this over. He put his hand on his hip and gave the livid man in underwear a quizzical look. "Why?" he asked.
Glenn sputtered. "We-Well, b-because he's a damn pervert!"
Rick motioned for him to calm down. "Yeah, that's obvious," he said, "But I mean, why is it so important to you that he be punished this time?"
Glenn and Maggie looked at each other with similar wide-eyed expressions. She quickly shook her head 'no'. Glenn licked his lips nervously.
"Well?" Tara prompted, taking a chip from the small bag Abraham had opened for himself and Rosita. The couple had been smiling on the sidelines, glad to not be the ones on display for a change.
"I…uh," Glenn mumbled.
"Don't," Maggie said sternly, crossing her arms.
"Tell us!" Tyreese grinned, snagging a chip from Abraham's bag.
"Yeah, com'on!" Michonne urged, plucking Tyreese's chip from his fingers.
"Glenn," Maggie said warningly, desperation obvious on her face. Glenn tightened his grip on Eugene's collar, his face masked with fear. Eugene looked on, stoically waiting for the ordeal to be over.
"Hurry it up people, it's freezing out here!" Sasha jeered. She added quietly, "I mean, Glenn's making that pretty obvious." Carol and Michonne snorted, and several others held back grins. Glenn shifted away from the group, embarrassed but still angry.
"They were trying anal for the first time."
"EUGENE!" Maggie screeched.
"Atta boy, Glenn!" Abraham hooted, unable to hide his amusement. Carl and Noah burst into juvenile laughter. Father Gabriel cringed.
"It…it was supposed to be romantic!" Glenn shouted, defeated.
Rick covered his eyes and hoped that this event wouldn't be Judith's first memory.
"Whatever! He needs to learn his lesson!" Glenn snarled. All the shouting and commotion had drawn a small group of walkers to the suburban house they were staying.
"We got it," Abraham said, passing his chip bag to Tara, who happily tore into it. He and Rosita jogged over to the walkers, flipping their knives out as they ran.
Abraham looked at her, wide-eyed. "Okay, I know for a fact that you ain't got nothing on under that robe. So where were you storing that knife?"
Rosita giggled, driving her blade into the squishy skull of a walker. "I have my ways," she grinned.
Abraham's eyes bulged out of their sockets, but he broke his stare long enough to stab through the eye of one walker, and kick over another. "Woman, what are you saying?"
Rosita rolled her eyes. "Oh Abraham, you really are clueless," she said, opening the slit of her robe enough to show him the weapon holster she had strapped to her thigh. She then turned to tackle another walker to the ground.
"My god you are stunning," Abraham grinned. He stomped on the fallen walker's head, and took out another with his knife before rushing over to Rosita to kiss her passionately.
"Abraham," she breathed, "now?"
Abraham looked from her face back to the house, where Glenn was still nude and shouting. He gazed back down at Rosita. "Maybe not tonight. Eugene's already claimed his victim."
Rosita rolled her eyes. "Glenn's really overreacting," she said, "If only he had been through what we've been through."
Abraham snorted. "Yeah, really. Eugene's retina was almost attached permanently to my knuckles the first time we caught him."
Rosita smiled fondly. "Yeah, that was one serious black eye. Maybe we should go tell them to back off?" The pair turned, hand in hand, and walked back to the house, where Glenn was still raving.
"—you gross, skeezy, pervy, weirdo!" Glenn finished insulting Eugene, breathing heavily.
"Sorry Glenn, but Abraham and I have had it way worse," Rosita said, sauntering over to where they stood, "Eugene has seen us knocking boots about a hundred times, and it's not like we weren't trying to hide it. Closets, storm drains, meat lockers—you name it, we've bumped uglies there and he's found us."
"Well take him back for all I care! We don't want to be his new favorite couple to watch lust and thrust!" Glenn said.
Rosita laughed. "Oh, we're definitely still his favorite couple to watch park the beef bus."
"Not true," Eugene piped up.
Abraham and Rosita looked at him disbelievingly. "Oh really? Who do you watch cave dive more than us?" he asked.
"Can we please stop with the sex euphemisms?" Gabriel begged.
Eugene mulled this over for a second. After some contemplation, he said, "Well, I used to watch the Governor and Andrea bump and hump quite a bit."
Silence fell upon the group.
Rick's eyes narrowed. "What did you say?" he asked. Michonne stood up from her perch on the porch railing, her expression shifting darkly.
Eugene shrugged. "Don't worry Rick, I watched you and Lori slam the ham plenty of times."
Rick straight up punched Eugene in the face. "Don't you dare talk about Lori!" he yelled. Daryl jumped to his side to make sure no other punches were thrown.
"How do you even know about Lori?" Carol demanded.
"How could you possibly have been here before she died?" Glenn added.
Eugene struggled to sit up in the dirt, spitting out a small mouthful of blood. He squinted up at the group and smiled.
"Well that's easy," Eugene said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "I'm Eugene Porter: Professional Pervert."