Disclaimer: I won absolutely nothing of South of Nowhere…though owning Ashley wouldn't be too bad, I guess.
"First Aiden, now this?! Ashley, what….what the hell is your problem?" My voice broke halfway through as I knew what I was really asking was more along the lines of, 'is there anything wrong with me?'. I didn't understand how I had managed to fall in love with someone that was so incapable of sharing in the same admiration for me. If love was a mutual thing – which it most definitely was – how could I continue to care for someone that didn't seem to give a rat's ass about myself. I wasn't sure how it happened. All I knew was that it couldn't continue like this. Second chances were suddenly over rated and I wasn't sure if I was angrier at her for screwing up again…or if I was more mad at myself for giving her the opportunity.
That had all been three years ago. By now I would have figured that things would have cleared up. People say that time heals everything. But I guess I'm still waiting. The dull thud that I felt in my heart three years ago still beats hollowly against my chest. Especially in the moments that I catch a waft of someone who wears the same perfume, or even whenever someone manages to mutter something sarcastic. Maybe sometimes I'm too emotional for my own good. God knows my brother has been trying to get that through my head since the moment I was born into existence. But at the same time, I think that if I wasn't so emotional about this, it would be so much worse. It wasn't good to bottle up emotions. Long ago had I given up on giving my feelings to Ashley Davies. So now that she was gone from both the city and my life, it seemed only reasonable that I'd waste my emotions on myself. By that I mean crying alone before I go to bed or on that stupid anniversary that she made sure we always kept on the down low.
Her absence from my life had chucked me down an abyss that I was incapable of pulling myself out of. I wasn't strong enough to pick myself up after my falls, and yet I had been oh-so-mighty in forcing the one person that had the ability to carry me away. No, I didn't still love her. God no, I don't. I borderline hate her. I'm just mad at myself for the unexplainable that sends me reeling in tears.
But whatever…Sunday dinners weren't the best places to think about this kind of stuff. I had been staring mindlessly at my plate filled with mashed potatoes…I'm actually surprised that drool wasn't making its way down the side of my face. I seriously needed to stop spacing out. I snapped back into attention as a crumpled napkin managed to hit me square in the nose. Looking up almost bordly from my plate to see Glen staring at me expectantly, I figured I had been asked a question. Great…I hated giving answers when all I wanted to do was clamp my mouth shut with a staple gun.
"Spencer, honey, how were your final exams?" I came so close to glaring at my mom that I had to force myself to fake cough a few times to regain my composure. Who the hell cared about my exams? After high school I still had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. And before I knew it, it was time to pick our majors at the college I went to. Luckily for me, I still had no game plan. Public relations seemed easy enough. And when I went to classes the first day, 'easy enough' didn't cover how simple the classes seemed to be. I was no Einstein, but a log could figure out how to answer phones and work a computer. I didn't know I had signed up to learn how to be a secretary.
I wiped the incredulous look off my face and tried throwing my mom a smile that a smarter person who knew me better would take to be my fake grin. "Oh they were fine…nothing completely out of my league." With a shrug of my shoulders I dismissed her question. To appease my dad who I knew was just about to ask me why I hadn't eaten anything, I dug my fork into my mashed potatoes before shoving them into my mouth. Lady-like? Yeah…no. But it felt as if I was being forced to swallow lead. Glancing up at the clock on the wall, I sighed as waves of relief washed over me; only one more hour and it would be polite enough to say that I had to leave. 'Homework to get to,' I knew I would say. Yea, sure…like I had suddenly forgot how to turn on and off a cordless phone.
It didn't even take me an hour to declare my need to get back to my dorm. My mother especially was very adamant about school, something that came in handy excuse-wise when I wanted to get going. It took me fifteen minutes to get my parents off my back, promising them that I would be fine, and that, yes, I had enough money to get me through the week. Finally, in my car, I could breathe again. Driving, like most other things, had become a robot action for me. I did it effortlessly, never really watching the cars beside me or the road that lay in front of me. I guess, no I know, I really just didn't care.
I pulled into the parking lot in front of my dorm and cut the ignition before grabbing my keys and walking up towards the entrance. Three flights of stairs later and I was pushing my way carefully into my room; 213 B. I shared it with Madison. Shocked? You'd be an idiot not to. Well, she grew a heart in our senior year and we actually got pretty damn close. Actually, when I think about it, besides she-who-must-not-be-named, Madison is my closest confident. Funny how things have a way of working out.
Yet she wasn't in and I could only figure that she was yet again spending the night at her boyfriend's apartment. I didn't truthfully like the guy. Elias. Could a name get any dorkier? I wasn't sure what Madison saw in him. Besides his slightly haughty good looks, he had the vocabulary of a wall and the conversation skills of a mute donkey. Maybe I was being a little harsh…but it was something Madison and I laughed over. I think she knew that he really wasn't all that great of a catch.
I slowly undressed, sliding into a pair of loose shorts that hung around my waste and a tank top. I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but college dorms don't exactly come equipped with air conditioning. I collapsed onto my hard mattress and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. A small smile crept onto my face as I began to welcome the dreariness of sleep over my body. I loved…shit. I suddenly had the maniac instinct to chuck my phone out the window. Who in the hell would call me? I had just seen my family, they had no reason. If it was Madison, calling with some plea for me to pick her up, I was going to go full out Spencer on her and kick her ass…figuratively of course. I'm not really a violent person. Whining slightly out of frustration and pure fatigue, I turned over on my side to grab my phone angrily off my bed side table. Good thing I was already supported by a bed. If I hadn't been my legs might have given out on me. After three years I hadn't gotten so much as a postcard. And now I get a call in the dead of night from the girl that I had vowed to never make contact with again? I wasn't sure if it made me love or hate Ashley Davies more.