"Where's Tris?" I say.
"I'm sorry, Tobias."
"Sorry about what?" Christina says roughly. "Tell us what happened!"
"Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb," Cara says. "She survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she… she was shot. And she didn't survive. I'm so sorry."
Christina's jaw drops open as she grabs the railing of the stairs, her body swaying backwards and forwards. Cara's words swim in my head, hanging in the air around me. Coloured pricks of light form at the edges of my vision as I slump to the floor. No. No no no. Tris wouldn't, couldn't, leave me. After everything Caleb did to her, to her family, she still found it in her heart to sacrifice herself for him. If anything, she is the true meaning of the phrase 'genetically pure'. Tris, my beautiful, strong, intelligent, selfless, brave Tris. She is pure. She is perfect. And now, she is gone. I press my hand to my mouth, to try to push the rising sobs back down, but they still manage to break through.
Cara tries to reach for me, to stop me from shaking and howling, but I pull back. If I can no longer touch Tris, I don't want to touch anyone, nor do I want to speak to or look at them. I bury my face in my arms but even with my eyes closed can I still see her lifeless body, punctured with the metal bullets that stole her from me.
The rest of the day is a blur. I find myself back in the dormitory, having half stumbled, half run there. I fall back onto my bed and let the tears roll down my face, not bothering to wipe them away. I feel empty, yet I feel like I am about to burst- so full of the promises we made and the future we had planned together. Cara's words were like a needle, bursting the bubble of happiness, excitement and love that Tris and I had shared. Four fears. None of them like the fear I feel now- the fear that I am alone, the fear of not having Tris, the fear that our futures are no longer entwined together. Everything hurts, my head, my body, my heart. I get up, only to fall back down. How many times has that happened? That I have fallen, yet Tris has been there to catch me? To tell me everything will be ok? To hold me, to hug and kiss me, to love me? It's all over, it's all gone.
I hear footsteps and look up in time to see Zeke enter the room. His eyes are red and bloodshot from crying over the news of Uriah. He looks terrible, although I can't imagine I look any better. He makes his way past the beds and hesitates before sitting next to me. I don't say anything and nor does he. I keep my eyes fixed on Tris' bed, the covers tucked into the sides, the pillow propped up at the metal headboard.
"Man, I'm sorry," Zeke says, his voice full of pain.
"How come you don't hate me?" I ask simply.
"Because you didn't… kill Uriah," he struggles to say the words, however true they may be.
I turn and clasp Zeke around his neck, releasing my weight onto him. We both break down and are equally grateful for each other to hold onto as we cry.
"Zeke, I know I promised. I know I did and I'm sorry and I don't expect anything from you but I just want you to know that I feel so so terrible,"
"Tobias, neither my mum nor I blame you. This is a dangerous world that we live in and when you guys left the city… I knew the risks," Zeke sighs, and although I don't believe him, I hug him again, before he stands up to leave. He harbours no hate towards me. Only pain for the loss of his brother. I realise that I need to talk to Caleb.
I find him in the library. However, he is not reading or researching as I would expect. He is sitting on the floor, his head in his hands, his body heaving with sobs. I stand awkwardly in front of him, waiting for him to realise my presence. After a minute or so, he does.
"I'll go," he murmurs, grabbing his wire-framed glasses from the floor and wiping his running nose with the sleeve of his jumper. I grab his collar and yank him up to face me. His lip quivers.
"You really think I'd come into a library if I wash't looking for you?" I grit my teeth and I release him.
"Tobias, I'm upset too!" He protests feebly.
"Upset?" I laugh, incredulous, "UPSET?"
His eyes twinkle, brimming with tears. I see her in him, and I lose it.
"SHE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD, THE ONLY PERSON I LOVED. YOU STOOD BY AS SHE WALKED TO HER DEATH, AND NOW YOU SAY YOU'RE 'UPSET'?"
"I am," Caleb whispers.
"No, no you're not. You're guilty. You're guilty that someone so innocent DIED for YOU. Scum," I spit at him and turn to leave, but he grabs my arm.
"She was my sister, and I did love her. I do love her. She forgave me, so please," he begs.
I lunge forward and shove him hard into the bookcase. He hits it with a thud and crumples to the floor. I walk out, hearing his heavy breaths behind me.