Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this story. . . IF YOU DON'T WANT RANDOMNESS DON'T READ!! Thank you.
Warning: A lot of bashing of all character's involved. We love them all, but there just so much fun to screw with.
JERRY SPRINGER. . . TORTALL STYLE!
"On our show today, our theme is 'I slept with everyone!' Our first guest today is Alanna of Olau and Trebond, and her lovers, Prince Jonathan of Tortall and George Cooper, the King of Thieves."
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd chanted from their seats as the spot light went to the stage where Jerry was standing with his mic.
"Alright today our first guest is Alanna of Olau and Trebond. Alanna, would you come out here please?"
Alanna came out smiling and waving to the crowd as they began chanting her name and a few of the men began yelling out their phone numbers.
Alanna takes out a notebook with a pencil and winks at the men, writing down their numbers.
"You, she points to one of the men in the front, Could you repeat that for me?"
"Eight six seven five three o nine."
"Thank you." She said giving him a once over before seating herself in one of the chairs on the stage.
"So, Alanna, would you like to explain how it is that you came to be involved with both Jon and George. I mean, it sounds rather provocative, one might say."
"Well, you must understand Jer. . . it's okay if I call you Jer, right. . . anyway. . .for the longest time when I was going through training to be a knight I couldn't act like a girl and then suddenly. . .POW!. . . both George and Jon knew I was a girl. . . to be frank it was really just too much of a temptation. . . besides. ..Jon and I were on a "break"."
"We were not on a BREAK!" screamed Jon as he mysteriously appeared from backstage, amidst cheers from the audience. One chick in particular threw her panties at him. Jon caught them and winked at her, "I'll meet up with you later!"
Alanna rolled her eyes and said, "That's another thing. . . while we were on that "break" I wasn't the only one nosing around." She glared at Jon saying pointedly, "I heard all about Josiane from George's spies when I was out in the desert, you ass!"
"That's all a lie!" Jon refuted, "Josiane and I were merely sharing teatime together!"
"Oh, really," said Alanna, "Jer, show him the tapes."
Jerry cued up the tapes of Jon and Josiane banging on the bathroom floor.
"It wasn't me," Jon said, meekly.
"You bitch!" Josiane. . . in ghost form. . . stormed out from back stage and tried. . . to slap Jon, but failed.
"Allow me." Alanna said graciously bowing to the ghost.
"Certainly." Said Josiane stepping aside before Alanna duck slapped Jon (yes I said Duck slapped. . .it's worse then Bitch slapping. . .we can assure you.)
"Ladies, ladies," Jerry said tentatively, "Let's just sit down and try to talk rationally." In his experience, Jerry knew this usually had the effect of provoking a brawl, barroom style. However, he was surprised when the ladies did not take the bait.
Jon got up, took a seat, and rubbed his scarlet cheek. "That hurt." He whined, "And since when are you guys friends? She killed your cat!" he said to Alanna, hoping to deflect her righteous anger from his beautiful face. No ugly king could ever rule Tortall. The people would not stand for it.
Alanna rolled her shoulder, "She's dead. What can I do to her now what I haven't already done. Besides, I've slept with you before. . .that's was punishment enough for her."
Josiane nodded before sitting next to Alanna.
"Why do you think Delia cheated on you with Roger?" a cup of tea appeared in Josiane and Alanna's hands.
"Thank you," said Alanna.
"Your welcome."
Jon's mouth was open wide. "Delia would NEVER do that!"
"Ahem, yes, I would and did," said Delia, appearing in chains and prison cell bright orange jumpsuit. "Oooh, Roger, man, that man knew how to handle a woman! Too bad you didn't like him, Allie."
"That's okay. . . I had George. . . he could handle a woman too. Isn't that right, Baby?"
George came swaggering onto the stage smirking and winking at Alanna as signs from the crowd rose saying, 'WE LOVE YOU GEORGE!'.
"Let's have a word from the audience. . .you sir. . .what would you like to say to our guests?" Jerry asked a man who eyes looked suspiciously like George's.
"George, my boy," the man sniffled, "You make me proud." Suddenly the blonde woman next to him smacked him up the side of his head.
"Thanks Grandpa Rosto!" George said with a big smile before sitting down next to Alanna.
"I must say, I've never been visited by so many undead." Jerry ambitiously wondered what this would do for his ratings.
"It's not over yet!" exclaimed Liam, appearing from the realms of the undead. "Alanna, fair one, come with your true love!"
George looked over at Alanna with shock and admiration, "You slept with him too. . . damn, girl. . . I have to say when you go for it. . . you find some interesting ones."
"We were on a break too at the time." Alanna said calmly sipping her tea.
"Well, it probably would have been nice if you had told me, but oh well. . .we got married right who cares now." Said George with a grin, slinging an arm over her shoulders.
Jon grumbled under his breath something about, "Yeah. . .only cause you knocked her up."
"What was that Jon?"asked an indignant Thayet coming onto the stage.
"Holy shit. . . I didn't remember inviting her." Said Jerry looking at the next arrival.
'We'll need a bigger stage' Jerry thought to himself.
Liam sulked in a corner, tapping his foot. "Umm, hullo, aren't we going to battle for our true love's hand?"
Thayet, knowing that Jon was lousy with a sword (he usually had stunt doubles for this) turned to her hubby and said, "Go get him, tiger!"
Jon, gullible as ever, pulled out a sword, but it wasn't really a sword. It was actually a herring.
Jerry went up and sat Jon down saying, "Whoah, down boy. No harming of animals on my show."
Thayet takes the herring with a sigh and turns to the camera. "Hello, this is Pincomb, he's a good little herring that needs a home, if you would like to adopt him please call this number: 555-5555. Remember this little guy when you go get yourself into sword fights. He needs you as much as you need him. Thank you."
"Anyway, let us start our battle!" Liam cried his battle cry and lunged at George. Suddenly, a beam of moonlight shone on Liam and he appeared as a skeleton.
"He is cursed by the Aztec chipmunks!" cried Alanna, Delia, and Josiane.
"But who would do such a thing?" asked a terrified Thayet.
"I would," said Roger, with a sword sticking out of his chest, blood dripping on the carpet.
"You're paying for the cleaning," said Jerry.
"Put it on my tab." Roger twitched his nose and a gigantic wheel appeared, mysteriously similar to the one from Pirates of the Caribbean 2. "Now you boys can get started with your duel."
George looked at all the men fighting for Alanna.
"Wait. . . did I miss something here. . . We're already married and so is Jon. . .and Liam's dead . . . what is the point of this?"
Jerry walked up to him and whispered, "Ratings. . . there always has to be an epic battle on my show."
"Oh well in that case. . ."George gets up and pulls out some knives. . ."Let's get to it boys. Stop procrastinating."
Alanna watched Jon, George, and Liam as they rolled by in their gigantic wheel and sipped her tea. Roger came over and sat by her.
"Sorry, I was such a bastard," he said, "but the truth is, I was jealous of you."
"Jealous of me, why?" Alanna was bewildered.
"Because all my life, all I ever wanted was to be a…transvestite!"
"And so you tried to kill me and nearly ruined my life?"
"I was deeply envious of the fact that you got away with crossdressing. When I attempted to attend a ball dressed in a gorgeous plum Versace gown, my uncle turned me away. He sent me to Carthak…and it all went down hill from there."
"Oh. . . want some tea?" she asked brandishing a cup from who knows where.
"Sure." He said taking the cup and sticking out his pinky as he sipped.
All of Alanna's suitors jump on the wheel and begin the fight with Jon screaming and jumping on Liam's back covering his eyes and pulling on his hair. George stabbed Liam with the poor herring that just conveniently appeared in his hands. Liam screamed and fell of the wheel with Jon still on his back.
George jumped off the wheel and made his way, while trying to regain his balance, towards Alanna. Unfortunately, he only made it to her feet before he blacked out.
Alanna gave an exasperated groan. She hefted him over her shoulder. A motorcycle came down from the ceiling. Alanna got on, secured George on, and revved up the engine. (Song in the background "My Boyfriend's Back")
Roger stepped over the unconscious Jon and Liam with Josiane and Delia on his arms saying, "Come on girls, let's go shopping."
Thayet sighed and picked up her husbands feet before dragging him back stage. Liam just disappeared with a loud audible "POOF!" with glitter and the smell of roses on the air.
Jerry turned to the camera, "Well that's it for today's show. Tomorrow we have 'My sister's a slut and my brother is shiny as gold' with our guests, Caramon and Raistlin Majere and Kitiara Uth Matar!"
Thom mysteriously appears and walks to center stage, "Alright ladies, who wants to go on a date with a dead guy?"
The crowd of women erupted into squeals of delight before stampeding on stage and carrying Thom backstage. (This was written so all the cool dead characters would make an appearance).
The old looney tunes screen pops up and Faithful appears in the circle instead of Porky. "Th-th-that's all folks!"
Author Note: If you want to read our DragonLance Jerry Springer show go to that category in books and look it up. Please review our randomness and tell us what you think. . . but mind you we want constructive criticism. . . if you just want to be nasty then don't read. Anyway. . .bye!.