If this looks familiar to you -- it should. I'm moving many of my one-shots to this account.

Always a Step Behind

So here we go again. The same old bull I've gone through my whole life. It's like---like nobody wants me on top. Like this whole world's number one concern is keeping me from being something great. I must be the (what was the term Peter used the other day? Oh, yeah) the scapegoat of New York City. It's like, "I need to make myself feel better---I think I'll keep some petty secret from Harry." All my life, I've been the guy one step behind. Always a step behind. I have to live up to my dad, and everyone knows I'm not half as smart or talented as he was. I have to be as smart as Peter, just so Dad might've noticed that I wasn't a complete failure. That's all everybody thinks. I'm just one big failure; one big disappointment.

Well, Mom never thought I was a failure. When I was with her, I was okay. I didn't have to be the smartest, or the most talented, or the best. I was good enough for her. It took me until after she was gone to realize that she was a relief for me. She died when I was seven and a half. Car accident or something, I don't know. It's not like anyone ever told me. No one ever thought I might want to know what happened to my own mother. Dad didn't think I could understand. He never thought I could understand anything. I may not be as brilliant as he was, but I'm not stupid. Well, I guess I am stupid, but not because I don't want to know. I'm stupid because no one ever wants to tell me.

Like Peter. He's the big hot-shot photographer---the guy who snaps pictures of Spiderman. Jeeze, you know, that makes me stop and think. Why is it that I can own a multi-million-dollar company, and he just delivers pizzas or something, and he can still be somebody's spotlight, you know? His aunt thinks he's a saint and MJ! MJ thinks he's God's gift to the universe. He's just a nerd. He's my friend and all, but, I mean---why did I have to spend all my grade school and high school years trying to prove myself, and everything come so easy to him? And even if it hadn't, his aunt and uncle still would've thought he was a great kid. I mean, he got picked on and all at school, but---but at least after all that, he could come home and be appreciated. I got just as much crap as he did, and did I get any relief when I got home? No, I still wasn't good enough. I was still all looks and no brain. Just because I don't find anything fascinating about Newton's Third Law doesn't mean I don't have feelings, or a brain. Well, maybe I'm not that bright, but I have a heart. Dad never cared who got in his way.

But Pete---Pete had a brain and a heart. Jeeze, now all we need is a cowardly lion and Toto and we're all set. But what is the deal with Peter? What is his big thing about hiding Spiderman from me? Does he get off on it, or what? Well, when the only girl he'll ever look at is Mary Jane, I suppose he has to get off on something. Go figure---it's at my expense, again. I really wanted to make her happy---Mary Jane. I wanted to be able to prove to somebody that I was good enough---maybe that I was even too good. I wanted her to feel lucky that she had me. All my life I've been the disappointment. I'd give my right arm for somebody to look at me and wonder how in the hell they'd gotten someone as great as I am. I've never known that feeling in my entire life. I've never been the guy on top of the game---the guy everyone wants to be. I've always been the guy standing in the shadow of the guy on top of the game. I've always been "Norman's son."

I think I need a drink. Need, need, need. Dad always thought I was just one big needy baby. He thought I needed him. Yeah, well, I put his company back together. It was because of him that they were gonna sell it out. He never told me that. I had to go through files to find that one out. Another secret; another "don't tell Harry." What should I care---I was only trying to make him happy. He was my father---why should I be concerned about his well-being? Maybe that's it. Maybe they just don't think I care. Or maybe I'm just too many steps behind the VIP to be considered important enough to be told anything.

I'm successful, damnit! Then why aren't I happy? Why in the hell am I not happy? I don't get it. How can people like the Parkers, who are just barely getting along, be so happy and content all the time, when I always feel like complete crap? Peter's too scared to make a move on the only girl he wants, so it's not like he's got some romance to make him happy. Like romance ever made anybody happy. I mean, even if you love the person, there's still no garauntee that you'll be happy with them. Like Mom and Dad. Mom loved Dad, and he treated her like she was just another shiny trophy in his mile-long glass case. I could've killed him when he implied that she was a gold-digger. Mom loved him. I know she loved him. And maybe. . . .maybe he loved her, too. Just in a different way. Maybe he loved me in a different way than what most people think is normal. Maybe, when it seemed like all he was doing was pushing me to the edge, he was really just trying to make me a better person in the end.

I'm not half as smart as he was. I'll never be as smart as he was. He was a good father. He was the way he was because he cared. I own the company now, right? And I'm digging it out of the rubble it was left in. Peter Parker couldn't have done that. I would love to see Peter Parker try and do what I've done. I'm not a failure, not a disappointment. I've got a lot going for me. And. . . there will be other girls. It's not like MJ's the only one out there. What do I have to prove, right?

Right. Like I've got absolutely nothing to live up to. You know, this gin is really clearing things up for me. I could just go on like Pete, not giving a damn about anything and assuming I'm just fine. That doesn't get anyone anywhere. I've got to be the best. I've got be on top. I've got to catch up to the guy at the front and pass him. I've got to be a step ahead. I've got to make it in this world. They can't keep me a step behind. Not Dad, not MJ, not Peter---not Peter. I've got a right to first class. I've got a right to prove everyone wrong. That I'm not the disappointment. That I'm not the failure. That I'm not all looks and no brains. That I'm not always a step behind.