DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters that appear in this fic… I don't really own anything about this fic except the ideas in it and the fact that I wrote it. The lyrics are copyrighted to someone… Don't know who, but the point is, they're not mine. Um… Slash! Not heavy slash, but still enough to put a disclaimer on. And I warn you, the rating WILL become NC-17 soon enough.
DEDICATION: Most my inspiration came through these song lyrics, strangely enough. I also just now read "Wicked Game" by JayKay and was moved to write my own Snape/Lupin. Also, to Ginga, for giving me a reason to write.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The basics: Takes place during the summer after PoA. Not that this matters very much, I just thought I'd give you some timeline. And, I'm sorry to say, that Snape and Lupin DO have a history together in this fic. I know, it's overdone. But there will be no mating for life or any other such werewolf mating rituals included! Brilliant idea the first couple of times around, now it's just tiring. Um… That's about it.
****
"Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain."
- Melodies of Life, Final Fantasy IX
****
Remus Lupin had never experienced a dream so vivid before, so wonderfully, and at the same time, terribly real. The images surfaced so effortlessly after so many years, as if some unseen hand ground them out of some immense machine. All of his dreams lately had been similar, recounting his school days, probably because of seeing all of these familiar faces. Each one could spark some cherished memory inside of him as well as erupt into a blinding vision of things gone wrong. Every one he had ever loved was a double-edged sword, one that accompanied every gentle touch with a startling blow. If given a choice, Lupin would've given anything to release the ability to dream and just sleep in utter and blessed nothingness. A good night's sleep was becoming harder and harder to achieve. These dreams were a plague and one of biblical proportions.
His dream had immersed him a world of colors beyond black that seemed to surround and comfort the werewolf like nothing else could. The deep richness of dark held him close, enveloping him totally and leaving no room to breathe, no room to doubt. Shadows played upon the features of his fantastical lover, the embodiment of night itself. His rich scent filled Lupin's delicate senses to the point where the smell of thyme and wet asphalt exuded from his very soul. And everything was so familiar, yet lost, to the werewolf. For he knew that every dream had a message, and he had learned that a werewolf's reveries were much simpler than any human's. Simple to the point of being comforting and childish, loved-ones were personified by a color, a hue that belonged to them and only them. A rainbow so detailed with more shades imaginable was what Lupin saw as the world and all of its inhabitants. And black was just too easy to interpret.
"Severus…" Remus' dream-self whispered, afraid that if the name was spoken any louder his shadowy devotee would burst into the light of dawn, awakening Lupin from this inescapable vision. He wished that this feeling could last till his final breath, when the bliss finally killed him. To be held so close by someone he had no right to pine for was something that conjured base emotions that could block out any unhappiness. This was heaven, this was perfect, this was what it felt like to ride on the back of the wind and know no fear. Those memorable arms molded to his body were exhilarating and would find no equal, not even in his dreams. But memories were nothing to live by, Lupin knew well enough that they could sustain you for long enough to realize that, in your absence from the present, your misery had doubled and tripled. And then memories were even out of reach and all you had to cling to were dreams.
****
And that dream had ended too quickly, leaving Remus fully awake and longing for night to encompass him once more. The dreams weren't the problem, it was the feeling that ripped away at Lupin afterwards that made him want to sink into an oblivious slumber. That and the knowledge that his Severus would dwell only in his hallucinations and never in his arms.
Drawing in a sharp breath and them expelling it in a hopeless sigh, Remus shook his head and stood wearily and surveyed his quarters. Dumbledore had promised him a home until the ex-professor could find a decent home, or until summer ended. He couldn't risk having a werewolf living among the students, not when the Daily Prophet had posted that appalling article and Severus had… Not that that mattered anyway, Remus would have had to leave the school eventually. He could never stay in one place for too long, unless it was in the Muggle world. Even there, people still viewed him as different, but at least not different enough to exile. But there was no use thinking about that now, it was time to get dressed and join the other faculty members for breakfast. Well, at least the ones that stayed for the summer. In actuality, not many did. Dumbledore, of course, as he viewed Hogwarts as a sentient being that constantly needed love and care. Filch did also, it was his job afterall, as did Minerva, Poppy, Hagrid and Severus. Their assorted reasons were beyond Lupin's understanding, though he suspected that Severus stayed for his work. Having only seen the inside of Snape's office once he did not have a firm grasp of what he kept down there, only that he had never seen such an extensive collection of ingredients, as well as assorted potions. And what he did with all of them was a mystery to everyone, though some had theories, and almost all of them were severely misguided. Hadn't Harry even suggested that Severus had been trying to poison him with the Wolfsbane Potion?
Lupin could hardly blame anyone for jumping to conclusions around Severus. Afterall, that was how he liked it. He liked being able to make a student jump with just the clearing of his throat, to see them squirm with a simple change of stance. His teaching methods were a little unorthodox, but they worked well when the student actually built up enough courage to keep their hands from shaking. And the man was brilliant. Beyond brilliant, Lupin corrected, too brilliant to let one night stand between them, one horrible night that had taken place over twenty years prior. But there was precious little he could do about that, other than run all the possible 'what if' stories through his head. What if the prank hadn't been played? What if he had never found out? What if he had accepted him? That was the one that hurt him the most. That someone so mistreated, so incredibly different from everyone else hadn't even had the understanding to accept him. Lupin hadn't even been able to attempt to sway Severus' judgment that year, and now the prospect of being accepted by him was long since dead. For the years had only been crueler to Severus Snape, turning him from a cold, abused boy to an impenetrable and uncaring man. Any hope Remus had ever sheltered about rekindling their relationship had been doused out by time and the hateful look in Snape's eyes.
But the eyes in his fantasies and memories had been nothing like that. They had been private, showing emotion only to an elite few, Remus Lupin having been one of them. How expressive they were, even when his young face had been twisted into a angry scowl. Coal had never looked promising until embedded in Severus' eyes. Obsidian had never before gleamed with love until they were gleaming out at him. Suddenly Lupin pulled himself out of reverie when he realized that he was still standing beside his bed, half-dressed and starving. Perhaps at breakfast he could steal a glance at those eyes, however frosty, and be filled with a little warmth.
****
Settling himself beside Minerva, Lupin heaved a sigh when he noticed that Severus was not present at the table. He hadn't been coming to meals lately and it seemed as though skin and bones would simply become bone. Worrying about the potions master wasn't something he felt he had the right to do, but someone had to. Remus picked at his eggs for a few minutes, having lost his rampaging appetite rather abruptly by the prospect of Snape's health becoming even worse. He had probably lost himself to his work ethic once more and was throwing ingredients into an enormous cauldron that smelled like someone had drudged it up from the lake bottom. At this rate there probably wouldn't be much left of Severus at the start of the semester.
As if reading his thoughts, Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked cheerfully over at Lupin. "Ah, Remus, I see that you too have noted Severus' absence! If you would be so kind as to drag him up from the dungeons and grace us with his company? He hasn't been to many meals lately, I fear for his health. And if, as it may well be, that is entirely impossible, have one of the house elves bring him down something. I hope this isn't too much of a bother, is it?"
"No, Professor, I'd be glad to," Lupin answered, his tone somewhat dreadful. True, he had wanted to see him at breakfast, but a one-on-one encounter with him hadn't been what Remus had bargained for. Besides, the man hated him enough to tell the entire school of his affliction, what made Albus think he could convince him to come up to breakfast? This was hopeless.
His dogged steps mirroring his disposition, the werewolf stared in trepidation at the hardwood door before him. There was no doubt in his mind that this was where Severus was, having learned the pleasant way that he was not one to sleep in. But, this was nothing personal, he had nothing to be frightened of, this was a favor that Dumbledore had requested and he would fulfill it. And there was no real reason he should be afraid, except the coldness that emanated from Snape every time Lupin was in his general vicinity. It was a rather painful reminder that, while his flame of hope had been burnt out, so had any tolerance Severus ever had for him.
Knocking cautiously on the door, Lupin's heart sank as he heard loud, no, make that enraged, footsteps heading towards the door. Even though he braced himself, the werewolf was still a little surprised when the door flew open and there stood a livid Severus Snape. Breathing audibly, the man's black eyes narrowed to slits while he regarded Lupin. He looked frustrated to an extreme, the state his usually limp hair was in suggested that he had been clutching at it. His experiment had not gone well. Lupin was sure that he made no noise for a few moments succeeding Snape's dramatic greeting and jumped when Severus yelled at him. "Well?!" He demanded loudly, crossing his arms, probably to keep from strangling the life out of Remus. Yes, this was definitely Severus frustrated and it would probably be the safest course of action to simply leave.
"What do you want, Lupin? Excuse me if I have… little patience as of now," The potions master spat through clenched teeth, raking back his unruly hair with long, spindly fingers. Remus nodded, feeling quite childish before the furious professor, but vowing to complete his task. "Albus requested that you come up to breakfast. I… He was worried about your current state of fatigue. You don't seem to be sleeping or eating. No one's seen you come out of the dungeon for days. Everyone is… worried…." In no way had Lupin meant for all of that to come spilling out, but it had and now Severus regarded him with an arched eyebrow and a tight-lipped scowl.
"I'm quite sure not everyone is worried. And I assure you I am quite busy, so I would prefer it if you would be on your way." The words were clipped, harsh to Lupin's ears and he found himself interjecting himself between Snape and his workroom faster than he thought possible. The black eyed man simply glared down his long nose at Remus, the anger in his eyes escalating to a new level. "I do not believe I invited you in," Severus hissed.
"You didn't. But… If you don't go up, I'm to send some house elves down. I'll give them instructions to watch that you actually eat. You need to, Severus."
Ignoring the sincerity in the ex-professor's eyes, Snape's expression became even more dangerous as his lips curled into a cruel smirk. "They have no reason to listen to you. You are no longer an instructor at this school. And the command of a professor ranks over a monster's, if I am correct. Good day." Sweeping past Remus quite easily, as the man was too stunned to apply ant resistance, Severus bent over his work bench and began to slave away, looking up briefly a few moments later when the werewolf mumbled something beneath his breath. "Unless that was something you intended me to hear, it would be in your best interest to leave me be."
"Albus requested it. And the command of a headmaster ranks over a professor's, if I am correct," Lupin remarked spitefully, he voice horribly devoid of any feeling. The coldness was enough, he didn't need any verbal proof that he was still hated on top of that.
"Fine. Send them down. But get out of my sight, I've no reason to be cordial to you any longer."
Remus was only happy to oblige him, dejectedly closing the door behind him. There was no hope. There never was. Now there was only that stinging reminder that there never will be, there will only be spite and anger and bitterness. He tried to tell himself that Severus Snape wasn't worth loving, but he knew that he could never swallow his own lie. He had always been worth loving, even now, even after time sculpted some vindictive wraith of his glorious innocent. Lupin knew that he hadn't always been like this, knew that when he was loved he could be tender and affectionate, albeit grudgingly and in his own way, but at least it was there. Time had beaten Severus, had made him bend to its will so that all Snape had was now. He could never again be a creature of nostalgia like Remus. No, for Snape, there was only today. And today he hated Lupin. But yesterday, yesterday there had been love.
And yesterday was enough for him, enough to keep him inhaling and exhaling through the malicious comments, through the cutting pain that today had in store for him. But what worried Remus the most was that would it be enough to keep him breathing tomorrow? What if all he had tomorrow were the memories of today? If yesterday was ever laid to rest, would he be as well? He needed to make new memories, to have happiness now, to be physically contented or else tomorrow would be even worse than today. He needed Severus.
If only I weren't so damn loyal, the werewolf mused, disgusted with himself. He could blame the wolf. The wolf had that burning sense of loyalty to the pack, that emptiness without it. But he knew that wasn't it. He had to blame the only one responsible, the man, Remus Lupin, who was pining over his lost love, his lost youth. They were, essentially, one and the same. He had never known love later on in life, he felt as though his capacity to love had imploded upon itself. Still, Lupin could try. There must be some way, some way to make yesterday's memories seem insubstantial compared to today's.
****
Later on in the day, Remus closed the book he had been engulfed in for the past three or so hours and bit down on his lower lip. He didn't want to be alone right now, he needed someone to make idle banter with him to keep his thoughts off of the past. Wishing that Sirius wasn't on hiatus at the moment with all of his being, Lupin scooped his quills and parchment into his satchel and concluded to retire to the teacher's lounge. Surely someone would be there that he could talk to. The lounge also had the added bonus of being the last place Severus would be at the moment, considering his current state. Sighing, the werewolf walked swiftly through the halls, glancing around at the paintings and casually greeting the ones that addressed him. It seemed like an eternity to the lounge, and when his hand was a hairsbreadth from the handle, he heard a familiar voice behind him. But what in God's Name would that boy be doing here?
"I always knew that dogs were loyal, but isn't a little ridiculous to hand around where you aren't wanted?" The metallic, snickering voice questioned, amused with his "witty" little remark. Remus turned very slowly to regard Draco Malfoy with a weary eye before the boy decided that the ex-professor would give him no fuel to tease him and retreated down the hallway. Lupin pitied the boy, to be molded into his Father's image at such a young age, it really wasn't his fault. But every House needs a poster-child…
Sighing with relief when he spied Madame Pomfrey crocheting in the far corner of the lounge, he smiled and approached her. She seemed rather pleasantly surprised with his entrance and set her needlework off to the side. "Ooh, I was hoping I'd find some company down here. The infirmary seems so empty. But I'm sure that's something to be glad about," She let out a small giggle and grinned at Lupin. "What brings you here?"
"I was hoping for some company as well," Remus answered politely, returning Poppy's smile. Remembering the chance encounter seconds before, the golden eyed man turned and pointed at the door. "Young Mr. Malfoy-" But Madame Pomfrey interrupted him without warning, scowling mildly, "Accosted you too, hmmm? Well, he can fix himself next time he falls from his broom."
"But what is he doing here?"
"His father's here on business. Hmmph. Business. That's a laugh, more like pleasure," The mediwitch scoffed, summoning a warm cup of tea for both of them. Lupin nodded graciously, just a little confused. "Pleasure, Poppy? What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm not one to gossip, but for someone here on business, he does very little talking with Dumbledore and quite a bit of *talking* with Mr. Snape…"
Remus could feel his brow furrow, and he knew the look he must be giving her, but neither of those could defer him from hearing more. "You mean they're… They're lovers?"
The small woman shrugged, taking a sip of her tea and wetting her lips, "I wouldn't use that term. I suppose it's more of a mutual agreement. But every so often Lucius will come up, state that it's on business and Dumbledore gives him a room. But what I don't understand is why he lets it continue. Surely Dumbledore must know what's going on? Oh well, none of my business."
Stroking his chin, having completely forgotten his cup of tea, Remus inhaled deeply. This was quite a bit to think about. He had always believed that Snape had completely given up on love, but he still seemed to dabble in the area of the physical aspect of it. With Lucius Malfoy of all people. Lucius Malfoy had what he wanted, well, on second thought, he didn't have what he wanted, but he had the closest thing to it. Lupin's infatuation with Severus was primarily emotional, lust having not been factored in. Severus was many things, but none of them were 'ruggedly handsome,' or 'beautiful.' He was mysterious and alluring in an erotic sense, but nothing that anyone would consider knee-jellying. But, Lupin wouldn't turn down sex with him, not by a long-shot. At least it would be something…
And that's when it hit Lupin. Lucius Malfoy had what he needed, and now he knew how to make it his. Turning rapidly to stare at Poppy with a new found determination in his tawny eyes, Remus grabbed her hands in his, almost pleadingly. "How often does Lucius usually stay?"
Slightly taken aback, Madame Pomfrey struggled with her words for a few moments, "Uhh… I… I would say no more than three days."
"And how often does he come?"
"Um… Maybe once a month, maybe every three weeks… Why?" The mediwitch mumbled, thoroughly startled at Lupin's sudden flare of zeal.
"Just curious! Thank you!" Dropping her hands rather quickly, Remus hurried out the door and back to the library. He felt giddy, excited. There was hope! He had found something, and wasn't about to let go of it now.
TBC…?
****
END NOTE: It's longer than I thought it would be. Not many of my fics are very well received, so I'm not sure how much I'll write for myself. But I'm pretty sure they'll at least be another chapter.
DEDICATION: Most my inspiration came through these song lyrics, strangely enough. I also just now read "Wicked Game" by JayKay and was moved to write my own Snape/Lupin. Also, to Ginga, for giving me a reason to write.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The basics: Takes place during the summer after PoA. Not that this matters very much, I just thought I'd give you some timeline. And, I'm sorry to say, that Snape and Lupin DO have a history together in this fic. I know, it's overdone. But there will be no mating for life or any other such werewolf mating rituals included! Brilliant idea the first couple of times around, now it's just tiring. Um… That's about it.
****
"Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain."
- Melodies of Life, Final Fantasy IX
****
Remus Lupin had never experienced a dream so vivid before, so wonderfully, and at the same time, terribly real. The images surfaced so effortlessly after so many years, as if some unseen hand ground them out of some immense machine. All of his dreams lately had been similar, recounting his school days, probably because of seeing all of these familiar faces. Each one could spark some cherished memory inside of him as well as erupt into a blinding vision of things gone wrong. Every one he had ever loved was a double-edged sword, one that accompanied every gentle touch with a startling blow. If given a choice, Lupin would've given anything to release the ability to dream and just sleep in utter and blessed nothingness. A good night's sleep was becoming harder and harder to achieve. These dreams were a plague and one of biblical proportions.
His dream had immersed him a world of colors beyond black that seemed to surround and comfort the werewolf like nothing else could. The deep richness of dark held him close, enveloping him totally and leaving no room to breathe, no room to doubt. Shadows played upon the features of his fantastical lover, the embodiment of night itself. His rich scent filled Lupin's delicate senses to the point where the smell of thyme and wet asphalt exuded from his very soul. And everything was so familiar, yet lost, to the werewolf. For he knew that every dream had a message, and he had learned that a werewolf's reveries were much simpler than any human's. Simple to the point of being comforting and childish, loved-ones were personified by a color, a hue that belonged to them and only them. A rainbow so detailed with more shades imaginable was what Lupin saw as the world and all of its inhabitants. And black was just too easy to interpret.
"Severus…" Remus' dream-self whispered, afraid that if the name was spoken any louder his shadowy devotee would burst into the light of dawn, awakening Lupin from this inescapable vision. He wished that this feeling could last till his final breath, when the bliss finally killed him. To be held so close by someone he had no right to pine for was something that conjured base emotions that could block out any unhappiness. This was heaven, this was perfect, this was what it felt like to ride on the back of the wind and know no fear. Those memorable arms molded to his body were exhilarating and would find no equal, not even in his dreams. But memories were nothing to live by, Lupin knew well enough that they could sustain you for long enough to realize that, in your absence from the present, your misery had doubled and tripled. And then memories were even out of reach and all you had to cling to were dreams.
****
And that dream had ended too quickly, leaving Remus fully awake and longing for night to encompass him once more. The dreams weren't the problem, it was the feeling that ripped away at Lupin afterwards that made him want to sink into an oblivious slumber. That and the knowledge that his Severus would dwell only in his hallucinations and never in his arms.
Drawing in a sharp breath and them expelling it in a hopeless sigh, Remus shook his head and stood wearily and surveyed his quarters. Dumbledore had promised him a home until the ex-professor could find a decent home, or until summer ended. He couldn't risk having a werewolf living among the students, not when the Daily Prophet had posted that appalling article and Severus had… Not that that mattered anyway, Remus would have had to leave the school eventually. He could never stay in one place for too long, unless it was in the Muggle world. Even there, people still viewed him as different, but at least not different enough to exile. But there was no use thinking about that now, it was time to get dressed and join the other faculty members for breakfast. Well, at least the ones that stayed for the summer. In actuality, not many did. Dumbledore, of course, as he viewed Hogwarts as a sentient being that constantly needed love and care. Filch did also, it was his job afterall, as did Minerva, Poppy, Hagrid and Severus. Their assorted reasons were beyond Lupin's understanding, though he suspected that Severus stayed for his work. Having only seen the inside of Snape's office once he did not have a firm grasp of what he kept down there, only that he had never seen such an extensive collection of ingredients, as well as assorted potions. And what he did with all of them was a mystery to everyone, though some had theories, and almost all of them were severely misguided. Hadn't Harry even suggested that Severus had been trying to poison him with the Wolfsbane Potion?
Lupin could hardly blame anyone for jumping to conclusions around Severus. Afterall, that was how he liked it. He liked being able to make a student jump with just the clearing of his throat, to see them squirm with a simple change of stance. His teaching methods were a little unorthodox, but they worked well when the student actually built up enough courage to keep their hands from shaking. And the man was brilliant. Beyond brilliant, Lupin corrected, too brilliant to let one night stand between them, one horrible night that had taken place over twenty years prior. But there was precious little he could do about that, other than run all the possible 'what if' stories through his head. What if the prank hadn't been played? What if he had never found out? What if he had accepted him? That was the one that hurt him the most. That someone so mistreated, so incredibly different from everyone else hadn't even had the understanding to accept him. Lupin hadn't even been able to attempt to sway Severus' judgment that year, and now the prospect of being accepted by him was long since dead. For the years had only been crueler to Severus Snape, turning him from a cold, abused boy to an impenetrable and uncaring man. Any hope Remus had ever sheltered about rekindling their relationship had been doused out by time and the hateful look in Snape's eyes.
But the eyes in his fantasies and memories had been nothing like that. They had been private, showing emotion only to an elite few, Remus Lupin having been one of them. How expressive they were, even when his young face had been twisted into a angry scowl. Coal had never looked promising until embedded in Severus' eyes. Obsidian had never before gleamed with love until they were gleaming out at him. Suddenly Lupin pulled himself out of reverie when he realized that he was still standing beside his bed, half-dressed and starving. Perhaps at breakfast he could steal a glance at those eyes, however frosty, and be filled with a little warmth.
****
Settling himself beside Minerva, Lupin heaved a sigh when he noticed that Severus was not present at the table. He hadn't been coming to meals lately and it seemed as though skin and bones would simply become bone. Worrying about the potions master wasn't something he felt he had the right to do, but someone had to. Remus picked at his eggs for a few minutes, having lost his rampaging appetite rather abruptly by the prospect of Snape's health becoming even worse. He had probably lost himself to his work ethic once more and was throwing ingredients into an enormous cauldron that smelled like someone had drudged it up from the lake bottom. At this rate there probably wouldn't be much left of Severus at the start of the semester.
As if reading his thoughts, Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked cheerfully over at Lupin. "Ah, Remus, I see that you too have noted Severus' absence! If you would be so kind as to drag him up from the dungeons and grace us with his company? He hasn't been to many meals lately, I fear for his health. And if, as it may well be, that is entirely impossible, have one of the house elves bring him down something. I hope this isn't too much of a bother, is it?"
"No, Professor, I'd be glad to," Lupin answered, his tone somewhat dreadful. True, he had wanted to see him at breakfast, but a one-on-one encounter with him hadn't been what Remus had bargained for. Besides, the man hated him enough to tell the entire school of his affliction, what made Albus think he could convince him to come up to breakfast? This was hopeless.
His dogged steps mirroring his disposition, the werewolf stared in trepidation at the hardwood door before him. There was no doubt in his mind that this was where Severus was, having learned the pleasant way that he was not one to sleep in. But, this was nothing personal, he had nothing to be frightened of, this was a favor that Dumbledore had requested and he would fulfill it. And there was no real reason he should be afraid, except the coldness that emanated from Snape every time Lupin was in his general vicinity. It was a rather painful reminder that, while his flame of hope had been burnt out, so had any tolerance Severus ever had for him.
Knocking cautiously on the door, Lupin's heart sank as he heard loud, no, make that enraged, footsteps heading towards the door. Even though he braced himself, the werewolf was still a little surprised when the door flew open and there stood a livid Severus Snape. Breathing audibly, the man's black eyes narrowed to slits while he regarded Lupin. He looked frustrated to an extreme, the state his usually limp hair was in suggested that he had been clutching at it. His experiment had not gone well. Lupin was sure that he made no noise for a few moments succeeding Snape's dramatic greeting and jumped when Severus yelled at him. "Well?!" He demanded loudly, crossing his arms, probably to keep from strangling the life out of Remus. Yes, this was definitely Severus frustrated and it would probably be the safest course of action to simply leave.
"What do you want, Lupin? Excuse me if I have… little patience as of now," The potions master spat through clenched teeth, raking back his unruly hair with long, spindly fingers. Remus nodded, feeling quite childish before the furious professor, but vowing to complete his task. "Albus requested that you come up to breakfast. I… He was worried about your current state of fatigue. You don't seem to be sleeping or eating. No one's seen you come out of the dungeon for days. Everyone is… worried…." In no way had Lupin meant for all of that to come spilling out, but it had and now Severus regarded him with an arched eyebrow and a tight-lipped scowl.
"I'm quite sure not everyone is worried. And I assure you I am quite busy, so I would prefer it if you would be on your way." The words were clipped, harsh to Lupin's ears and he found himself interjecting himself between Snape and his workroom faster than he thought possible. The black eyed man simply glared down his long nose at Remus, the anger in his eyes escalating to a new level. "I do not believe I invited you in," Severus hissed.
"You didn't. But… If you don't go up, I'm to send some house elves down. I'll give them instructions to watch that you actually eat. You need to, Severus."
Ignoring the sincerity in the ex-professor's eyes, Snape's expression became even more dangerous as his lips curled into a cruel smirk. "They have no reason to listen to you. You are no longer an instructor at this school. And the command of a professor ranks over a monster's, if I am correct. Good day." Sweeping past Remus quite easily, as the man was too stunned to apply ant resistance, Severus bent over his work bench and began to slave away, looking up briefly a few moments later when the werewolf mumbled something beneath his breath. "Unless that was something you intended me to hear, it would be in your best interest to leave me be."
"Albus requested it. And the command of a headmaster ranks over a professor's, if I am correct," Lupin remarked spitefully, he voice horribly devoid of any feeling. The coldness was enough, he didn't need any verbal proof that he was still hated on top of that.
"Fine. Send them down. But get out of my sight, I've no reason to be cordial to you any longer."
Remus was only happy to oblige him, dejectedly closing the door behind him. There was no hope. There never was. Now there was only that stinging reminder that there never will be, there will only be spite and anger and bitterness. He tried to tell himself that Severus Snape wasn't worth loving, but he knew that he could never swallow his own lie. He had always been worth loving, even now, even after time sculpted some vindictive wraith of his glorious innocent. Lupin knew that he hadn't always been like this, knew that when he was loved he could be tender and affectionate, albeit grudgingly and in his own way, but at least it was there. Time had beaten Severus, had made him bend to its will so that all Snape had was now. He could never again be a creature of nostalgia like Remus. No, for Snape, there was only today. And today he hated Lupin. But yesterday, yesterday there had been love.
And yesterday was enough for him, enough to keep him inhaling and exhaling through the malicious comments, through the cutting pain that today had in store for him. But what worried Remus the most was that would it be enough to keep him breathing tomorrow? What if all he had tomorrow were the memories of today? If yesterday was ever laid to rest, would he be as well? He needed to make new memories, to have happiness now, to be physically contented or else tomorrow would be even worse than today. He needed Severus.
If only I weren't so damn loyal, the werewolf mused, disgusted with himself. He could blame the wolf. The wolf had that burning sense of loyalty to the pack, that emptiness without it. But he knew that wasn't it. He had to blame the only one responsible, the man, Remus Lupin, who was pining over his lost love, his lost youth. They were, essentially, one and the same. He had never known love later on in life, he felt as though his capacity to love had imploded upon itself. Still, Lupin could try. There must be some way, some way to make yesterday's memories seem insubstantial compared to today's.
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Later on in the day, Remus closed the book he had been engulfed in for the past three or so hours and bit down on his lower lip. He didn't want to be alone right now, he needed someone to make idle banter with him to keep his thoughts off of the past. Wishing that Sirius wasn't on hiatus at the moment with all of his being, Lupin scooped his quills and parchment into his satchel and concluded to retire to the teacher's lounge. Surely someone would be there that he could talk to. The lounge also had the added bonus of being the last place Severus would be at the moment, considering his current state. Sighing, the werewolf walked swiftly through the halls, glancing around at the paintings and casually greeting the ones that addressed him. It seemed like an eternity to the lounge, and when his hand was a hairsbreadth from the handle, he heard a familiar voice behind him. But what in God's Name would that boy be doing here?
"I always knew that dogs were loyal, but isn't a little ridiculous to hand around where you aren't wanted?" The metallic, snickering voice questioned, amused with his "witty" little remark. Remus turned very slowly to regard Draco Malfoy with a weary eye before the boy decided that the ex-professor would give him no fuel to tease him and retreated down the hallway. Lupin pitied the boy, to be molded into his Father's image at such a young age, it really wasn't his fault. But every House needs a poster-child…
Sighing with relief when he spied Madame Pomfrey crocheting in the far corner of the lounge, he smiled and approached her. She seemed rather pleasantly surprised with his entrance and set her needlework off to the side. "Ooh, I was hoping I'd find some company down here. The infirmary seems so empty. But I'm sure that's something to be glad about," She let out a small giggle and grinned at Lupin. "What brings you here?"
"I was hoping for some company as well," Remus answered politely, returning Poppy's smile. Remembering the chance encounter seconds before, the golden eyed man turned and pointed at the door. "Young Mr. Malfoy-" But Madame Pomfrey interrupted him without warning, scowling mildly, "Accosted you too, hmmm? Well, he can fix himself next time he falls from his broom."
"But what is he doing here?"
"His father's here on business. Hmmph. Business. That's a laugh, more like pleasure," The mediwitch scoffed, summoning a warm cup of tea for both of them. Lupin nodded graciously, just a little confused. "Pleasure, Poppy? What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm not one to gossip, but for someone here on business, he does very little talking with Dumbledore and quite a bit of *talking* with Mr. Snape…"
Remus could feel his brow furrow, and he knew the look he must be giving her, but neither of those could defer him from hearing more. "You mean they're… They're lovers?"
The small woman shrugged, taking a sip of her tea and wetting her lips, "I wouldn't use that term. I suppose it's more of a mutual agreement. But every so often Lucius will come up, state that it's on business and Dumbledore gives him a room. But what I don't understand is why he lets it continue. Surely Dumbledore must know what's going on? Oh well, none of my business."
Stroking his chin, having completely forgotten his cup of tea, Remus inhaled deeply. This was quite a bit to think about. He had always believed that Snape had completely given up on love, but he still seemed to dabble in the area of the physical aspect of it. With Lucius Malfoy of all people. Lucius Malfoy had what he wanted, well, on second thought, he didn't have what he wanted, but he had the closest thing to it. Lupin's infatuation with Severus was primarily emotional, lust having not been factored in. Severus was many things, but none of them were 'ruggedly handsome,' or 'beautiful.' He was mysterious and alluring in an erotic sense, but nothing that anyone would consider knee-jellying. But, Lupin wouldn't turn down sex with him, not by a long-shot. At least it would be something…
And that's when it hit Lupin. Lucius Malfoy had what he needed, and now he knew how to make it his. Turning rapidly to stare at Poppy with a new found determination in his tawny eyes, Remus grabbed her hands in his, almost pleadingly. "How often does Lucius usually stay?"
Slightly taken aback, Madame Pomfrey struggled with her words for a few moments, "Uhh… I… I would say no more than three days."
"And how often does he come?"
"Um… Maybe once a month, maybe every three weeks… Why?" The mediwitch mumbled, thoroughly startled at Lupin's sudden flare of zeal.
"Just curious! Thank you!" Dropping her hands rather quickly, Remus hurried out the door and back to the library. He felt giddy, excited. There was hope! He had found something, and wasn't about to let go of it now.
TBC…?
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END NOTE: It's longer than I thought it would be. Not many of my fics are very well received, so I'm not sure how much I'll write for myself. But I'm pretty sure they'll at least be another chapter.