Chandra the Unlikely.
My name is Chandra, I know, my name is totally lame and I've tried Chand, and Chandi, but those names are, like, totally stupid, so I'm stuck with Chandra for now.
Gah! So I'm driving to my cousin Elisa's. I know, she's like a cop and I totally hate cops because I have irrational angst and stuff. She's also forty and totally a minority and I'm American, so we, like, have nothing in common. But I have to go because my mom is visiting my sick grandma, or something.
So I'm driving my Sebring and I'm, like, totally hot, my hair is blond, with natural brown, purple, green, blue, teal, red, highlights. I have big chocolate lavender eyes. I'm wearing a purple vest and letting it all hang out, but not everything, because I'm totally not that kind ah' girl. I have a dark short skirt, with blue and white knee highs, and big black running boots, you know, 'cause goth is so hot these days.
I also have piercings in my nose, lip, and tongue. My beotches say it is so totally two thousand to have piercings, but they're so dumb. They don't understand you need to look like you can suck a cock and able to do so when you have to. Like the other day when my physics teacher was going to flunk me and these piercings were totally worth it to get out of summer school.
Oh my god! I totally have angst! Let me tell you about my angst!
*Phone Rings on Chandra's cell phone/entertainment center.*
Agh! Hi mom, how's grandma? How do you, like, totally do your taxes, get to work, change your diapers, and do other adult things inappropriate for a teenager to understand or handle, without me? Why does it sound like you're at a party? Why is there a party at the hospital? Whatever… Do I have to go to Elisa's? I mean, she's totally a cop and I hate cops. Okay, tell grams to get better soon.
Gah. Adults are sooo stupid because they have to focus on their jobs and stuff so they can, like, put food on my plate. American teenagers should totally rule the world, I mean directly unlike now.
So, what was I talking about? I'm almost at Elisa and she's like an Indian, like Jacob. Twilight totally taught me everything I need to know, but I'm not on either team. Edward is like all angsty, doesn't he know only I can be angsty and he has to buy me stuff because he's the boy? Jacob IS TOTALLY HOT! But he's a minority and we'd have to live like minorities, in a trailer on section eight with about a hundred kids or more. Babies are for girls with low self-esteem because they totally make you fat and ugly.
OH! MY! GOD! This is all giving me an idea for a Twilight Fic! Hold on.
*Again, Chandra whips out her phone and types on the key pad as the car drifts in and out of lanes, terrified drivers honk and swear. The process takes about fifty eight seconds.*
Hmph! Only eight thousand hits and forty reviews in the first five seconds? Fan Fiction net is sooooo lame. Everyone is, like, so wrapped up in their own work and totally jealous of my fics. It's so unfair! Fan fic writers should unite and stop being such bitches already just because I haven't chosen a team. Gah!
So, I'm totally at Elisa's poor person apartment. I mean, it's beyond lame, she doesn't even have Wii, and she's being her bitchy self like usual.
"Who are you?"
She always asks me that, cops are so stupid. My cousin takes my phone as I go into her apartment, same as it ever was with Elisa. She always wants to call my mother to verify our relationship and stuff.
This place IS SUCH A DUMP. Elisa's like, one foot on the streets and another on a banana peel. I mean, it's bad enough that I have to work at Wal-Mart. I know! Work is for Mexicans. But my mother always wants me out of the house; Ah! I have so much angst.
My Sebring's bad, but at least it's a two thousand ten. I knew a girl who got a ninety five Cavalier because her parents want to teach her responsibility and she totally hanged herself. She was found all green and bloated and covered in maggots, so now we call her maggot girl. That's why you have to buy your child a proper vehicle, so you're not remembered as some insect.
So I'm in Elisa's apartment and suddenly a gargoyle crashes through the big window. I don't know when it got dark out but HE'S SO HOT!
End part one…..
"Brooklyn!" Elisa cried and ran to him.
The red bomber lay on the carpet while clutching his ankle, "someone shot me," he got out. "Might be Quarrymen, I don't know."
Oh my god, he totally looks like Jacob! I guess since he's not human that would make him a double minority, but that's okay as long as I don't get pregnant. Like Jacob he goes shirtless too and it's so easy to get his belt off.
"What are you doing!" Elisa cried and shoved Chandra back from taking off Brooklyn's loincloth.
Oh my god, he's so hot! I'm totally gonna give him a BJ! He doesn't even have to take me to a restaurant first. And that's important because I'm totally not easy. I'm also a virgin, I KNOW! I'm like the only fourteen year old American who hasn't fucked yet. At least I don't think I have, my school teaches Intelligent Design and Abstinence and cancelled Health Ed, so I'm not sure how that all works; hmmm….
Elisa rushed to the medipack in her bathroom.
Oh my god! You are so beautiful! You are like a Stone Angelz!
"Your hair colors, your eyes, your clothes, are you like some sort of mutant?" Brooklyn cried when he saw Chandra.
"Move!" Elisa cried, shoving Chandra aside and packing the wound before palpating it. "You might be okay, I don't feel any deformities and I'm getting a distal pulse. But we should splint it anyway and find an x ray device. Where's the Clan?"
My cousin is SUCH AN IDIOT everyone knows Gargoyles are invincible.
"Chandra, we have to get Brooklyn to a friendly medical facility," Elisa said. "So brace one of his arms so we can walk him out of here."
Name my heart Brooklyn.
*Phone rings.*
Oh my god, Lacy! You are never going to believe where I am… He's so hot!
End part two.
So Elisa made me put the phone away so we can carry Brooklyn out the building, she is such a b-i-t-c-h. But outside we saw all these rednecks in purple with guns and one shoved a gun in my face, taking me away.
Elisa made it with Brooklyn to the Clock tower where his leg was splinted and she met with the Clan. "He will recover."
"Thanks to you," Goliath laid a hand at her shoulder.
Elisa smiled, "we never would have gotten away if it wasn't for the Mary Sue Principal."
"The what?" Goliath asked.
"Oops! I never meant to tell you about them," she said.
"Tell me about whom," Goliath raised his voice slightly.
Elisa sighed, "every now and again a girl arrives at my door claiming to be my cousin. This girl goes by many names and looks like a Picasso abortion, and when I speak to her mother she just says 'take her.' Usually I placate this girl and send her home, a few times I've called the mental hospital. This was the only time she's ever been useful. "
"Useful how," Goliath asked.
Elisa closed her eyes, already knowing how Goliath would take the news, "the Mary Sue Principal, the sue, in this case: Chandra, is the all knowing, all powerful, protagonist of the story; even hogging the spotlight from main cannon characters who usually worship her. So, when we ran into Quarrymen on the way to here, they took her and ignored us."
Goliath frowned, "we cannot abandon her to torment, especially when it was her actions that brought you safely back to me." Goliath brushed her chin with the faintest of touch.
"Yes we can," Brooklyn said.
"Organize, we will search this city for Chandra!"
End of part three.
Finding Chandra was surprisingly easy as the Quarrymen put up billboards around the city stating where the Gargoyles could meet them.
The warring factions met on a rooftop.
"Take her," Banquo said while shoving Chandra forward. "Take her now!"
Goliath took Chandra, "are you hurt?"
OH MY GOD! You are so hot! I mean, Brooklyn's hot, probably hotter. When you're pumping iron and swilling creatine there is a point where enough's enough, Arnold. When you start getting really muscly it looks as if you're trying to compensate for something and all you can do is manual labor jobs…
"Take these too," Banquo said and handed Goliath his mask and hammer, the others of the terrorist cell did the same.
"Wha-what are you doing?" Goliath cried as the former Quarrymen walked away.
"It just isn't worth it. We're really sorry for hunting and tormenting you when there are creatures like HER out there."
"Yeah, they're the true enemy," another Quarryman added.
Goliath watched in shock as the Quarrymen hopped cabs and drove away.
"That was one of the Quarrymen's most dangerous cells," Lexington said. "Chandra disbanded them with only her words. Chandra is a hero."
The clan looked at the strange creature that was Chandra.
Gah! I know I'm a hero, this isn't news to me.
"Alright," Elisa sighed. "Chandra, let's get you to the 23rd Precinct so you can give a report. Maybe we can catch those former Quarrymen before they leave the state and put them away..."
NA AH! Elisa, that's where my irrational angst is from!
Elisa sighed and rolled her eyes, "what IS your irrational angst, Chandra?"
When I visited two years ago an officer lured me into a closet, hit me with his baton, then raped me with it.
Elisa stopped and the clan peeled their eyes, meeting each other's shocked looks. Elisa took Chandra's elbows and kneeled to look into her eyes, "Chandra," Elisa said in a carefully controlled voice. "This is a very serious accusation. If even a whiff of sexual assault and subsequent cover up hits the papers the precinct will be shut down and every officer will be out of a job, the other precincts will have to double their work load until a new police force can be established. You have to tell me, what officer attacked you? What officer did you report him to, and who initiated the cover up?"
Ah! I didn't tell anyone!
"Why the hell not!" Elisa demanded.
Because cops are the worst, duh! Are all Indians hard of hearing like you? Sorry, Native Americans.
Elisa shook her head and marched away, "no, you're the worst." She muttered. "Come on, if we get there immediately we can put out a report on those Quarrymen and State can pick them up on the Interstates. While we are there you can point out your attacking officer."
GA! I said NO! You are so stupid, Elisa! I can't face my angst because then I wouldn't have any and then I can't be a Sue!
End Part 4…..
They returned to the clock tower and the clan had never seen Elisa so angry and frustrated.
"Not her again!" Brooklyn cried upon seeing Chandra, his leg useless he laid on the couch.
Its BJ time!
"Chandra, what are you doing!" Elisa cried and grabbed her before she got to Brooklyn's belt.
Elisa, you're my cousin and I love you, but you're seriously starting to piss me off right now. I'm going to give Brooklyn a blow job, you all can watch, I don't care.
"Brooklyn do you want a blow job," Elisa demanded.
"No," he responded immediately.
What, are you gay or something? I mean, you can tittie fuck me if that's more your thing.
Elisa raised her hand as if to strike Chandra, but stopped herself, balling her fist in frustration instead. "Chandra, your behavior is inappropriate, if you do not stop we will have set up a punishment for you."
Inappropriate? Punishment?
Elisa stood back and studied the bizarre girl who now appeared confused.
Elisa? My BFF Lacy says that you're still a virgin as long as a boy doesn't blast you in the mouth, right? I mean, my family and school teaches that god will cast your soul into hell for all eternity for Imps to shove pineapples up your ass if you are not a virgin on your betrothal night. So I'm in the clear, right?
Elisa sighed and sank to one knee, "Chandra, it really makes me sad to hear how society has failed you, okay? It really does. But it is not my responsibility to teach you about sex."
Gah, Elisa! I already know I'm a girl.
"Give me your phone, I want to talk to your mother again," Elisa said.