Harry Potter—The Bachelor

By Holly Rachael Zintel

Notice: J.K. Rowling so totally owns Harry Potter, his pals, the Houses, Hogwarts… everything!  It's all hers!  I don't claim to own any of it.  None of it at all!  And I'm not entirely sure who owns The Bachelor, but I'm quite sure it isn't me.  It's a show on ABC.  So, please refrain from suing me.  If you do, I'll most likely cry for days on end, and I don't want to go through Kleenex that quickly.  That stuff's expensive.

Warning: The following is a romantic comedy, not suitable for those who think of themselves as manly.  Girlfriend supervision is strongly recommended.  

           

Chapter One

            Harry could hardly believe what was about to happen.  He was standing on the steps that lead to the Prefects' dormitory, wearing navy dress robes.  Ludo Bagman stood beside him, looking elated, as if this were the best day of his life.  Harry took a shaky breath, thinking how far this was from the best moment of Ihis/I life.

        Mr. Bagman was beaming at Harry, in that fatherly manner that he frequently used with him.  "Do you need a pep talk, Harry?  'Cause I'd be happy to give you one."

        "No thanks," said Harry.

        "I mean, I have met all the girls, and I can tell you right now who my top pick would be.  The prettiest, by far, is that Oriental girl…"

        "Mr. Bagman," Harry said, raising an eyebrow.  "Have you told the girls anything about me?"  He suspected that Bagman was pulling a stunt similar to the one he'd pulled during the Triwizard Tournament. 

        Mr. Bagman laughed.  "Of course not, Harry!  They already know everything about you!"

        Harry sighed; he sometimes needed to be reminded of who he was.  He was Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived.  These girls only wanted to date him because he was famous.  He thought back to how he'd gotten himself into this mess…

~ ~ ~

        It was a dark, dreary-looking day when, at dinner, Professor Dumbledore announced that Hogwarts would be having a prom in April.  Since there was no Triwizard Tournament or Yule Ball this year, he felt that the students had nothing much to look forward to, apart from trips to Hogsmeade. 

        Lavender and Parvati shrieked in excitement when they heard the news, and then proceeded to giggle madly. 

        Ron seemed pleased.  "Excellent, I'll get to try out my new dress robes!" 

        Harry raised an eyebrow.  "Ron, didn't you hear Dumbledore?  He said we're wearing tuxes, Muggle dress clothes."

        "Oh man," Ron groaned.  "Maybe I can get Fred and George to exchange my robes…"

        Hermione, on the other hand, was less than thrilled.  "Oh, wonderful," she complained.  "All we need is another time-consuming event that will keep us from our studies!" 

        Harry cast around the Hall, trying to pick out Cho Chang in the crowd.  This year, he wanted to ask her before anyone else could beat him to it.  He spotted her chatting with a couple of drippy-looking guys, and twirling her pasta.  He rose from his seat, said, "Be right back" to Ron and Hermione, and hurried over to the Ravenclaw table.

        Harry knew he had to act fast; this was no time to get nervous and choke.  Cho was a very pretty and popular girl, and if he didn't ask her now, she'd be taken. 

        But that thought didn't keep the bufferflies out of his stomach as he reached her.  "Hey Cho," he said, his voice quivering a bit.  "I just wanted to—"

        "Pardon me," the nerdy guy on Cho's left interrupted in a nasally voice.  "I was about to query Miss Chang about something of tremendous significance."

        "Oh."  Harry's felt his heart sink.  "I'm sorry, go ahead."

        The nerd smiled.  "Quite alright.  Now Cho, I was pondering… would you care to assist me in my quest to assimilate flobberworms for once and for all?"

        "Yeah, sure I will, Barnaby!  I think flobberworms are disgusting, and they seem pretty worthless."

        "Splendid!" Barnaby exclaimed.  "Please, carry on, sir," he added to Harry.

        Harry, extremely relieved, continued.  "Uh, Cho, I was just wondering…"

        "Hang on," Cho cut in, "I was wondering something about you, too.  Would you want to go to the prom with me?" 

        Harry felt his mouth drop open in total shock.  Had Cho Chang just asked him out?  He suddenly realized he hadn't answered her yet, and rushed to do so when—

        "Harry!"

        He turned to see Ginny Weasley standing beside him, wearing a hopeful smile.  "Uh, yeah, Ginny?" Harry prompted, trying not to sound annoyed with her.

        Ginny blushed prettily as she bent her head and hurriedly muttered, "Will you go to the prom with me?"

        Oh no.  He'd had a feeling that was what she was going to say.  How could he let her down gently?  "Oh… well, Ginny, I—"

        "Hey, Harry!" 

        Harry groaned.  What now?  Parvati and Padma Patil stood side-by-side, beaming up at him. 

        "You wanna go to the prom with us?" they asked simultaneously.

        "WHAT?"  Now this was a surprise. "Parvati, I showed you a horrible time at the Yule Ball last year!"

        Parvati shrugged and giggled, glancing at her sister.  "A person can change a lot over a year.  We're sure you'd be a blast."

        Had Harry just heard the word "we're"?  "You can't want me to take you both!"

        The twins grinned.  "Why not?"

        This was like some terrible nightmare.  The girl of his dreams finally asked him out, and suddenly, he was accosted by bunches of girls who liked him?

        Just as he'd begun to sort this mess out, an attractive blonde girl he didn't even know approached him.  "Yeah?!" he snapped at her.

        The girl looked a little taken aback, but nevertheless asked, "Would you go to the prom with me?" 

        That evening, as Harry was walking to Gryffindor Tower with Hermione and Ron, he told them about his dilemma.

        "So all of these girls asked me to the prom, and the only one I want to go with is Cho!  But how was I going to tell all of them that without hurting their feelings?" Harry whined.

        Ron laughed.  "Mate, you've just been asked out by not one, but a whole group of cute girls, and you're worried about how to let them down easy.  I'd take all of them!"

        Hermione made a "Humph!" noise as Harry said to Ron; "You'd like them, then?  Want me to ask one if they'll settle for you?" he chuckled.

        Ron rolled his eyes.  "Nah, I'm all set."  He smiled and nodded toward Hermione. 

        "You two are going together?" Harry said, grinning.

        "I'm afraid so," Hermione replied, matching his grin.  "I decided to indulge the poor boy.  Although I'd hate to see what he'll do to a tuxedo after seeing his dress robes last year…"

        They told the Fat Lady the password ("persnickety pumpernickel") and climbed through the portrait hole.  To Harry's dismay, all of the Gryffindor girls who had asked him to the prom were in the Common Room, along with a bunch who hadn't… and all of their eyes were on him. 

        Fred and George Weasley seemed to be the only male students in the room.  They immediately rushed up to Harry.

        "Harry, every one of these girls wants you to take her to the prom!" George exclaimed.

        Fred was George's twin, and the two looked particularly identical at the moment, both of them grinning from ear to ear.  "Obsessive about you, that one is," Fred said, pointing at a gorgeous brunette.

        George nodded.  "It's true, I asked her to go to prom with me."  His voice raised about five octaves as he imitated her.  "'Sorry, I'm holding out for Harry Potter.  Do you know if he has a date yet?'  The whole lot of them sound like Ginny!"

        "Really," Fred agreed.  "I think I nabbed the only girl who's not fanatical about you.  Luckily, she's the best of the bunch."  Fred winked at Angelina as he spoke.

        The voices of the girls were rising steadily.  "Good Heavens," Hermione complained, "Don't these girls come with a mute button?"

        Harry chuckled.  Fred and George looked confused.  Ron, who had covered his ears with his hands said, "What?"

        "Right," said George.  "Let's step outside, shall we?"

        The five of them climbed through the portrait hole.  Harry noticed that Fred and George were still smirking mischievously.  Apparently, Ron noticed this too.  "Alright, what's up with you two now?" he asked impatiently.

        "Well, there have to be at least twenty girls who want the famous Harry Potter to escort them to the prom.  And—"

        "Poor, pitiful blokes like George here, and Neville, will never get a date is you're hogging all the ladies," Fred cut George off.

         Rolling his eyes, George continued, "Really, Harry, you can't possibly dance with every girl at Hogwarts in one evening."

        "Yeah," laughed Ron, "he has enough trouble dancing with just one girl!"

        Hermione elbowed Ron in the ribs.  "I wouldn't talk if I were you, Ron; I didn't see you dancing at all last year."

        Everybody laughed as Ron's ears went red.  Fred cleared his throat and went on.  "Getting back to business, Harry, we were thinking—"

        "That we could hold a contest," Fred finished.

        Harry raised an eyebrow.  "A contest?  What kind of a contest?"

        "The best kind," George declared.  "You see, it would be this contest where witches…"

        "…sort of compete to be your date," Fred concluded.

        There was a small silence before Ron said, "What?" in an impatient tone. 

        Hermione looked disgusted and a little peeved.  "Ugh, that is so degrading to women!  This has got to be the most insane idea I've ever heard from you two, honestly!"

        Fred and George grinned at her.  "Thanks," they said in unison.

        "Look, guys," Harry said, "I don't know about you, but I like to think of myself as a one-woman kind of guy."

        "And I like to think of myself as thin," the Fat Lady's voice chimed in, "but you have to stop and take a look at yourself.  You're a very good-looking boy.  I've been hanging here for a long time, and every boy who looked as handsome as you courted many girls at a time."

        "Oh."  Harry flushed slightly.  "Thank you.  But I do have morals, you know.  Besides, there's only one girl I'd be interested in dating right now.  I just need to find a way to let the other girls down…"

        George perked up.  "See, Harry, you want to let the other girls down easy!  This is the perfect way to do that!" 

        Harry looked pensive, but Ron looked enthused.  "Harry," he said, "this is a bloody brilliant idea if you ask me.  I mean, Cho is one of the girls who asked you to prom, right?"

        "Yeah…" Harry was still skeptical.  "I don't know.  What do you think, Hermione?"

        Hermione continued to look dubious.  "Well, Harry…  In my opinion, any girl who would do this obviously wouldn't find it degrading, as I do…  This would be a good experience, meeting new people.  And if you continue to like Cho best, after spending time with each girl, you can still choose to take her to the prom."

        This seemed to seal the deal for Harry.  "You're right," he said.  "I'll do it."

        Harry, Ron and Hermione worked together to brainstorm about what types of things Harry could do to get to know each girl better.

        "You could take each girl to the Astronomy Tower," Ron suggested at once.

        "Ron!" Hermione scolded, looking horrified.

        "Well, what do you think he should do?" Ron said.

        Hermione paused, mid-muffin.  "Hmm…" She lit up, obviously having been struck by an idea.  "Why don't you give each witch a quiz, Harry?"

        Harry raised an eyebrow.  "A quiz?"

        "Hermione, these girls aren't looking to do homework, they want to go out with Harry!" Ron exclaimed.

        "Yes, but if we made up a quiz, or a survey, perhaps, each girl could complete it, and the results would show how compatible they are with Harry!"  She looked very pleased with her idea.

        Grinning, Harry shook his head.  "Whatever, you guys.  I'll just be happy to be spending time with Cho."

        "Harry," Hermione said, "you mustn't think that way!  You have to give every witch a fair chance!  If you—"

        The clinking of a spoon on a goblet cut her off.  Professor Dumbledore was standing at the front of the Hall.  Next to him, to Harry's astonishment, was Ludo Bagman.

        "Sorry to interrupt your breakfasts, but we have here today an even bigger treat than our House Elves' delightful Belgian waffles.  Ladies and gents, I'm pleased to welcome Mr. Ludo Bagman back to Hogwarts!"  Dumbledore sat down as Bagman stood up and bowed. 

        "Hi, kids!" he said cheerfully.  "Your headmaster's not fibbing!  I've returned, along with plenty of free copies of Gilderoy Lockhart's latest book, Remembering Remarkable Me!  I'm here to interview you kidlings as you prepare for your first ever Muggle event"—he glanced down at a flashcard he was holding, "the porn!"

        The whole hall burst into laughter at Bagman's slip, but Professor McGonagall looked infuriated and shouted, "Prom!  He meant to say 'prom'!"

        Bagman interviewed students wherever he could find them—at dinner, in the library, in between classes…   Most people stayed in their common rooms as often as possible, to get away from Bagman.

        It seemed that every time Bagman asked a girl, "Who will be escorting you to prom?" they'd tell him they weren't going unless Harry Potter brought them.

        Harry was trying desperately to steer clear of Bagman, but Fred and George definitely weren't helping.  They'd made up flyers about their idea, and had hung up a sign-up parchment outside each common room.  Whoever signed up was sent an owl that carried what Harry thought looked like a very in-depth personal ad, with all of Harry's vital statistics.

        Ron and Hermione were still arguing about ways Harry could bond with the girls days later.  Ron thought up things like taking every witch out to the lake for swimsuit-clad picnics and Filibuster's Fireworks displays.  Hermione kept reminding Ron that it wasn't swimsuit weather, but all of his ideas continued to include swimsuits.

        Hermione's ideas always involved learning.  She thought Harry should take the girls to the library so he could see what sort of books they read.  "The books a girl reads will tell you a lot about her," she advised him.

        "It's true, Harry," Ron had teased, "just look at Hermione's books!  Only a know-it-all would read that rubbish!"

        Harry knew he couldn't hide forever, and he was right.  The following Saturday, Bagman spotted him while he and Ron were on the way to Divination. 

        "Oy, there!  Harry!" Bagman called. 

        Harry pretended not to hear him, but Bagman was undaunted.  He ran up to Harry and cuffed him on the shoulder saying, "Harry, old boy!  How are you?"  Without waiting for a response, he continued, "Have you got a date for the prom yet?"

        "Why?" asked Ron.  "You want to go with him?"

        Bagman laughed good-naturedly.  "No, but I seem to be the only one in this school who doesn't!  Harry, who would you say is your number one choice for a prom date?"

        "Er—I don't know," Harry lied.

        "Choices, choices, eh Harry?  I bet you're looking forward to Monday evening, aren't you?" said Bagman.

        Harry had no clue what he was talking about.  "Monday evening, Mr. Bagman?"

        "Well, of course!"  Bagman looked at Harry as though he'd gone mad.  "That's the day your new WB show is airing!"

        "The WB?" Harry asked incredulously.

        "Yeah, Wizard Broadcasting network," said Bagman.

        Ron looked at Harry in awe.  "Whoa, Harry!  You're going to be on the WB!"  He turned to Bagman.  "What's he going to be on there for?"

        Bagman raised an eyebrow.  "He's the star of the show!"  Ron and Harry still looked blank.  "The Bachelor!"

        Harry and Ron exchanged worried glances.

        When Ron and Harry arrived in the Gryffindor common room, they found who they were looking for, and they were talking to Hermione.  She looked furious and anxious all at once.

        "You cannot do this to Harry!" she was raging.  "He doesn't need a TV show about him, he's famous enough without that!"
        Fred and George gave Hermione bemused looks.  "TV?"

        "She's right, you know," Harry said, drawing the twins' attention to he and Ron.

        "What do you two think you're playing at?" Ron asked.

        George fidgeted.  "Um… Harry, we kind of…  Fred?"

        "Bagman wants to make a WB show about Harry," Fred explained, though he looked as fidgety as George, "and he said he'd pay us 2,000 Galleons if we signed a form saying he could make it."

        "Why didn't he ask me if he could make it?" said Harry.

        Shrugging, George replied, "I guess it's because this whole thing, with you and the girls, was our idea."

        "Well, what do you say?" asked Fred.

        Harry looked around at his friends.  Hermione was still wearing a disapproving expression, but Ron was giving him the thumbs up.  Sighing, Harry threw his hands up in the air.  "Sure.  Whatever."

~ ~ ~

        And now here he was.  A tiny object floated in the air behind Bagman.  Harry thought it looked like a very small video camera.  "Mr. Bagman?" Harry inquired.  "What's that floating behind you?"

        "Oh, that's just a Memory Capturer.  A Takes picture with sounds is all."  Bagman smiled playfully.  "Don't get out much, eh Harry?  Oh!  Delightful, here are the girls."  He pointed his wand at his throat, muttering, "Sonorus!" then at the Memory Capturer, saying "Initiatal!"

        Harry felt his heart do a somersault.  Twenty-five beautiful girls were walking toward him, all dressed I glamorous dresses and beaming at him.  Cho caught his eye immediately, and he couldn't help but gawk at her in amazement.

        She wore a dazzling red, strapless gown, and her hair was done up in a stylish twist.  That twist kind of reminded him of Hermione's hair at the Yule Ball last year.  He laughed, remembering how that twist had fallen to pieces when she fought with Ron.  His nerves lessened considerably.  That's what I'll do, he thought.  Whenever I get too nervous during this show, I'll think of my friends.  He then focused his attention on Bagman as he started to speak.

        "Hello, I'm Ludo Bagman, and I'll be your host.  I'm here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where we'll be broadcasting from all month long!  Now, let's meet our bachelor… Harrrrrrry 'The Boy Who Lived' Potter!"  The Memory Capturer turned toward Harry.

        "Harry is a fifteen-year-old guy in need of a prom date!  He stands at five-foot-four, has black hair and green eyes.  Harry spends his free time playing for the Gryffindor House Quidditch team where he's a Seeker.  Now, let's meet the Witches!"