The Joys of Parenthood, a twilight fanfic

A/N: I don't own Twilight. If I did, I woulda made RPattz audition on my director's couch, if you know what I mean *wink, wink*

The awesomely awesome coachlady1 beta'd. Did I mention how awesome she is?

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"Darling, I've tried calling everyone. Zafrina, Charlotte, Kate, Renee..."

"Well, what about Maria?"

I raise my brow.

"Okay... forget about Maria... but there has to be someone!"

"Carlisle, it will be fine." I rub my husband's shoulders in an attempt to soothe him. "We don't need a babysitter, Darling. I'll just put Alice and Edward in bed early tonight. I'll let them sleep together in the guest bedroom with the television on. That'll keep them distracted until they fall asleep."

"Maybe if I slip them some Nyquil in their applesauce..."

"Carlisle!" I yell while slapping his arm, laughing. "You will do no such thing!"

He hugs me and rests his chin atop my head. "It was merely a suggestion, my love. If you have an aversion to Nyquil, perhaps I could crumble up some Percocet..." His shoulders shake with laughter and I join him.

"Surely you can't be that desperate, Dr. Cullen."

"For you? Always."

He leans down and places a gentle kiss on my lips. The kiss deepens and I open my mouth to him. When our tongues caress, I moan in satisfaction. Surely no woman on earth has been as lucky as I, to find such a perfect specimen of a man.

His arms wrap around my waist and I feel his arousal against my abdomen. Before things get too heated, I know we need to stop.

"Carlisle," I say while backing away slightly, "we should stop before our children catch us and end up traumatized, in need of counseling."

"Oh, Esme, how I want you." He bends his knees to bring his face even with mine and grinds his erection into me. Screw this. I'll pay for the kids' therapy.

Right when I'm about to wrap my arms around my husband's neck and make love to him on the spot, we're interrupted.

"Mommyyyyyy!!!! Edward keeps saying he can read my mind and says I was thinking about eating boogers!!!"

Carlisle chuckles as he backs away. "Ah, the joys of parenthood. I'll let you get this, my love. I have... office work to attend to."

I roll my eyes. "How coincidental."

As Carlisle leaves the room, I walk to Alice, bend down and place her on my knee.

"Alice, honey, you know Edward just says those things to provoke you."

"Prue-poke me? What does 'prue-poke' mean?"

I hold in my laughter. "Provoke means he does things that he knows will upset you or make you mad."

"He DOES! He makes me SO mad, Mommy!"

"I know, but that's what big brothers do. It's how they show their love for their sisters. Plus," I look at her conspiratorially and lean toward her ear, "girls rule and boys drool."

She beams up at me. "YEAH! We rule! Boys drool and stink and have germs!" Alice seems appeased as she scampers off of my lap, skipping away somewhere. Probably to tease Edward about how much he drools. I shake my head and laugh quietly.

After dinner and dessert, I clean up the dishes, getting groped by Carlisle whenever the children aren't looking. He certainly is worked up tonight. Our sex life is far from dull, but he seems so animalistic tonight. I like it. I turn my head around toward him and smile seductively while winking my eye. The look he answers me with is almost enough to make me throw him on the dining table and ravage him atop the mashed potatoes, forever damaging my children's psyches.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and I hear my husband chuckle. Oh, but I'll be the one having the last laugh tonight, dear. After I finish putting away the dishes and leftovers, I take the children upstairs to be bathed.

"I don't wanna take a bath with Edward, he poots in the tub!" Alice whines.

"And I don't wanna take a bath with Alice, 'cause she always has those dumb girl dolls and sings dumb girl songs."

"I do not want to hear complaining tonight, you two! Now get along or you won't get your surprise tonight."

They simmer down at the mention of a surprise. So easily manipulated, I chuckle to myself. After dressing the children in their nightclothes and reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, I decide they've waited long enough.

"Are you guys ready to hear what your surprise is?!" I ask excitedly. The more excited I act, the more excited they get.

"YEAH!!!" they yell, hopping up and down.

"Okay... Are you sure you wanna know?!?!"

"YEAH!!! YEAH!!!"

"Alrighty. Well... tonight, you two get to stay in our super cool guest room and watch television ALL night!!!"

"YAAAAY!" more clapping and hopping.

"Okay, let's go you two! Hurry up, before Daddy changes his mind!"

They run out of the room, tripping and falling in their hurry to reach the guest bedroom. I set the television's parental block so only the Disney Channel will show up.

"Wow, look at that!" I say looking at the television. "Phineas & Ferb is on! This show is so awesome! Now, you two get under the blanket. You don't have to go to sleep," I tell them as I tuck them in, "but if you get tired, just lie back and rest your eyes a bit, okay?"

"Okay, Mom," they say as I walk out of the room.

When I turn around to cut off the lights, their eyes are glued to the screen. Are they even blinking? Oh well. Time to seduce my lover.

"So you finally decide to join me," he says as I enter the room.

I roll my eyes, "Maybe if I had someone's help."

"Love, I told you,I had office work," he says while wrapping his arms around me from behind. He leans down and puts his face into the crook of my neck. "Mmm... You smell divine, my love."

He slowly lifts his hands from my abdomen to my breasts and gently kneads them while making soft, lazy circles with his tongue on my neck. He lifts his mouth to my ear and licks the shell.

"I've been thinking of taking you all day, wife. I don't think I can wait any longer." He turns me around to face him, licks his finger and wipes his wet digit across my blouse.

"Uh-oh, let's get you out of these wet clothes," he says while smiling and lifting my shirt above my head.

"You always were the smooth talker, Dr. Cullen," I smile at him and unbutton my pants.

"Oh, yes, I've been known to dazzle a few women in my life," he gasps. "You've been wearing these all day? You devilish woman!"

Carlisle loves it when I wear crotchless underwear. Wearing crotchless underwear is the reason Alice is here today.

"You like?" I ask teasingly as I kick my pants off to the side.

He rushes me and attacks my mouth passionately, palming my sex. We both moan. He enters me with two fingers, working me furiously and I throw my head back while pushing down his boxer briefs.

"Oh, God, I can't wait anymore," he breathes into my mouth.

He places his hands under my thighs and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around him and he quickly walks us to the nearest wall. He pushes me up against the wall and swiftly enters me. I moan loudly and drop my head back, making it thump loudly against the wall. He takes one of my nipples into my mouth as he pushes into me, filling me deliciously. I love it when he's desperate for me.

I grab his face and bring his mouth to mine, showing him my love and devotion with my tongue. He grunts into my mouth, and grabs my ass, pushing himself deeper. I reach behind him and claw at his back, willing him to realize how much I need him, how I'll never have enough.

He pulls his mouth from mine. "We're making too much noise, love. Pictures are rattling. Bed. Now," he says while walking us to the bed. He gently lays me down, never missing a stroke.

"Oh, Carlisle," I moan as I thrust my hips up to meet his.

"Esme... God, I love you."

He lifts my leg over his shoulder and my back arches off of the bed in bliss. He moans loudly at the depths he reaches with this new angle. I open my eyes to look at my husband, when I see something behind him. I lift my head a little and see my Edward, mouth agape, staring as his parents go at it like wild beasts. Carlisle is still pounding furiously, unaware of our company. His sweaty, muscular ass is flexing and grinding right in my poor child's face. I'm shocked and can't move.

"Mommy?!" Edward says, eyes tearing, sounding scared.

"SHIT!!!" Carlisle yells while diving under the covers. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God..." Carlisle keeps chanting. I pull some of the blanket to cover myself with.