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Ultimate crack

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Summary: In which a lot of powerful people conspire against the despicable evil that is fanfiction. And Sasuke is severely traumatized. Everything bashing! Multiple crossovers! Be prepared for a healthy dose of insanity!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Bleach, One Piece or anything. I also seriously question whether I possess even a modicum of sanity for thinking up, and actually typing out this madness.

You can think of the setting as post chapters 306-309. Basically after Team Kakashi (minus Kakashi plus Yamato plus Sai) go traipsing into Orochimaru's lair with unclear intentions towards my beloved Sasuke… who totally kicked ass in this volume ;)

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"Why didn't you let me kill them?"

Kabuto made a discreet exit from the danger zone. Sasuke still appeared to be cranky, despite being fully awake and alert. The medic-nin supposed that since the boy was woken up to an assassination attempt followed by a spar with his loud, over-energetic and overly-sentimental friend, his crabbiness might possibly be justified.

Kabuto secretly sympathized with the Avenger; he had also faced the same blubbering guilt-trip while revealing his betrayal to the blond nine-tails. He would not enjoy a repeat of those Chuunin exams.

But still, to so blatantly question, almost insult Orochimaru-sama…. it was not something a sane man would do, no matter how cranky he was.

Well, it was Sasuke, so he would get away with a rap on the knuckles. He was Orochimaru-sama's prized pet after all.

Said Sannin was busy in explanation, trying to cajole his unenthusiastic 'pet' out of his mass-murdering mood. "They've already killed one Akatsuki, you know. At this rate, the Nine-tails will do most of the work for us… improving your chances at revenge."

Sasuke's rebuttal was swift and biting. "What if Naruto encounters Itachi first?"

To his consternation, Orochimaru laughed. "Oh no, your brother is far too slippery for that." Winking disturbingly, he added, "It takes one snake to know another."

Sasuke closed his eyes, wishing he could erase the last moment from his memory. Snakes should not be able to blink, much less wink like that. Reflecting, Sasuke realized that the past two and a half years with the Sannin were filled with several such indelibly traumatizing moments.

"Besides, we wouldn't want the fans to get upset…" Orochimaru muttered softly to himself.

The Uchiha, however, had advanced hearing ability borne from years of keeping alert for fangirl stampedes. He heard the words clearly – and was confounded. "Hn?"

Orochimaru turned back into the cozy darkness of his underground lair, throwing a parting answer in an attempt at coolness. "Oh Sasuke, I am merely saying that the world is not yet ready for a head-on collision between the two of you. It's hard to quell your… well, violent intentions – I know this from personal experience – but do try to show a bit of restraint… it can get quite… disturbing otherwise."

"Disturbing?" Sasuke muttered, but his mentor was long gone. Satisfied that the threat of Sasuke-tantrum had been neutralized, Kabuto once again emerged from the shadows.

"What is the snake talking about?" Sasuke demanded from the medic-nin. Oh dear, Kabuto sighed to himself; it seems the matter cannot just be dropped. But maybe it can provide a little bit of entertainment… Grinning from his sudden evil thought, Kabuto adopted a more serious demeanour, "Nothing you want to know about, Sasuke-kun. I recommend that you drop the matter entirely; I say this in your best interests."

Seeing the Uchiha's brain whirr into action behind his patented frown, Kabuto hid a grin. The simplest way to get unruly kids to do something was to forbid them from it…. really, handling the Uchiha was so simple sometimes. And so rewarding… Kabuto rushed off before his evil laughter could alert Sasuke of something amiss.

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"I want a proper explanation of what you said earlier." Sasuke's unannounced entry into the labs was a surprise, because the Avenger rarely ventured into the depths of hell that housed unnamed and unfathomably creepy inventions.

Orochimaru only sighed, once again taking his mentee's rude proclamation in stride. Sadly, Sasuke was too precious to kill over a mere slight. Thankfully, there would be better ways of reprimanding him in the future.

"Well, you see Sasuke, there are a great number of people who are deeply invested in your future. Specifically, your future with the Kohona's dashing Hokage, the son of the Yondaime."

Pulling out a huge sheaf of papers from his cluttered desk, the sannin continued unperturbed, "Very simply, they are called THE FANDOM. They are a group of highly-driven individuals who utilize their freedom of speech to share and bond over ideas of a ground-breaking and thought-provoking nature. Here", shoving the papers into Sasuke's hands, "I've taken the liberty of printing out some of the fandom's best works. Read what these passionate, free-spirited, and deeply loyal individuals have to say about your future."

His tomoe spinning wildly, Sasuke speed-read through the offered set of papers. With each page, his fists clenched tighter and his expression turned stormier.

Kabuto and Orochimaru exchanged meaningful glances. "Prepare the necessary equipment", the sannin whispered to his aide. "The procedure is best done tonight-" Their hushed conversation was halted by a blood-curling scream from the Uchiha.

The snake sannin looked on in askance, but Sasuke seemed too focused on shrieking to form coherent speech. Helpfully, Kabuto took the paper from limp shaking hands, reading out loud:

The great Hokage knelt to the floor beside his beloved. "Don't worry Sasu-chan; I am here now. I'll take care of you and our little ones." Caressing the bump of the Avenger's stomach, his whispered lovingly, "I'm sure there's more than one in there… and I can't wait to meet them."

Raising an eyebrow as he looked up from the text, Kabuto drawled, "Really, is that what has you so confused, Sasu-chan? I was sure you'd have broken down when you confessed your eternal love for your handsome blond teammate."

Hearing it spoken out loud seem to shake the Uchiha out of his stupor. Throwing the rest of the papers on the floor, he protested vehemently, "This is not biologically possible. It is not."

Orochimaru tittered deprecatingly, "It is very much possible, Sasuke-kun." To Sasuke's rising terror, Orochimaru seemed to be warming up to the craziness. "In fact, it is actually a very good idea."

Ignoring his student's horrified expression, continued, "If I combine our superior genes to create a legion of immortal sharingan wielders, then I shall have an endless supply of strong host bodies. Not to mention spare eyes. After all, higher forms of shaningan can lead to blindness."

"Why can't you do what you always do?" countered Sasuke, now quite panicked. "Creep about- I mean, create things inside your lab? Why would you need a- um, host body for gestation?"

Orochimaru stared him blankly. Neither moved. Finally, the Sannin nodded sagely, and Sasuke almost breathed a sigh in relief (almost, because he had to maintain the patent unflappable Uchiha look). The snake seemed to come to his senses at last.

Orochimaru leaned closer to rest a reassuring hand on his protégé. "Don't worry, I understand perfectly. You are concerned whether your body is capable of this noble task."

Bending down to flick at the Uchiha's ear with his extra-long tongue, he murmured, "But you have nothing to fear, Sasuke-chan. I have been preparing for this glorious event since you joined me in your quest to become stronger!" Entering the mode that can only be described as sage art: manic-crazy invention jutsu, the sannin continued, "I have already perfected the formula to provide you with the necessary organs to successfully bear and carry the embryo to term… and to care for the offspring after." Coiling his body around Sasuke, he hissed triumphantly, "Though when I first had this idea, I never imagined it would be put to ssssuch a pleasurable uuuussse."

Orocchimaru was insane beyond reason. Why did Sasuke not think of this problem while enlisting as his student?

Jerking away violently, the Avenger subtly gripped his weapons while distracting his former sensei, "What makes you think I would be remotely interested in that kind of pleasure with you? I live for my revenge, and that only."

There was a hand snaking into his overly-exposing shirt, but Sasuke was held petrified by the sannin's words:

"Oh, but what you said at that time was so deeply passionate, I could not help but think… is this not a better, a more satisfying way for both of us?"

Sasuke went pale white at the thought that somehow, he had been sending the whole signals to the wrongest possible guy. Sweat-dropping, he frantically tried to recall everything he said in the past two and a half years that could somehow been misconstrued into a romantic declaration by a perverted psycho.

Unfortunately for him, he did not have to think much. And what a declaration it was.

"But if I am able to accomplish my goals through nothing more than offering Orochimaru this body of mine… then he can have my life, and my afterlife for that matter."

Sasuke went from pale to red in a matter of seconds. "I was talking about you possessing my body, not violating it!"

"Violation?" Orochimaru tutted, fluttering his lashes in what he believed was a becoming manner. "Oh, my precious Sasuke-chan, what kind of brute do you take me for?"

"A creepy one", Sasuke muttered, but it went unheard.

"I would not dream of hurting you, my Sasssuke. After all, it would not do for you to suffer any damage before we revive our Clan to our fullest satisfaction!"

Sasuke mentally gagged at the very notion of 'their clan'. "Why me? You should just use your foul concoction on yourself! After all, you've experimented to make yourself damned near immortal, haven't you? Plus, you throw away your body all the time. You could just find a more suitable body the next time you decide to shed your skin."

Pityingly, the Sannin shook his head, as if there was something fundamental that Sasuke had missed. "Sssnakes lay eggsss, Sasssuke-chan. One needsss a bitch to make a mammal."

A berserker rage (no, Sasuke was not terrified, definitely not) took over the Uchiha's body, and his eyes flashed red.

The rest, as they say, is history.

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"Uchiha Sasuke is at the village gates!"

The announcement sent the ninja of Konoha into a frenzy, with everyone from Anbu to Genin crowding at the gates to capture (or just catch a glimpse of) the famed Avenger.

Their panic was unnecessary. "I surrender" the Uchiha declared, thrusting his sword (Kusanagi, of course… what were you thinking?) into the nearest Rookie Nine's hands. Meeting the sombre eyes of his teammate and rival (and nothing else!), he stated as calmly as he could with his roiling emotions, "We need to talk."

"Who do you think you are, coming back here and making demands?" several ninja shouted, shaking their weapons at the traitor. Shikamaru stepped in with his ever-present practicality, "I think this discussion is best adjourned to the Hokage's office, is it not?"

"Yeah" agreed Naruto, still grinning his I-won-the-Uchiha-lottery smile, "Granny Tsunade has gone out of town for a bit, and she's left me in charge!"

The Nara scoffed. "She's left Kakashi in charge, dumbass; but he skipped out for an Icha-Icha book signing. That's why you're in charge – with my help."

The group broke apart, with all the curious ninja returning to their respective work… all except Shikamaru and Naruto, who seated themselves in the Hokage's office with the newly-returned Sasuke. The Anbu were assigned a Super-Special S-class mission to retrieve Kakashi and Jiraiya; and with the big guns in attendance, the meeting finally begun.

"I have only one request from you." Sasuke began.

Shikamaru intervened before Naruto could whole-heartedly agree without listening to the request. "Really, Uchiha-san, what authority do you think you have to make demands? You are a missing-nin." As an aside, he muttered, "Besides, you should be grateful we are even agreeing to take your psycho ass back into the village".

Naruto gave his thumbs-up pose, teeth shining in true cheesy-hero fashion. "I will grant any request you ask! After all, I am the future Hokage!"

"I want… I want… no, I need… to eradicate..."

Eye-rolls all over. Shikamaru took it upon himself to express what everyone was thinking. "Itachi? Yeah, we get that. You've been saying that since you were a Genin, y'know."

Sasuke shook his head, his patented Uchiha scoff offset by the involuntary shudder that passed through him. The Konoha-nin eyed each other. What could be a greater menace to the self-proclaimed Avenger than the brother who killed his Clan?

"What? Itachi? No. Who cares about Itachi anymore? I need to eradicate the Fandom."

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"EH?!"

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DRUMROLLS!

Hope this has been as fun to read as it has been to write. I'm thinking of writing more along these lines… maybe a huge mega-crackfic. I would love to hear your thoughts!