Title: Sometimes Pickup Lines Work
Author: cheeseisthebestever
Word Count: 1,745
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Man sexins.
Other stuffs: Obviously, I am not ACD, the BBC, Mark Gatiss or Steven Moffat. I wish I was, but I'm not. Therefore, none of the characters are mine (I wish they were) and blah blah blah. This was inspired by a nerdy pickup line I found online… I have no idea why I wrote this. It just came to me. I am planning on a sequel to this, though I have no idea when I'll get around to it. Uhm...I guess that's it. Enjoy the porn! Oh! this was written late at night. It's a first draft, so please forgive my mistakes.
"What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply?"
"You know that it's scientifically impossible for us to multiply right?"
"Yes, but I thought you'd-"
"-appreciate a stupid pickup line from the internet? Please, John, be original. Do you actually think that'd convince someone to sleep with you?"
"Fine, I won't in the future, but right now I have other things on my mind."
John leaned in and captured Sherlock's lips with his own. He reached up and grabbed the collar of Sherlock's coat and pulled him down so that he was forced to put his hands out against the back of the couch to support himself. John's hand left Sherlock's collar and reached between them to cup Sherlock's growing erection through the fabric of his tight jeans. Sherlock groaned and thrust himself against John's hand. John pulled Sherlock down so he was straddling his lap. John's bulge pressed against Sherlock's and he thrust up drawing a groan from them both. Sherlock began to rut against John.
"Please John," he groaned.
John grinned and began undoing Sherlock's belt. He managed to undo Sherlock's belt and trousers, and he snaked his hand into Sherlock's pants. He cupped Sherlock through the thin material of his shorts.
"John. I swear to God I-"
"Sherlock, I never knew you were the religious type."
"SHUT UP AND DO SOMETHING JOHN!"
Sherlock stood up and pushed John down so that he was lying along the length of the couch. He then proceeded to crawl on top of John. He unbuttoned John's trousers and pulled them down as far as he could before realizing that he was preventing them from coming all the way off. He stood up and pulled John's trousers the rest of the way off and threw them haphazardly across the room. He then proceeded to undress himself as quickly as possible. Once fully naked he stared at John, who was still in his shorts and fully clothed on top, and frowned.
"John. Too many clothes. Off. Now."
John suddenly imagined a caveman version of Sherlock and giggled inwardly to himself.
"I'm glad my sexual frustration pleases you John. Now, clothes off please."
John looked at Sherlock. Mygodhe'sgorgeous, he thought to himself. The dark mass of curls contrasted so nicely with his pale skin. His eyes, the pupils dilated, so cat-like and elegant. His perfect cupid's bow lips that seemed to be made for snogging on the couch. John's eyes drifted down the body in front of him. The long elegant neck, the mole that he so much loved to kiss. The chest and arms that were muscular in an elegant way, like the rest of Sherlock. Then there was, of course, Sherlock's cock. It was jutting out from his body, and it's swollen head was pointing towards John. John could see the little bit of precum that had leaked from the head.
John sat up and removed his jumper. Then he slowly took off the t shirt he was wearing underneath. John watched Sherlock whose eyes seemed fixated on John's stomach. When he finally removed his shirt Sherlock stepped closer to the edge of the couch and reached his hands out to grasp the band of John's shorts. He slid his hands down John's legs, and with them, brought John's shorts. John's erection sprung up to greet him, and Sherlock eyed it hungrily.
John scooted up the couch and made room so that Sherlock could fit comfortably. Sherlock crawled on top of John and straddled his hips. Their erections brushed and both men closed their eyes at the contact. Sherlock leaned forward and pressed his lips against John's. John parted his lips as he felt Sherlock's tongue pressing against them. Sherlock's tongue traced the inside of John's mouth. He then began to nibble at John's lower lip, and he rocked his hips forward, rubbing their arousal together. John's head tipped back and he moaned. Sherlock took this opportunity to kiss along John's jaw and down his neck. Slowly Sherlock began his journey down his lover's body, stopping to swirl his tongue around John's left nipple, and then his right. John arched up into Sherlock's touch. Sherlock grinned wickedly as he slid all the way down John's body so that his face was level with John's prominent desire.
He looked up at John and winked before engulfing John in the wet heat of his mouth. John thrust up into his lover's mouth and Sherlock eagerly welcomed John's length. Sherlock began his work- slowly running his tongue up the bottom of John's cock and then swirling his tongue around the engorged head. He sucked greedily at the precum that John was leaking. He gripped John in one hand, and with his other reached down to cup himself. He began to stroke them at the same time, while continuing to nibble, suck, and lick John's cock. At this point John is gripping Sherlock's hair and trying to pull him away and stop his enthusiastic activities.
"Sherlock. Sherlock! Oh god. I need-you need to stop. I'm going to come."
Sherlock stopped licking at John and looked up at him. John could see the desire in Sherlock's eyes. He reached out and gently pulled at Sherlock's shoulders and pulled him up his body so that Sherlock was once again sitting astride John's hips. He pulled him down for a kiss. This time their kiss was slow and lazy. There was no rush to it. Sherlock smiled into the kiss and pulled away slowly.
"John, I love you."
"I love you, Sherlock."
They smiled at each other. Sherlock suddenly bent over and began to blindly grope around under the pillow John was leaning against. He sat back up and showed John what he had discovered. In his hand was a condom and a bottle of lube. He grinned triumphantly. John laughed. Of course Sherlock had lube and condoms stored under the couch pillows. John wondered where else Sherlock had hidden them around the house. He would have to find out later.
He was brought back to reality by the sound of the condom wrapper being torn. Sherlock unrolled the condom on John and opened the bottle of lube. He squirted some of the slippery liquid into his hand and spread it around. Once he had enough he reached around and inserted a finger into himself. He groaned as his finger breached his hole. By the time he had inserted a second finger into himself John had recovered from the shock of seeing Sherlock impaling himself with his fingers. Of course John had seen Sherlock have a wank in the past, but he'd never done this. John grabbed the bottle of lube and applied some to his hands. He reached out with one and wrapped it around Sherlock's cock and with the other he traced around Sherlock's entrance. Realizing what John was about to do, Sherlock removed his fingers to make room for John's. John thrust three fingers into Sherlock at the same time that he gave Sherlock a strong stroke. Sherlock thrust into John's hand.
"Please John. I need you in me now. I want to feel you inside me."
John removed his fingers and he moved so that his cock was pressing against Sherlock's eager entrance. Sherlock reached down to grasp John and guided John's cock into his body. Both men shuddered as John penetrated Sherlock.
"Oh god Sherlock, you're so tight. Shit." John knew he wasn't going to last long.
Sherlock slid all the way down John's cock so that he was completely full of John. He slowly began to rock his hips back and forth, relishing in the delicious feeling of John inside him. John reached out and placed his hands on Sherlock's hips signaling for him to stop moving. Sherlock stilled. John pulled up on Sherlock's hips signaling that he wanted Sherlock to not sit on him. Sherlock knelt forward and John thrust into him with enthusiasm.
"Oh yes John!"
John continued to thrust in and out of Sherlock, each time aiming for Sherlock's prostate. As John's cock thrust against his prostate, Sherlock couldn't help but feel proud of himself for falling for John. His lover could always find that spot that sent tingles of pleasure reverberating throughout his body. John wrapped a hand around Sherlock and began to stroke faster as his thrusts became more erratic. Sherlock could see John's muscles tensing as he approached orgasm. John thrust deeply into Sherlock three more times and came with Sherlock's name on his lips. John continued to thrust into him and stroke him as he came. Sherlock could feel that he wasn't far behind.
'So close John. Faster. Harder. Oh god, John, JO-"
Sherlock came, spilling himself all over John's hand and chest. John milked Sherlock of all he had to offer before he pulled Sherlock on top of him for a kiss. Sherlock could feel his come between them. John was still inside of him. John brought a hand up and ran his fingers through the hair on the back of Sherlock's head. They kissed for a bit more and then Sherlock lay his head on John's chest. John wrapped his arms around Sherlock and held him.
They were covered in come and sweat, and smelled of sex, but none of that mattered at that moment. The stayed in that position for a couple more minutes before Sherlock untangled himself from John's embrace. He removed the condom and tossed it in the bin next to the couch. He looked down at John who had a smug expression on his face.
"Why are you looking so smug John. That's my job."
John grinned widely up at Sherlock. "My pickup line worked."
'What?"
'My pickup line worked."
"What do you mean it worked? It was awful!"
"Did we not just have fantastic sex?"
'Well, yes we did, but-"
"Well then, I'd say it worked."
Sherlock groaned. "John, your logic is completely wrong. Your pickup line was not the reason why we had fantastic sex. You're using post hoc ergo propter hoc. It's a logical fallacy."
"Come here you silly man. I don't care about your logic. I wanted sex, I used a pickup line, it resulted in great sex. In my book, that means I was successful. Now, kiss me and take me to the shower. I think we need to clean off."