Not to Be

from Philip Larkin's Aubade

…total emptiness forever,
The sure extinction that we travel to
And shall be lost in always. Not to be here,
Not to be anywhere,
And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true.

Liara sat on a carton, her attention fixed on the view out the open bay of the SSV Shanghai, where beyond the barrier curtain the cruiser's shuttles searched the debris fields for the Normandy's remaining life pods, and for Commander Shepard. Most of the rest of Shepard's team stood and spoke in whispers nearby. Like the rest of the rescued crew, they wore expressions of shock and bore the marks of having escaped the burning ship with only what they had on or had grabbed during the attack.

"It's a slim chance. Did you see the explosions? No one could have survived that."

"I can't believe it, that Shepard …"

"Shh, don't even think it. She survived Elysium, Mindoir. She could survive this. She's Shepard."

"They're still searching. How's Liara holding up? Has she said anything?"

"Not since the pod. It was bad enough seeing the ship blown to bits, but her reaction was like she could feel it. I don't want to think about it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it. You're lucky you were in a different pod."

"Someone should say something to her."

"Like what? What is there to say?"

Tali broke down. Her mask muffled the sounds of her sobs. Garrus awkwardly patted her back. Sometimes he forgot she was just a kid. Wrex stood quietly by Liara. From what he'd overheard, maybe he inferred what the others would not know about Liara's response, its true significance.

It had been four hours since the attack, and all but a few of the pods and 22 of the crew were accounted for. The pods were linked, and according to readings, only one of the remaining pods registered life signs, the command pod. It had 6 seats. It was hoped that at least one, if not both, of the Normandy's commanding officers would be aboard. All rescue efforts now focused on finding it. Liara had been watching the efforts since the pod she'd been in had been rescued. Hers had been one of the last to jettison and to be picked up. Only one other had been brought on board since, and its occupants had disembarked, some needing help because of injuries. No officers had been aboard. Since she'd arrived, many of the crew had come to thank her for making sure they got off the ship, some hugging her in their gratitude and looking to her for guidance. She acknowledged them, asked how they were doing, but otherwise sat silent and still, maintaining the appearance of calm but deep attention to the activity going on outside the ship.

A few of the Normandy's crew kept busy. Kaidan, as the Normandy's ranking officer so far, kept track of who'd been recovered and their condition. He checked in with each, and made sure all information stayed current, coordinating with Shanghai command to ensure the Normandy crew would receive toiletries, a change of clothes, adequate rations and sleeping quarters. Chakwas worked with the Shanghai's medical team, trying to prevent further casualties. Some of the healthy among the Normandy crew helped wherever they saw the opportunity, while others huddled in small groups, comforting one another and sharing what they knew about who had made it and who had not, and what they had been doing when the attack came and how they had escaped. There were more than a few tearful reunions as people found each other on the deck. All waited, their hopes pinned on the last pod.

The crew of the Shanghai had limited experience with aliens, having only recently been assigned outside the Sol system. The aliens now on board caused a stir secondary only to the destruction of the Normandy and possibly of its famous Spectre. Shepard's team was well known from the vids, though not met with approval among the more anthropocentric. Many did not bother to keep their voices low as they walked past where Liara sat.

"The turians killed my grandfather. I never thought I'd be on the same ship as one and not shoot it."

"Why did Commander Shepard have them on her team? Was it political? The blue one is from the top council race. What are they called again?"

"The turians are on the council too. But why that big ugly reptile one?"

"That one in the suit could almost be human, until you see her hands and feet. That freaks me out."

"I think it was symbolic, to show we're ready to live in the larger world space travel opened up. Some of us, anyway."

"They're supposed to allies, but they left our colonies to fend for themselves when the geth attacked."

"Didn't you see the vids where they received medals with Shepard? Show some respect."

"The crew says the asari helped save nearly everyone onboard, except for Shepard. The brass will probably give her a medal, unless the Commander is dead. Why do you think she didn't…?"

"Maybe it was revenge. I heard she was related to one of the enemy leaders, and was a captive until…."

"They found it! They found it! I can't wait to tell folks back home that I helped save the first human Spectre, after she saved the Citadel. Do you think she'll let me shake her hand?"

As the commotion increased, Liara remained where she was, Wrex beside her. She watched Kaidan and Chakwas part the growing crowd and move to the front when the pod finally came in sight and the cruiser and shuttle maneuvered to bring it aboard. Tali stood on another of the cartons to get a better view, and the mood in the bay switched from weary and anxious to expectant. Liara closed her eyes and exhaled slowly before she reopened them. The docking clamps closed around the side of the pod and pulled it in, positioning it for ease of access, and the cry that the captain was on deck rang out. Alliance members automatically snapped to attention as the Shanghai's captain strode through the bay in his dress blues. A senior staff member ordered the crew to fall in, and ranks formed. Silence descended. The Captain gestured for Chakwas and Kaidan and another of his medical crew to join him, and stepped forward to release the pod's hatch. With the sound of decompression, the hatch swung open, and the Captain stepped inside, then Chakwas. A long moment later, the Captain and Chakwas stepped back out, supporting a limp and red-eyed Joker, who wouldn't look up as his crewmates cheered. Leaving Joker to Chakwas, who supported him as they moved slowly through the cleared path toward the elevator at the back of the bay, the Captain stepped forward and spoke briefly to Kaidan, who vigorously shook his head. Murmurs ran through the ranks as no one else emerged. The Captain placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, then let it fall as he turned.

Without a word, he reached up to his left epaulette, undid and pulled his insignia off that shoulder. When he did, from the back of the cargo bay came a single plaintive note, one recognized immediately by all the humans there. Two more notes followed, as a uniformed officer holding a twisted metal instrument to her lips blew into it, sounding slow sets of three rising notes, holding the last of each three for a long time before switching to sets of three falling notes. As the officer played, one by one, every uniformed Alliance member present reached up and removed whatever insignia or token they could on their left side as well. When the song had ended, in the ensuing silence, the Captain stepped forward. He spoke loudly and clearly as he addressed the crowd with his gruff voice. "Let the ship's logs note that on this, the 7th of November, 2183, the Systems Alliance and the galaxy has lost its truest champion and defender, the Spectre Commander Rachel Shepard." Sobs were heard among the ranks, and whispers, and the Captain stopped and waited until order returned before he continued. "We are diminished by her loss and that of the others of her crew." He took a datapad held out to him by one of his crew and read the names, so many names. "We will remember and honor their sacrifice through our service and the holding dear of the freedom they helped secure." He stopped, a tear sliding down his cheek. "To the Normandy crew here assembled, you may count the Shanghai as your home and post. We share your loss, and welcome you aboard. You are dismissed to food and quarters."

The hubbub grew. Liara didn't move. Tali sat down beside her and slipped an arm around her waist, placing her head against Liara's shoulder. Liara reached a hand up to touch the side of Tali's mask and continued to stare out into space, to where the sun glinted around the shadow of a nearby planet, until the shuttles had all returned and they had closed the bay door. By then, only Shepard's team and those of the Shanghai crew assigned to clear and stow gear remained.

Kaidan came over. He sat on the other side of Liara, looking down at the floor. She reached out and took his hand. He held hers as if it would break. After awhile, he asked, "Can I help you find a place?" She closed her eyes. The weight on her chest threatened to crush her.

"Get off her," Wrex ordered, stepping in and swatting Kaidan and Tali aside. He reached down and swept Liara up in his arms and strode toward the elevator. Liara kept her eyes closed and leaned against his chest.

About an hour later, Doctor Chakwas stood outside the tiny private quarters Wrex had "arranged" for Liara. Meaning he had terrorized a young human lieutenant out of the room, placed Liara in it and taken up guard outside, growling at anyone who approached. He let the Doctor enter. "About time," he muttered.

Doctor Chakwas knelt by Liara as she sat up on the bed. She hadn't been sleeping, just curled up in a ball. Chakwas looked her over, then scanned her. Flipping the omni-tool off after a few minutes, Chakwas sat with Liara for a while before asking, "Liara, do you want to talk about what happened in the escape pod?"

Liara slowly sat. "No," she said softly, chewing on her bottom lip, her eyes on her hands.

"Is there anything I can do?" Chakwas touched the back of Liara's hand.

Liara shook her head.

"They're taking us to the Citadel, to be debriefed by High Command. There will be asari doctors and specialists there. I think it would be wise for you to see one. I would like to accompany you, as your friend as well as your physician." Chakwas sounded hoarse as she spoke, and Liara glanced over. Dark circles ringed Chakwas' eyes, and she looked old. But concern and compassion were also clearly evident.

"That is very kind, Karin, but this is not something medicine can help." Liara focused her gaze at her own lap.

"Do you know what it is?" Chakwas asked.

"Yes." Liara blinked slowly, her shoulders rounded under the weight she felt.

"Whatever you tell me, I always hold in the strictest confidence, as you know." Chakwas had mastered the art of waiting and holding a silence. She used those skills now.

"I…," Liara's voice trailed off. She looked at the opposite wall. "I had … bonded with her."

Chakwas waited a long while before asking for the clarification she needed, making sure to show her support. "You two had joined? I thought as much, and I was glad. You were good for one another. You made each other happy. But Liara, I don't understand. Why would that result in such a …" she sought for a word to adequately describe what she'd witnessed Liara go through in the pod, and found none, "… pained … response after the last explosions?"

Even knowing their intent, the words pierced Liara's heart like daggers. "No, I mean… yes, we had joined, but that's not the reason." A dark purple flush spread up her neck and her cheeks. "She…" Liara stumbled, her voice strangling to a thin whisper at the realization of what word she had to use next, "was … my soul."

Chakwas gasped as she realized what Liara was telling her. It stunned her. A thousand questions pressed on her. The two had only known each other for less than a year. And surely Liara was too young. When had they reached such a momentous decision? Why hadn't they asked for advice or told anyone? What aftercare did having that kind of connection severed require? Tired as Chakwas was, her mind raced at the implications. Anger flared up in her toward Shepard for dying, for not getting in the pod with Jeff. In her fatigue, she expressed her anger out loud before she could catch herself. "With all the risks she knew she faced every day, how could she be so selfish?"

A dry sob wracked Liara, and she momentarily doubled over. "She wasn't." She straightened, though the weight on her heart was more than she could bear. "I was. I … pushed too deep, took so much. She didn't ... know." The last word was the hardest. Its sharp edges tore at her throat. "I didn't either… until I felt ... when she…." She couldn't say it. It was too fresh. And what she'd done, without permission, was taboo. She crumpled over in agony. For it to have happened, for her to have done it to the woman she loved, the pain wracked her, dry sobs of deep despair welling up, and this time they wouldn't stop. The knowledge of what she'd done confirmed everything she'd ever feared about herself. Confessing it made it real.

Seeing Liara in such anguish took Chakwas' breath away. She had grown quite fond of the asari during her time on the Normandy, and in the escape pod and now, witnessing such raw pain threatened even her well-practiced professional composure. She gathered the shuddering asari to her, rocking her in her arms. However it had happened didn't matter now, it had, and Shepard wasn't here to help, so she would, as much as she could. "Oh my dear, my poor, poor dear. Oh you dear sweet one." She closed her eyes, tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks. "I know she loved you very, very much. You brought her to life, gave her joy. Knowing her stubbornness, I'm positive it wouldn't have even been possible for you to do any such thing if she hadn't wanted it."

Liara wished with all her heart that what Chakwas said was true. Centuries of doubt and regret stretched vertiginously before her with the prospect that she'd never attain any certainty about that. She'd taken and lost a bondmate, within the space of a month, and no one but Chakwas could ever know.

Late in the morning, Kaidan stopped by. Wrex growled at him, but that didn't discourage him. Unlike most of the other humans on board, Kaidan wasn't afraid of him. He knew Wrex too well.

"May I come in?" he asked, knocking on the door jamb after the door slid open.

Liara nodded.

"How are you doing, Liara? Is everyone treating you alright?" Kaidan sat on the bed beside her, and she stood.

"What do you want, Kaidan?" Her clothes were crumpled, he noticed, and there were shadows under her bloodshot eyes.

He rose, ran his hand through his hair. It hadn't been easy to come to see her, but he wanted her to know he cared. "I want to make sure you're ok. This can't be easy for you."

The sick, kicked varren look in his eyes made her angry. If he expected her to say she was fine, or to talk about Shepard, he would wait a long time. "Is that all?"

"I thought you should know the Alliance brass are reassigning everyone to separate posts, except… well.." Kaidan had the grace to look uncomfortable.

"Except for 'the aliens,' " Liara said bitterly. "I didn't fight for the Alliance, I fought because I believe what she said. I've seen her visions and know it's true. The Reapers are coming. We have to find a way to stop them. That is our mission." Her throat tightened. "It's what she'd want us to do. We have to keep fighting. Do they know yet who attacked us?"

"Not yet, the ship was long gone by the time the Shaghai arrived, and the shuttles were able to track its signature only so far. They're still searching, but I don't have much hope. We just don't have as many ships since the Citadel attack, and they're stretched pretty thin." Kaidan frowned. Liara recognized the signs that indicated one of his headaches. "Look, Liara, I want to ask you—do you have a place to go? I mean I know you lost your mother and now... If you need a place, I'm sure you could stay with my parents in Vancouver. They have a nice farm. It's peaceful there, and my dad is retired military; he's lost people and would understand, give you space and quiet. We would be honored…. Look, you know what I mean right? This sounded a lot less awkward in my head."

Liara closed her eyes, the crushing weight returning. Humans never ceased to amaze her, what they were and weren't sensitive to. "Thank you, Kaidan," she managed to say. "It's very kind of you to offer." She even managed to mean it.

Tali came by that evening. This was the conversation Liara dreaded most. She knew the young quarian idolized Shepard. To Liara's discomfort, Tali had sometimes sought details from her as if to live vicariously in Shepard's bed. It had made their otherwise friendly relationship somewhat strained of late. Liara really hoped the quarian would have the tact to not ask for details now, but she was very young. Liara braced herself.

"So Liara…." Tali wrung her hands nervously, pulling on and twisting a finger.

"Tali." Liara strove to center herself and exude calm. "Are they treating you well?"

"Yes. Engineer Adams has arranged to take me on a tour of the engine room later. And the ship is crowded and noisy. I like that." Tali looked around the room. "How did you get private quarters?"

"I don't know," Liara answered truthfully.

"Would you like a roommate? It's probably not good for you to be alone right now." Tali looked around the room as she spoke.

There was only one narrow bed. Liara wondered if Tali expected them to share. "No, I like the silence."

"Ah … right." Tali fidgeted.

A long silence.

Liara relented. Maybe there was more going on than she knew. She should give her the benefit of the doubt. They were teammates and friends. "Where have they put you and the others?"

"We're mostly sharing crew quarters, bunkbeds, co-ed."

"Is it suitable for you?"

"Well, yes."

"But?"

"Humans snore. Very loudly. And the males can be very rude."

Liara thought of Ashley, and the first few months they'd been on the ... She stopped herself there, but she doubted very much that only the males could be rude. "If you ask for private quarters, surely they could accommodate you for the short time we're on the ship."

"That's a good idea. I'll ask. Maybe Engineer Adams or Kaidan could arrange it. Some place by the engine would be nice. And ... I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"It came out sounding like I was only thinking of myself. I worry about you being alone, it doesn't seem healthy, though I know you used to be alone on digs all the time, but it's been awhile, and you've gotten used to …. I wish I could make you feel better. She cared about you, and she's gone, and I can't believe it, but she'd want us to … I should probably just stop talking now, shouldn't I?"

"Yes." Liara struggled to say that much.

Tali took a deep breath. After a moment, she continued more slowly, "I forgot to thank you for helping me get to the pod, you know, when…. I'm beginning to lose count of all the times you've saved my life."

"We're teammates, Tali. That's what we do. You've saved my life, too. Especially on…" Liara stopped. Everything anyone said, even herself, had become a minefield.

"Noveria, I know." Tali placed a hand over the one in Liara's lap. "Liara?"

Liara just looked at her.

"Did you see her? Before, I mean."

Liara closed her eyes. "Yes."

"Where was she? Why didn't she make it? She never…. It wasn't like her. I keep going over it and over it in my mind and I don't see how…. I don't understand why she didn't make it to an escape pod. " Tali's voice was soft and caught in the middle. Liara heard her pain. She felt it too, and the crushing weight.

"I don't either, Tali." Liara felt like her skin was on fire, especially her eyes. She closed them and clenched her fists.

From the open doorway, Wrex spoke. "Ok, that's enough. Out."

"No, Wrex," Chakwas said quietly from where she'd joined him. "These are questions High Command will also ask, and that everyone on the Normandy wants to know. Any light you can shed on the Commander's final moments…"

"Don't ask me that," Liara whispered. "You don't know what you're asking." When she opened her eyes, they were full of pain.

"I said that's enough." Wrex gripped Chakwas' arm. "Shepard's gone. That's more than anyone needs to know. It wasn't Liara's fault. She had more reason than anyone to save her if she could, and she would have, if it were possible. So go." He gave the woman a push.

Chakwas yielded, then walked back to the doorway. "I'm sorry, Liara, I stated that poorly. What I meant is that it would be better if you talked about what you can with your friends. There will be many others who know you less well and care less about you who will be asking, in official capacities. It might be wise to share what you can first with people who know and care about you very much, like Tali. Everyone is trying to piece together what kept Shepard from getting to a pod."

"Ask Jeff," Liara snarled. She was glad their paths had not crossed. As much as she had so many questions to ask him, she didn't trust herself to do that yet. With that flare of anger, however, she understood what Chakwas meant. People were probably feeling the same toward her, thinking she knew, or that she had delayed Shepard. And she had.

"We will." Chakwas responded softly. "But now we're asking you."

Liara looked at her in absolute misery, but nodded to show she understood. "We were together when the alarm came, and the blast." That moment remained vivid. She closed her eyes briefly, to hide the surge of feelings the memory evoked. How impossible to fathom it had been only hours ago, less than a day.

"Sleeping?" Tali asked.

"Tali," Chakwas said sternly, watching Liara school her expression.

"She was quicker responding." When the deck dropped sickeningly beneath them with the sound of rending metal, it had thrown them out of the bed. Rachel had found her feet almost immediately. Liara remembered the flash of fire reflecting off Rachel's face and bare legs and arms as her aphrodisia glanced back at her from the doorway. She'd followed her, copied her in getting on her armor, but while she had, she'd lost sight of her. Remembering the sharp stab of panic she'd fought down, Liara wrapped her arms around her abdomen. "After I'd gotten my armor on, I found her trying to launch the distress beacon." Liara could see again the flames licking up the walls all around Shepard as she put her helmet on. "I told her that Joker was refusing to leave, and she said she'd take care of him. She told me to go, and I told her I wouldn't leave her, but I did," Liara whispered, looking at no one. "She ordered me to go, to help evacuate people, and I went." She drew in a deep shuddering breath. Chakwas' eyes teared up in sympathy. "I did, but I should never have left her!" Her misery overwhelmed her, and she bent over, head between her hands. Every step away from Rachel seemed the worst of betrayals. It was no comfort now that she had thought Rachel would leave with Joker. She had known long before the pod had been found that she had not. She had felt her die, afraid and alone, had felt her torn away.

"Happy now?" Wrex asked angrily.

"Oh, Liara," Tali patted Liara on the back, completely at a loss and wondering if she would have done the same. "I don't know what to say." She wanted to believe that if it had been her, things would have turned out differently. She wouldn't have left Shepard; she would have saved her. Liara hadn't even really tried. Tali took a deep breath. "Nothing can be changed now. It is what it is." She shook her head slowly in sorrow. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

"GET OUT!" Liara screamed.

Liara couldn't sleep. When she bothered to measure time at all, it was by how long it had been since she'd seen Shepard. It all blurred. The company she could bear grew less and less. Wrex remained her constant guard, bringing her food and occasionally forcing her to eat. Every now and then, he'd tell a war story for her amusement, not expecting a response. She could relax around him. Somehow, he understood. Maybe also having a long lifespan made him sensitive to what she was feeling, or he had lost a bondmate too. Liara suspected it was that. Tali and Garrus would come by, or she'd see them when she'd walk the ship, but it was awkward. She didn't talk with them, smile at them, could not try to go on as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed. Everything had changed. She'd lost everything that ever mattered to her, and the one reason it had made any sense. She couldn't find the energy to care if they thought she was distant and cold. They thought they understood her grief. They'd loved Shepard too, they told her. They didn't understand; she didn't want to share Shepard anymore, and she didn't want to be distracted. Chakwas came and sat with her daily; she was the one that started Liara taking walks. They'd go across the ship together and not say anything, and Liara would relax, knowing this one human was aware of her secret and did not judge her, that this one woman understood as much as any human could. She knew Karin had really cared about Shepard, and that she grieved, but she didn't try to lay special claim, or wrap Shepard up and take her away in words. Kaidan avoided Liara most of the time, which was good. Seeing him sad made her angry. Or maybe spending so much time with Wrex explained why her temper had started to resemble his.

The idea began to form in Liara's mind to spend no more time with short-lived species in the future, especially humans. Being surrounded by so many was overwhelming, and worse. On one walk with Chakwas she saw a familiar figure among the soldiers going the other way in the large, crowded corridor. The short dark hair, the confident stride, the way the woman moved. These Liara would know anywhere. Her heart leapt at the sight. The nightmarish week vanished like the bad dream it was. Liara took off after the woman without a word to the Doctor, picking up her pace to catch up, losing her in the crowd, pushing through. Wanting to call her name, ask her to wait, but afraid to, Liara finally caught up with her, grabbed her shoulder, spun her around, and stared expectantly into … a stranger's startled face. The woman backed away and left her frozen there, experiencing the loss anew.

The Doctor came and led her away, refusing to leave her side until she'd eaten a whole meal, or very nearly. Chakwas walked with her to her room, and injected her with something to make her sleep. It didn't help. In her dreams she searched the Normandy for Shepard down one corridor after another, sometimes with the ship in flames. She sought her and never found her, devastated to find herself in Shepard's quarters, alone. Waking, it got worse. She kept thinking she saw Shepard out of the corner of her eye, she'd recognize her in some glimpse and more than once followed after someone who turned out not to be her. She saw how people were starting to look at her, with pity, with fear. The Doctor spent more and more time with her, looking worried. Liara began to avoid everyone and to keep to her room.

Before they reached the Citadel, Liara knew what she had to do. She had to find Shepard.