a.n.-This story follows my last fic, "If You Were". You don't have to read both to understand the main story line, but it might be helpful.

I leaned over the railing to look out over the water, reaching back to take my hair out of it's clip. "My rings from Derek are floating around here somewhere. Or should I say sinking? Like the marriage?"

"You're thinking about that now?" Meredith asked, swatting me playfully in the arm.

"Don't I have to?" I answered, shooting her a quick look before glancing out over the water. "Hello? Getting married in two weeks?"

"Exactly," she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the railing to a nearby bench. "So I'm sort of thinking now may not be the best time to think about that first marriage. Just a thought."

I held back a snort of laughter. "Is this weird for you?"

"What?"

"Talking about my marriage to Derek."

"We aren't," she shrugged. "At least, you aren't."

"Point taken, point taken."

I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a paper clipped bundle of pictures. Flipping through them, I looked at the bridesmaid's dresses. "You like them, right? I mean, the colors okay?"

"Addie," she said, "the colors are fine. Everything's fine. I don't know what you're so worried about."

I shook my head, shoving the pictures back into my purse before I could look at them yet again. My cell phone rang, and I picked it up, looking at the Caller ID. Alex. I pushed the silence button and shoved it down into the bottom of the bag.

"Addie?"

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked gently.

"Nothing," I replied a little too quickly. "I'm fine."

"People who say 'I'm fine' in that manner and tone of voice are never fine," she insisted. "Now you called me, and you wanted to talk, so spill."

I picked at the loose skin around my thumb nail as I said, "I'm just scared, Mer, I'll be okay."

"What are you scared of?"

"This whole thing, getting married, talking…being honest."

"You haven't told him, have you?"

"How do I tell the love of my life that I'm being told I will never have his child? I mean, how do you say that to someone?" I threw my hands in the air in frustration. "I feel like a failure, I feel like something's wrong with me…like I'm not whole, like I'm not enough woman for him, I mean, how do I tell him that?"

"Exactly like you just said it sounds okay. You can't have kids, Addie, that doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you can't have kids. And honestly, there are millions of kids out there waiting to be adopted. If it's really what you guys want…"

"I don't know what I want," I replied. "I had this stupid idea in my head that I might be pregnant, but, of course, I'm not. I can't be. Ever."

"You need to tell him. You need to tell him," she repeated. "You can't get married without telling him."

"Pretty much figured that out," I nodded. "I'll do it tonight. I promise."

OooooooooooooooO

It was three nights before when we had the first talk.

"I know what she said," I whispered, unwrapping the test from the package. "But I know what I feel too. And I know that I'm late. So maybe we'll get lucky. Miracles can happen, Miracles can happen to me. I have hope."

I pulled the instructions out of the box and unfolded them. Pee on a stick. Wait five minutes. "Two pink lines equals a baby. I could go for a baby."

I followed the instructions, placing the test on the bathroom counter. I looked at my watch. "Four minutes and fifty eight seconds."

"Hey," Alex said, sticking his hand in the bathroom. "What are you doing?"

I whipped around with my back to the counter, dropping the box into the garbage behind me with one hand, and using the other to shove the test into the sink. "Nothing. Woman stuff."

"Which is it?" he laughed. Craning his neck, he tried to look into the sink. "Whatcha got there?"

As he reached around me, I tried to swat his hand. "Alex, I…"

He latched on to the test and pulled it out of the sink. "A pregnancy test?" he cried excitedly. "Addie, are we…?"

We both looked down at the test. One pink line. No baby. "No," I whispered, pulling the test out of his hand and chucking it into the garbage. "We aren't."

"Oh." He hung his head for a minute before coming closer to me and pushing me into a sitting position on the counter. "Oh," he said again, his voice taking on a sexier quality. "We could fix that."

"Hey, Addie," Alex said, shutting the front door of the apartment as he threw his bag on the floor. "What are you up to?"

"Not much," I answered, folding my legs up underneath me on the couch. "I just...Can we talk about something?"

"Sure." He hung his jacket on the hook behind the door and came over to the couch, dropping beside me. "What's up?"

"The other night…what you walked in on…"

"What do you mean? The pregnancy test thing?"

"Yeah…I…" I stumbled on my words, feeling the thickness of everything I hadn't said flood my mouth.

"It's okay that you aren't. After you're married, we'll have all the time in the world for that. We don't have to worry about it now."

"That's the thing, Alex," I said down to pillow in my lap, unable to meet his eyes. "We…don't."

"What do you mean?" His handsome features creased into a frown of confusion.

"I don't think…I had some tests done…I…"

Alex grabbed my chin as I stuttered and turned my face to his. "It's okay. You can say whatever it is, it won't change anything."

"I can't have kids."

"Ever?"

"Probably not. My counts were way down when I had tests done a couple years ago, it just doesn't seem that I'm very…fertile."

"And the other night?"

"I was hoping," I responded, smiling weakly. "I was hoping they were wrong."

"Okay," he nodded. "Okay."

"Are we okay?"

"I guess," he answered, much less enthusiastically than I was hoping for. "I just need…to think." He got up off the couch and went to the screen door that led to the deck. One hand on the door, he turned to face me over his shoulder. "I just feel sort of lied to," he mumbled before opening the door and disappearing onto the deck.