A/N: What can I say? It's not exactly crack, just my own brand of Kishimoto-flavored humor and then some.
Recurring Japanese words:
Ganbare - do your best (but ganbare just has that ummph to it)
Dattebayo - Naruto's signature manner of ending his speech which translates to something like "I tell ya!" (the Japanese is just more Naruto)
-teme- literally means 'you' but very rude form
Four Idiots
By Yui
1
Tee-hee-hee.. steaming… flavor-rich... broth… mmm…
Firm noodles… tamago… extra chaashuu…
And of course… naruto…
Tee-hee-hee…
Naruto was practically floating toward Konoha's front gates, giggling and drooling as he imagined the taste and aroma of piping hot ramen in an extra large bowl. The A-rank mission he was assigned to kept him on the road for weeks. He was very eager to get his hands on his absolute bestest super ichiban favorite dish in the world. The second he crossed the entrance with his team, however, he was immediately singled out by gate sentries Kotetsu and Izumo. "Naruto, you're summoned at the Tower."
"Okay, I'll just grab lunch and - "
"No," Izumo cut in. "Hokage-sama made it clear that you are to report as soon as you arrive."
Raaameeeeeehn…
The image sunk to oblivion with a faint wheeze replaced by Tsunade's cyclone-swept yellow hair, flaming eyes and frightening roar, NAARUUTOHHH! *Kaboom*
*Sigh*
There was no benefit in disobeying the grumpy old granny these days. Naruto might have gotten away with it a few times in the past but he couldn't risk it anymore, not if he was to be the sixth hokage by Tsunade-baachan's endorsement. It seemed more and more people were vying for the position of late. And he had tripped too many wires from the Sannin member's patience monitor already.
Naruto grudgingly proceeded to the tower with a rumbling stomach and a pronounced scowl. He was extra miffed after watching Sakura and Sasuke go the opposite direction to have lunch... alone... together... Grr...
Brr…He shook his head briskly to brush unpleasant thoughts away before he entered the Hokage's office. He spotted Sai and Rock Lee seated on a sofa by a corner nook to his left. Naruto didn't even wonder if a sofa ever existed inside the Hokage's office, or a nook. His attention was immediately caught by something else. "Eh? What's Gaara doing here?"
Tsunade's eye twitched at the knucklehead's overly casual address of the Kazekage, not to mention the rude question he just posed.
Gaara didn't seem to notice. He was leaning on the wall by the protruding corner near where the sofa was located perpendicularly behind him. His arms were crossed while mulling over the problem at hand. He had traveled a long distance to Konoha, a place he had not gone back to since the Chuunin Exams many years before. A chill went down his spine whenever he thought of his dark deeds back then. He felt an even greater chill now as he pondered on his would be task in the weeks ahead.
Suna was handed a joint mission with Konoha that neither village could refuse simply because a high monetary offer was presented to their councils. The hidden villages of the Alliance, after all, had suffered huge financial setback because of the 4th war.
To Gaara's discontent, he was personally assigned to said mission. To make matters worse, he was required to work with three Konoha shinobi who were just as badly qualified for the job as he. At least, that's the impression he got from the Hokage's constant groans and murmurs in the last half-hour. And to think he was initially eager to escape the mounds of paperwork in his office and get into some action.
"Naruto," Tsunade began. "You are to go on a mission with Rock Lee, Sai and the Kazekage."
"Sure," Naruto said. "But can I have lunch first? I'm famished."
"Tsk!" Tsunade's click of the tongue told Naruto he was treading on thin ice again. "Gaara-san and the client have been waiting for over an hour for you! You can eat later!" Tsunade glared when she caught Naruto about to mouth off at this. "You'll need to be briefed now on what you have to do. Your training will have to start immediately."
"Training?" Naruto's ears perked at the word. He had already improved the Rasengan multi-levels up, Sennin-mode, Kyuubi-mode, number of shadow clones up to 1,261. Even his sexy no jutsu had taken on a kinky form that Jiraiya would swim out from his watery grave to get a nosebleed over it if only he could. The Ero-Sennin's apprentice had grown indeed. However, a new technique to be learned always got Naruto excited. He was suddenly very interested.
"Sit over there," Tsunade snarled.
Naruto awkwardly complied. He walked over to the old black sofa and scooted between Sai and Lee. He noticed that the two were somewhat in a daze. They just spent the last half-hour being briefed ahead of Naruto. The mission was still as alien to them as an ipod.
A lanky man in his 30's, wearing a gray trench coat over a dark business suit, was seated directly before them, 'the client', Naruto assumed.
With his forefinger, the man raised the bridge of his wide-brimmed eyeglasses to a better angle and eyed Naruto critically. "My name is Aoyama," he said with a foreign accent. "And I suppose, like the others here, you haven't heard of Yonbaka either." His tone was that of someone who considered such ignorance a direct affront to his person.
"Errhmm..." Naruto's voice trailed off as he wondered if the name rang a bell.
The thin bespectacled man exhaled his disappointment. "Yonbaka is currently the most popular raku band in the world." Raku band, yes, that's how he said it.
Naruto mouthed an 'aah' with a slow up-nod of understanding while trying hard not to laugh at how stupid a name Yonbaka was for a rock band...or for anything.
"The band was supposed to go on a world tour two months from now," Aoyama continued. "But three months ago, the four members disappeared. We received a ransom note a day later informing us they were kidnapped."
"Ah, so the mission is to rescue them," Naruto concluded.
"No. A day later, we found out they kidnapped themselves."
"So...you want us to capture them not rescue them?"
"No, we already captured them." Aoyama turned exasperatedly toward Tsunade for some assistance.
Naruto had a look of annoyed confusion. He turned to Sai to his right then Lee to his left. No reaction. He could only see part of Gaara's back and right shoulder from where he was.
"Naruto," Tsunade called. "Don't keep interrupting. Just be quiet and listen."
Aoyama watched Naruto turn his attention forward again. It was dreadfully tiresome to have to start from the beginning just for the sake of this tardy boy. The two beside him were just as interruptive earlier, which dragged his introduction on for the past thirty minutes that prevented him from getting to the more important details. But he had to be patient. There was no one else. He raised the bridge of his glasses again. "They are already in custody," he repeated. "But since we can no longer trust them, I had to find suitable replacements immediately." He then pointed at a photo on the table.
Funny, Naruto didn't even notice it was a photograph at first, just a colorful ornamental piece. And he was too distracted by the way Aoyama's thick brown frizzy hair waved up and down as he spoke.
Upon closer look, Naruto found that the photo was of four guys with musical instruments and flashy poses. A sign above their heads read YONBAKA in bright red letters framed by light bulbs. The four figures, despite the heavy eyeliner, distinctly resembled each one of the shinobi assigned to the task. Naruto couldn't miss Gaara's look-alike, at least, on account of the thick eyeliner, only he had…eyebrows...
A whisker-less Naruto-look-alike was standing in the middle, in a playing stance with a lead guitar. Gaara-look-alike was beside him with a bass guitar slung parallel on his back. Rock Lee-look-alike at the far right had a keyboard positioned perpendicular to his body below his waist. The keyboard was attached guitar-like with a leather strap that hung over his neck. Finally at the far left, Sai-look-alike was holding up a pair of drumsticks over his chest. They had on respective leather pants of leopard, zebra, cheetah and hyena(?) prints (hard to be sure). Snake-skin boots and ripped black or white shirts completed the glam rock look. Oh and enough metal chains to make one wonder if they could still move with all that weight on them. What added to the shimmering brightness were the multicolored kimonos each one had on. But only the sleeves and part of the silky front lining were showing as the frocks were parted fully to reveal the rocker garment inside.
Gaara's face dimmed when he first laid eyes on the photo. He knew there was a reason Temari and Kankuro were sniggering as they saw him off. "It will be a very good experience for you, Gaara," they said. "Ganbare! Teeheeheermph…" It was a bad idea to let them be in charge of assigning missions.
We're gonna be in a rock band... Naruto thought wistfully. *ding* Money *ding* Fame *ding* Free food *ding* Fangirls *ding* Girls! Girls! Girls! *ding ding ding*
"Naruto..." Sai called.
"Eh?"
"You're drooling."
Naruto's hands scrambled to wipe saliva off his chin.
"You must be very hungry, huh, Naruto-kun?" Lee whispered sympathetically. "Hang in there," he encouraged.
"Uh...yeah…hungry," Naruto replied sheepishly. "Yeah," he said, addressing Aoyama confidently. "I can be in a rock band, sure," he exclaimed. Those screaming girls will make Sakura-chan extremely jealous-dattebayo. Sasuke too. Tee-hee-hee...I can't wait to let them know…hehehe…
"Naruto..."
"Yeah, Sai?"
"Drool."
Aoyama observed Naruto with interest. This one seemed more normal than the others. At least he had a better reaction than Gaara who generally remained stoic but whose eyes took on a dark piercing look at times that made Aoyama's hair stand on end. The one named Rock Lee was over-eager to do anything and kept declaring it was the springtime of his youth. It was doubtful he had ever laid a finger on a keyboard. And that Sai fellow thought a raku band was a headband made out of rocks. Earlier, the latter two were more curious at having shadow clones without the benefit of a henge jutsu, whatever shadow clone and henge jutsu were. It seemed to Aoyama like he was talking to aliens.
These shinobi were a strange lot indeed. At that point, Aoyama knew he'd have to start from scratch to make them convincing replacements for the popular group his agency had so painstakingly developed and promoted. He was determined to do it. He had come all this way to find the right faces. After all, something very important was at stake.
Aoyama cleared his throat to get everyone's attention and to snap Naruto out of his day-dreaming. "Do you know how to play a guitar?" he asked Naruto to which he already knew the answer. These shinobi were sadly lacking in artistic inclinations. "It's really not a problem if you can't," he said. "You only need to act like you do. You will just have to start learning the basic movements with your assigned instruments as soon as possible."
"Great!" Naruto said happily. "I've always wanted to learn how to play a guitar. I mean how hard can it be? It can't be as tough as molding chakra and forming an O-dama out of air, right?"
"Right!" Lee agreed. "I will train very hard to play the keyboard! I will be the fastest, strongest keyboard player in the world!"
"Ano…," Aoyama interrupted. "I don't think you understand what I just said. You need not really play the instruments. You just have to act like you are. Pre-recorded music will play while you are on stage." And what the heck does being strongest and fastest have to do with anything?
"Even so," Rock Lee, said. "I will be -"
"Lee!"
"Hai! Tsunade-sama!"
"Let Aoyama-san continue."
"Hai!"
"As I was saying," Aoyama said. "You need not play for real. The band is just a front for our agency."
"Front?" Naruto asked. "Agency…You mean…"
"We are the Yonkoku International Police Intelligence Agency," Aoyama revealed, finally glad to get to the point. "We monitor criminal activity within the four great nations of the eastern hemisphere beyond the great sea far from the five great countries of this side of the world."
That elicited hushed "Oohs" from Aoyama's listeners that gave him a degree of proud satisfaction. Great! Now we move on. "The concert tour was set up to follow the trail of a syndicate that operates exclusive underground clubs around our four-country jurisdiction."
Gaara suddenly took interest. Aoyama only got as far as introducing the men in the photograph while waiting for Naruto. He spent the rest of the time answering Lee and Sai's questions about the strange outfits and clarifying that none of the accessories doubled as weapons. So… it wasn't as ridiculously lame and insulting to Gaara's abilities as he originally thought.
"It took us a whole year to make the band legitimately popular in order to have access to those clubs," Aoyama said before shaking his head ruefully. "But we experienced a major holdup. Those four aren't real agents, you see. We just recruited them to act as a front. They were good at performing and got extremely popular overtime but the fame went to their heads. They wanted to cash in early so they thought up a scheme to hold themselves for ransom knowing how valuable they were to us. They seem to have forgotten they were working for an intelligence agency, the idiots!"
"Well, then," Naruto said, clapping his hands to his knees excitedly. "You have nothing more to worry about. "You not only have a rock band for a front, you've just hired real-life shinobi who can help you nab that syndicate."
"Aah…yes…uhm…" Another misunderstanding, Aoyama figured. These shinobi think they're so great. We, the Yonkoku International Police Intelligence Agency or YIPIA (pronounced 'yee-pee-ai-ei'), don't need jutsu-rubbish to do our work! He would have to make that very clear. "You are not to participate in the investigation. We just need you to act as a front."
Gaara's temporarily raised hopes deflated. I knew it.
"Oh," Naruto mouthed. That's disappointing. But that's okay. I'll still be in a rock band…fangirls, here I come…Watch me, Sakura-chan…Squirm in envy, Sasuke-teme! Hehe...
"There's one last thing," Aoyama said. "How are you with delivering punch-lines?"
"What's a punch-line?" Sai asked.
"We're a rock band, why do we have to deliver punch-lines?" Naruto asked.
And yet another misunderstanding. "You are not a rock band," Aoyama said.
"Huh?" Naruto uttered. "But you said - "
"As I said earlier, Yonbaka is a raku band.
"…"
"In other words, a rakugo band."
"Rakugo?"
"Yes, a comedy act. The rock band get-up is a gag. The instruments are just props. They're comedians that each perform rakugo between songs and make people laugh. We pioneered the combination of the traditional and the modern in entertainment," Aoyama said proudly. "The novelty is the reason why Yonbaka is very popular among the very wealthy middle to senior age groups."
"Huh?"
"The music is, of course, pre-recorded but the rakugo has to be delivered live. Do you understand?"
Four mouths hanging open told Aoyama they did not. By the look on their faces, however, they really do fit the name…yonbaka.
Naruto's image of fangirls, a jealous Sakura and an envious Sasuke faded with a whoopee cushion *pooot* They can't know about this…
And if guns existed in the shinobi world, Gaara would utter those three little words to express exactly what he felt that very moment. Shoot. Me. Now.
つづく
A/N: Well that escalated quickly...or decelerated, depending on how you look at it. This is probably funnier in my head than it is on paper. And who's even heard of rakugo from this audience? Show of hands…Nesh! Oh well. We'll see how this develops...
Up Next:
Gaara tries to bail
Naruto's ultimate determination (to become a rock star)
Sai gets sneaky
Lee…well he's all gung-ho whatever happens, isn't he?
Sai: So...what's a punch-line?
Lee: A line of punches, Sai-kun. *air-punch* That's what it must mean. *air-punch* Seishun power! *air-punch* *punch* *punch*