Better Things
Alice threw up at 4 am and got sent home early from work.
She ran across the street to the all night drug store while waiting for her taxi and purchased a single item. (She knew it'd make more sense to just call Hal to pick her up, but that would result in too many questions she didn't have the energy to answer.) The single item was placed delicately in a small, brown paper bag and handed to her with a sad smile by the clerk. She flashed her wedding ring at the girl, as if to tell her I'm a married woman, not a child. Don't pity me.
She crammed the bag at the bottom of her purse. It weighed her down as the taxi pulled up.
After paying for her ride, she contemplated how to tell her boss she didn't want to work the overnight shift anymore. Sure, she volunteered and it was only for eight weeks, but five hours of work didn't even get her $30 in tips. Screw Shelly and her maternity leave; she wanted her day shift back.
But now wasn't the right time to be cursing a new mother. She knew that better than anyone.
She took the stairs two at a time to their third floor apartment. To their one bedroom, one bath with the eat-in kitchen. Far from the large house on Elm Street Hal came from, but also far nicer than the shithole she grew up in on the Southside. Even nicer than the 400-square-foot closet they shared in college. She eased the door open and slid off her sneakers. She crept down the hall to the bedroom and could just make out Hal's sleeping figure in bed, hear his soft snores. Two green eyes lit up from the bed. The damn cat curled up next to him in her spot again.
Carmel only tolerated Alice when Hal wasn't around. She told the cat every so often (as if she understood) that Hal didn't want her. Hal wanted the calico and she'd fought him tooth and nail to get the orange tabby.
"She's just so normal," he complained when they were eighteen and a week from leaving Riverdale for Boston. They stood in the animal shelter in Greendale. "The calico is interesting. Look at those patches."
"Which is what everyone will say," Alice insisted, cuddling the kitten to her chest. The purring against her heart made some small ache in her midsection return, but she brushed the feeling away. "This poor girl is dime a dozen. Next person in here will snatch up the calico."
She won, of course. She often won. She also didn't want to see the upturned nose of Hal's mother should they return to his house with the 'interesting' cat. A simple orange tabby was exactly the kind of cat Alice knew Mrs. Cooper would have chosen. A generic, picture-in-the-dictionary type of cat.
Carmel, soon enough, became Hal's cat. Curling up with him in bed, jumping in his lap the second he sat down, following him to the bathroom, asking him for table scraps. Alice felt like the other woman.
She closed the bedroom door softly and rummaged through her purse for the paper bag. She dropped her purse on the table in the hall and went to the bathroom.
She didn't take a test the first time. She was too scared to go into Riverdale Drugs alone, where anyone could spot her, and her only way to get to the pharmacy in Greendale was a bus or Hal. By the time she decided to brave the bus, she was so far along that she went right to the clinic there. The only pregnancy test she ever took was their second year of college. After she had skipped two periods, after Hal's parents had cut them off and they were both stressed beyond their limit. They went to the store together, hand in hand, and sat on the floor of their tiny bathroom together to wait the ten anxious minutes. She'd cried and he told her things would be different this time. They could do it this time, if that was what she wanted.
That one had come out negative, thank God.
They talked about her maybe going on the pill that night, but it never happened. They stuck to old reliable – condoms most of the time and sheer dumb luck the rest.
She skimmed the back of the box quickly as she peeled off her uniform. This one only took five minutes, but that was still five minutes longer than she'd rather wait. After doing her business and setting the test on the edge of the sink, she turned on the water in the shower as hot as it would go and climbed in.
As a kid, she could never take long, hot showers. You were lucky to get five minutes of decent steam out of the piece of shit hot water heater in her father's home. As an adult, she relished that they could afford a place that allowed her the luxury.
She had well over an hour until Hal would wake up, so she thought nothing of it when the door creaked open. Carmel, she thought, probably annoyed she came home early and ruined her alone time with Hal. She stayed in the shower another five, ten, fifteen minutes, losing track of time. All she knew was that turning off the water and climbing out would mean concrete evidence of what she already suspected. Of what she already knew.
What she didn't expect, as she pulled open the curtain, was her husband leaning against the sink. Stone-faced, arms crossed. That look on his face they always seem to exchange nowadays. Disappointment. She held in her gasp.
"Jesus!" she exclaimed, reaching for her towel. "How long have you been there?"
Hal's eyes darted down to the pregnancy test, then back at her. He raised his eyebrows in question but she gave up nothing.
"Slow night," she said, wrapping the towel around her chest, "so I took off early." Sometimes it was easier to pretend everything was normal than face problems head on. She wiped her feet on the bathmat and took a step towards the sink. Hal blocked her. "Move. I just need to…"
He shook his head and readjusted his arms. "Just need to what, Alice?"
She hated how he was able to keep his cool, even when she could see him fuming inside. His voice was steady, but she knew he kept his arms crossed because his hands would be shaking if they weren't.
She vowed to break that calm in him one day.
"Just let me get something." She reached around him, but he unfolded his arms and took her by the shoulders, not letting her get closer. She pushed against him for a few seconds before giving up and letting her shoulders slump. He let go of her and leaned backwards against the sink again.
"Were you going to tell me this time?" he asked, edge creeping into his voice. "Or were you going to blurt it out at another social event? No homecoming, but maybe that wedding in June? Will that work for you, Alice? Instead of just talking to me?"
Her stomach sunk. She swallowed a few times before any words would come out.
"I didn't look yet," she whispered. There was a flash of regret in his eyes, a pang of sadness maybe, as he realized he stole the moment from her. The moment she didn't even want. The moment that should be their moment.
He reached behind himself. "Well, it's positive," he muttered, handing it to her. "Congratulations. You're pregnant."
Her head started to spin. She reached out to take it from him – she needed to see to know it was true – but she lurched forward instead. He dropped the test and grabbed her before she fell, lowering her onto the closed toilet seat. Her head fell between her legs, wet hair spilling towards the floor.
"Fuck," was all that came out between breaths. He touched her back but she bated him away. She extended her hand without looking up and demanded, "Give it here," with a snap of her fingers.
He picked up the test from the floor for her. She whipped her hair as she sat up, spritz of water hitting Hal. With another deep breath, she looked at the pink plus sign staring at her in all its cheery glory.
"Why?" Hal asked. She didn't need him to elaborate. He sounded almost as tired as she was.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why are you so upset?
Why don't you want this?
Why are you keeping things from me?
"We're not ready for a baby," she said simply. She tossed the pregnancy test in the small trash can and gripped her towel tighter as she walked to the bedroom. He followed her.
"So you were ready at 17, but not at 24?"
"I'm not in the mood to fight."
"Bullshit." He took her arm and spun her around. "You're always in the mood to fight."
She dug her nails into his arm and was both annoyed and scared that he didn't even flinch at the action anymore. He just let go of her.
"You didn't want our first accident and I don't want this accident. That's so hard to understand?"
"Why?" He ran his fingers through his short hair with such fervor she was afraid he'd rip some of it out. "All you could talk about before we got married was kids. That's all you wanted. You made it a fucking stipulation when we got engaged. Now it's been three years and you laugh every time I bring up starting a family. What… what happened to us not having secrets between us?"
She laughed. "We were kids when we made that promise. Telling each other everything? Life doesn't work like that."
"Marriage is supposed to. Stop treating me like a nosey roommate and treat me like your husband. Stop hiding things from me."
"What am I hiding?" she snapped. "Did I lock the door? Toss out the bag and receipt? If I was hiding it from you I would have taken it at the diner or just waited for you to go to work."
"Oh, so you did it at 5 am because you wanted me in on it?"
Her voice lowered as she tried to calm herself. "I just started having symptoms a few days ago. I haven't been sitting on this for months like…" she trailed off, letting her eyes wander to the ground.
Hal let out a gruff laugh. "Like what, last time? Waiting until you were four months along to let me know?"
She pursed her lips. "Hal, you didn't want him. How do I know you're not going to change your mind about this one too?"
"We were 17. We were two irresponsible kids who had no idea what we were doing. We had nothing and no one was going to help us. Not your dad and not my parents. You're still going to dangle that over my head all these years later? That I wasn't ready to be a dad in high school?"
She groaned, tossing her head back. "Did you do this to me?"
"Do what? Agitate you? That's all I seem to do."
"No, did you get me pregnant?"
"Well, Jesus. I hope it was me."
"On purpose, Hal. Did you get me pregnant on purpose?"
"What?" he laughed. "How could I have done it on purpose?"
"Maybe you're the one trying to trap me this time. Your mom kept pestering me at Christmas about having a baby. You're always going on and on about a family. Maybe you've been poking holes in condoms, not pulling out in time, huh? Oh, and what about your boss's party last month? You just had to have me in the car before we went home, didn't you?"
"Oh, like we've never done that before."
"Yeah, but it's normally me initiating it. Maybe you're afraid I'll leave you and you want to keep me here."
"You sound crazy, Alice." He shook his head. "You want to leave? Go ahead and leave. Isn't that what the stash of money in the kitchen cabinet is for anyway, huh? For when you leave?"
Her heart raced. Instinctively, she dropped the towel she'd been clutching around her torso. It fell to the ground with a wet thud and she knew immediately the move wasn't quite as sexy as she planned.
His eyes didn't trace her body the way they normally did. He didn't knock her backwards onto the bed and pounce on her like she expected. That's how they almost always ended their fights. A silent surrender to each other's bodies. They discovered long ago that it was easier, and more fun, than exchanging sorrys. Sorry was such an empty word. Sex had meaning.
Hal looked her in the eye, disappointment still written all over his face. "Get dressed, Alice." He left the room.
She pulled on a pair of panties and one of his t-shirts before chasing him barefoot into the kitchen. He was already pushing aside Tupperware containers in the cabinet over the refrigerator. Alice needed a stool to retrieve anything from there, but he did without. He finally pulled out a cigar box nestled inside of a flat 64 ounce container.
No one ever said Tupperware was only for leftovers.
Hal took the top off, but she grabbed the cigar box out before he could touch it. She held it to her chest.
"You were snooping," she accused. "Is that what you spend your nights doing? Digging through my stuff to find dirt on me?"
"Your stuff?" He raised his arms and looked around the kitchen. "This is our kitchen, our home. I don't snoop, Alice. I'm not you. You've been squirreling money away for years. You hid money from your dad in high school, and you're doing it again now. I didn't just discover this. It's been there since we moved in."
She gulped. "It's rainy day money."
"There's a couple grand in there at least. That'd have to be one hell of a rainy day."
She put the box gingerly on the table, but kept her hands on it. "I put a few dollars away after every shift. So we have a little extra something. That's it. And the money I kept from my dad was my money. Money I earned myself. That was the money we used as a deposit on our first apartment. To pay our bills before we found jobs here. To make ends meet after your parents cut you off."
She caught the pain in his eyes. She was the reason his parents cut him off.
"That was years ago, Alice. We have savings, an apartment, steady jobs."
She snorted. "Oh, we have steady jobs. Of course."
"You don't –" His face fell into his hands. "You're not in the Southside anymore. You don't need to squirrel away money for when things get rough. Things won't get rough. It's not about the money."
"God, that is so easy to say when you're the one who makes the money." She drummed her fingers against the wooden box. "You're the one with the career, the health insurance, the nice bonus check every Christmas. I'm the one slinging burgers and shakes to drunk college kids for tips."
"And there's no shame in that! You're clearly making plenty if you're able to hide all this. When have I ever complained you don't make enough money?"
"You don't have to say anything. You're the one who got the job, who's putting their degree to use. I'm nothing."
"Alice, you haven't even looked for a new job in two years. Don't make me feel bad because I found something and you gave up."
She bit her lip and blinked back tears. "Things were supposed to be different by now. I was supposed to be working for a paper or a magazine. I can't even get a decent job. And you expect me to… what? Be a mother?" She choked a sob back. "How can I be a mother to this baby when I couldn't to him? I can't do anything." The tears streamed down her face. Hal's features softened.
"It was his birthday the other day," he said softly. "March 2nd. I guess he's… well, he's seven now."
She swallowed. "I didn't think you remembered. You didn't say anything."
"Neither did you."
She finally took her hands off the box and let them fall to her abdomen. "That was the first day I had morning sickness. I thought it was just a reflex, thinking about him. But it came back the next day. And the next. I feel exactly like I did last time. Nauseous and sore and exhausted."
He approached her and she fought the instinct to grab the box of money again. Hal put his hands over hers. "You could have told me. You should have. This is the kind of stuff we're supposed to do together."
"Loving this baby, wanting this baby, it's not going to make up for us giving our son away. We can't replace him."
"Of course we can't. So we have to do right by this one. We gave him up so we could build our life together. Well, we have it. What else are we waiting for?"
Alice opened her mouth and shut it. She could think of a dozen reasons to wait but none seemed valid.
He moved her hands aside and rubbed his own against her stomach. "Get some rest. Think things over. We can talk about this when I get home."
She nodded with a sigh. Hal kissed her on the forehead before she dragged her feet to their bedroom.
The overnight shift, combined with her stress, had ruined her sleep cycle, but for the first time in a week, she slept a solid eight hours. She briefly woke up when the phone rang, the caller ID coming up with a Riverdale number she didn't recognize. She put her head back down and could faintly hear someone leaving a message on the answering machine in the kitchen.
When she got up three hours later, she followed the noise from the TV into the living room.
"You're home early," she said softly. In her sleepy state she had a hard time remembering if she was mad at him or he was mad at her. Or were they mad at each other?
"I was kind of useless today," he admitted. Carmel sat in his lap and she shot Alice a distasteful look before jumping off. "Took off early."
She lied down on the couch and put her head in his lap. Even eight hours of sleep left her feeling exhausted. He ran his fingers through her hair.
"What are you thinking about?"
She reached up and rubbed his cheek. "That you need to shave. You're not growing a beard under my watch."
"Seriously though. What are you thinking?"
She placed her hands on her stomach. "I'm thinking… that we're going to be parents. Like really be parents this time."
"You're going to be a great mom, Alice."
"God, I hope so." She rubbed her eyes. "It's so weird. I had a dream about home. Like back home. Riverdale."
He laughed. "Don't call Riverdale home. This is our home."
Alice clicked her teeth. "Well, Riverdale was home first."
"We got away from Riverdale because we wanted a new home."
"So what? You never want to go back?"
"Not live back there, no."
She sighed. "Wouldn't it be easier though? To start a family there? Where we could buy a house and have your parents close by."
"My parents close by sounds like the perfect reason not to go back. Since when do you miss Riverdale?"
She shrugged. "I wanted all those nice thing when I was a kid. A yard and a white picket fence and stairs. Raising a kid here in this huge city… I'm afraid it's going to feel so much like that shitty apartment I grew up in."
"It won't. I promise it won't. And there are suburbs here. We don't have to stay in this apartment."
"Riverdale is cheaper."
He let out a frustrated groan. "I keep telling you, it's not about the money, Alice. All I've ever wanted to do was to get you away from the shitty life you had. Going back to Riverdale just feels like a step backwards."
"You wanted to save me? Get me away?" She sat up and shook her hair out. She never dried it after her shower and it had knotted in her sleep. "I wanted to test you. See if you could handle slumming it with me. Living in that tiny, disgusting apartment, away from your mom's home cooked meals and pine scented air freshener."
"And?"
"And I was impressed. You did well. You never complained. Until your parents, found out anyway."
Hal's parents found out they were renting an apartment with their own money instead of dorming. As if having sex and getting pregnant out of wedlock wasn't bad enough, now they were living in sin as well. It took almost two years for his parents to reach back out to them.
"Why was I dreaming about Riverdale?" she asked, trying to change the subject. That morning's fight had been bad enough, no need for another. "That's just bizarre."
Hal regarded her cautiously. "Did you hear the phone before?"
"Oh, yeah. That must be it. It was a Riverdale number."
He shifted uncomfortably. "There's a uhh… a message for you on the machine. I don't know if you want to listen to it though."
"Who's was it? Mary?"
"It… it's about your dad, Alice."
Her dad.
Well, if there was ever a reason to not go back to Riverdale, there it was.
Hal took her hand. "You don't have to listen if you don't –"
"Is he dead?"
"No, but… Alice."
"Hal. What did it say?"
"It's not looking too good for him."
"Not looking too good how?"
He pursed his lips. "Do you want to hear it? It's still on the machine."
"I don't know. Do I?" She bit her lip. Hal nodded.
They went to the kitchen together. Hal rubbed the back of his neck as Alice hit the buttons on the machine until she got to the most recent message.
A familiar voice filled her kitchen. Even though she hadn't heard it in over six years, she couldn't mistake it.
"Well, well, well," FP's voice rang. "Alice Cooper now, is it? You are not an easy girl to track down." He sighed. "Look Allie. I wish I was calling with better news. He told me not to call, but shit, he's your dad and you're his only family and I figured I owed it to the both of you -"
She pressed the red button on the machine, deleting the message. She turned on her husband.
"Is he dying or going to prison?"
"He's... he's got cancer. A while now, it seems like. He's under hospice care now."
She nodded. "Ah, well no better than he deserves."
"Maybe you should call him."
She closed her eyes and breathed in and out slowly. She opened her eyes and smiled.
"I'm starved. Let's go eat."
"Alice..."
"Hal. The man ruined my childhood. I won't do him the disservice of ruining his death. Now let's eat."
She made a mental note to write down the phone number on the caller ID later.