A flash of lightning illuminated the gloomy room. Amidst the nanosecond of illumination was just a single bed and a small, limp sofa sagging in the corner.
"So, this is our quarters for the night," a one eyed white mouse announced dryly to his trembling companion- a short and stumpy brown hamster in a blue suit and yellow striped tie.
"Looks...looks like it, sir," the hamster replied, his knees knocking together like banging doors.
...
Danger Mouse did not wish to know what he had just stepped in- but it was squelchy and wet. He grimaced and wiped his boot across the floorboards with a slight shudder. The boots made a loud, dragging noise, causing Penfold to jump and scream in fright.
"Cor, what's that!?" He asked in alarm, little eyes squinting through the lens of his glasses to identify the unseen enemy.
"Steady on, Penfold, that was me," Danger Mouse replied reassuringly, ceasing his foot wiping. "My boots are going to need a wash." he lamented.
"Sorry, DM," Penfold replied sheepishly.
"It's not your fault, Penfold."
Just then, another flash lit up the room, and the World's Greatest Secret Agent grabbed his assistant by the collar and deftly leaped onto the bed using his great athletic prowess- ignoring Penfold's scream of alarm at the sudden action.
Two thuds followed the jump.
...
"There, that should do us, eh Penfold?" DM noted with satisfaction, looking across the room triumphantly from his stance on the bed.
"What I don't understand, Chief, is why you had to jump on the bed." Penfold objected, standing beside his friend. "Surely your mother told you to never jump on the bed!"
"Penfold, shush!" DM replied sternly, glaring at the hamster.
"Yes sir," Penfold obeyed, before a question occurred to him. "Um, sir?"
"Yes, Penfold?" Danger Mouse asked.
"What were the thuds the author mentioned 8 lines before now?" The bespectacled assistant asked. "We landed on the bed with a 'flump!'"
Danger Mouse chuckled. "Those were my boots, Penfold! I kicked them off mid jump- and for the record, it was a 'thwump!' we landed on the bed with, not a 'flump!' Honestly, where do you get these ideas?"
"It's not me getting them sir- it's the author!"
"Yes, you're quite right, Penfold. It is the author you're getting the ideas from. Now, for the author's all-important question, the but de l'histoire, if you prefer."
"Pardon, Chief?" Penfold asked in astonishment- and then jumped as a third flash of lightning struck outside, followed by a low, loud rumble of thunder that sounded much louder than before.
"That's French for 'the purpose of this story,' Danger Mouse answered knowledgeably. He hadn't noticed Penfold's involuntary reaction- but he suspected it.
Penfold had been even more petrified than usual when the storm hit them on their way home after halting Greenback 's plans to rule the world by using crickets to hypnotise people through their song. Luckily, they sought shelter in a nearby inn. Unfortunately, a medieval dungeon would be homelier than this, but there was little they could do until the storm blew off, and both had had a good night's sleep.
"And what is the purpose of the story, Chief?" Penfold asked, to try and forget how his knees were banging together. Cor, they were going to be bruised in the morning!
"Who's going to get the bed?"
"We'll sort that later, DM! What's the purpose of the story?" Penfold asked again.
Danger Mouse took a deep breath, and Penfold realised his mistake. The mouse's face moulded into an expression of annoyance. "I just told you what the purpose was, Penfold." He said slowly and patiently. "What was the last thing I said to you?"
"It was 'I just told you what the purpose was, Penfold!' Chief!" Penfold remarked innocently. "Cor, what a daft plot for a story!"
"No, no, before that, Penfold."
"It was 'who is going to have the..." Penfold broke off as he stared at the bed in horror. "You mean..."
"Yes, Penfold," Replied Danger Mouse, grimly. "One of us will have to kip on the sofa for the night." Lightning and thunder accompanied this grim conclusion. Silence for exactly 3.6 ¾ seconds...and then...
"Oh 'eck!"
"Exactly," Danger Mouse nodded gravely.
Penfold looked up at his boss. "How will we decide, sir?" He asked quietly, with all the seriousness of a civil servant, and the timidity of a civil servant close to a mental breakdown.
"Ah. That, my dear Penfold, will be decided the proper, old fashioned way. The way knights would be decided to duel, the way the notorious Mack the Skipper decided his next unfortunate victim, the way kings were decided before the Battle of Hastings in 1066!"
"Ohh, and what might that be, Chief?"
"We will eeny meeny miny moe for the bed of course! What else were we going to do, toss a coin?"
"I knew I shouldn't have asked." Penfold muttered quietly, before turning back to face his boss.
...
Later, Penfold was shivering on the sofa under a ragged and faded blanket. He feared this would happen to him. Still, judging from the way Danger Mouse was rolling on the bed, it was obvious it wasn't any comfier.
"Alright there, sir?"
"Just getting comfy, Penfold." The mouse said nonchalantly. "I say, this bed's harder than a rock!"
"Did you check it for peas, Chief?" Penfold asked cheekily, giggling.
Danger Mouse blinked at his best friend, before a smile broke his stoicism, and he chuckled. "Checking for peas indeed, Penfold!" He answered cheerfully. For once, he didn't revert to his stiff upper lip, or tell Penfold to shush.
This response pleased the young hamster, and he felt glad the joke had cheered his dear friend up.
'Though it would be nice if they had comfier places to sleep on...' he thought glumly, as he felt his toes get into their fifth tangle with a conspicuous spring. Fortunately, DM fixed the problem -permanently to boot- by filing off the spring with their hotel key.
"Cor, thanks chief! Thought me toes had it that time!" Penfold exclaimed in relief, wriggling them in relief.
"Don't mention it old chum," Replied Danger Mouse with a smile before yawning. "I am beyond knackered."
"Me too, DM," Penfold agreed, before removing his specs and laying down on the sofa. "Night, night, chief."
"Good night, my friend. Sweet dreams." DM answered warmly.
...
When the little hamster opened his eyes several hours later, all he could see was blackness- but he felt something cold and slimy worming its way around his left ankle and into his socks. Alarmed, he grabbed his specs for a closer look- and screamed.
Amidst the darkness was a glowing octopus like creature looming luminously -and ominously- over him, a threatening glare into its deadly, beady eyes. The petrified assistant attempted to kick the monster away from him, but to no avail. His free leg jabbed frenziedly at thin air as the hideous creature darted away with surprising agility. He kept screaming all the while, feeling his heart race the London Marathon in his chest.
The beast struck Penfold on the head with a hard blow. Dazed, the young hamster stopped kicking and screaming.
And that was when he heard a resounding blow.